Monday Morning Mock Draft: Jesus, What A Disaster

Good Monday morning, drones.  This weekend we had to go away for a funeral.  The funeral itself was fine, as were the after…parties(?), no, that can’t be right, given the circumstances.  Let’s go with “functions.”  Those were all good.  Lots of chatter, good memories of the deceased, solid food and beverage options.

However, when you have to make very sudden lodging arrangements on about three days notice, at the height of tourist season, in a tourist hot spot, well, you’re going to find out what “2-star” accommodations are, and those are not good.  Makes the funeral the high point of the weekend, and you still get to deal with traffic.  The moral of the story, and I believe this might be in our charter, is that you are forbidden to die, but if you absolutely must, give everyone several months notice so that they can secure proper accommodations, ones that do not include water stains on the ceiling, cobwebs in the corner, and peeling floors in the bathroom.

Hypothetically.

Anyway, it was a long weekend and it’s shaping up to be a long workweek, so, with disaster on my mind it’s disasters we’ll be drafting.  I believe I already did natural disasters, so this time we’ll be drafting disasters in entertainment.

No, not Ishtar.

Movies, TV or cinema, (I mean, I guess you could draft a play if you knew of one), that revolve around a disaster, natural or man-made.  The disaster can be one that occurred in real life, so long as it’s the focus of the movie, and no documentaries please.

I went back and forth on this and decided to rule out movies involving mutant creatures created by man-made disasters, (Them! was the main one I considered), sort of because it’s not in the spirt of the draft, mostly because I’m running low on topics here, (fortunately the bizzaro world of Hippo’s Did Ya Get That Thing I Sent Ya recaps will be taking this spot over soon), and I might need that one for later.

So long story, (but not as long as last week’s, and with far less mountain climbing), longer, any kind of natural of man-made disaster movie, real or fictitious, (but no documentaries and no giant bugs), is eligible for the draft.

Oh, you can draft the same disaster multiple times, (hello Atlantis!), so long as it’s a different movie.

With the first pick I select The Towering Inferno, from 1974.

Tall buildings!  Paul Newman!  Steve McQueen!  Fire!  Faye Dunaway’s cleavage!  What more could you ask for in a disaster movie?

Please note that Faye Dunaway’s cleavage is a) not a disaster and b) now that I think about it, far from the worst fantasy football team name I’ve ever heard.

The rest of you are on the clock.

 

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BugEyedBoo

Titanic.

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Unsurprised

“I asked you if that was your signature.”

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

Where does the Great War of 2077 and subsequent wastelandization fit in this? Man-made disaster, but there are some giant bugs in the periphery

BugEyedBoo

Amazon Prime. I need to finish watching it, because it’s pretty good.

SonOfSpam

Melancholia – one of the best movies about depression ever, according to a depressive.

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Last edited 3 months ago by SonOfSpam
BugEyedBoo

When Worlds Collide – stray planet swaps places with Earth, hijinks ensue. Special appearance by pissed-off Sam Drucker.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1NY9JvQPTXs

Redshirt

Is it too early to draft the 2024 Bengals or do I need to wait until the Supplemental Mock Draft?

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blaxabbath

Man made disaster.

Redshirt

You sure? Because this curse seems otherworldly to me.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Next pick: Armageddon, which is an absolute romp and gets bonus points for pissing off Neil DeGrasse Tyson with its scientific inaccuracies.

Also this disaster of a scene:

https://youtu.be/fwnSSnE36Lc?si=dIz07hNCISPn0DPQ

Redshirt

“We’re going to land, walk and drill on the asteroid. It has gravity similar to the moon, but…”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8xiWw5dwngc

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Perfect.

BugEyedBoo

So bad, but worth it for this.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T5-Hbj2AYNs

Redshirt
Unsurprised

I say that like three times a week.

Unsurprised

Sike! They’re just on immediately opposite sides of the Urals.

Unsurprised

I contend this movie defines the 90s better than anything else.

scotchnaut

The Netherlands are really good a bicycling. Who’da thunk?

Redshirt

Tropical Storm Debby should’ve been called Sherman, because it’s marching through Georgia towards Savannah, with the intention to shove the whole city into the sea.

blaxabbath

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Steve: Here she comes.
Stan: (looks at Debbie through the window) Where’s Debbie? Behind that fat girl?
Steve: No, Dad, that’s…
Stan: Is the fat girl going to lead us to Debbie?
Steve: No, that’s…
Stan: She’s carrying a purse. She must have a map to Debbie in her purse.
Steve: Dad, that’s Debbie.
Stan: To the panic room!

Last edited 3 months ago by blaxabbath
Redshirt

If you change a few words here and there, that was near verbatim my reaction when Trump went down his gold-painted lead escalator to announce his candidacy in 2015.

Unsurprised

Go on …

blaxabbath

Sounds like BTC is the move now that global markets are in PANIC!!!!!!

SonOfSpam

Yes, that’s what all smart people are saying

blaxabbath

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scotchnaut

I love circular speed biking or whatever it’s called.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

28 Days Later

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Top notch pick.

BeefReeferLives

The Plague. comment image

SonOfSpam

Men’s steeplechase rounds are starting. It’s already a goofy event, but it would be a million times better with midget jockeys.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

MASTER BLASTER!

SonOfSpam

We need a feel-good story after losing to America Jr. in beach volleyball.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Do they even have beaches up there?

SonOfSpam

Have you not sipped Pina Coladas at a Sandals report on Prince Edward Island?

scotchnaut

Who knew that training on the sands of Lake Ontario would be such an advantage?

scotchnaut

This 3-on-3 game is basketball on speed. In a good way.

SonOfSpam

2012 was stupid and fun (the movie, not the year)

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SonOfSpam

John Cusack over the last 6 months on Twitter made me hate John Cusack.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

The problem was that originally he was doing a bit, but someone hit him in the back while he was doing it so he’s stuck like that forever.

BugEyedBoo

Saw that movie in a first-run theater. Disaster was right. Michael Bay gets a bad rep, but Emmerich is right there with him and goes unnoticed.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“Meteor well gosh that sounds pretty good to me.” – Coach Reid

Unsurprised

/Christopher Walken slowly melds back into the bushes.

BeefReeferLives

Don’t Look Up. Come for the asteroids, stay for the greed, hubris, and stupidity.

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

This Canada-USA beach volleyball game is rockin’!

blaxabbath

Ok — I admit I had to finally give up and google. And I saw this.

I never knew this movie existed but shame on the rest of you for not drafting it on the first night.

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Ha! I saw Christian Slater and thought the pick was going to be something else (which I will not say because it is on my board with a 5th round grade)

BrettFavresColonoscopy

That movie sucked.

scotchnaut

“You spelled ‘Jewmanji’ wrong”

-Stephen Miller

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Fuck it, I’ll take Perfect Storm.

BugEyedBoo

George Clooney and Mark Wahlberg dead in the same movie is the opposite of disaster. More like, “perfectly turned twin killing.”

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Still can’t get over the Nike ad featuring Kobe Bryant positing the question “does my obsessive focus on winning make me a bad person?” No, stupid – it’s the rape!

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Also, he’s dead

blaxabbath

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scotchnaut

US women losing to Spain in 3-on-3.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

3-on-3 belongs in the Olympics as much as Calvinball does. It’s so lame.

scotchnaut

That’s what folks said 20 years ago about beach volleyball and yet here we are.

scotchnaut

Canadian Women: “Maybe now everyone will stop staring at our asses.”

Everyone The World over: [shakes head slowly]

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

[stares twice as hard to make up for those who may have gotten distracted] – Balls

Last edited 3 months ago by Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
blaxabbath

“Mmmmm yes. I, too, love a nice cutout back which fully displays the smooth white curves forming/protecting that tight little slit below the middle of his back.”

-JD Vance

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Doktor Zymm
Doktor Zymm

It’s Snoop watching dressage with Martha Stewart

Doktor Zymm

And the horse is named Gin & Juice

Gumbygirl

Laid back

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

2. I mean come on

(technically a movie about an environmental disaster)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d9VriVFtNjs

BrettFavresColonoscopy

/stares from Jumanji

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Watch the SNL clips again, that should put it over the top

Doktor Zymm

Nice one!

BeefReeferLives

A tale of some plucky and heroic individuals escaping from a man made disaster:

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scotchnaut

Goddamn, that was a tough read.

ArmedandHammered

Even tougher watch.

Doktor Zymm

Can’t believe this is still available
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DJ TAJ

Love me some K Stew

ArmedandHammered

The Core. Shitty movie about a shitty idea for a natural disaster.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

It’s not a terrible movie at all. Everyone involved accepted that “yes, this is the dumbest premise for a movie ever” and just ran with it and had fun.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Backdraft.

You gonna say fire isn’t a disaster either, you sonuvabitch?

BeefReeferLives

RUN!!! IT’S A KILLER BLIMP!!!!

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scotchnaut

Huh, I was going to post this because who doesn’t love watching George C. Scott chew some scenery?

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BeefReeferLives

They never made a movie about him, but whenever I see anything about The Hindenburg, I think of this disaster:

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Unsurprised

Bruce Dern is so magically psycho in it. He deserved an Oscar.

Unsurprised

Also, Frankenheimer forcing Goodyear to participate by threatening to bring over a blimp from Europe and paint it silver so people will think it’s theirs without them getting any money, just the notoriety they feared.

Doktor Zymm

I seem to recall enjoying the Abyss, and they encounter the sci fi stuff while on a salvage mission, so the disaster is the original sub sinking
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Unsurprised

The real disaster was being on the precipice of WW3

LemonJello

2nd pick: Deep Impact – Morgan Freeman as the President, Tea Leone as a tv reporter, a near miss from an asteroid that wipes out most of the east coast.

Chef’s kiss.

BugEyedBoo

Tea Leone is Dollar Tree Carrie Coon.

Unsurprised

That’s overselling TL

Brocky

The F5 from twister

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BrettFavresColonoscopy

Maybe hit F5 to refresh, because I picked Twister

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“Twister I barely know her ha ha ha!” – JD Vance

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ArmedandHammered

An exotic beauty with 70’s style! Let the free lovin’ commence!

Dunstan

Is Blair Witch considered a disaster movie?

LemonJello

Not a draft pick, and probably just an impending disaster, but Lowratio League is full with 14 teams!

Cthullu have mercy on us all.

Redshirt

Does The Day After Tomorrow count or is that now considered a documentary like Idiocracy?

Brocky

You’re thinking of “the day after”

Day after tomorrow is the dennis quaid global warming film

Then again, but are predictive of the future so….

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

He’s just a little tougher than you, I guess.

blaxabbath

Do you remember when dumb people insisted Wayfair was a human trafficking operation because, to first believe something this absurd, it makes it totally reasonable to deny the simple addition of casted voted in 2020.

Anyways — can we do that with Usha Vance ordering a couch for her husband to rape?

ArmedandHammered

I wonder if they get new slip covers for role play night?

Redshirt

Hey, don’t demean my senator! That couch was practically begging for it!

BrettFavresColonoscopy

How broadly are we defining disaster? I think getting Jumanjid counts, right? So I’ll take the Robin Williams Jumanji

https://youtu.be/8cdBcfLhJVY?si=_8BNDG8EfdcGZjCW

BrettFavresColonoscopy

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ArmedandHammered

Nope he is the commissioner! And you will heed his words! Or not, it’s up to you.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

I choose not

Gumbygirl

A& H has drawn a line in the sand!

ArmedandHammered

Poseidon Adventure – it’s a rogue wave which capsizes the ship

Unsurprised

Emmy Rossum from Shameless was in the remake with Kurt Russell.

Gumbygirl

This would have been my pick, had I participated in this draft. Shelley Winters AND Ernest Borgnine- hook it to my veins!

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

If you saw a woman riding a horse named “Laura Kraut”, you’d assume she was from Germany, wouldn’t you? You’d be wrong, though – she’s American.

Doktor Zymm

Why would the horse being named “Laura Kraut” have anything to do with the nationality of the rider?

Also, the US is a land of immigrants, just not those brown ones we get nowadays

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I was just trying to make a Deep Thoughts reference…

[shuffles off, kicks rock]

Redshirt

Does this morning’s Stock Market count? If not, I’ll take an extraterrestrial invasion.

Independence Day (4/5) Movie CLIP – The President’s Speech (1996) HD (youtube.com)

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

1. The Quiet Earth.

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LemonJello

1st pick: Volcano (1997) Tommy Lee Jones! Anne Heche! A volcano in Los Angeles!

Brocky

Volcano has two of the most memorable deaths I’ve ever seen in a movie

1. John Carroll lynch idiotically jumping into lava

2. And Anne Heche’s assistant being killed by the gases underground, gnarly.

I kinda want to make an Anne Heche joke here, but technically she only got herself killed IRL, so….

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

– Boromir

Brocky

The arrows are killing me

This image must be left over from a game of “spot the 30 year old playing a high schooler”

Unsurprised

Carla Gugino is better

scotchnaut

I’ll take Earthquake because I like George Kennedy and also Victoria Principal’s t-shirt.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NOsVyhQiP4M&ab_channel=FunSpot

ArmedandHammered

Bet she has the muff to match.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

I’m sure it holds up having not seen it in decades, but I thoroughly enjoyed the first Twister movie, so I’ll take that

Brocky

Dang it, I just saw this,

Well you didn’t specify the f5 from the end, while I did

So you can take the one that kills Helen hunt’s dad

ballsofsteelandfury

I’d like to draft the Airport series of the 70s but you’re telling I can only pick one movie at a time?

If so, I’ll take the first one.

ballsofsteelandfury

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ballsofsteelandfury

Lookit that cast!!

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Doktor Zymm

And I will take Airplane!
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BrettFavresColonoscopy

Surely you can’t be serious

Doktor Zymm

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Last edited 3 months ago by Doktor Zymm
Unsurprised

It’s barely a parody. It just changes the tone of the exact dialogue from that movie that I’m too lazy to look up the name of. They had to buy the rights ffs