Last season was the nadir of the New England Patriots. It had to be. It MUST be. After utter disaster on the field and the departure of the greatest head coach in the history of football, it was clearly time for a complete and total rebuild of the entire organization. While last year sucked to experience as a fan, none of you have any sympathy for me whatsoever and clearly never will, so at least I also don’t need to write with the pretext of being objective in my evaluations here. As the party is now officially over, I am also unfortunately devoid of any existentialist creative output this year. Also, my wedding is in two days. I am just a little bit busy, I suppose…

THE GOOD FOR 2024

This Drake Maye fellow… I hope he’s the real deal. We probably won’t see him for a little while based on the chatter out of training camp; the Pats also brought in Jacoby Brissett for good measure. He’s the starter, and despite having played for some dog water teams in recent history (the post-Andrew Luck Colts teams and the Commanders since… ever), I actually don’t mind his play. I think he’s got the chance to be a decent mentor while also not having the ego of someone like Cam Newton, who was simultaneously trying to be a starter while also having to deal with rookie Mac Jones – a lot of mixed messages in that role. Nice that it seems the whole organization is prepared to be patient this year.  

I do like the RB depth chart for the year ahead; Rhamondre Stevenson is a really good player, and I like the Antonio Gibson signing as well, especially for his ability to catch passes out of the backfield. 

I also really love the secondary for this season, provided everyone can stay healthy. Jabrill Peppers finally looked like a stud last year for the first time in his career, while CB Christian Gonzalez got hurt early but looked awesome in the four games he played in to start 2023. Jonathan Jones and Kyle Dugger are also really excellent DBs. 

THE BAD FOR 2024

Man, the Pats still have no receivers. Like, none. JuJu Smith-Schuster was a bust last year and got cut in training camp. DeVante Parker signed an extension, then got cut in March, then retired afterwards. Kendrick Bourne blew out his ACL last year and isn’t healthy yet. They’re gonna need somebody… literally anybody… to show they can be the guy this year. Maybe that’s DeMario Douglas or Ja’Lynn Polk, but that’s a lot to ask of rookies as well. 

The offensive line is also going to take a beating this year. David Andrews, at center, is the best of the bunch, but at age 32 I worry his best years are behind him. The rest are probably going to get destroyed, unfortunately. Probably just as well that a rookie QB is probably not going to be playing much; I worry he’d be running for his life otherwise. 

The last years of the Belichick regime made for some perplexing decisions from a player personnel standpoint – likely due to the reputation he developed in the latter part of his career as a coach who found it difficult to relate to younger players.  As such, there really haven’t been many major free agent signings to land in New England in recent memory; one might argue that LB Matthew Judon was the last significant one. However, he got dealt last week in exchange for a draft pick. Ultimately, this culture of free agents avoiding the Patriots desperately needs to change moving forward if this team wants to become relevant again.  

THE QUESTION MARKS FOR 2024

These are, of course, no longer Bill Belichick’s New England Patriots. After 24 seasons under his complete control, new head coach Jerod Mayo has some Sideshow Bob-sized shoes to fill in taking over the big job. He has an impressive resume for a brief eight-season career as a player, including a Super Bowl win over Seattle in the 2014 season, an All-Pro selection at linebacker in 2010, and two Pro Bowls; as a coach, he seems to be highly regarded by his players. But at 38, he’s the second-youngest coach in the league (behind Seattle’s Mike Macdonald) – there’s lots that he’s yet to learn about coaching, even while serving as a member of Belichick’s staff since 2019. I think there’s ample reason to suggest that his initial time has been successful, if not from an on-field results standpoint, but at least in terms of understanding what it means to be an effective leader and communicator. But ultimately, I think the biggest question mark is how this team is able to manage fan expectations over the next two seasons. 

There’s no doubt that a rebuild was necessary. Mac Jones’ continued implosions week after week last year made that explicitly clear. And not even the greats like Don Shula got to coach forever. Belichick may not have necessarily ended things exactly as he would have wanted to, but his departure is ultimately for the greater good of the franchise. To me, really, the big problem that the Patriots have moving forward is simply one of how to manage fan expectations appropriately; how can the team explain effectively that they’re not really playing for what happens during this 2024 season, but rather for the years ahead? 

One must remember: Patriots fans are the worst people in the world. I know: I’m one of them. With six Super Bowls in the 21st century, we remain an entire collective of Tawmmys from Quinzee – a bunch of spoiled rotten, delusional morons who have grown to expect brilliance from everybody but themselves. These are people who cannot be reasoned with, nor demand introspection from; indeed, we are not even a group to be pitied, let alone tolerated in polite company. As such, it’s up to the team to try and turn those fan expectations and behaviors around moving forward. I’m not sure Tom Brady throwing to a combination of Randy Moss, Rob Gronkowski and John the Baptist could even turn this team’s fortunes around in the immediate future. Communicating plans and long-term strategy effectively with Pats fans is always an uphill battle, in part because good communication involves two parties that are actually willing to listen and engage. 

THE FINAL WORD FOR 2024

Playing in the AFC East is probably one of the worst things for this team right now. The Bills may not be as good as last year but are still a playoff team; the Dolphins are also a playoff team and could well win the division. If Aaron Rodgers is actually healthy this year, the Jets will not be a pushover, as their D remain extremely, extremely good – that’s three potential playoff teams alone. And then there’s New England. But as always, teams only ever improve by playing other good teams – if this year proves to be a painful one, I at least hope it will also be a learning one. In short, this is probably a 6-11 or 7-10 team this season at the upper end. 

At any rate, if you see me drinking myself into a stupor this year, just know it’s due to the fact that I am an unreasonable asshole. It’s also good practise for all the drinking I’ll be doing when WE AHH SUPAH BOWL CHAMPIONS IN TWENTY FACKIN’ TWENTY FIVE!!!! NO ONE DENIES THIS!!!!