The Increasingly Poor Decisions of King Hippo – my Loser Pool re-set on Friday, and after much hesitation, I sent in my fee Sunday morning and submitted my pick.

The goddamned Donks, of course.  So not only did I feel like the idjit donor in imaginary GAMBLOR, but it also removed any enjoyment from Denver’s random 26-7 win down in MRSA-land.  How stupid was this pick?  Denver has an excellent defense, and it was too predictable they would cause issues for Baker, Baker the Turnover Maker (who re-remerged in full glory today).  This Bucs squadron, and this quartered back?  Are not built to handle success.  So they zig when one expects zag, and I am such a loser donor.  But yeah, it is nice (in retrospect) for Denver not to be 32nd-best in the NFL, at least for this week.

Who else showed up this week, out of nowhere?  Malik Nabers and the Vertically Enhanced Persons, that’s who.  After fumbling the opening kickoff, and giving up a 1-play immediate TD drive?  Daboll’s men ripped #ThePauls a new Paul-hole for four quarters.  Not 2, not 4, but EIGHT sacks of Touchy McGee, didn’t even get gashed in the run game.  Watson did manage one late TD drive (plus two-pointer), but despite being gifted multiple chances by the ever-inept Dimebag – that Jersey defense wasn’t having it.  21-15, another 0-2 off the mat.  Bigger and bigger trouble in Believeland, though.

I’m going to cheat ahead and dip into the late window, because trends require it.  The THIRD of the consensus bottom 3 was also on the road, and also put up a convincing win.  YES, the Red Rocket-led Panthers made mincemeat of the Raiders, racing to a 33-7 lead before garbage time got us to a 36-22 final.  It was an absolute fisting by the visitors, something Mark Davis would have to pay double to get from Tonight Girlfriend.

Saints/Iggles was just strange.  Nick Sirianni coached like he was shaving points, trying for a too-clever-by-half 4th and 1 play just behore HT.  Rather than take the FG and 3-3 at the break, he pseudo-faked a tush push play for a fly sweep – which got stuffed.  Had they made the yard?  He would have had to burn his LAST timeout, then MAYBE take ONE shot at the end zone.  Before taking the FG anyway.  What kind of lunatic maths dance in his bro noggin?  Later in the game, up 7-6, he’d insanely try a SIXTY yard FG, with about 7 minutes to play.  N’Awlins had been catatonic on offense, but taking over at midfield got them instant confidence and a quick 12-7 lead.  But, even after DeVonta Smith left the game, the Saints defense somehow left Dallas Goeddert completely wide the fuck open, for a 60-yard pickup.  That, and an inability to tackle Saquon (much more understandable than the Goeddert thing) bought Emo Carr and pals a 15-12 home loss.  Welcome back to stupid reality, population y’all.

Clippers at Stillers was about what you’d expect, an old-school slobberknocker.  But Strawberry Fields kicked into another gear, turning a 10-10 stalemate into a 20-10 win.  Lesser Harbs also paid the price for his stupid man management, both (i) putting Herbert back into the game with a 3-score lead Week 2; and (ii) letting him try to gut out playing on a high ankle sprain Week 3.  He predictably aggravated the owie, on a simple play fake.  Spotted in a walking boot after the game.  So, you reckon he’ll miss 2+ more weeks now, and you lose in Yinzburgh anyway.  Great work, coach!  Lesson of course remains, nevar EVAR doubt Coach Tomlin, who sits in the catbird’s seat at 3-0.

Malik Willis(good week to be a Malik, apparently) went back to Nashville and got his mighty vengeance.  Will Levis further removed himself from DonT’s good graces with even more ridiculous errata.  And give it up to the Green Bay coaching staff – they’ve had Willis in camp maybe a month?  They seem to have fixed his fucked-up mechanics completely (or at least made them 80% less noticeable), and implemented a game plan that he can execute confidently and successfully.  That shit’s not easy to do, in the least.  30-14, Packers roll.

Also flying high in the NFC North?  Kevin O’Connell, Touch of Downs, and the Minnesota Vikings.  Actually, don’t overlook Brian Flores as a primary contributor – that defense had CJ Stroud seeing ghosts all damned day.  Well, 3.5 quarters of it, before he got pulled for Davis Mills in garbage time.  SKOL get the 34-7 home laugher.  Impressive as fuck.

Some fixtures…only a mother could love.  Lots of empty calorie yardage for Caleb Williams, sure.  But his happy feet and rash decisionmaking dug a hole too deep, despite Anthony Richardson’s determination to match every fuckup.  Fat Humps hold on to win, 21-16 – but it never felt in doubt.

UGH, still 4 late window games to remember.  The Ratbirds were dominant for like 80% of the game in JerralWorld, then damned near sleepwalked into mortal danger.  Up 28-6, they surrendered THREE Q4 touchdowns, while missing a mid-range FG and giving up the first onside kick recovery under the new rules.  But they stopped both 2-point attempts, and got the ball back needing 1-2 first downs to preserve the 28-25 win.  And Lamar! cam through, cool as a cucumber.  First, with his arm, a dart to Zay Flowers on 3rd and 6.  Second, with brain and legs, pulling a zone read handoff out of el Tractorcito’s belly and shifting through traffic for the final dagger.  America collectively unclenches from what would have been an out-and-out disgusting aftermath.  Cowpersons fall to 1-2, but one suspects they’ll wrap up the NFC Special Needs Division title by Week 16.

Skyler took the LOLfins into the Den of the Twaaaalllllves, and left with nothing but a rib owie.  Tim Boyle, somehow still in the League, mopped up in a completely forgettable 24-3 loss.  Watching the SeaTruthers win with fundamentally sound defense and well-time “shot” plays has to make Charmslinger wistful.

The story of the California showdown sure seemed to be Purdy Mouth making an instant fantasy star out of JaJuan Jennings.  They were up 2 scores seemingly the entire game, but missed an ill-advised 55-yard FG, giving RRRRRRRRRRRRRAM IT!! a short field for the tying TD.  One expected the Tomsulas to march down for the winning FG, but they screwed up their possession, blew the ensuing punt coverage, and somehow lose 27-24.  I seriously don’t get how that ended up happening.  But Santa Clara score a brutal own goal, against a rival to boot.

Nobody represents the schizo nature of the 2024 season quite like the Detroit Lions.  This week, it was back to being a defensive/run game juggernaut, in a convincing – albeit somewhat plodding – 20-13 win over Xbox, Jr. and his Qardinals.  Another game where one team led by 7-10 seemingly the whole game, but Detroit held their nerve and saw the game out.

That leaves SNF, Chefs at Falcons.  I really don’t care about this game, and am typing while it happens.  I sure as shit had the sound off.  Enjoyed Justin Simmons’ end zone pickerception, though.  Because it’s not yet mandatory, I turned it off with Sherman’s Ashes up 14-10.  Nice to snooze without the aftermath of the inevitable Reid/Mahomes comeback and media fellatio.