Good Monday morning, drones. This weekend we had to go away for a funeral. The funeral itself was fine, as were the after…parties(?), no, that can’t be right, given the circumstances. Let’s go with “functions.” Those were all good. Lots of chatter, good memories of the deceased, solid food and beverage options.
However, when you have to make very sudden lodging arrangements on about three days notice, at the height of tourist season, in a tourist hot spot, well, you’re going to find out what “2-star” accommodations are, and those are not good. Makes the funeral the high point of the weekend, and you still get to deal with traffic. The moral of the story, and I believe this might be in our charter, is that you are forbidden to die, but if you absolutely must, give everyone several months notice so that they can secure proper accommodations, ones that do not include water stains on the ceiling, cobwebs in the corner, and peeling floors in the bathroom.
Hypothetically.
Anyway, it was a long weekend and it’s shaping up to be a long workweek, so, with disaster on my mind it’s disasters we’ll be drafting. I believe I already did natural disasters, so this time we’ll be drafting disasters in entertainment.
No, not Ishtar.
Movies, TV or cinema, (I mean, I guess you could draft a play if you knew of one), that revolve around a disaster, natural or man-made. The disaster can be one that occurred in real life, so long as it’s the focus of the movie, and no documentaries please.
I went back and forth on this and decided to rule out movies involving mutant creatures created by man-made disasters, (Them! was the main one I considered), sort of because it’s not in the spirt of the draft, mostly because I’m running low on topics here, (fortunately the bizzaro world of Hippo’s Did Ya Get That Thing I Sent Ya recaps will be taking this spot over soon), and I might need that one for later.
So long story, (but not as long as last week’s, and with far less mountain climbing), longer, any kind of natural of man-made disaster movie, real or fictitious, (but no documentaries and no giant bugs), is eligible for the draft.
Oh, you can draft the same disaster multiple times, (hello Atlantis!), so long as it’s a different movie.
With the first pick I select The Towering Inferno, from 1974.
Tall buildings! Paul Newman! Steve McQueen! Fire! Faye Dunaway’s cleavage! What more could you ask for in a disaster movie?
Please note that Faye Dunaway’s cleavage is a) not a disaster and b) now that I think about it, far from the worst fantasy football team name I’ve ever heard.
The rest of you are on the clock.
Titanic.
This deposition I’m in right now is turning into a bigger disaster than any of these movies. Fortunately I’m only peripherally involved so I can sit back and just watch this descend into chaos.
“I asked you if that was your signature.”
Where does the Great War of 2077 and subsequent wastelandization fit in this? Man-made disaster, but there are some giant bugs in the periphery
I had to look that up but it sounds like it’s for the video game Fallout, and thus not eligible for the draft.
Although now that I type that I think one of the streaming channels I don’t have is running a show based on Fallout. If that’s the case it’s back in.
Hi, I’m the Minnesota Vikings!
Amazon Prime. I need to finish watching it, because it’s pretty good.
I declare this pick DRAFT ELIGIBLE!!
Melancholia – one of the best movies about depression ever, according to a depressive.
Depression isn’t a disaster you heartless assho…(reads Wiki about Melancholia)…Oh. Never mind, carry on.
When Worlds Collide – stray planet swaps places with Earth, hijinks ensue. Special appearance by pissed-off Sam Drucker.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1NY9JvQPTXs
Is it too early to draft the 2024 Bengals or do I need to wait until the Supplemental Mock Draft?
Man made disaster.
You sure? Because this curse seems otherworldly to me.
Next pick: Armageddon, which is an absolute romp and gets bonus points for pissing off Neil DeGrasse Tyson with its scientific inaccuracies.
Also this disaster of a scene:
https://youtu.be/fwnSSnE36Lc?si=dIz07hNCISPn0DPQ
“We’re going to land, walk and drill on the asteroid. It has gravity similar to the moon, but…”
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8xiWw5dwngc
Perfect.
So bad, but worth it for this.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T5-Hbj2AYNs
Personally, this is the part I want for.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Et8Tixucou0&pp=ygUcQXJtYWdlZGRvbiBob3cgd2UgZml4IHRoaW5ncw%3D%3D
I say that like three times a week.
One of the greatest Twitter comments I ever saw was something like
“Even though we’re separated by continents, Becky, I take some solace knowing that we’re looking at the same stars each night.
/Neil DeGrasse Tyson rises from a pile of laundry”
Sike! They’re just on immediately opposite sides of the Urals.
I contend this movie defines the 90s better than anything else.
The Netherlands are really good a bicycling. Who’da thunk?
Tropical Storm Debby should’ve been called Sherman, because it’s marching through Georgia towards Savannah, with the intention to shove the whole city into the sea.
Steve: Here she comes.
Stan: (looks at Debbie through the window) Where’s Debbie? Behind that fat girl?
Steve: No, Dad, that’s…
Stan: Is the fat girl going to lead us to Debbie?
Steve: No, that’s…
Stan: She’s carrying a purse. She must have a map to Debbie in her purse.
Steve: Dad, that’s Debbie.
Stan: To the panic room!
If you change a few words here and there, that was near verbatim my reaction when Trump went down his gold-painted lead escalator to announce his candidacy in 2015.
Go on …
Sounds like BTC is the move now that global markets are in PANIC!!!!!!
Yes, that’s what all smart people are saying
I love circular speed biking or whatever it’s called.
28 Days Later
Top notch pick.
The Plague.
Men’s steeplechase rounds are starting. It’s already a goofy event, but it would be a million times better with midget jockeys.
MASTER BLASTER!
US men taking it to Croatia in water polo, which I think is kind of an upset. I know the Slavs are weirdly good at water polo.
We need a feel-good story after losing to America Jr. in beach volleyball.
Do they even have beaches up there?
Have you not sipped Pina Coladas at a Sandals report on Prince Edward Island?
Who knew that training on the sands of Lake Ontario would be such an advantage?
This 3-on-3 game is basketball on speed. In a good way.
2012 was stupid and fun (the movie, not the year)
That movie made me hate John Cusack.
John Cusack over the last 6 months on Twitter made me hate John Cusack.
The problem was that originally he was doing a bit, but someone hit him in the back while he was doing it so he’s stuck like that forever.
I was ahead of the curve on that one.
Saw that movie in a first-run theater. Disaster was right. Michael Bay gets a bad rep, but Emmerich is right there with him and goes unnoticed.
What kind of wood doesn’t float?
Natalie Wood!
Also, Meteor, from 1979.
Asteroids! Comets! Nuclear missiles! Evil Russians! Sean Connery!
“Meteor well gosh that sounds pretty good to me.” – Coach Reid
/Christopher Walken slowly melds back into the bushes.
Don’t Look Up. Come for the asteroids, stay for the greed, hubris, and stupidity.
This Canada-USA beach volleyball game is rockin’!
Ok — I admit I had to finally give up and google. And I saw this.
I never knew this movie existed but shame on the rest of you for not drafting it on the first night.
Ha! I saw Christian Slater and thought the pick was going to be something else (which I will not say because it is on my board with a 5th round grade)
It’s a heist movie, but with enough overlap to sneak through here.
That movie sucked.
It’s certainly no Jumanji.
“You spelled ‘Jewmanji’ wrong”
-Stephen Miller
Fuck it, I’ll take Perfect Storm.
George Clooney and Mark Wahlberg dead in the same movie is the opposite of disaster. More like, “perfectly turned twin killing.”
Still can’t get over the Nike ad featuring Kobe Bryant positing the question “does my obsessive focus on winning make me a bad person?” No, stupid – it’s the rape!
Also, he’s dead
US women losing to Spain in 3-on-3.
3-on-3 belongs in the Olympics as much as Calvinball does. It’s so lame.
Hey, woah, let’s not say things about Calvinball that we can’t take back!
That’s what folks said 20 years ago about beach volleyball and yet here we are.
Canadien women’s beach volleyball team going with the off-the-shoulder bikini-top look, clearly catering to the all-important Carolina ungulate audience.
Canadian Women: “Maybe now everyone will stop staring at our asses.”
Everyone The World over: [shakes head slowly]
[stares twice as hard to make up for those who may have gotten distracted] – Balls
“Mmmmm yes. I, too, love a nice cutout back which fully displays the smooth white curves forming/protecting that tight little slit below the middle of his back.”
-JD Vance
This makes me so happy
https://www.facebook.com/share/v/8QQmdYtZVmQPFXZJ/?mibextid=oFDknk
It’s Snoop watching dressage with Martha Stewart
And the horse is named Gin & Juice
Laid back
2. I mean come on
(technically a movie about an environmental disaster)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d9VriVFtNjs
An excellent pick
/stares from Jumanji
Is it me or is it him? It’s him, isn’t it?
Watch the SNL clips again, that should put it over the top
The SNL clip was hilarious.
Nice one!
A tale of some plucky and heroic individuals escaping from a man made disaster:
Goddamn, that was a tough read.
Even tougher watch.
“I wouldn’t change anything over the last 9 days” says that guy with two gold medals and a silver draped over his neck.
OH YA THINK!?!?
Can’t believe this is still available
Underwater.
Mining operation at the bottom of the Marianas Trench goes horribly wrong? Not a great movie if you’re claustrophobic or don’t like seeing people repeatedly get trapped in near-drowning situations, (Mrs. Horatio has a thing about that), but everything about this movie that isn’t Kristin Stewart’s abdominal muscles just scream disaster.
Love me some K Stew
The Core. Shitty movie about a shitty idea for a natural disaster.
Great pick. Terrible movie. And yet whenever it’s on I can’t tear myself away.
“Listen, the whales are singing!!” OH FUCK OFF!!!
It’s not a terrible movie at all. Everyone involved accepted that “yes, this is the dumbest premise for a movie ever” and just ran with it and had fun.
Backdraft.
You gonna say fire isn’t a disaster either, you sonuvabitch?
No. Fire, natural or man-made, is a disaster. The Towering Inferno as the first pick kinda gives that away.
RUN!!! IT’S A KILLER BLIMP!!!!
Huh, I was going to post this because who doesn’t love watching George C. Scott chew some scenery?
Oh, the humanity.
They never made a movie about him, but whenever I see anything about The Hindenburg, I think of this disaster:
?v=33116e4d892fab6878b5c06299369826
Pretty sure we already did a worst draft pick mock draft, and that Jamarcus went pretty high.
Bruce Dern is so magically psycho in it. He deserved an Oscar.
Also, Frankenheimer forcing Goodyear to participate by threatening to bring over a blimp from Europe and paint it silver so people will think it’s theirs without them getting any money, just the notoriety they feared.
I seem to recall enjoying the Abyss, and they encounter the sci fi stuff while on a salvage mission, so the disaster is the original sub sinking
The real disaster was being on the precipice of WW3
2nd pick: Deep Impact – Morgan Freeman as the President, Tea Leone as a tv reporter, a near miss from an asteroid that wipes out most of the east coast.
Chef’s kiss.
Tea Leone is Dollar Tree Carrie Coon.
That’s overselling TL
The F5 from twister
Maybe hit F5 to refresh, because I picked Twister
“Twister I barely know her ha ha ha!” – JD Vance
An exotic beauty with 70’s style! Let the free lovin’ commence!
For a second I thought you were replying to Victoria Principal’s hairstyle down below, just in the wrong place.
Is Blair Witch considered a disaster movie?
That’s Blair Witch 2, but for different reasons.
Not a draft pick, and probably just an impending disaster, but Lowratio League is full with 14 teams!
Cthullu have mercy on us all.
Does The Day After Tomorrow count or is that now considered a documentary like Idiocracy?
No, no one’s launched missiles yet, (knocks frantically on wood), so that pick is good.
You’re thinking of “the day after”
Day after tomorrow is the dennis quaid global warming film
Then again, but are predictive of the future so….
Oh shit, yeah that’s my bad.
Yes, The Day After Tomorrow counts. Jake Gylenhall not dying of hypothermia after being submerged in icy water for several minutes annoys the hell out of me.
He’s just a little tougher than you, I guess.
Maggie Gylenhall is a little tougher than me; this isn’t a high bar.
Do you remember when dumb people insisted Wayfair was a human trafficking operation because, to first believe something this absurd, it makes it totally reasonable to deny the simple addition of casted voted in 2020.
Anyways — can we do that with Usha Vance ordering a couch for her husband to rape?
I wonder if they get new slip covers for role play night?
Hey, don’t demean my senator! That couch was practically begging for it!
How broadly are we defining disaster? I think getting Jumanjid counts, right? So I’ll take the Robin Williams Jumanji
https://youtu.be/8cdBcfLhJVY?si=_8BNDG8EfdcGZjCW
What are you on, and why aren’t you sharing with the rest of us?
No, Jumanji is not a disaster movie.
Nope he is the commissioner! And you will heed his words! Or not, it’s up to you.
I choose not
A& H has drawn a line in the sand!
Poseidon Adventure – it’s a rogue wave which capsizes the ship
It was either that or Towering Inferno for me.
Then I remembered Ms. Daddario’s boobs.
Emmy Rossum from Shameless was in the remake with Kurt Russell.
This would have been my pick, had I participated in this draft. Shelley Winters AND Ernest Borgnine- hook it to my veins!
If you saw a woman riding a horse named “Laura Kraut”, you’d assume she was from Germany, wouldn’t you? You’d be wrong, though – she’s American.
Why would the horse being named “Laura Kraut” have anything to do with the nationality of the rider?
Also, the US is a land of immigrants, just not those brown ones we get nowadays
I was just trying to make a Deep Thoughts reference…
[shuffles off, kicks rock]
Does this morning’s Stock Market count? If not, I’ll take an extraterrestrial invasion.
Independence Day (4/5) Movie CLIP – The President’s Speech (1996) HD (youtube.com)
That’s sci-fi.
You and BFC need to go sit in a corner and think long and hard about your life choices.
1. The Quiet Earth.
1st pick: Volcano (1997) Tommy Lee Jones! Anne Heche! A volcano in Los Angeles!
Volcano has two of the most memorable deaths I’ve ever seen in a movie
1. John Carroll lynch idiotically jumping into lava
2. And Anne Heche’s assistant being killed by the gases underground, gnarly.
I kinda want to make an Anne Heche joke here, but technically she only got herself killed IRL, so….
It’s not like she’s gonna read the joke.
Volcano is a truly terrible movie, but a perfect example of this draft.
San Andreas. For…reasons.
The arrows are killing me.
– Boromir
The arrows are killing me
This image must be left over from a game of “spot the 30 year old playing a high schooler”
Carla Gugino is better
I’ll take Earthquake because I like George Kennedy and also Victoria Principal’s t-shirt.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NOsVyhQiP4M&ab_channel=FunSpot
That hairstyle might be eligible for this draft.
Bet she has the muff to match.
I’m sure it holds up having not seen it in decades, but I thoroughly enjoyed the first Twister movie, so I’ll take that
Dang it, I just saw this,
Well you didn’t specify the f5 from the end, while I did
So you can take the one that kills Helen hunt’s dad
We’re drafting the movie, not specific scenes in the movie.
You people are turning this draft into a bigger disaster than any of the disasters committed to film.
I’d like to draft the Airport series of the 70s but you’re telling I can only pick one movie at a time?
If so, I’ll take the first one.
Lookit that cast!!
And I will take Airplane!
Surely you can’t be serious
It’s a parody, but a parody of a disaster movie, so I am going to allow it.
You’d be surprised at how much thought I put into just this scenario while writing this last night, but Airplane! is allowed.
It’s barely a parody. It just changes the tone of the exact dialogue from that movie that I’m too lazy to look up the name of. They had to buy the rights ffs