Whew, Uncle Teddy is back. I know y’all missed his handsome mug.
JV fixtures were all bad, and the NFL proper slate looked…less than promising. Oddly, Black Panthers/Qards was maybe the most competitive (while still resembling professional FITBAW) early matchup. As Balding Spiritually noted, Charlotte’s finest led 20-3 and 30-20, and gakked up each lead. Chad Ryland nailed a 58-yarder at the gun to send us to Extra Time at 30-30. Panthers did nothing on offense, but their punt was great. Arizona boldly went for it on 4th and 2 from their OWN 18, made it…and then lost 16 yards the remainder of the possession. One handoff to Chuba Hubbard, into easy FG range. Second handoff to Hubbard, he walks in for 6. 36-30, Qards bounced from playoff contention.
Iggles/Commies looked like a laugher early – Saquon went for 100+ and 2 TDs…in the first fucking quarter. But ruh roh, Hurts got a head owie, in comes Uncle Jack. And oh man, did he ever Uncle Jack all over the pitch. For some reason (ok, because he’s stupid) Sirianni didn’t put a shock collar and demand that he protect the ball and handoff every play. But the Commies had blips of their own, turning the ball over FIVE times. #5 gave Philly the ball with a 2-point lead. 3rd and 5, a first down basically ends the game…and Slim Reaper drops it. WIDE fucking open. FG is good, but Daniels has 2 minutes and a timeout to play with. It was just enough, scoring the winning octopus with 6 seconds on the clock. 36-33, Washington – and 12-3 Iggles have NOT clinched quite yet (I think).
People thought the Fuck LioUns might be mad after last week. They…uh, were. Not much of a professional effort by the home Bearistocrats!, but even so, the play where Baby Buster fakes a snap problem to hit LaPorta for the dagger shot TD? Funny as fuck. Opponent doesn’t want to earn your respect? Don’t show ’em any. And they didn’t, winning 34-17. The 1 seed almost surely is coming out of the NFC North, but DET has work to do to sew up said division. 13-2 is a good start, though.
Battle for Ohio, mark 2. A tale of two cities (shitties?) – Believeland starts on offense, Jerome Ford takes off for a 66-yard gain. He would get a grand total of TWO more carries the rest of the half. From the 1, #ThePauls handed off twice to backup D’Onta Foreman, and on attempt two, he got Peanut punched. WKRP takes over, goes 99 yards for a TD. It would have been enough points to win, but they got a few more (even a late garbage time deep ball to Chase), winning 24-6. Bengals have the faintest of pulses for the 7 seed. At least they’ll be alive for Saturday’s trip to Donksville.
In the first 31 minutes of play, Horse Cock Lock threw THREE touchdowns. That’s the good news. Bad news is, two went to Falcon defenders. Penix didn’t have to do much (and really didn’t), but kept enough of a raging semi to run off the last 34 points of the game, 34-7 win for the home side. Sherman’s Ashes march on, alive for playoffs (remember they win any MRSA-based tiebreaker). Don’t feel too bad for Lock, he’ll still retire with 8-figures, and best known for having a comically large pecker. There are…worse life arcs than that.
Matching the Vertically Enhanced Persons’ professionalism? DonT’s once-magnificent Tits. They also scored the opening TD, but then let the Fat Humps break off 38 in a row. Unlike Daboll’s crew, Tennessee got garbage time-frisky, with 3 late scores (including two octopi). Sadly for their handful of supporters, they couldn’t get the subsequent defensive stop they needed, and lose 38-30. Humps still theoretically alive, but not really.
I almost forgot Jest/RRRRRRRRRRRAM IT!!, and really – the less said, the better. Jersey B really brought the Benny Hill-style yuk-yuks for the home folks, though. LA finally squeezed out a late TD to take a 16-9 lead, and put things to bed 19-9. Jest’ last touch was a fair catch muff on a Rams under-2:00 punt. Woody Johnson has the squadron he truly deserves.
Four games late, only Vikes/Truthers of any consequence or remote interest. Very back and forth, until a magnificent/brave toss from Darnold, caught in ridiculously smooth fashion by Justin Jefferson, put Minny up for good, 27-24. Truthers would miss a 60-yard FG attempt, get the ball back with 55 seconds – followed by false start then pickerception. 27-24, it stays. SKOL join the LioUns at 13-2. And yes, they play head-to-head in Week 18. Hopefully, flexed to SNF.
Well, I said it was a nothing slate…but the P*ts somehow ran out to a 14-nil lead in WNY. What the fuck, Bills Mafia? It remained 14-7 at the half. But sadly for Chefs fans (hoping to clinch the 1 seed in the AFC, despite being MAYBE the 6th-best squadron in the NFL), the 2nd half happened. Nothing fabulous from the offense (other than James Cook), but a dumb lateral recovered in the end zone ended the competitive portion of the game at 24-14, Bills. New England managed a TD inside of 2:00 (after like 10 plays inside the red zone) to close things to 24-21, where it stayed. Brokeback seemed to be shaking off an owie to his throwing hand. I’m sure that will be the talk of the coming week.
Jaguras and Raiders absolutely, positively completed their contractual obligations to play a game. Vegas gimps out a win, hurts their draft positioning, 19-14.
CBS sent its #1 crew to Miami for LOLfins/Tomsulas. Both at 6-8, Tomsulas having been mathematically eliminated due to early results. No clue how Miami could make the dance, but apparently they have a triple-bank shot scenario. Tua and palz hit the first part of the parlay, winning a boring 29-17 game over the Ded Tomsulas. So many LOLfin placements.
Fact that pleases only me – there were 3/3 punt fake successes on the day (that I saw/noticed – AZ, NE, SEA) – and EACH AND EVERY ONE resulted in a punt anyway, 3 plays later. Symbolic of the futility of man’s struggle in this world.
Not a goddamned chance in Hades that I stay up for Cowpersons (also eliminated by early window results) and MRSA Men. Zero. Fucks. Given.
Enjoy the remainder of your Festivus. Make sure to complain extra if’n you’s working today.
I’m so fucked in the LDB challenge. I’m at Snoopy on ice and there’s 30 minutes before showtime.
Been lucky so far today.
For berries?
THIS GUY BLAXABBATH I CALL HIM TUANIGAMNAUOLEPOLA DONNY TAGAVAILOA BECAUSE HE’S GOT THE ALOHA SPIRIT POURING OUT OF HIS HEART AND HIS EARS!!!
The Famous Idaho Potato Bowl is actually competitive because the world is fucking with me. Again.
they got me doing Twiced Baked Stuffed Potatoes for christmas dinner
Bastards! Delicious Bastards!
Balls today:
Aloha.
Man, Tucson sure has changed. Climate change is real.
It’s a CYCLE!
Just own property everywhere and then, as my butler said my first mother may have said, you’ll never have to worry about being homeless.
/life in northern Ontario (reminder-we’re on a lake)
Me: “Son of a bitch!* Our water line has frozen!”
Wifey: “We’ll have to switch to the well.”
Me: “And we’ll have to find some straw to insulate the waterline near the shore.”
Wifey: “We are screwed if the weather doesn’t turn!”
Me: [checks weather site] “It’s supposed to rain next weekend.”
Both Of Us: “WTF??!!”
*there was much more cursing
scotchie’s lakeside wood chipper:
https://ibb.co/PgT81Jw
Buscemi has remarked that several fans have told him, “Your scene in the woodchipper was so funny!”
The sock. That makes it funny.
And the body-shredding.
Buscemi has been in seven Coen Bros. films and is killed in three of them. In each of those three films his remains get progressively smaller. In Miller’s Crossing we see his whole body, in Fargo it’s just his foot, and in The Big Lebowski he’s down to ashes in a Folgers coffee can (presumably from Ralphs).
Is there any descending logic regarding his body in the movies where he is not killed?
I think he’s actually a ghost in the other ones.
The pants you’re not wearing? They’re on fire.
Chet in Barton Fink? Ghost.
Beatnik bartender in Hudsucker Proxy? Ghost.
That’s just two movies…You conveniently forgot about Raising Arizona.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5UXnulANF8g&pp=ygUlZHJlYW0gYWNhZGVteSBsaWZlIGluIGEgbm9ydGhlcm4gdG93bg%3D%3D
Updated lyrics:
“Scotchy’s water pipes froze
So he stabbed a couple hobos
And the blood ran down, and warmed the children”
How does this straw insulation technique work? Especially after the freeze is in place?
Balls In Charge Update:
I’m consumed with power. So far today, I’ve:
1) Told someone that I didn’t give a shit what the director said, do the right thing.
B) Went to Taco Bell and the post office for at least an hour
&) Signed a shitload of requisitions. Christmas has come early!
havent seen a Ball on this roll like this since Raiders of the Lost Ark
Taco Bell for an hour? You are most certainly going to give a shit soon.
You have clearly gone mad with power, I hope your crazy laughter is up to spec
Signed a shitload of requisitions
“A shitload? Two days before Christmas? This is bullshit, we have families we want to be with!”
-some of the guys down at Requisitions R Us
They’re not our families, but they’re somebody’s!
Maybe
So get this, turns out my car doesn’t have a timing belt, it has a timing chain that automatically gets serviced when the oil is changed! Still getting a full service with new spark plugs and fluid changes, so not super low cost, but less than I was planning and my car will be happy going into the New Year.
Such a good little car 🙂
Some have an adjuster that takes up slack in the chain.
Timing Chain > Timing Belt
Silver Bullet next?
Why yes
Let’s
I’m at work, but sure why not?
Well we can safely rule out yeah right as a vampire. That is unless, of course, he is some kind of….
…..
…
…
Day Walker.
Anyone see this on SNL?
Nice tribute, and still the best Xmas song.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FAUN6SyqPrA
We’ve reached the Dyanne Thorne portion of Bad Movies Day. And no, not the Ilsa series-I’ve done Point of Terror and now it’s Blood Sabbath.
I wish I had some bad movies to suggest but can’t think of any
I’m assuming you’ve all watched the entire Andy Sidaris collection?
for a minute there read as Amy Sedaris and got a bit confused
“Shae Marks And Her Remarkable Balloons” is a star in two of his movies and a Vaudeville act in the 1920’s.
She’s remarkable. Her surgeon even more so.
This is easily the worst movie I have ever seen, and I’ve seen The Room (2003) in a packed theater. Car Crash (1981) is an Italian grade “Z” movie starring the force of acting that is Joey Travolta, who along with Frank Stallone is the Billy Carter of cinema. I saw this on a submarine patrol; despite carrying nuclear death with a 4000 nautical mile range, we were very active cinéastes, with two movie calls per day on the mess decks on 16mm film (we had VHS in the lounge below in Ops Lower Level), even with anamorphic wide screen lenses when needed. The mid-watch movie call at 0200 was the best, because the night baker was making cinnamon rolls in the galley just behind the pulldown movie screen and we could eat them right out of the oven.
This movie is so fucking bad I think we watched it like ten times. It was a crew favorite, rivaled only by Season Three of Voyage to the Bottom of the Sea, particularly the episode where the Seaview submarine gets invaded by magic leprechauns while submerged on patrol, which is exactly what happened to us in real life that one time. Watching a TV episode about leprechauns attacking a nuclear submarine while you’re actually aboard a nuclear submarine that has actually been attacked by leprechauns is extremely meta, or something like that. Anyways go watch Car Crash.
https://ibb.co/J5BN0LP
Given the demographics down on South Broad Street, I am thinking it ain’t the Luftwaffe but rather the Aviazione Cobelligerante Italiana (Italian Co-Belligerent Air Force, just perfect!). Their symbol . . . basically a target!
A target, just like the French Air Force and the RAF.
Lazio acts oblivious…
I am done at work for the week. All the shopping done. Really looking forward to doing nothing but whatever I feel like until next Monday. Life’s been good to me so far.
I’m excited to hear about what gun charges are like.
Oh, come on! It’s actually sunny out today!
We have sun and temps in the 50’s for Christmas. Wifey is mad, she wants snow or at least fog, but I am cool with this.
It’s almost seventy degrees here today and the sun is out, more or less. I’m going swimming.
We’re getting 10-15 cm of snow today, come take all you want
I’m looking forward to typical winter weather in the Nation’s Capital on Christmas Eve: Too far south to get nice snow, too far north to get balmy weather.
D.C. is going to get freezing rain.
Good times. When I moved to Oregon it took me about six months to realize it has the same weather as D.C. for similar reasons.
No wonder everyone in D.C. is a miserable piece of crap.
Yeah, but the miserable pieces of crap are all from somewhere else. Us born & raised natives (who are not as common as transients) are usually pretty awesome.
What’s considered balmy?
Week 18, Lions and Vikings. This is going to be some Peak Byzantium shit in the ol’ hippodrome. And as luck would have it, the Lions look like they’ve just barely survived the Plague of Justinian.
Anyway, I’m sure the Shield will figure some way to fuck everything up and not give us anything good like a Lions-Bills Super Bowl or a Bengals defense because we can’t ever have anything nice.
Speaking of JV, while I don’t really care for the Ducks or not, I hate tOSU. So I do hope Phil Knight’s Waterfowl steamrolls NUMBER EIGHT ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!?! Ohio State out of spite and because a #8 doesn’t deserve to even have the opportunity to get whipped like a republican rent boy.
Some quality hate right here
Lofty hate
Normally I’d let Redshirt handle this, but seriously? Fuck Phil Knight and his fugly uniforms shenanigans and his ridiculous quackery and actual funder of the rent for Republican rent boys. Charred Duck, anyone?
/acknowledges Ryan Day and Chip Kelly are not at all likable and both may well clench back up and the Ducks will tar and feather the Buckeyes.
//but still, fuck Phil Knight with the rolled up tin from the roofs of the Malaysian children stitching his shoes
Speaking of Ducks-I bought some on sale from one of my protein dudes and will cook them off soon.
Son: “What are we going to do with a cooked duck? They’re too small to feed all of us.”
Me: “I’m going to use the fat and roast a shit ton of potatoes in it.”
Son: [beginning to see the light] “Ohhhhh…”
Made it to Knotts!
First up, Ghostrider!
Start the day with a rattling old woody.
I do that every day
Rattling? You might want to get that looked at
A
“Fine idea!” – ballsofsteelandfury, belting up his trenchcoat and heading for a local pilates studio
Eh, a couple of slaps and it’s fine…
That was really stupid fun.
Goddamn.
I’ve ridden that once…line wait was about 2 hours, so I hated it. But also, it definitely rattled like a mofo.
Rattled like a mofo is also likely to be an accurate prediction of the Saints QB play this evening.
Does The Nic Cage Experience cost extra?
Working today, but
1) Not very intensely
2) Bowl games are on
3) Sext Congressional Ethics Report is out
I’m trying to get work done, but I’m only human
If I’m not even trying to get work done, does that make me an ubermensch?
That’s just the holiday spirit!
Yes
Drew Lock vs Nick Foles vs Milton Berle. WHO YA GOT?
Uncle Milty (goes deep according to legend)
Might be a reach
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aAOULUkxL8c
BAH GAWD THAT’S WILLEM DAFOE’S MUSIC!
“Too big because everybody got very confused when they saw it.”
The second half of the night game was the first time in my entire life that I actually enjoyed seeing the Cowpeople win. The entire NFC East (with the exception of the Giants, who I must have seen on Red Zone but have blocked from my memory) was just really entertaining this weekend. Quirky, eventful, unpredictable football.
The LioUns are way too entertaining and loveable, since murdering most of their defense isn’t working I shudder to think what the Shield has in store for them to ensure they don’t win an Owl. Maybe their plane will crash into the Bills plane.
I’m thinking we might get a Minn/KC Owl, the Eagles have been too fun to watch. With the exception of Jefferson, the Vikings are pretty bland viewing for everyone except Yeah Right
I’d like to see a GB-Buf owl so that translates to… Never happen…
I need eighty bajillion stops and sacks and turnovers by the Packers offense to beat Maestro in Freezer Vodka semis. I’d gather a no there.
Hippo finally checked Maths Is Hard homepage, and thanks to my QB (Bryce Young) vastly outscoring the commish’s (some shitheel named Josh Allen), I make the finals if I dodge a big game from Josh Jacobs tonight.
Will keep nose in a book so I don’t die from the stress. The hope is what kills you.
Thanks to a glorious 10 game losing streak the Giants sit atop the 2025 draft mountain. Well done, Shoen and Daboll!
Trade it to get back Jones!
Shedur Sanders it is!
I’ll have to admit I may have thought some or all of the following during the Cards/Black Panther OT game yesterday
don’t forget the FREE HUEY!!!
Speaking of The Program, let’s take a moment to honor Andrew Bryniarski.
He was the pratfall CIA goon Butterfingers in Hudson Hawk.
He did a great Christopher Walken impression throughout Batman Returns as Chip Schreck.
He was Zangief in the silly Street Fighter movie.
He basically played Lattimer (from The Program) times in the 90s, in The Program, Necessary Roughness, Higher Learning, and Any Given Sunday.
He was Leatherface in the Michael Bay-produced Texas Chainsaw Massacre remake.
Oh whoever was hoping for the Cowboys to win got their relief.
The NFL never fails to deliver on EnTeRtAiNM3Nt.
Kudos to both teams, they were hitting each other like it was the 70s, they’re not getting paid and to the victor goes whatever coke was left in Jerrah’s suite.
To be fair, that’s likely a LOT of coke.
My latest taek on people not being into the holidays this year, like no one boarding our flight has anything Hawaiian on. Real low energy. Which, I get it is 6a but this looks like a flight boarding to like Bakersfield.
That’s crazy that nine different guys and three women on your flight are carrying duffel bags overstuffed with packages of Sudafed.
You take a bus to Bakersfield, not a plane.
Still cheaper than the train to Seattle, though.
I’m glad that joke hooked. I had a hard time thinking of a warmish western city that isn’t nice with no snow now.
And Tucson is too geographically close to Phoenix.
I think it’s Bad Movie Day today. I just finished Sizzle Beach. (Kevin Costner’s first role-once he got famous he tried to buy the rights to the film so that it couldn’t be shown ever again)
Next up is Beach Volleyball Detectives! (notice a theme?)
Did he get them? I mean, how much can rights to a bad film cost?
He tried to buy them but Troma Entertainment (a “B” movie production company) turned him down.
He should have bought Troma
He will get the rights to the Toxic Avenger series from my cold, dead hands.
My sister in law is a retired federal agent with the EPA. We always called her the Toxic Avenger!
Troma is Grade “Z” and proud of it.
Lloyd Kaufman still kicking around, They just made a new Toxic Avenger with Peter Dinklage and Macon Blair that is somehow still trashy enough to unable to find a distributor
The man’s still got it!
The gate next to us says it’s 55 degrees in San Francisco. That’s sounds like a nice Christmas city.
It’s raining, so festive!
I am not only working today, because everyone else took the day off, I’m in charge of the whole branch.
That was a mistake.
– RFK Jr, January 21, 2025
To be fair, the FDA seems to have finally found its balls since he was announced for HHS secretary
3 fake punt successes… ya think they all got the memo?
Thanks for the poignant observations Hippo… I owe you sum shoulder pics…
Lemme help ya…
I was waiting for Hippo to provoke me but since you have pony’ed up with the eye candy… let me simply add…
For the second time this season, I bailed on a TEN game during the 2nd QRT. First time Will Levis was the QB, Mason Rudolph yesterday. Even in hissy fits, I’m so fucking fair and balanced!
Vols excluded, I hope.