It’s finally happened.  After threatening to retire for what seems like every offseason of his career, Aaron Donald, the most terrifying defensive lineman in recent history, has fucked off to do whatever enormous rich people do when they retire.  The Rams are about to find out what happens when they no longer have a disruptive future Hall of Famer in the middle of their defense taking all of the attention from sweaty offensive coordinators.

But what have the Rams done this offseason to mitigate this potential disaster?  Did they bring in another future Hall of Fame lineman to help? Not really possible.They drafted Brandon Fiske and Jared Verse to help fill the void, but will they be enough as rookies to make up for such a titanic loss? Did they beef up the secondary to help avoid the peril they’ll be in from quarterbacks not feeling the heat of Donald’s fearsome pass rush? Nooooooooope.  At corner, they brought in former Jag Darius Williams and added Tre’Davious White, coming off two years of injuries, including a ruptured Achilles and a torn ACL.  After the Lions ran wild in their secondary in last year’s playoffs, this cannot be reassuring to their fans.

But they still have some of the crazy offensive talent that led them to the Super Bowl, including Cooper Kupp and Puka Nacua at wide receiver, Karen Williams at running back and Tyler Higbee at tight end.  Matthew Stafford will have plenty of options to throw to for the roughly 10 games he’ll be healthy for.  Behind Stafford lies the NFL’s handsomest man, Jimmy Garoppolo, and Stetson Bennett Chevrolet, your Athens Chevrolet Leader.  Stafford has played 24 games the last 2 seasons, and at 36, he’s not getting any younger.  Although, I did hear that he has a sleep number bed now, so maybe that’ll help.

One thing you can never discount about the Rams though is Sean McVay.  McVay is one of the best coaches in the league, and guarantees a floor that almost no other coach brings to the table.  He would win 6 games with most of this team trapped in the Negative Zone and replaced with the maintenance staff. Somehow he’d scheme ways to get Alan from accounting open on a curl route.  But they absolutely are not a playoff team unless Stafford stays healthy.  When he’s right, he’s a field general that puts up huge numbers and wins games.  When he’s compromised or out, this is a lesser team with Jimmy G under center.

Their line will have a lot to say about that though.  After one of the worst performances in the league in 2022, the Rams really solidified up front with the addition of guard Steve Avila, who moves over to center this season with the addition of  Jonah Jackson.  They were one of the better lines in the league last year, protecting Stafford and opening up holes for surprise star running back Kyren Williams.

Speaking of Kyren Williams, where the hell did he come from?  15 touchdowns in 12 games is a bananas pace.  He scored more often than Christian McCaffrey, every 14.1 touches.  He also missed 5 games, not a great sign for future durability.  They have added Blake Corum though, to help take some of the load off of Williams.  I loved Corum at Michigan, a hard-nosed runner that finds space, so he’ll be a nice complement.

Overall, I feel like this is a borderline playoff team that will need to score a ton in order to get there.  While that is probably going to be a really fun team to watch, I’m not confident that this is a team that will make any noise in the playoffs if they get there.  They’re also very overdependent on an aging Stafford, but you can say that about almost any team in the league.  There aren’t enough great quarterbacks for every team to have a good backup.  Jimmy G is a guy that can step in and win you a couple of ugly games riding a great defense, but he’s not going to win you a shootout.

I’d be remiss if I didn’t talk about how much I despise Stan Kroenke.  He is a bad toupee-wearing liar with no sense of honor or class who moved this team from his hometown to an apathetic market specifically for the money.  He directed the team to be boring and terrible in St. Louis and then completely changed tack in Los Angeles in order to win a Super Bowl.  I hate Stan Kroenke and this team with a childlike fire that, when they left, felt like it would never be quenched and I would simply never enjoy the NFL again.  Fantasy football (and this collection of delightful assholes) helped me get back into football.  I still have not (and will not) pick another team to root for, and it’s wonderful to not give a shit about the outcome of any game.  That, I guess, is the gift that Stanley Enos Kroenke gave me.  I am filled with apathy toward anyone but my fantasy players and the Rams, who I hope remain healthy and lose every game while putting up good fantasy numbers if they are on my team.  Fuck Stan Kroenke forever. Fuck the Rams. Door Flies Open FOREVER.