Welcome to Week 8 action, no byes.  Don’t forget to buy Halloween candy, then buy MOAR when you eat the first batch.  You disgusting, fat pig.

Cincy went with the “White Tiger” kit this week, and the vast majority of the home support decided to join in.  Depending on one’s perspective, it looked a bit like a Guilty Remnant convention, or perhaps a Klan rally.  Didn’t work, though.  Iggles kind of kicked their ass sideways, 37-17.  The second half was just a bulldozer act.  Probably the end of WKRP’s hopes to get back into contention.

You’d expect the Fuck LioUns to truck DonT’s once-magnificent Tits, and you’d be right.  Mason Rudolph (speaking of Klan rallies) was briefly quite cromulent, but still tossed two back-breaking pickerceptions.  There were also a fuckton of kick returns into Tits territory, including a 90-yard Kalif Raymond punt return TD to make it 42-14.  All kitties playing with their food after that thunderbolt.  52-14, no mas.

Out with Touchy McGee, in with…Rapey Jameis??  He still has that complete lack of pocket awareness, as reminiscent of his Tallahassee days.  This led to a bad fumble to set up a Ratbirds TD, right before HT.  Then late, with Balmer clinging to a 24-23 lead, Jameis throw it…right to Ravens safety Kyle Hamilton.  Who dropped it.  And then dropped it again off the initial bobble.  Christ on a bike.  Winston then hit a somehow wide-open Cedric Tillman for the 29-24 win.  Lamar! got inside the Cleveland 30, had a couple of moonshots into the end zone, to no avail.  #ThePauls get a semi-lucky win, but BAL was asking for trouble all day.

Man, not to pile on…but Anthony Richardson’s just not any good.  It’s uncomfortable to watch, most of the time.  Still, the 500s needed VAR to overrule a fumble return TD (Beatie Mixon just brushed the recovering defender before he got off the turf) to cling to a 23-20 home win.  Houston is 6-2 with a sweep of the 4-4 Fat Humps.  So…that’s all she wrote, really.  They didn’t look very good, though.

The devastated MRSA Men’s receiver room turned to the creamsicle kit (and midfield logo!) for some good juju.  But they ran into the buzzsaw that is Daytime Dingleberry.  A late safety, TD, and missed Younghoe FG got the margin down to 31-26, but Baker couldn’t make any Hail Mary magic happen.  Like HOU, Sherman’s Ashes now has the sweep over its only plausible division rival.

Jest and P*ts was a very sad thing, for most of the day.  It’s a shame somebody had to win, because this Timeline is too Darkest for a most glorious Draw.  But stupid Gangrene took the lead on a late Braelon Allen vultureDOWN.  Missed the two, but 22-17 would be the final.  EXCEPT IT WASN’T, with Jacoby Brissett (Drake Maye left early with head owie) leading a bonkers, last-minute drive of his own.  For some reason, Coach Mayo called his last timeout on 4th and goal from the 4-inch line., at 25 seconds.  They got the rushing score, but gave Q-aron a few unnecessary snaps (that fortunately didn’t come to fruition).  25-22, P*ts win, both squadrons are ded at 2-6.  You LOVE to see it!

The big story out of DUUUVAL?  Love hurts.  We’ll see how badlhy, but lots of lots of cheese sharts landed in Wisconsin-area sweatpants.  Josh Jacobs stayed alive, and that would suffice.  For this week, anyway.  When I wasn’t paying attention, the Jaguras somehow rolled off 10 points to tie things up – but then considerately blew coverage so badly that Willis could lead GB into chip shot FG range, 30-27 to the Packers.

Welcome back from the (brain)dead, Tua!  Arizona at home is a comfortable enough starter, at least on paper.  Xbox, Jr. hung in there, though.  Deffo a contest into Q4, though I checked out mentally when LOLfins got up to a 2-score lead, 27-18.  Then Xbox, Jr. – much like Prison Girlfriend above – rolled off two scoring drives.  Chad Ryland kicked the walkoff winning placement, 28-27 Qards.  At least Tua won’t remember it.

Sorry.  I know it seems like I wasn’t paying good attention.  I wasn’t.  Some days, my brain is leakier than others.

Five in the late window, including the Caleb Williams/Jayden Daniels faceoff (with the latter playing through a cracked rib, which hurts like a motherfucker).  That Commie D (PHRASING) was the real story, though.  They fucking dominated.  But they only managed FGs, and a Swift TD run cut the margin to 12-7.  Washington lined up for FG #5, but it got partially blocked.  Ruh-roh.  Caleb got his charges to 3rd and goal from the 1, Bearistocrats got cute, tried to run a lineman for the score and he fumbled.  MORONS.

BUt they got bailed out, as the Commies commit a dumb, obvious DPI on 4th and 3 in the red zone.  This time, they let an actual running back take it in for the winner (they also made the two, 15-12 final).  Oof, that will leave a mark.  Chi**** had absolutely no business winning that game.  But them’s the breaks.

Except NO.  Chicago let WAS get to the 48 and out of bounds, with 2 seconds left.  Daniels bought SO MUCH TIME and then unloaded a Hail Mary…short, around the 2-3 yard line.  Which gets tipped right to ALL BY HIMSELF Noah Brown in the end zone.  Commies win, 18-15.  HOLY FUCKING SHIT, Team of Destiny.

Kansas City visited whatever is left of the Las Vegas Raiders, to predictable results.  I mean, Mahomes is still really, really off.  But the defense cleaned up his messes, and Vegas wasn’t up to the task of making them pay.  Finally, with a very short field, Mahomes slowly led them to the dagger TD (pass to Worthy), 27-13 Chefs, whittled to 27-20 before the onside kick fails.

Black Panthers!  Donks WOO!!  In Mile High!  OK, nobody but me was looking forward to this combo platter.  Charlotte’s “finest” actually scored the first touched down of the match, but then reality set in.  Poor Wee Bryce.  Motherfucker is hopeless.  Invest well, that 2nd contract ain’t happening.  28-14, mercifully it finally ended (after a garbage time Panthers score).

Brokeback gets to head back out west, to meet the high-scoring Geno Smith SeaTruthers (not a typo).  How did THIS not get flexed to primetime?  Oh, because Seattle decided to shit its collective pants.  It got to 31-3 before deep garbage time.  Geno was an absolute disaster, and the rest of the ‘Truthers pretty much matched his performance.  Final is 31-10, after SEA muffs a punt and BUF takes pity on the home side and leaves it be.

Finally (since I am blowing off SNF), you had the reeling Saints and the Shitty Clippers (no adjective needed).  Scoring opened with the THIRD safety of the day, caused by a bad Spanoi punt snap.  Hilarity, including a missed Clips extra point got us to Dolly Parton (9-to-5) at the half.  You don’t see that every day.  The score stayed funny, 16-8 turning into a 26-8 final in garbage time  Rattlesnake kid got benched, Haener wasn’t really any better.

Tomsulas and Non-Gendered Cowpersons on SNF.  Much MOAR interesting to the general public/broadcast executives than it is to Hippo, at least in the current participants’ form.  I will half-assedly watch while I do legal work, but I ain’t writing it up.  Hippo apologizes.