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Short And Sweet-A Cowboys/Niners Game Intro

scotchnaut

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I have some morning duties that for once I can’t evade so this is a quickie.

To The Game!

Cowboys/Niners:

-Jerry is such a laughing stock-earlier in the week he claimed that King Henry didn’t fit the Cowboys “scheme”. And yet Zeke does and we can see how that’s working out.

-Dak will eventually get on track and so might as early as tonight see Lamb finally reach 100 yards in a game.

-Purdy’s weapons at wr this evening are Aiyuk, a gunshot victim and someone that Dok gave a fiver to outside the local Target.

-Mason has been getting the work but hasn’t come up with a 100 yard rushing performance in three games now. McCaffrey’s injury is still a mystery to me.

Have at it.

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litre_cola

I have survived the BeerguyRob

2
Mr. Ayo

For now. Check in tomorrow morning.

1
Unsurprised

I wish I went to Seattle

0
Brick Meathook

I’ve filled out my California mail-in ballot. The races for actual human candidates were easy (write-ins for Me, Me, Me, Me, Me, etc etc). But I had three voter guides for City, County, and State ballot initiatives. I studied them; it was like doing homework. For each proposal, there was an “Argument For,” a “Rebuttal to the Argument For,” “Argument Against,” “Rebuttal to the Argument Against,” blah blah blah. At the end I knew less than I did before. So I phoned up the proponents and told them to send me money.

1
WCS

Both ads for the Pennsyltucky race for Senate accuse the other of being in China’s pocket. Both ads are essentially copied and pasted, just with names swapped.

Apparently, despite not being in office and only 13 years old at the time, Representative Summer Lee (D-PA) took orders directly from CALIFORNIA LIBERAL NANCY PELOSI something something something LIBERAL VALUES SQUAD something NINE ELEVEN!

3
litre_cola

BeerguyRob brought us to 4 breweries, cocktail bar and brought us to a whiskey bar upon my request. Friends want to go to bed. No!

7
Gatoraids

As you fantasy season sinks further and further into the dark

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4rDVb8q8KWw

1
blaxabbath

Dallas is so stupid.

2
Unsurprised

Evergreen

1
Brick Meathook

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Brick Meathook

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5
Brick Meathook

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Unsurprised

Good Lord. This image is from 2016.

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4
Unsurprised

How has he survived in the league this long?

1
WCS

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GIMMIE DAT FUCKING ASSHAT MCARTTY UP HERE PRONTO YOU FUCKIN NUMBNUTS! I’MMA TIE HIS FAT ASS TO HIS FATTER FUCKING FACE!! HE’S MAKING MY GOTTAMNED STARTS LOOK THAN THAT SHITHEEL DANNY SNYDER AFTER THE IRS SHOWED UP TO HIS YACHT! I’M KILL EVERYONE TONIGHT BULLEE YOU ME!

GIMMIE ALL THE DALLAS SNOW YOU CAN AND GET THE LADIES ON THE GOTTDAMN HORN! THE OL’ DOUBLE J IS PISSED THE FUCK OFF AND YOU ARE ALL GONNA PAY! YYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW NOT ONLY AM I FUCKIN CRAZY I’M FUCKING PISSED THE FUCK OFF

8
Gatoraids

PEEK ABOO

Me? I’ve had so many names. Old names that only the wind and the trees can pronounce. I am the mountain, the forest and the earth. I am… I am a faun. Your most CRAZIEST servant, Your Highness.

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3
Unsurprised

I’m thinking Ol’ Jerrah isn’t the only one on blow

0
yeah right

I haven’t seen a Cowboy take a shot to the face like that since I walked in on the Village People at a Turkish bathhouse.

10
Gatoraids

Finally the day is picking up the Bears

3
Brick Meathook

He turned a potential Chernobyl into a mere Three Mile Island. Bravo!

6
blaxabbath

This guy Travon Diggs, I call him Andrew Lloyd Webber because he makes a good play!

4
WCS

Jeebus Crimney, Dak.

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5
The Maestro

THIS DAK PRESCOTT I CALL HIM WTC BUILDING SEVEN BECAUSE THIS IMPLOSION FEELS RIGHT ON SCHEDULE

6
Mr. Ayo

YEE HAW! WE FUCKING SUCK!

YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE SUCKS? THESE LOVELY LADIES! YEE HAW!

4
Doktor Zymm

Gurreriendo! Woo!

Is balls alive?

1
WCS

He was hit by a Category 40 Hurricane earlier.

4
Unsurprised

Wasn’t it a whole series of them?

1
WCS

Worse than the Gulf Coast

2
Unsurprised

“We’re into the Greek alphabet.”

3
Unsurprised

/Slaps forehead

Cut the bottoms of Trinity’s catsuit to make them booty shorts! How did I not think of that?

2
WCS

I have to admit, I do enjoy this jorb. Even if the rest of yinz get irritated by the late night/early morning shenanigans.

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8
Bogdanski

Whither all the restaurants with sassy wait-staff and random crap on their walls?

2
Unsurprised

At least growing up they didn’t just microwave everything.

What is funny is that across three states and in Spain, TGI Fridays always had the sloooowwwwwest and worst service.

0
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Who would get annoyed at late night/early morning shenanigans? We’re mostly asleep!

0
herodotus450

When visiting you might be tempted to call it “San Fran” but if you want to blend in as a local you should go with “Frisco” instead.

5
Mr. Ayo

Great advice. I love Cali.

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jjfozz

I would go with “This Fucking Shithole”, but that’s just me.

5
Unsurprised

Contrasting it with “That Other Shithole,” “That Shithole I’m From,” and “Your Shithole Town.”

1
jjfozz

Dear stupid slice of white bread announcer.
Re: Bosa’s birthday dinner

The dish is called “bracciole” it is pronounced “BRAH-johl”

5
Bogdanski

Are they playing the lion King song while talking about nick bossa? not a good look

1
ThePirateSloth

My idiot puppy Evelyn, in a fit of excitement, attacked the blanket on the floor, worked her way underneath it, and has spent the last 10 minutes fighting the blanket trying to work her way back out of it.

And my edible has kicked in.

If I die, it was because of cuteness. She’s so, so dumb, but this is so adorably funny.

9
Gumbygirl

We need a picture

3
ThePirateSloth

Ma’am, this is how I’ve been since the edible kicked in. Taking, much less posting a photo of her is beyond my abilities right now. Typing is all I got. Being terminally online comes in handy from time to time.
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WCS

True WCS fact: one of my children may or may not share the same name.

3
Senor Weaselo

Plot twist: It’s Duke WCS, because it’s a royal family name.

4
Unsurprised

“Evelyn Waugh was a man.”

Sophia Coppola must’ve really hated Cameron Diaz back then. That’ so petty.

0
LemonJello

Ol’DubbleJ must’ve promised the Defense a helluva hookers-n-blow party if they win tonight to get this kind of performance out of them.

1
WCS

Carrots and sticks

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Unsurprised

“If you win, sniff coke off the carrots. If you lose, the coke is on the tips of the sticks.”

“No. Think an even smaller hole.”

1
Unsurprised

There’s Mayo here in PDX?

Thanks for the link, Pirate Sloth.

1
Mr. Ayo

Seattle, but I drive through a few times a year.

1
ThePirateSloth

Welcome! Sorry I missed this earlier.

1
King Hippo

N-GCp are gonna win. I turned it off. Gonna set me alarm for early to do my worky-work.

1
Doktor Zymm

Some decent bird flu and speedhole action, but penalties killing

0
Spur

dallas did a good? No flag?

0
litre_cola

Beerguyrob’s name is nae lie

4
Unsurprised

He robbed you!?!?

0
Doktor Zymm

I like my new job, but man unemployment was fun

6
LemonJello

Volcano lair upkeep can’t be cheap, though.

5
Doktor Zymm

Truth. So few obsidian craftsmen these days and you can’t stint on the obsidian carvings

3
Senor Weaselo

Both on the furniture and the armory!

2
Doktor Zymm

Also spending more in the hammock district that originally budgeted

3
LemonJello

Hopefully that gets offset with carbon tax credits from utilizing your geothermal energy.

4
Doktor Zymm

CowLOLs? LOLBoys?

0
BrettFavresColonoscopy

DalASS

3
Col. Duke LaCross

Arm punt

0
jjfozz

Me and Mrs. Fozz marked 23 years of wedded “bliss” this weekend, actually got away from the burning minefield that is my family for a day or two. and it was well needed.

She is easily the luckiest woman in the world.

12
Doktor Zymm

Glad you got to unwind a bit, cheers!

2
jjfozz

I would randomly run outside and yell at strangers because I’m so used to constantly yelling at my kids. I didn’t want to get rusty.

6
LemonJello

It’s not a contest* of course, but the Lady LemonJello and I celebrated 30 years of matrimony last Tuesday. I honestly don’t know why she keeps me around, other than opening jars and getting things off high shelves.

*it’s totally a contest

9
Doktor Zymm

Seems worth it, I spend maybe 10 wasted minutes a year dragging step stools around and running jar lids under hot water

Last edited 1 year ago by Doktor Zymm
1
BugEyedBoo

Take a butter knife and tap the jar with the handle, at an angle, so that the force is going counterclockwise. Like you’re trying to open the jar by tapping the lid with the handle of the knife. It doesn’t have to be crazy hard, just nice firm taps. Do that a couple of times, turn the jar clockwise, and do it a couple more times. That will loosen the jar lid.

3
Doktor Zymm

Oh I do that after the hot water, 100% success rate

0
BrettFavresColonoscopy

Mazel!

0
ThePirateSloth

I honestly don’t know why she keeps me around, other than opening jars and getting things off high shelves.

MrsSloth has kept me around these last 10 years for this as well as being able to lift the mattress for the fitted sheets.

1
Doktor Zymm

Should California ever allow sports betting, I’m just going to bet $10/week against the cowfolks and see how I do long term

3
King Hippo

Why doesn’t “Fake Tales of San Francisco” get MOAR airplay? It’s Arctic Monkeys’ best work.

2
Doktor Zymm

I’m glad Deebo recovered from bird flu, I hope his lungs are in good enough shape to peck the shit outta some cattle!

2
King Hippo

Can one order an official Tomsulas jersey with “SPEEDHOLES” as the name on the back? I wanna support Florida Man Pearsall for STANDING HIS GROUND

6
Doktor Zymm

Official? No. Oficcial? Totally!

4
Doktor Zymm

I was wondering if NFL players ever get imposter syndrome, and I bet they do but it is SUPER team specific

0
LemonJello

Well, I guess we’ll see if Zeke ate all his lead paint chips tonight.

0
WCS

That’s a given. Whether that kicks in in time is the question.

2
King Hippo

6-2 should save me from relegation, regardless of how hard I crash into the regression wall. And I don’t even DRANK NO VODKA.

1
Doktor Zymm

Good show, your team did well and mine not quite as well

1
Doktor Zymm

“someone that Dok gave a fiver to outside the local Target”
He seemed like a nice dude and I didn’t need any help carrying my box wine and frozen pizza to the car, so I figured a job playing with the Niners was next best

7
WCS

Peak Bearsenscheisse

5
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

The funny thing is if the roles were reversed and the exact same thing happened I bet the Bears receiver would have dropped it.

5
Col. Duke LaCross

It’s pretty much why Darnell Mooney is a Falcon now.

2
BrettFavresColonoscopy

Don’t worry, most of Bears fandom is complaining about the Commies holding on that play

3
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

It’s the trade-off for them never calling pass interference.

1
Mr. Ayo

It’s national TE day. So naturally, I only need 7 points from TE extraordinaire George Fucking Kittle to defeat the despicable Spam and he’s not going to do that.

Hippo, you can send over that $75 dollars for participating in this stupid league ASAP.

3
King Hippo

you KNOW you love it, deep down in your black, Bastard Man soul.

2
Mr. Ayo

Guess who has zero receptions, zero yards, zero targets, zero TDs, and zero points?

ME! And Kittle. Asshat!

2
King Hippo

this is why we need deeper rosters!

0
King Hippo

(also I was against Dingleberry AND Otton, ain’t even checked my score)

1
Mr. Ayo

Yeah, don’t bother. They have the highest score this week.

0
Doktor Zymm

I mean, if the scheme is sucking a whole bunch and not scoring a lot then it is true that Henry is nawt a fit

0
Redshirt

I heard the Hail Mary on Commie Radio. It was beautiful, delirious, incoherent happiness.

5
Doktor Zymm

Full of grace!

1
Gumbygirl

Blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus. I love how they felt they had to specify which fruit. Like she had a whole bunch of bananas in there!

1
yeah right

I used to wear Fruit of the Womb undies but they had a tendency to ride up a bit.

2
ThePirateSloth

Gah, gotdamn Blazers game got my favorite food cart pod full of people, no tacos for me. I got Wendy’s instead.

Whole damn day has been a disappointment. Time to eat my edible, fuck off the rest of this evening, and hope the Cowboys/Niners end in a tie.

3
Unsurprised

What pod?

0
ThePirateSloth

Cartside. On Williams just north of Broadway, past the I-5 entrance. There’s a fantastic taco truck there I’ve been going to for the last 4 years since it’s 2 mins from my house.

The last 2 years or so, the owners of the pod have been upgrading the bar and seating, to position the place as a “stop here to get food/drinks before the Blazers game OR come here to watch the Blazers game”. It’s been cool to watch grow, I just have to remember when Blazers home games are now, because it can get packed.

2
Doktor Zymm

Pod people serving tacos. Won’t end well I’m sure

3
ThePirateSloth

https://www.cartsidepdx.com/

2
ThePirateSloth

Um, that was supposed to be the website link, not just a suspicious looking HOME. But it is indeed, the website.

1
LemonJello

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3
Mr. Ayo

This would have been nice to know when I was caught in stopped traffic heading north there because some dipshit had an accident last week.

And also two days prior when another dipshit crashed and caught me in stopped traffic heading south in the same fucking area.

3
Gumbygirl

Is the shawarma truck good?

2
ThePirateSloth

Very. I totally recommend it.

1
Unsurprised

Evergreen “Fuck the Cowboys!”

1
Doktor Zymm

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5
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

No thanks. After four years of D.A. Llassucks’ soft-on-crime policies, it’s time for a change. That’s why I’ll be voting for Teddy Llasmavericks for D.A.

1
Mr. Ayo

I understand that this was a quicky, but Aiyuk is not a Purdy weapon what with his several torn knee ligaments and the downfall of my math hard fantasy team.

You’re welcome, Spam.

5
Spur

You bet your sweet ass I’ve been hate drinking all afternoon. Let’s get this Dallas beating over with early please.

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