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Monday Morning Mock Drafts: Wait, Don’t Spoil It For Me!

Horatio Cornblower

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Guten Tag, degenerates.  It’s another Monday morning, which means another mock draft.  This week I was scrolling through some old drafts, waiting for inspiration to strike, and stumbled upon a comment from BFC in which he said he still hasn’t seen Titanic and that would be a good topic for a draft:  Movies You Haven’t Seen That Everyone Else Has.

The rules are simple:  it has to be a movie, it has to have been a popular movie, and you cannot have seen it.  Two objective qualifications and one subjective one that gives us something to yell about.  It should ideally have been out for a while: for instance I haven’t seen the new Deadpool movie, but it’s relatively recent and I’m a busy guy.

Important note:  it does not have to be a good movie, just one that was well known at the time it came out.

With the first pick BFC is arbitrarily assigned Titanic, since that was what led to his comment, which in turn led to this draft.  I don’t want to spoil anything for you, BFC, but this scene is fantastic!

Also, when Titanic came out I was working at a small firm in Hartford.  Several of us were in the lunch room and started discussing the movie.  One of the women from the office assistant pool hollers “I haven’t seen it, don’t tell me how it ends!!”

Folks, when I say you could have heard a pin drop…

She then clarified that she knew the Titanic didn’t make it to New York, (uh, spoiler, I guess?), but that she figured they would do some other stuff at the end of the movie.  Which is fair but also I don’t believe her.

With my first pick I will take The Godfather.  I have seen most of it, true, but in bits and pieces.  I have never sat down and watched the entire film start to finish, although I did read the book.  Probably because it had a lot more explicit sex in it.  I am also unlikely to ever bother to watch the movie, mostly because I can’t stand the sort of people who have seen the film 72 times and base their entire life around it.

The rest of you are on the clock.

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yeah right

I never saw the 3rd matrix movie because the second one was so awful.

Also, I’ve never seen godfather 3.

0
Horatio Cornblower

I don’t particularly dislike Sandler films, and I’ve seen the game show clip (“may god have mercy on your soul”) but I’ve just never gotten around to this one.

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Unsurprised

Never saw Grease. I will run a cheese grater over my balls before I do.

0
blaxabbath

I haven’t seen the new Dumb and Dumber, in part because the original is a favorite of mine and I knew to look away the second I saw the trailer for:

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0
ArmedandHammered

Super Troopers, i bow my head in shame

1
ballsofsteelandfury

Dude

1
blaxabbath

It isn’t like he’s the funniest one around here or anything….

2
ArmedandHammered

Too true. Too true. The eternal straight man and in more ways than one.

1
Unsurprised

Princess Bride

I didn’t see a bunch of those movies that were supposed to be touchstones of growing up in the 80s because I just didn’t watch that kid shit.

0
BugEyedBoo

Rudy. No particular reason, just haven’t sought it out.

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0
Unsurprised

Because “Fuck Notre Dame”

6
Dunstan

I have not seen any of The Matrix films. Whenever people try to convince me they’re good, the arguments consist of:
1) but it introduced the “bullet time” fight cinematography that I have seen a million times since; and
2) dorm room stoner philosophy

2
BugEyedBoo

The first one is good, humans as batteries aside*. A good mix of wire-fu action, pretty people, and SF that doesn’t make you think too much. Stop there, because if you watch the second one you’ll have to watch the third one and you’ll be disappointed.

*I read somewhere the other day that the Wachowskis were planning for humans to be used as processing power, not electricity, but that the money people thought it would be too complicated for people to understand.

3
ArmedandHammered

That makes a bit more sense, self powered processors, max safe operating temp 102 degrees, actually prefers room or slightly higher temps, massive processing power, integration of visual, auditory, olfactory, and tactile data, self-reple…………. 404

6
LemonJello

Time to send A&H back to Cyberdyne Systems for a software update.

3
Horatio Cornblower

Eh, just unplug him and plug him back in.

Maybe blow some vape smoke into the vents.

4
ArmedandHammered

I’m on it Sir!

3
ballsofsteelandfury

Is the plug in the butt?

0
ArmedandHammered

Nope, back of the neck, below the serial number and UPC code.

2
ArmedandHammered

Same place you find a Bishop’s Diocese.

0
ballsofsteelandfury

Seems like a missed opportunity there….

0
Unsurprised

Turns out that isn’t true, but it makes more sense and it seems reasonable why Neil Gaiman would include that in his short story for the original website.

2
BallsofLacrosseAndMapleSyrup

I have never seen Attack of the Clones or Revenge of the Sith.

1
BugEyedBoo

Smart man.

3
Horatio Cornblower

Explanation that post-concussion symptoms are to blame in 3…2…

https://www.cbsnews.com/boston/news/gosder-cherilus-delta-flight-arrest-boston/

0
BugEyedBoo

I got in an argument with a guy on an airplane over seating arrangements, but it never devolved into a literal pissing contest.

2
blaxabbath

I got a nuproxin pill once and ended up peeing in the corner of the room.

I just thought I’d made it to the toilet already. Maybe this was his drunkness / ketamine but he has the unfortunate notoriety of (from the article):

He played five seasons in Detroit, two in Indianapolis with the Colts and two more for the Tampa Bay Buccaneers before ending his career after the 2016 season.

0
BugEyedBoo

I’ve managed to avoid watching this while surfing on the laptop in the living room.

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Horatio Cornblower

This movie was huge when it came out, but I must have been single, (try to contain your shock), because I’ve never seen any of it.

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3
Horatio Cornblower

/checks notes

I’d been seeing Mrs. Horatio for a year. Apparently she just never wanted to see this one.

2
LemonJello

Huh, Blair Witch, you conniving bitch!

Pivot and select:

The Revenant

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2
Horatio Cornblower

That was a good movie with a very poor understanding of hypothermia and how it works.

0
Sharkbait

Revenant: The Pete Campbell ending we all needed

1
blaxabbath

Oh man! That is a movie I never thought I’d see then watched it some lazy Sunday and it really made my day.

0
LemonJello

I’ve never seen Inception.

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2
WCS

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2
BallsofLacrosseAndMapleSyrup

maybe in his timeline it hasn’t been picked yet.

6
LemonJello

Oh, goddammit.

1
ArmedandHammered

Obviously, otherwise you wouldn’t have Blair Witched yourself.

1
SonOfSpam

Never seen anything in this series:

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1
BugEyedBoo

American Graffiti. ISTR that it was the impetus for some 50’s retro and the show Happy Days.

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1
Doktor Zymm

I’m happy no one has mentioned Clue or Airplane!
And very amused that no one has mentioned Blair Witch

1
SonOfSpam

yeah ha ha what kind of loser has never seen Clue

(hopes no one notices that loser is me)

5
BallsofLacrosseAndMapleSyrup

Haven’t seen Clue either

0
LemonJello

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3
Horatio Cornblower

You both need to remedy that, with a quickness.

5
BallsofLacrosseAndMapleSyrup

I will never knowing again watch another M Night Shyamalan movie. Fuck that guy and his out of nowhere, not happy, endings

2
WCS

Fuck that guy and his out of nowhere, not happy, endings

“Seriously.”

— Robert K., MA

5
LemonJello

“Oh, look who’s talking!”

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2
BugEyedBoo

I think he took care of his blockbuster movie problem all by himself.

I thought The Sixth Sense was good, and Unbreakable was okay. The rest of his stuff falls off fast.

1
ArmedandHammered

The Trap wasn’t that bad, but a twist ending is kind of expected in a caper or crime movie, I enjoyed it, but I am also a person who tries to imagine how I would escape out of scenarios like that.

0
scotchnaut

I’ve not seen Gladiator-seemed like overwrought bullshit to me.

1
SonOfSpam

Nah, it’s good. Give in.

2
Doktor Zymm

This and Ben Hur were what we always watched when we had a sub in high school Latin. It holds up to multiple viewings.

I kind of want to rewatch it now actually

Edit: I was thinking of Spartacus, not Gladiator, but I seem to recall Gladiator being good too

Last edited 1 year ago by Doktor Zymm
1
BugEyedBoo

Chariot racing!

https://youtu.be/1LVp4tvl5O4?si=yvPey1kGZ1T6ioXt&t=260

1
Doktor Zymm

It would honestly be easier to list the movies made in the past 20 years that I HAVE seen. I guess I’ll take any of the Marvel movies that are still on the board

0
BallsofLacrosseAndMapleSyrup

Same, unless it was a Disney or Pixar and we went to see it with the kids.

0
BugEyedBoo

Iron Man it is!

1
BallsofLacrosseAndMapleSyrup

The with the exception of the current “Deadpool and Wolverine” movie, haven’t see any of the Wolverine movies.
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Last edited 1 year ago by BallsofLacrosseAndMapleSyrup
0
LemonJello

I thought Logan was the best of the Wolverine movies.

Avoid XMen Origins: Wolverine like you owe it money.

4
2Pack

Spider man, any of them.

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2
BugEyedBoo

Spider-Man 2 is good. The two Spider-Verse animated ones are must-see.

1
WCS

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Ugh. It’s that time of year when ants break the uneasy truce I have with them about not coming inside the house.

3
2Pack

It’s an ant year here by me also. May have something to do with this year’s goofy ass weather. Normally each year after I put down the traps and spray they dissappear. But not this year.

1
Horatio Cornblower

I’ve seen this movie. I’m posting this as more of a warning to you guys as to what’s clearly coming for you.

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3
BugEyedBoo

For us it’s huge black ants that laugh at ant baits. Or little teeny red ones, but I think the ant baits took care of those.

2
ArmedandHammered

Make sure those huge black ants are not what we called wood ants, they are like termites in that they bore into wood to make their nests and that includes any lumber that might make up a dwelling. We would have a log in the fire place and suddenly all of these huge black ants would pour out and die in the flames. Good times, good times.

2
Horatio Cornblower

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Supposedly a very important movie for all of us Gen Xers to see and thereby gain meaning in our lives, but I’ve managed to stagger through my life without having seen it.

3
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

God how I wish the IN YOUR FACE network was real.

1
Horatio Cornblower

I’ll take your word for it.

1
BugEyedBoo

And I got jumped for picking Buckaroo Bonzai *grumbles*.

2
Horatio Cornblower

It was a perfectly cromulent pick.

My comment was directed at most Oscar winners lately not being particularly popular in terms of box office.

2
Senor Weaselo

I NEVER SAW INCEPTION!
https://youtu.be/0henrqeTzyA?si=IkUPaPZIU0X7lUZ7

3
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

2. Civil War (Avengers: Civil War or Marvel: Civil War or whatever. Which is a shame because I’ve heard it was good but my interest in Marvel movies is on life support at this point.

1
yeah right

I saw End Game, Ironman and a couple of the Thor movies but no thanks.

How many CGI explosions is one person supposed to endure?

1
BugEyedBoo

Captain America: The Winter Soldier is IMO the best of the MCU movies. It’s kind of a 70’s The Parallax View take on Captain America.

1
BallsofLacrosseAndMapleSyrup

haven’t seen it

0
The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

Toy Story. I saw Brave Little Toaster growing up and I noped right the fuck out of any animated Things Come to Life horseshit forever.

3
2Pack

Fast and Furious (insert any number)

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Senor Weaselo

My friend refers to it as the FCU (Family Cinematic Universe).

4
The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

Tokyo Drift stands alone.

1
2Pack

Well some day perhaps.

0
Horatio Cornblower

Sort of. One of the main characters shows up in one of the later films. Creates a whole issue with the timeline.

0
BrettFavresColonoscopy

I watched one on a plane last year.

I’m good.

1
ballsofsteelandfury

I have never seen Singles. Love the soundtrack, but never saw the movie.

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2
Horatio Cornblower

What is going on with her legs!?

0
BugEyedBoo

That’s Matt Damon I think.

Oh, you meant the girl on the left. Photoshop fail?

2
BugEyedBoo

Matt Dillon. Shit.

2
ballsofsteelandfury

It was the 90s. Legs were weird…

0
BallsofLacrosseAndMapleSyrup

haven’t seen it

0
SonOfSpam

I saw part of it and was annoyed by the characters despite being the same age. Same with Friends. Just…fuck you whiny assholes.

1
BugEyedBoo

The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across the 8th Dimension . A lot of my friends love it, but it doesn’t seem like anything I’d want to watch.

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2
The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

It’s Cult Classic and not Mainstream Classic for a reason- it either hits you Just Right or misses entirely.

1
BugEyedBoo

I buy that, but as far as entries for this draft I’m down to foreign language films and movies that were nominated for Oscars that I barely remember even existed.

0
Horatio Cornblower

I have a lot of Oscar winners I’ve never seen, but I’m not drafting something like ‘Moonlight’ because I’m pretty sure most people haven’t seen it.

0
BallsofLacrosseAndMapleSyrup

haven’t seen it

0
Sharkbait

Any of the Saw sequels. I saw the first one and hated it.

1
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“I don’t know, it gave me some ideas.” – Richie Incognito

3
BallsofLacrosseAndMapleSyrup

same

1
LemonJello

Funny enough, I’ve never seen The Blair Witch Project.

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9
BrettFavresColonoscopy

I’ll bet you love wearing pants, too, you monster.

7
LemonJello

I will not stand for this kind of character assassination, good sir!

2
Don T

The Conversation. I have started to watch that movie three times, each time turning it off earlier on account of PLEASE SOMETHING HAPPEN DAMMIT!

1
WCS

The idea of private phone calls being listened to being weird and new is weird and new to me. I guess it made sense in the 1970s? I did enjoy it though.

0
BallsofLacrosseAndMapleSyrup

haven’t seen it

0
SonOfSpam

Never saw A Christmas Story. No interest. Bah something.

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7
WCS

Unlike Kindergarten Cop (see below), I did eventually see this from start to finish the whole way.

I’m sure I’ve seen Kindergarten Cop dozens of times total, just never in the right sequence. It’s like Memento, for… well, I guess that’s not a good analogy..

/goes back listening to Yinzer bark about parking spaces

0
Horatio Cornblower

Fun fact, the actress who played the mother is the same actress who played the Paul Newman’s topless bisexual lover in Slap Shot.

Not so fun fact (I think) she recently passed away.

0
WCS

Jan. 9, 2023

Is that “recent”? Legitimate question, consoler.

0
Horatio Cornblower

I’ve lost all sense of time since Covid.

1
2Pack

https://youtu.be/tcth3ccFHh0?si=766MSPH2WC6XUtx2

Never seen Doctor Zhivago

3
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“I can arrange a screening of it for you…” – Jim Irsay

0
BallsofLacrosseAndMapleSyrup

haven’t seen it

0
BrettFavresColonoscopy

For a real pick (and apparent keeping with a nautical theme), I haven’t seen a single Pirates of the Caribbean movie.

3
BrettFavresColonoscopy

I haven’t seen Backdoor Sluts 1-8

4
BugEyedBoo

You should wait until they finish the series, then you can binge watch it.

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5
WCS

BACKDOOR SLUTS 9?!

2
ballsofsteelandfury

You’re missing out, but don’t watch it alone. You’ll get lost.

5
LemonJello

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4
scotchnaut

I never bothered to see Forrest Gump when it came out and when it beat Pulp Fiction (and Hoop Dreams but that’s a different discussion) I decided I’d never watch it ever. And from what I’ve read, the female love interest is not written very well.

2
BugEyedBoo

My brother doesn’t particularly like movies, but loves Forrest Gump. Which I just don’t get.

0
Brocky

I almost want to say the exorcist because I’ve never seen it all the way through, but I know the plot so well it almost shouldn’t count.

Instead I’ll draft,

The French Connection

1
BallsofLacrosseAndMapleSyrup

haven’t see the French connection

0
Don T

Kudos for the Commish for going straight to the problem. Not watching movies EVRRRRBODY hypes day and night is grating shit that drives you away from worthy films and cements an ever more militant ignorance. My “The Godfather”?

Die Hard.

I watched the sequel with Jeremy Irons, and it was fine. I actually like Bruce Willis, love Adam Rickman, and liked the blonde henchman actor in “The Money Pit” perhaps too much. But when the webz spawned the “Die Hard is a Xmas movie” thang,

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2
BugEyedBoo

Just forget that “Die Hard is a Christmas Movie” BS and go watch it. By the time you get to Die Hard With a Vengeance McClain has morphed into Supercop, but Die Hard is a very good fish-out-of-water action film.

Also, when Die Hard was made Bruce Willis was a TV comedic actor. His role as an action hero was considered a big gamble at the time. You can sort of see it now with Chris Pratt, but he’s done it more gradually and less of a gamble, and IMO less successfully.

5
WCS

Die Hard With a Vengeance is awesome.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l-GqY-M5fE4

2
BugEyedBoo

I’ve probably seen it more times than Die Hard.

1
BugEyedBoo

Dr. Strangelove. I’ve only seen a few scenes from it. I should remedy that.

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4
BallsofLacrosseAndMapleSyrup

haven’t seen it

0
Dunstan

Oof, I’ve got a lot of good candidates for this draft, but I’ll start with a big one:

Avatar.

4
WCS

You honestly didn’t miss that much. It was fine, sure. But, it didn’t blow my nips off like I was promised it would.

It was the Chik-A-Fil of movies: overhyped, too expensive. Fine, but nowhere near what I was told to expect.

2
BugEyedBoo

IIRC, it was considered Dances With Wolves, In SPAAACE! even when it came out. But it was a gorgeous display of CGI.

0
Don T

The only good thing about Avatar is the bit between Jerry Seinfeld and Joel Hodgson in “Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee”. HilarioUs.

1
Don T

Counterpoint,

Avatar: The Last Airbender (Nick animation series) is freakin’ GOLD. Not gonna touch any remake, live action or otherwise.

2
BugEyedBoo

The M. Night Shamalamadingdong movie sucks ass. The Netflix live-action series version is good, not great. You’re absolutely right about the Nickelodeon series.

3
Don T

I went to the cinema to see the M. Night one. It spawned, and nurtures, my standing Night boycott.

1
BugEyedBoo

Signs did that for me, although I went to see The Last Airbender because my daughter, a huge Avatar fan, wanted to see it.

0
WCS

“What’s the deal with these puppets making fun of all these bad movies, Joel?”

4
BallsofLacrosseAndMapleSyrup

haven’t seen it, but own the DVD.
DVD is still in the wrapper

1
Doktor Zymm

You remember all those Lisa Frank school supplies that girls used to have? It’s basically that as a movie
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0
BugEyedBoo

What you have there is Avatar: The Way of Water.

0
Horatio Cornblower

What you have there is a JD Vance fantasy.

4
ArmedandHammered

Yeah, can you get that design in fabric for furniture? I mean it just is so lucio.. I mean lovely. – jd

1
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

1. Citizen Kane. I’ll get around to it sometime, I promise.

3
blaxabbath

You’re gonna be one of those people who are like, “I’ve heard The Beatles. It’s nothing more than I hear today in every song.”

And then you don’t windsurf.

1
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I’m not disparaging Citizen Kane, I just haven’t seen it.

I’ll disparage windsurfing all day long, though. So lame. It’s basically sailing but a lot more work and you can’t drink while you do it.

0
LemonJello

What? You too good to put your booze in a camelback and catch some tasty waves-n-wind, brah?

5
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Yes, I’m too good for that.

[waxes up shortboard]

2
SonOfSpam

“That’s your nickname for it too?”

-B. Favre

3
Horatio Cornblower

It’s a sled.

2
BallsofLacrosseAndMapleSyrup

haven’t seen it

0
Brocky

I almost want to make a joke about dirty movie titles here:

I just remember some comedian’s bit about how adult films have gotten lazy: it “used to be” that dirty movies had vague titles, could be mistaken for a non-adult films, and had, at worst, double entendres.

Now dirty titles are formulaic: [Fetish #1], [Fetish #2], [Roleplay/Setting]

Yeah you know what you’re getting into, but where’s the art?

2
blaxabbath

This is some Al Davis level commitment to high first round picks based on Not-The-Draft-Field.

3
blaxabbath

Rocky Horror Picture Show.

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Probably because I’ve never been to a High Testosterone Men’s Club meeting with JD Vance.

7
Doktor Zymm

Tell me you weren’t a theater kid without telling me you weren’t a theater kid

4
Brocky

My first pick:

The good, the bad, and the ugly:

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5
blaxabbath

When the internet was free, I found a bunch of good quality old westerns.

For you young folks, also when the internet was free, a lot of said free movies were poorly ripped or straight-up in-cinema bootlegs. Also, sometimes hardware and software didn’t default synch up on your Compaq Presario. So, point is, a good quality western (with good story) was as sound a find as the full Friends DVD Set With The Sound 0.75 Seconds Late Every Episode After The First Commercial Breakout.

And I thought these “The Man With the Whatever ” films were pretty good value at Free.

1
BugEyedBoo

My wife came back from a trip to NYC, around 2003 or so, with about 20 bootleg DVDs that she had bought for a couple bucks apiece. 3/4 of them were unwatchable. Finding Nemo wasn’t watchable either, but my three-year-old daughter didn’t really GAS.

4
ballsofsteelandfury

I have never seen Casablanca. I only know the meme.

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1
WCS

I’ve never seen Kindergarten Cop in its entirety all at once.

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It’s nawt a toomah, it’s just weird timing.

3
ballsofsteelandfury

Fun memory: I was on a road trip to Utah to go skiing with my brother and some friends. For some reason, we decided to stop in St. George, Utah for the night and watch this movie.

I got up to pee in the middle of the movie and started talking to the girl working at the movie theater. She ended up going skiing with us.

I never got to see the rest of the film.

1
WCS

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6
LemonJello

Alright, *deep breath* I’ve never seen The Big Lebowski.

Come at me, bro.

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6
WCS

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4
ballsofsteelandfury

So, here’s what I’ll say about The Big Lebowski. Unless you see it with someone who gets it or has seen it before, you may end up going, “What the fuck is going on here?”

It’s a tough movie to watch for the first time by yourself.

3
blaxabbath

Second

1
Horatio Cornblower

This is very fair.

1
WCS

I turned to the guy who I was watching it with, who had only seen it once or twice before, and asked, “the plot didn’t really matter, did it?”

1
BugEyedBoo

You just have to take it as a series of skits, not as a movie with a plot per se.

3
Senor Weaselo

I’ve seen about half of it when we played the drinking game. After I had been drinking Mountain Dew Voltage (the blue one) and vodka.

Yeah, puked and passed out.

Last edited 1 year ago by Senor Weaselo
1
BallsofLacrosseAndMapleSyrup

same, haven’t seen it

0
Doktor Zymm

I heard an interview with a lady who has never seen it, and apparently every guy on dating sites who tells her she needs to see it and he will arrange it ends up being incredibly unreliable and it never happens

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