Hey.
Let’s just skip the pleasantries and get right to it? Is that acceptable to you?
Freezer Vodka League Week 13
What in the name of the Elder Gods is going on in this league? There are six teams sitting at 9-4 that have qualified for playoffs: Sofa Loren, We Are Spamily, AJ Hawk Tua Tagovailoa, Lowratio’s Couch Fetish, JD’s Chesterfield Dreams and Stoma Fuckers Utd are deadlocked atop the rankings this week. This is still anyone’s championship up for grabs, people!
In the Jeff Fisher Zone, Musical War Propheteers (7-6) have clinched a playoff spot and Dead Hobos (6-7) are temporarily holding on to the last playoff spot but are essentially (and appropriately given their name) in Limbo. Dead Hobos could make playoffs, miss playoffs but be safe from relegation, or could still be relegated. That’s because of the next group, playing Russian Roulette with two chambers loaded with relegation. Heinous Fuckery, Original Recipe White Claws, Big Bag of Suck, and Free Thursday Night Points are all at 5-8 and in real danger of joining Unnatural Gas (3-10) and The Schlitzstains (1-12) being sent down to Lowratio League next season while at the same time one could overtake Dead Hobos for the last playoff spot.
Here are the matchups for the last regular season week:
Lowratio League Week 13
In sole possession of the top spot we have Duke’s Chicago Waffles at 11-2. Additionally, they are the first team to clinch a playoff spot! Congratulations! Gumbygirl’s Felonious Monks control their own destiny in second place at 10-3. At 9-4 and holding the last two playoff spots this week are Rod Rust never sleeps and Bearsenschiesse Barons. Who wants those coveted promotions to Freezer Vodka League? Close behind them and still fighting for a playoff invite we have Shiba is for the People! and War and Peace with 8-5 records. But don’t count out the next two teams at 7-6; Dick’s Sweet Candy Asses and Caso do vinho FC are not eliminated from the playoffs yet, and could find themselves in the post season. Now we’ve reached the “playing for pride” part of the standings. Ambiguous Aaron Rodgers and Heather’ Horrible Hikes, at 5-8, look to finish solidly in the Jeff Fisher Zone this season. Gimli’s Groin Grabbers finds themselves a little short of their pre-season goals as they sit at 4-9. That still puts them above Sebastian’s Swag Team and The Brick Experience, both at 3-10. Last and least, we have A&H’s Used Vape Cartridge with a 2-11 record. Better luck next season?
**Point of Parliamentary Procedure Regarding Promotion/Relegation**
The bottom 4 of the regular season in TWBS (Freezer Vodka) go down. No playoffs can save you.
Semifinalists in the playoffs go up in Ligue Deux (Lowratio League). Playoffs can save you.
Until Next Time!
This might seem obscure, but I’d like for one of the lawyers on this here site to sue the NCAA on the behalf of Boise State’s Ian Johnston for knitting beanies and being penalized for it.
/Thank you in advance
If I ever run this country, giving the kiss of death to NCAA will be one of my first 10 acts.
/DOOR FLIES OPEN
Is this on?
*clears throat*
BY THE POWER VESTED IN ME AS LOWRATIO LEAGUE COMMISSIONER BY BLEERGH, DOINK, BLAPPT, SHAN’KHLOR AND THE REMAINING PANTHEON OF FOOTBALL DEITIES, I HEREBY MAKE IT KNOWN THAT THERE WILL NOW BE SIX TEAMS IN THE LOWRATIO LEAGUE PLAYOFFS THAT WILL START NEXT WEEK. TOP FOUR (SEMIFINALISTS) WILL…
*coughcoughwheezecough*
Where was I?
WILL BE PROMOTED INTO THE FREEZER VODKA LEAGUE NEXT SEASON!
/microphone feedback
/dick joke
/DOOR FLIES SHUT
Ok, so 1st/2nd are in automatically, then the winners of 3/6 and 4/5 games?
Just looking to scout for next season. No days off.
We managed a trip to Ikea without the Dr. Mrs. even once complaining that I had “ruined” the outing.
Kind of worried that I’m losing my edge. Like I’ve got the yips or something.
What is wide right of ruining a trip to Ikea?
Ikea/SHA’NKLOR cross-over is the DFO lore we didn’t know we needed until now.
First thing that came to mind
I know it’s Dutch and not Swedish.
Close enough!
So, not a great time to be the leader of a healthcare company in a country awash in anger, guns, and medical debt.
My thoughts and prayers are pending approval as being necessary.
*chef’s kiss
DRAIN THE SWAMP
Princip’s reincarnation.
Way more competent than Princip, this dude seems like a straight up assassin while Princip thought he had failed and just happened to stumble out of a bar at the right time
As with so many other things, it really would have worked out better for everyone involved if he’d just stayed put and continued drinking.
It’s more the overall message that dipshit was trying to convey. Broke, angry at everything and nothing, and possibly triggering something bigger.
On his way to meet with shareholders.
St. Pete’s gonna have to be sorry to say, “Your approval is pending.”
These demons never had souls to be judged. Straight back to Hell for this one.
Quit insulting the sinners in Hell! They’re suffering enough rather to be associated with Health Insurance Executives!
“What do you mean I could’ve appealed the claim?!”
Thoughts and Prayers Update:
Thoughts? They’re stuck in committee and likely won’t be brought to the floor for a vote.
Prayers? The NRA-mandated Lee Greenwood original tracks have been laid down but the sad violin guy that was supposed to show up died in a murder/suicide thingy with a prostitute in an Econo Lodge three blocks east.
Hey now! You don’t know this happened because he ran United Healthcare.
It may have been carried out by someone who was a victim of his fraud and insider trading schemes. He could have done that running any kind of public company!
I’m nursing a theory that he somehow pissed off the Bulgarian mafia
Oh, those guys are always pissed off about something. Mitch Trubisky would like to know more about the whole “nursing” part, though.
“Always with the [does wiggly fingers, makes sarcastic ‘Oooo’ sounds] Bulgarian mafia! What about us?”
-The Sudbury, Ontario and Outlying Regions Sewing Circle That’s Really Quiet About What We Really Do Society
AKA Scothy’s “handlers” who happen to “suggest” where a camp of “undesirables” have set up outside town.
My heart isn’t exactly bleeding with sympathy for the guy…
Would it be in poor taste to write something up where Greg Hardy and Damon Arnette do a Manningcast style breakdown of the video of the guy getting assassinated?
Did something happen at IKEA? Do you not know where you are?
It would be poor taste NOT to do so.
I would even hope for a special guest appearance by the ghost of Aaron Hernandez to provide moral guidance on the shooting.
It would be in very poor taste.
I’ll expect the first draft by the close of business tomorrow.
It’s fine for them. Americans have too much to lose to do anything. If we didn’t, things would never have gotten to this point. The only ones who don’t are easily controlled or stopped losers who can be redirected Parallax View style.
I hate that the most logical, Occam’s razor explanation for the state of things is also bog standard Alex Jones conspiracy fodder.
The long overdue Bengals Schadenfreude was unexpected and hurtful, yet accurate and cathartic.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5YdvkhObfY4
https://sports.yahoo.com/bengals-sign-kicker-evan-mcpherson-181926879.html?guccounter=1&guce_referrer=aHR0cHM6Ly93d3cuZ29vZ2xlLmNvbS8&guce_referrer_sig=AQAAAJkmP7bX54O-CkTL1ilZIM4AOy0eB9fCG5v0LW2-_4QpS1uJysIILd2zgF0_BxCUQg4CJhKuJLo1BTaYjwxf-h0M5aygz9zKbm1mMG8rHuXqVjEYtIrqgb56xJ3yv7WiTaQs0ez6X4GO1Muf8Tfq2UmqMnt9EkU_z3Widay7J4t8
Please let this be the reason for the Wide Lefts.
Do the Lowratio bottom-feeders get relegated to an even lower league?
And it kinda sucks that there’s nothing to aim for when you finish high up in the Freezer Vodka League. I guess this is how Liverpool feels.
A third league would give us the ability to make a fourth “Champions” league.
Nothing to aim for?
There’s a championship to be won!
Yeah, man you go right ahead, Im’a gonna finish off another vape and just forget the rest of the season.
And some shitty vodka and a Big Turk!
“Shitty Vodka & Big Turk” isn’t the worst rap-duo name.
Because I wasn’t paying attention (probable) or I am just an idiot (highly probable) there are only 4 playoff spots in Lowratio League.
If I can change it to 8, would the League members be for or against at this late juncture?
Just checked, I CAN change it, to 6 or 8. Lowratio League teams, let me know what you prefer.
Same rules both leagues?
Makes sense.
I’m convinced that whatever you decide, I will end up knocked out in embarrassing fashion. So do, or don’t do.
One more game to lose?
Sure, what the hell.
No call here, but 6 seems fitting so top 2 still get auto-promotion.
Or we can have potential chaos and say 8.
As someone with no stake, I vote for chaos
This is closer to EPL style promotion so this is good.
This is why you’re my favorite, Senor! Don’t tell the others
The more the merrier! he says as he goes into the latest bye-week hell ever
My QB who has carried my ass the entire season is on bye so I hear you
Wait, there are STILL teams that haven’t had a bye yet this season?
Yup. And some good ones too!
I had to pick up two running backs, because both of mine are on their bye.
And the Pickens were Slim
Six to be exact
On Monday I crowed sbout going 3-0 in FF last week. Oh no! No no no. I lost by less than two points after Josh Allen was awarded 13 TDs on one play.
tl dr Bah humbug 🖕🏼
I get the last sentence, but not the first one.
-Brocky, being smote by the fantasy football gods
Good news for Sharky, I’m probably not going to bother starting a QB this week since half my team is on bye. I did set the rest of my lineup to be sporting, starting 4 players on bye seemed a bit much
Your sacrifice is noted, and appreciated.
How fun, my Groin Grabbers are leading the league in points against!
All it took to almost, maybe, possibly getting out of relegation was stripping the waiver wire bare and cobbling together a four game win streak.
So much intrigue this week! Who will go down? Who will stay up?
Hippo is getting a preview of Everton in April…
Keeping last nights questions thread alive, what “acting neighbors” were you talking about? The foxy Italian actress from Station 19? We’ve only seen her the once this year but I do now know which house she lives in (doesn’t seem that nice) and what car she drives (quite nice).
Your acting neighbors come and go so fast it’s hard to keep track of them.
However, any updates on any foxy neighbors are greatly appreciated.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jofNR_WkoCE