Day 65 of The Offseason.
Position: 38°37’38.17″N, 90°11’52.4″W.
Winds variable from SSE.
It has been 65 days since last we sighted Football. The days grow longer and the crew more fractious as we drift further and further into the Great Doldrums.
Our closest contact with civilization was four days ago, when we chanced across the wreckage of Derek Carr’s career.
The situation is becoming desperate. The first officer has ordered every remaining crewmember flogged, and none has protested as it will be a break from the boredom. Particularly concerning is Bosun’s Mate Balls, who asked if he might have a second turn. He was denied, as denial was deemed more of a punishment, and restricted from access to the cat o’ nine tails.
Victuals are still plentiful, if disgusting. A cask of cheeses was reported as rotted and maggot-infested. Upon further inspection it was found to simply be provel.
The midshipman’s berth has resorted to cannibalism, though apparently out of a sense of curiosity than desperation. As there were too many of the little bastards to begin with, I have chosen not to intervene to quell their youthful high spirits.
Fortunately, the rum remains plentiful. It is our last remaining bulwark against open mutiny, and I fear for my safety if we are forced to resort to apéritifs and liqueurs.
The lookout has just called out that he has sighted NFL News, claiming to have seen the Dolphins trying to trade Jalen Ramsey despite making him the league’s highest-paid cornerback seven months ago and having fuck-all as cornerback depth behind him. Given that a move before the draft would require Miami to eat $29 million in dead cap AND require the receiving team to pay a 35 year-old cornerback $21 million this coming season alone, this is clear nonsense. The lookout shall be flogged until his senses return.
WHAT TO READ TONIGHT:
Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ’s Childhood Pal by Christopher Moore.
Soooo it’s Easter Week, and if you would like a heavy dose of comic heresy to get you through those long, long Sunday services, have I got the book for you!
It’s got sex. It’s got violence. It’s got The Stupidest Angel. And despite it being sacreligious in a multitude of ways, it has a genuine affection for Joshua of Nazareth. Worth a read.
One of the things to keep in mind while traveling, the local currency may look like monopoly money but it is in fact real currency.
They have weed dispensaries that are open 24/7.
Because they are civilized, cultured people.
and are almost as numerous as Tim’s
When we were in Montreal we were in one and Mrs. Horatio asked if it was legal to smoke in public. Our very friendly assistant said “No. It was when they first made it legal but boy did we fuck that up!!”
He seemed pretty pleased about it.
Last funny:
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=tQOvkgZL9eU
Gonna share this at work tomorrow
Found a funny:
science actually has enough bodies, i’m donating my body to math
think math would better appreciate our rounding bodies
I don’t mean to brag, but I have an impressive margin of error.
Warriors/Grizzlies tied early in the 4th quarter.
Trying to care…caring a little…(drinks)
Ok, caring!
Just so no one has to look it up, winner gets #7 seed, loser has to play again Friday to try to get #8 seed. So it’s kind of a deal.
This NPR article about the crap DOGE is doing is depressing and scary and sad
https://www.npr.org/2025/04/15/nx-s1-5355896/doge-nlrb-elon-musk-spacex-security
This is Not Rocking
Wife and I are just talking about stuff, what does 3 months from now look like, and 6 months, etc. This is all crazy and not in a fun sex dwarf way.
“Overhead photos of him waking his dog that appeared to be taken with a drone”
That’s some psycho shit
Uh oh. The Kings have taken a 2-0 lead on the Kraken.
Gotta em right where we want em
Hey get that better draft pick!
There’s one!
Oh look. Tie game now.
Hmm. Kings have retaken the dreaded two goal lead. Masterful gambit, let’s see if it pays off.
Oh a four goal lead! Cunning strategy.
And just like, down to a three goal advantage. One away from dangerous territory.
Back to two! Look out!
You got your money’s worth, goalwise!
Kraken drop this game, but did get it back to a one goal game.
Some may say this is the exception to the rule, but I would argue being behind by four was the the actual defining score differential that decided the winner.
Anyway, can’t wait for Edmonton to push the King’s shit in again in the first round.
We’re in Toronto!
Checked in to the rental and found a watering hole that’s open until 2.
It’s cold as FUCK!
And it’s snowing.
And there’s an order of poutine coming.
I hope when you landed at YYZ all you could hear is YYZ on a loop.
Here we are.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ftVTWDrtrlc
Ask anyone about the Leafs’ playoff chances!
We drove right on front of their arena.
Nice arch!
I just finished Fool. Serpent of Venice arrives tomorrow.
us senators: old, useless, a pox on history, likely racist, terrible, unhappy, probably evil
ottawa senators: hockey team, canadian, now has the opportunity to do the funniest thing
It would be great if the Ottowa Senators went down to El Salvador, got the dude the US shipped there ‘accidentally’ and gave him Canadian citizenship
if only the senate dems had the courage and wisdom of JarJar Binks
It’s behind a paywall but I’m interested in what Lowratio has to say.
https://www.cnn.com/2025/04/15/us/waterbury-connecticut-man-held-captive-statement/index.html
They should bury that bitch stepmother under the jail. Alive.
/strains neck nodding in agreement
That’s a really horrible story with details still coming out. I suspect significant mental illness for both of them.
Or it could just be living in Waterbury, where I’m from. Staying too long in that post-industrial wasteland will fuck a person up.
Seems like the daughters were treated ok, so I’m going with the stepmother just being a horrible person
Unless you are in a constant state of psychosis, you have to know that starving your stepson and keeping him locked up for 20 fucking years is not ok. He weighed 68 fucking pounds. They should feed her to zoo animals.
where’s the face ripping chimp when you need him
lol white women
You ever have like one big thing you need to do and you procrastinate it for so long that it seems enormous and so you just keep putting it off and making things worse for yourself?
So anyway, I just spent like two hours doom scrolling social media…
The good thing about social media these days is that the Pennsylvania governor just had his house torched during Passover by a raging antisemite and no one seems to care. Also, “White Lives Matter” was trending earlier on Elon’s hellsite.
Anyway, stop procrastinating, whatever you have to do isn’t as bleak as what’s out there.
Dude was eating batteries but they couldn’t get an involuntary commital because he wasn’t considered a threat to himself or others which was pretty clearly incorrect
Easy to confuse vitamins with volts, just trying to be healthy, seems ok.
Is VOLTMAN any relation to BOLTMAN?
I vote we let him continue to eat batteries.
But I was assured that the Trump Administration was so concerned about antisemitism that they’re cutting off funding to universities!
Yes, the assholes disappearing people to concentration camps are antisemitic heroes of the first order. Or third reich.
I take Metamucil so I don’t have this problem
Finally found some rhubarb at the market last weekend, so I made the first strawberry-rhubarb pie of the year.
Also some rhubarb simple syrup for cocktail experiments. A rhubarb gin sour was very good. Going to try a rhubarb margarita tonight.
Rhubarb is one of those words where the more you say it, the less it seems like a real word. ROO-BARB
https://youtu.be/QgmzEhXe7J4?si=G6GZvg1_1gCYoMLO
‘each’ is nawt a word, it is one of the sounds a monkey makes
My 11th grade English/theater teacher told us that in crowd scenes in old movies where the people are supposed to be having a conversation with each other in the background, they say rhubarb over and over. It apparently looks like natural conversation. She may have just been high, she taught half a day at the Jr. High across town, then drove to the high school at lunchtime, and always arrived baked. Gumby and I had her right after lunch, she would read poetry to us and cry. We loved her!
The 70s were wonderful. Stupid, but also wonderful.
When I was like eight, I had a pair of burgundy polyester pants and no one said how stupid that was.
Rhubarb salsa is boss
It’s Jackie Robinson day in the MLB or as Fox News would say a dark day in American history.
Guess that explains why Fox didn’t show any baseball today.
think they expunged any record of it all. sports coverage limited to trans panic coverage of quidditch
Oh hey, 4chan is dead
https://www.404media.co/4chan-is-down-following-what-looks-to-be-a-major-hack-spurred-by-meme-war/
Would prefer it be the users.
schan gailey been suspiciously out of the coaching mix last few years mmm…
It’s the season finale of RELEASE THE KRAKEN!!!
We’ll even let you beat the Kings, since this game doesn’t matter.
Just be gentle.
Woohoo!!
When I’m in charge of all sports broadcasting, it will be a firing offense for a commentator to say “a two goal lead is the worst lead in hockey.”
It’s not. Because, you see, the object in hockey is to score more goals than your opponent, and advanced math tells me that 2 > 1.
Also, nobody ever says that the team up by two goals should let the other team score so that it’s the “safer” one-goal lead. So stop uttering this brainless cliche.
I’ll probably just have Collinsworth decapitated and call it a day.
Fin fact:
The Seattle Kraken have an impressive record when trailing by two goals at any point in a game, leading the NHL with seven wins in such situations.
Is that a stat that someone actually tracks or did you count just now?
I wouldn’t know how to look that up without wasting a ton of time.
9 days til a miserly Draft of prospects to tide us over
It’s really a pretty boring draft. I keep trying to psych myself up to right a preview, do a little research and then go “nah”
It’s always kind of interesting to see how the usual suspects manage to fuck things up
The Giants are going to draft Sanders.
Colonel?
*Andy Reid rushes to trade up*
It’ll be about as effective.
I don’t really have a firm opinion on whether or not Jalen Ramsay’s play is worth keeping him, but I’m just upset that the Dolphins might trade him because I like his DFO character.
Forced to cheer for the Philadelphia Flyers tonight, and I feel so dirty. They’re also disappointing me just like they do to their real fans.
Evening.
It is somewhere but prob not wherever Dok is