Hello there fellow DFO’er. Hope you’re well today. And thanks for coming back to see last weeks tl;dr of last week as decided by my brain. There’s no reason as to why some comments make it and others don’t. Seriously. There isn’t.
This weeks cheesy motivational quote is:
All sins tend to be addictive. And the terminal point of addiction is damnation [in bed].
W.H. Auden
Hi I’m GTD and I like naps, me, trying to let you all make the other jokes about this one.
As a reminder, Sunday comments stand alone and Monday comments will go on the next week’s post.
Note that during the offseason, I’ll probably look at the Sunday posts.
Without further ado, here are the comments of the week.
Grazie tante Hippo Sir. We need to check in on those ’72 Fins. Do they still pop champagne or is it strictly Geritol now a daze?
2Pack
That ad for ‘Landman’ reminded me of a joke. Bear with me.
Tony owns an oil well. He’s got all his money invested in it, and if it busts he’s screwed. Fortunately for him, it’s a gusher. Unfortunately for him, it goes up in flames two days after the gusher.
Tony frantically looks for someone who puts put oil well fires. Red Adair is the best, but it’s $200,000 to even get Red to pick up the phone. Tony doesn’t have $20,000, let alone $200,000. Looking further he finds ‘Pedro’s Budget Oil Firemen.’ $10,000, they’ll fight any fire. Tony calls Pedro, describes his situation, Pedro says “we’re on the way.”
Tony drives out to the well-site, meets Pedro. They’re discussing the scene, Tony hears a roar behind the hills and Pedro says, “Oh, here come my guys!”
Over the hill comes 5 Mexicans in a beat up pick-up. As Tommy watches, horror-struck, the truck goes right by he and Pedro, right through the fence around the rig, and right into the fire. The Mexicans jump out of the truck and start throwing everything they’ve got at the fire. They’re stomping out flames, they’re pouring water out of plastic bottles on it, hell they’re pissing on it!
Finally, the fire is out. The Mexicans come staggering out of the rig, covered in ash and looking like ghosts. Tony writes out the check right there and then. As he hands it to Pedro he says “That was the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen. Tell me, what are you going to do with the money.”
Pedro replies “The first thing I’m going to do is fix the brakes on that fucking truck!”
Horatio Cornblower
Not the best day, but watching the Cowfolk get their butts kicked will never lose its charm
Doktor Zymm
woo DrawPlayDave liked my comment on BlueSky because I complimented the detailed corn he drew in the log of shit he drew, gonna go think about my impact on the world for a bit
SonOfSpam
Umm… did Cooper Rush piss in the cereal of the linemen today?
WCS
His brother Color makes stupid uniforms.
SonOfSpam
OK, this is pretty hilarious
https://twitter.com/awfulannouncing/status/1858677215585554792
Horatio Cornblower
Ha, Jerrah’s Shithole is falling apart. Good.
Gumbygirl
He’s the next Dan Snyder
Game Time Decision
Here and Now Dan Snyder
Spur
He was here before Snyder, and after. In the grim, dark present, there is only Jerrah.
Unsurprised
I can’t believe I’m anticipating listening to Peyton Goddamn Fucking Manning.
Then again, I’d rather listen to the death rattle of my only child than to Troy and Joe.
Unsurprised
I would pay good money for an uncensored audio stream of Rex and Rob Ryan watching the game while killing a bottle of Jim Beam and talking shit about everyone.
BeefReeferLives
If that stupid fucking caricature of Italian Americans -Sean Stellato – is anywhere in the spotlight, I’m going hunting. Also, who fucking names an Italian kid “Sean”? That’s a fucking Irish name.
jjfozz
It’sa making me so mad, I’ma spill my pasta FAZOOL all over my wifebeater-a
SonOfSpam
WHY DID YOU SPILL YOUR FUCKING FOOD? YOU KNOW YOUR MOTHER HAS BEEN COOKING ALL GODDAMN DAY? YOU SEE HER CRYING? YOU’RE BREAKING HER FUCKING HEART!
jjfozz
42 years ago today [November 19] I married the love of my life. Guys, go right now and tell your wives/ partners how much you love them.
Gumbygirl
THIS GUY RIKKI-TIKKI-DEADLY I CALL HIM PIGPEN FROM THE PEANUTS BECAUSE HE IS APPARENTLY SURROUNDED BY A GIANT CLOUD OF DUST AND DEBRIS AND MUST BE FOLLOWED AROUND THE HOUSE WITH A GODDAMNED VACUUM NO MATTER WHERE HE GOES.
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Don T
NFC South
Gumbygirl
AFC South
LemonJello
Got to raise a glass my friends.
The mother of one of my best friends passed away on Friday.
She was a good soul.
My favorite story was I took her on her first hike. Around Big Bear.
Nice hike.
The next year she was teaching a hiking course at the local community college.
One of the draws to the course was that it involved a lot of inexperienced hikers taking their first hike and she recruited me to be the sherpa.
I gladly volunteered.
I was tripping BALLS!
Still got them to the trail head. Still dropped knowledge and still got them back to their cars to drive home.
Daniel fucking Boone ain’t got nothing on me!
God speed Jan Kelly. You were a good person and raised a good family.
You’re missed already.
Slainte!
yeah right
I thought it was impossible to want a Peloton any less than I already do, but that commercial with the Watts has repelled me even further
Doktor Zymm
Into active dislike or grouchy antipathy?
ArmedandHammered
The amount you would have
Doktor Zymm
Just saw the Cowboys are +100000 to win the Super Bowl.
Brb, gonna go set $10 on fire.
Horatio Cornblower
I mean if you wanna waste $10, you can send it to me and I can find some questionable booze to drink and write about
Sharkbait
I mean if Horatio is just handing out $10 for no good reason, I’ll take a tenner.
ballsofsteelandfury
Oh trust me, I will be putting that $10 to much better use. Giving it to my dog and sending him into the grocery store just to see what happens, for instance.
Horatio Cornblower
You put Lowratio on top of the dog, they come back with more money.
ballsofsteelandfury
/ Doing his best Tommy Chong impression
Ohh Wow Man…
2Pack
Bengals’ bye week lot was almost empty except for…Joe Burrow’s car
The Bengals do not deserve Joe Burrow.
Redshirt
Plot twist: his car was there because of a dead battery! Joe was nowhere near the facility, for his own health and sanity.
LemonJello
“blax, why you going to Hawaii?”
“Because we’re already 51st in education and the headline story of the day, about the State School Superintendent preparing to fight the US Department of Education, has a typo.”
blaxabbath
If I weren’t banned on there, I’d go make this point in the comments.
blaxabbath
QB Daniel Jones is asked if the injury guarantee came into any conversations he had with Joe Schoen and the Giants: “That was a piece of the conversation, for sure. I wanted to play badly.”
Oh, Danny Dimes…you didn’t need to renegotiate your contract! You had the capacity to play badly all along!
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
BeefReeferLives
Oh, good. Trump is starting to choose candidates with better character than those he’s already nominated.
Redshirt
“Playing it straight,” Mike Bidwell’s sexuality aside…
LemonJello
300+ comments on a Thursday night, we’re back baby!
litre_cola
You Fucker’s making me read to find the good comments
Game Time Decision
Mr. Ayo
Turns out that EVEN IN THE SNOW the decision by the Browns to exclusively stock their QB room with sexual predators isn’t paying off
Doktor Zymm
Steelers honoring Penn State today by basically looking the other way as a credibly accused molester scores
Downfield Matriculator
Sounds like the Factory of Sadness needs some Preventive Maintenance
LemonJello
I have no doubt that were twbs still alive, he would be trying to sleep with the bartender currently serving me. And not only because she’s talking about how Starship Troopers needs prequel movies.
BrettFavresColonoscopy
How do you not have a bottle of dry vermouth on hand? I don’t have budget to support your and my bars.
BrettFavresColonoscopy
THIS GUY BRETTFAVRESCOLONOSCOPY I CALL HIM BEN SHAPIRO BECAUSE WHEN CALLED UPON TO SHOW YOU A GOOD TIME HE THINKS SOMETHING DRY WILL DO.
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
I read Robert Kraft is getting passed over for the HOF again this cycle.
Seems like not everyone thinks enough of those SB championship are clean.
blaxabbath
Really getting jerked around
SonOfSpam
Still waiting on his happy ending.
Redshirt
The HOF Committee rubs him the wrong way
SonOfSpam
Tugs the ole heartstrings, don’t it?
Gumbygirl
During Covid I made a list of all the places I have stayed/travelled to. We are all getting older so I wanted a journey trail. I have at times taken too many edibles or smoked to much weed and slowly been filling in memories from those stops.
I obviously live a different life now, but how the hell am I alive, I was a knucklehead.
litre_cola
Sexy Friday Appropriate?
Redshirt
Don T
Just a bit of snow overnight.
litre_cola
Middle Fozz has homecoming dance.
His date seems nice.
She walks into kitchen, looks at my wife and says, “Hey. Can I get a tampon?”
Wife goes to get her a tampon.
“Can you believe she asked that?”
“Well, at least she won’t get pregnant.”
I should not talk.
jjfozz
For every ridiculous product that exists, someone has to make it. Somewhere there are people who work in a factory making unsanctioned Hello Kitty vibrating nipple clamps, someone who designed them, someone who funded the whole operation
Doktor Zymm
Early Final Score!
Redshirt
Watching the Giants always reminds me of an old Gilbert Gottfried joke:
“When Rock Hudson died he didn’t have a single friend, but he had Nabors up the ass”
Buddy Cole’s Halftime Show
/estranged family member passes away
Other Estranged Family Member: “Can you help me out here, please? I’m very old-I can’t do this by myself.”
Me: [after lengthy consideration] “Ok, ok, I’ll help out.”
Wife: [shakes her head]
Other Estranged Family Member: [passive-aggressively throws as many obstacles in front of me as possible]
Wife: “Here we go again…”
Me: “You know…you know what she is? She’s an Energy Vampire!”
Wife: [laughs] “Holy Shit! That’s exactly right!”
scotchnaut
Well, I laughed and cried. I went through a box of pictures, and letters. It was emotional, but I’m glad I got them sorted. Tomorrow I’m packing Gumby’s sports memorabilia up, and putting it in storage. Keeping myself busy and getting the house ready to go on the market. I haven’t been paying much attention to football, but somehow Blax is right on my tail in FF, despite him starting two guys on their bye, and Dak Prescott! What the actual fuck?
Gumbygirl
they didnt even show one single hollywood babe in that celeb montage. fuck off nbc
fleshwound_NPG
10-1 the cameramen know which porn stars are there.
Beerguyrob
But are they Eagles fans?
ballsofsteelandfury
Kendra Lust is more of a Roger Goodell fan.
Beerguyrob
How can someone stand to be photographed with that whore! I thought Lust had better taste than that!
Redshirt
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Thanks for all the comments and funny and everything else.
Stay busy and safe out there.
NOTE banner image from here
So…..did I win?
“Yes! You win two patents!” – the USPTO
“Hooray!” – blaxabbath, before realizing this means he has to pay for two submissions
Q: Knock knock.
A: Who’s there?
Q: Disapponting Mango.
A: Disappointing Mango who?
Q: No, no, this isn’t a joke. I’m just bummed by how flavorless this mango turned out to be.
A: Oh. So…then why did you set it up as a knock-knock joke?
Q: I figured maybe I’d think of something and it would at least make one of us laugh. But I didn’t.
A: Actually, it kind of backfired because now I’m feeling a bit down too.
Q: …
A: So…can I try some of the mango?
Q: It’s pretty disappointing. I’m not sure you’d want to.
A: Don’t impose your personal perspective on me; I am my own person and can form my own opinions about things.
Q: No, no, itt’s not that, I’d just worry that you’d be insulted that I even offered, like I’m trying to unload my disappointing mangoes on you or something.
A: Well now I’m insulted that you didn’t offer.
Q: This is turning into a disaster, can we just start over?
A: [icily] Yes, let’s.
Q: Knock knock…
who’s on first?
Third base
You don’t even have a mango, do you?
I was actually growing a mango tree for a little while. Much like my hopes at the beginning of each Raiders season, it quickly withered and then died.
Disappointing Mango is a weak sauce nickname for Trump likely championed by the DNC
I thought of this yesterday that mocking his terrible lies in his style would have infuriated him to no end.
Bengals make significant change to locker room during bye week with hopes of turning season around
That oughta do it thanks very much Ray
No one thought to try this simple tweak a month ago?
Or was the delay getting Mike Brown to release the funds for a four-pack of ping pong balls?
Good God, it’s early. I feel very Boston-ish as I’m drinking a Dunkin Donuts coffee and feel a big sense of entitlement.
NAWT FACKIN’ FAY-UH. NO ONE UNUHSTAHNDS YOUAH PAIN!
Balls RN
.
No, this is.
“I showed Andy Reid this photo. Thought he might cry.”
-Peter King
Best I could find with a squirmy 1 year old on my lap
Better put it down before its parents realize you took it.
Oh, that reminds me, we have a monthly credit with Dunkin’ via our American Express card. I’m going to see if the Dr. Mrs. wants to go cash it in this morning. Thanks!
The $6 breakfast deal is pretty good!
I’ll probably just get my usual toasted coconut donut. I love those things.
You mean fighting your drunk son in public?