OK, so admittedly my timing isn’t the best on this one. Last Monday, as I justifiably celebrated with a few beers with my father and brother at The Harp in romantic Willimantic, CT
was St. Patrick’s Day. While I was coming back from those beers, (2-3 Guinness, and yes, I did make sure that my first drink of each pint split the G in the glass), I had the radio tuned to the local sports radio station where they were drafting, wait for it, Patricks.
“Fuck!” I yelled to myself in the car “Why didn’t I think of that!?”
“Because you’re a moron” said the leprechaun sitting next to me.
Which was rude, but also accurate.
Now, I could wait 6-7 years for St. Patrick’s Day to roll around on a Monday again but let’s face it, we probably don’t have 6-7 years before this planet more closely resembles the surface of Venus than it does the slightly habitable place we call home right now. So we’re running that topic this week.
This week you draft Patricks. In order to make this as woke as possible, you may also draft Patricias, should you so choose. The only restriction is the name; your Patrick/Patricia can come from any walk of life and you are not drafting them for any particular purpose. They don’t have to be real, either. A fictional Patrick, (or Patricia!), is just as acceptable as a non-fictional Patricia, (or Patrick!). Once your Patrick/Patricia is drafted they are off the board; if you take an actor/actress/author with that name no one else can later take them for another role or book or other work. The individual is what matters here, not what they did.
With the first pick I will use a phrase I undoubtedly will have used many times while watching Florida beat whole-sale ass on the Fightin’ Horatios (Netball Division) on Sunday
(that’s right, I’m getting this done Saturday! How’s that for efficiency!?)
“pain don’t hurt” and taking the one, the only, the late, the lamented, Patrick Swayze.
Nobody puts Horatio in a corner, nor does anyone keep him from posting a draft topic that would have made sense a week ago.
The rest of you are on the clock
Running out of ideas, so this one’s a reach that depends on the commissioner trusting that I’m not bluffing about my possession of a digitized archive of his home movie collection and my willingness to upload it to his workplace and deciding not rescind this pick on some kind of technicality.
5. Eliza Patricia Dushku
Like I’m ever going to disallow Eliza Dushku.
I’m not drafting her, but apparently Pat Nixon really liked cottage cheese
Unlike Nancy Reagan, who really liked popsicles.
My third round steal, the drunkest First Lady
That’s Pat Nixon, for all you young’ns.
Patrick Henry
Jeers to Patsy Ramsey, who either murdered her 6 year old daughter, or knew who did.
For my 4th pick, I’m turning the reins over to someone who knows Patricks better than anyone else in the country:
WITH THE FAWTH FACKIN’ PICK IN THE PATRICK DRAFT I HEAHBY SELECT PATRICK FACKIN’ SANDOVAL OF THE RED SAWKS. NOW THAT HE’S MOVED ON FROM THOSE “IT’S BETTAH TO HAVE LOVED AND LOST A FACKIN’ [redacted slur for a person of Asian descent] THAN TO HAVE NEVER LOVED AT AWL” ANGELS AND GAWT SOME DEFENSE BEHIND HIM AND SOME FACKIN’ RUN SUPPAHT HE’S GAWNA TEAR UP THE FACKIN’ LEAGUE LIKE YOU’VE NEVAH FACKIN’ SEEN!
This is one time Tawwmy may be onto something
-spoiler alert, he’s not.
*nawt
Daniel Patrick Moynihan
https://www.nytimes.com/2018/10/11/opinion/sunday/daniel-patrick-moynihan.html
Don’t want to promote Opie and Anthony, but the Pat O’Brien voicemails to “Betsy” amused me to no end about 17 years ago or whenever.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EQrVLegRc4I&pp=ygUQcGF0IG9icmllbiBiZXRzedIHCQlPCQGHKiGM7w%3D%3D
This blog is what got me into blogging, which eventually led to KSK, which eventually led to this draft. It’s truly cosmic.
https://stuckinrehabwithpatobrien.blogspot.com/
Also that blog is some of the funniest stuff you’ll ever read. Hasn’t been active since 2008, which is sort of sad. it also featured Whitney and Bobby Brown, which is also sad.
This is superb.
I’m old enough to remember this
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=07pylVHfRBI
Just know Patrick Roy was a boss when I faced the most difficult goalies in EA Sports NHLPA ’93 or EA Sports NHL ’94 on Sega Gensis.
I legit can’t seem to think of another patrick
If only there were some way to do a quick search for ‘famous patricks.’
If only.
I tried Google, none of the remaining ones are worth drafting
2nd pick: Pat Boone
Metal Pat Boone is the greatest Pat Boone!
Self portrait 03.24.25
https://ibb.co/dsnN2rsP
I need you to clarify if you’re dying or drafting Neil Patrick Harris of ‘Doogie Howser’ fame
Are you drug-seeking in the Emergency Room again ?
Never a good sign when they tape that 02 monitor to your finger. Rooting for you, whatever it is.
3. Patrick Rafter. I don’t know any Australians; it might be fun to have a friend there I could vist and play tennis with and drink shiraz with and maybe swap wives ha ha just kidding or maybe not ha ha no, really just kidding or am I?
(Vacuuming intensifies)
I mean if we could time machine back to when Patrick Rafter was in his prime? I highly doubt the Dr. Mrs. would feel like she was getting shortchanged in any way:
Yummy!
Pat Benatar for lunchtime pick
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IGVZOLV9SPo
This is snake style right? I wait forever then get two picks back-2-back?
Patrick Roach aka ‘Smokey’.
Oh good- 23&me is going bankrupt.
Sure is a good thing people paid to stick their DNA in there. Now the board has something to sell for pennies to any private equities investor!
“Sticking the DNA In There” is the working title for Antonio Cromartie’s autobiography.
Thank heavens we’ve got those provisions in the Affordable Care Act that will prevent health insurance providers from using this information to drop customers who are sitting on genetic time bombs that would cut into profits. It makes me sleep easy at night knowing that no branch of the government will have the slightest inclination to take a chainsaw to those provisions anytime soon.
I told the wife about that, and told her our daughter should get her DNA out of there. It was a great big nothingburger to her.
My daughter had also given us 23AndMe kits for Christmas four or five years ago, but since there wasn’t anything crazy in there on my daughter’s side (says I’m 1/4 Aborigine!), I wasn’t concerned.
Alphabet and Amazon know everything about me except what’s in my DNA, so that might be my hill to die on.
It’s wait 10 picks or 30 minutes between your picks, but since America has descended into complete lawlessness with no respect for the courts it’s not like I’m going to stop you.
Smart.
You don’t want to get defunded.
A young Dan Patrick gives some height to my squad.
Worked with D.P. for 10 years, he’s a good man.
That’s a long time for DP.
That scene in requiem seemed to go on at least that long.
Or how about killer guitar player “BucketHead”
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MEDB4xJsXVo
Should I go with Crazy or Walkin’ After Midnight?
NEITHER
Here’s Patsy Cline:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HG-8uZg2uV0&pp=ygULcGF0c3kgY2xpbmU%3D
I’ll take “decent” guitar player Pat Travers.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MRNHiWJDUTk
My next pick: Patrick Sharp
BRB I’m going to go steal a time machine so I can force Jonathan Toews to change his name to Patrick
Huh. If someone was going to draft something Canadian and sharp I’d have thought it would be scotchnaut.
Pat LaFrieda. A constant supply of excellent meat? Yes please.
Lester Patrick, and while this 6-time Stanley Cup winner is putting together many of the rules for modern hockey, I’m gonna have him put in a rule that no franchises are allowed below the Mason-Dixon Line, and another that no rat-faced Cromwellians shall ever be allowed to be commissioner.
Give me Peppermint Patty, she knows what she wants and how to get it.
(I will also take the chocolate treat as a twofer if allowed)
Inanimate objects are not covered in this draft, but feel free to help yourself.
Nom nom nom
which peppermint patty are you nomming
Whynotboth.gif
My make up pick: Pat Morita!
If you all can draft women named Patricia for a draft that explicitly says Patrick, I can go with nicknames as well
That was my next pick, you sonuvabitch
The draft explicitly says you can draft women named Patricia, so there.
As for ‘Pat’ however, I will allow it.
Since I was forced to change my pick
Patrick Mahomes
And I didn’t see blaxxabath’s pick below, hold on, give me a second
Patrick or Patricia?
I cannot believe they tried to stretch that bit into a movie.
I’ve never seen it, but feel confident that my opinion that it’s horrendous is accurate.
making a killing and going with Patrick Bateman
God damn it i had this image ready to go at 10:00 am
2. Patty Bouvier. Laugh all you want but someday I am going to need to borrow money for a mortgage payment, or get something accomplished at the DMV.
The Heartbreaker (and three time Stanley Cup champ) Patrick Kane
Patty Hearst
“Now that’s a woman who’s truly Up For Whatever!” – Bud Light producers
Heard the burst, of Roland’s Thompson gun and bought it.
Marsena Patrick
https://ibb.co/39zLTJ3Z
Question for the commish: Does Lowratio object to being referred to as “the leprechaun” and shouldn’t he be in the back seat in an appropriate car seat for his size/weight?
Her full name is Eurydice Colette Clytemnestra Dido Bathsheba Rabelais *Patricia* Cocteau Stone
Character actor Pat Hingle
who was in every single action movie ever made 1968-1985
https://ibb.co/cKfM7mvm
I’m showing my age, but all the films I remember him from are from later in his career
*Maximum Overdrive
*Quick and the Dead
*and one of only two actors to be in all four Burton-Verse Batman movies (along with the guy who played alfred)
Obligatory
Sheriff Pat Garrett
https://ibb.co/gLtQmSqc
Patrick Tillman
Because of his football playing career
Good thing you kept it to that.
The Pat Tillman run is next month.
Wonder if this is the kind of Republican administration that would kill their own guy then lie about it, then criticize tithe victim’s family’s religious beliefs as the reason for them not accepting the fraudulent story that their son’s experience isn’t a motivational fable for the few honest countrymen remaining in America who are trying to find their place to give back to the nation as young men.
Ok for my next pick, I’ll take Pat Buchanan for vengeance purposes.
Oh don’t tell me that idiot is still alive
Only 8 years older than our aging king wannabe in chief
Plus for fictional version
https://youtu.be/QOLF_D7JVZM?t=223
WRONG!
1. Patrick Warburton
.My favorite Seinfeld character.
Nawt gonna draft anyone I know personally as I can just get them as undrafted free agents later on.
I’m gonna go for the Saint himself, St Patrick
Just imagine the licensing rights!
Pat Riley, just so I can get some of that sweet ‘Three-peat ®’ trademark money.
Hell yeah, showtime Lakers.
And then giving Knicks fans hope but never quite fulfilling it
Pat(rice) O’Neal
https://youtu.be/vo7XK2hKUR0?si=jhPkWa96xgKZVoZv
1st pick:
Patrick Star
That was next on my draft board, just to mess with people
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sTD6ERDUOQE
the true bain of anyone named Patrick today
Ooooh point of parliamentary inquiry — can I pick someone torture them/make sure they get what they deserve for their horribleness?
Don’t see why not, in the NFL they let the Browns draft people after all
You do not have to have a particular purpose for the draftee. Doesn’t mean you can’t have a nefarious purpose.
This is a football site first and foremost.
P Mahomes
Not pictured: Eagle eating his liver
She never won anything and went all MAGA but where was I going with this…
Not anywhere very fast, based on her career.
“You know that whole thing about fast cars and fast women? What if you could, like, combine the two?” – a very stoned Aaron Rodgers
pre-2010 this is a solid pick
post-2010 drank from the wrong grail
I’m drafting meself. Shockingly enough, my real name isn’t “WCS.”
I think you could have gotten late round value from this one, but to each their own.
I’ll take Patrick Stewart. He’s awesome and I don’t even care about star trek.
Plus his appearance on Frasier was legendary
“He drew the sword!”
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QU6W8zJvD8I
Bonus: shouty Sir Uryens and a young Ciarán Hinds.
I’ll take Mr. Ewing
I see you aren’t worried about crunch time.
“…Or reading.”
-N Bosa