Da Thoid – Sunday Offseason Etc. Etc.

The next NFL event of some consequence is the schedule release. On May 14. Even if, like 🎶meeee🎶 you consider the Sked Release a milestone, that overproduced Excel scramble of pre-determined games is a week and a half away!

So while in the Void, I’ve had to check out more news than I’m accustomed to. Pft. There’s no way Imma read two books in three-ish months, even if NFL moves the Combine to March and the Draft to May. So deep in the news now, I’ve been forced to notice: there’s a lot, and I mean, a lot of items about the U.S.A.

Let me just say, my Murikan friends: all of us in the Third World, including the Caribbean, feel your pain AND welcome the original America with open arms. Welcome, América. I say this because I’ve heard and read folks from Argentina, Brazil, Chile, Cuba, Nicaragua, Venezuela etc. reacting to ICE arrests of college kids in broad daylight—tl dr:

And revoking visas on grounds of social media posts scoured by The Man! My friends, let me just say: the only bright side is that Henry Kissinger did not live to enjoy this, like the pig he was, rolling around in shit.

All of us are on this side now (to clarify: noUt Canada). But I feel Americans have been misinformed about the quote Third World. The Third World is not just about abysmal economic inequality and crumbling infrastructure and despots being sucked up to for career advancement. It’s a about a strong sense of community, forming deep emotional bonds over economic uncertainty and faithlessness in government. Are you an enjoyer of gallows [coughs] sorry humor? Then The Thoid is The World For You.

If your neighbor caught cancer, and he was a super huge asshole before, in The Thoid you can stop by his house to gloat. (I’ve been told folks from Chic*g* are like this too.) Living in The Thoid clothes folks with tough skin, which allows you to pass venom as joshing. You can avoid a slap with a well-timed “I’m just kidding, Robin Williams. Because he had hair all over, but you HAHAHAAHA JK JK”.

Community matters. In The Thoid, neighbors watch out for each other. Yes, neighbors’ kids can be thrust upon at a moment’s notice because “I’ll make it up to you later” / “Remember that time you called me at 2 AM…” The neighbors know each other by name. Not necessarily last name, but nickname definitely; body defects are prime nickname fodder. Folks can sense when to drop over to see if everything is OK. In The Thoid, there is only one way a dead body would remain undiscovered inside a house for over a week: everyone knows who did it and the fucker deserved it.

And you can care feely, without doing nothing or feeling guilty. When a friend asks you for a loan of money, you can just respond “Can’t 🤷🏻‍♂️🎵Da, Thoid🎵”. Da Thoid is about “We are all fucked, together”.

NFL NEWS

-Per PFF, the Tennessee Titans had the best 2025 NFL draft. Connor Orr, a journo I respect, ranked TEN as the 32nd Draft. No links. Pft.

-In more weighty National Football Lee items that interest me,

On to serious matters:

STANLEY CUP PLAYOFFS

GAME 7

Blues @ Jets – 6:00

SPROTS TONITE

NBA GAME 7

Warriors @ Rockets – 7:30

GRANDES LIGAS

Doyers (May) @ Bravos (Elder) – 6:00

TOP FLIGHT FÚTBOL

No @s for teh fútbols. Visitors last (source: colonists). Worth repeating, https://tv.garden (thanks Balls!) has channels from all kinds of worlds. Maybe even the Second World—does it even exit? I bet it’s Russia.

Argentina

River Plate v. Vélez Sarsfield

Bolivia

Blooming v. GV San José – 6:30

Chile

Ñublense v. Unión La Calera – 7:00

Colombia

Unión Magdalena v. Once Caldas – 6:20

Águilas Doradas v. Deportivo Pereira – 8:30

Ecuador

Independiente del Valle v. Emelec – 6:00

Guatemala

Comunicaciones v. Marquense – 7:00

Paraguay

Libertad v. Club Atlético Tembetary – 6:15

Perú

Deportivo Binacional v. Los Chankas – 6:00

Secsi Mexi

Monterrey v. Pumas UNAM – 8:30

U.S.A.

Look at how snugly América fits among stalwarts of Da Thoid.*

Fact check: I am not a prophet. These long and inclusive fútbol listings have always been for my amusement [Ed. Note: caaallate 😝🤭]

NWSL

San Diego Wave v. Bay FC – 7:00

MLS

Sporting Kansas City v. LA Galaxy – 6:00

* not Uruguay

Miramar Misiones v. River Plate – 6:00

FINALLY,

I know the slide into Da Thoid may not entice every American, so there’s no way I’m gonna end this post on a bummer on tonight’s offseason Work Eve. So I will address you directly, with very ethnic warmth.

Dear American friend:

If you feel that the U.S.A.’s unquestionable slide into Da Thoid is the most abominable event in your lifetime, lawyers are fighting that. Yes, lawyers.

Seeing your retching has abated, I will continue. Yes, lawyers.

The courts of the U.S.A. have been stopping presidents doing patronage and worse crap since forever. While judges may be political appointees, for centuries they have been goaded and persuaded by the sophistry, manipulation of facts, unnecessary Latin, smart-assy retorts, and WE’RE GONNA DIE grandstanding that can only be delivered by attorneys dedicated to be proven right every single time, no matter how shitheaded is the cause or the cli [hands seized by Higher Power] end of sentence.

Don’t lose faith, my righteous and middle-aged member of this community. (Or Trevor Semen, if still around. Jeez that guy must be a college sophomore by now.) All I’m saying is: delay is an integral part of the judicial process, so the complete and total crushing of hope is quite away. Everyone takes it easy during the summer anyway, so I don’t think any consequential SCOTUS decision on the clear abuse of executive power will be issued before the Hall of Fame Game. By that time, life will be all about picking the most offensive FF name in your league.

America has always been a country of great jurists, in film. Jesus Christ every movie and TV show has court scenes AND OH MY GAAAA THAT’S TO’LLY INADMISSIBLE [leaves room aghast. Aghast!]

The good and current films show righteous cause and truth to power stories through shysters and muckrakers because you need a li’l dirty—you need a li’l dirty, people gotta have some defects to be compelling in the wake of the Pronoun Wars. Man, hearing about virtue feels like a freakin’ lecture or—wait:

The sun came out after six days of rain!

Anyway, it’s Da Thoid or rooting for lawyers. This pic is aspirational af:

Via @Neutralious