“How Many Times Do We Have To Teach You This Lesson, Old Man?” Or, Your 2024 New York Jets Preview

-Have the current longest playoff drought in North America. No, not in the NFL. In the NFL, MLB, NBA, and NHL combined.

-Have not had a functional offense since the Obama administration.

-Have not had a functional quarterback since the W. administration.

-Are best known in the last 20 years for the worst Thanksgiving Day performance possibly ever, and that includes peak Lions Lionsing and Commanders, uh, Commie-ing, culminating in the quarterback crashing into his lineman’s ass, leading to a scoop and score, which was the point we changed the channel during Thanksgiving dinner to something more family oriented, like Cannibal Holocaust or Mary Had a Little Lamb.

-And of course, managed to come up with an encore last year with the Hell Mary. Why was it an encore? Well, who else would give up a pick-six, on a Hail Mary? Normally you just knock it down, end of half. Oh, and that play happened on Black Friday of course. Thrown by Tim Boyle, because Zach Wilson was such rancid shit after 6 weeks of occasional cromulence that he got replaced by QB3.

That’s not to get into personnel, or political leanings of quarterback and owner, because it doesn’t matter! Well, it does in an indirect way with Aaron Rodgers doing… whatever “homeopathic healing” he’s been up to when not shilling for Kennedys that will not get things in New York named after them, like international airports, or bridges, or places of residence. The question is whether QAaron’s Aqhilles tendon rupture on him, again. Because, you know, the only thing more reliable than a 39 year old quarterback who’s been oft injured the last few years is a 40 year old quarterback who’s been oft injured the last few years and is coming off a ruptured Achilles after four plays and spends parts of his minicamps going on campaign tours, exactly the thing you want in a quarterback who as a result of playing basically no time last year needs to establish chemistry with receivers. But Robert Salah says all is fine, and Robert Salah is an honorable man.

The defense should still be pretty good though, with or without Hassan Reddick. Though him not playing a down before getting traded for pennies on the pennies on the dollar would be classic Jets. The corners are great, the pass rush is still good whether or not Reddick shows, the linebackers… maybe don’t need to do as much as other corps?

The offense should officially be led by Aaron Rodgers, but more likely will be new backup Inanimate Carbon Tyrod for if/when Rodgers gets hurt; and the cadre of running backs led by Breece Hall. Can they get holes from the O-line that got Rodgers injured in the first place so early on? Well there’s a shiny new first round lineman and a healthy Alijah Vera-Tucker, so maybe? Like, if things go right?

(We all know things will not go right.)

PREDICTION: This team could go any number of potentially hilarious ways. So… which one would be the cruelest and therefore most comedic? Things like, a GAMBLOR sniff of whether Aaron Rodgers will play more or fewer snaps than last year. Which, you’d think might be tricky to top four, but remember, it’s the Jets. Anything is possible aside from mundane basic logic. Does Sauce Gardner get suspended for accidentally saying something anti-Semitic? TOTALLY POSSIBLE. Have a 17-point lead in the Super Bowl, then rocks fall, everyone dies? Sure! 3-14? Yes, considering it won’t result in the first pick, because we all know the Panthers are going to be Carolina Reaper shit.

On paper, the division’s for the taking. The Bills are on a potential downswing thanks to the beginnings of cap purgatory and the Dolphins are the Dolphins. The Post-Hoodie era is in full swing. The AFC East plays the AFC South (though also the NFC West including opening Monday Night against the Niners, so write that down as a loss), and a third-place schedule includes the Broncos, which the high point in 2023, and the Steelers, who may also fight an uphill battle against the concept of 250 points in the season. 12 wins seems entirely possible!

So, in true form… 9-8, no playoffs, Rodgers retires, and everyone is shown the door? Defense gets to the point where they need to start getting paid, and we’re back to square zero? Sounds about right.

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Any other team could have had camp at Hofstra, but noooo.

The unis are a step up though, because it’s a nod to the past. I’d be happy with a combo of that and the 2000s font, but still, progress. That’s something for this franchise.