Welcome back to the maddest season, when ALL TYPES OF FITBAW come back into our meagre, hopeless lives.  Please to keep your hands and feet inside the cat at all times.  Your uncle lost his arm that way!!!1111

We actually begin as I am typing this, Friday Night Lights with Chelski and Rum Ham (Chelski won, to the surprise of nobody).  But no worries if you missed that, wake up early with a tasty City of Men/Spurs tilt (7:30, USA).  Pep’s crew looked back and Blacker than EVAR opening weekend, but this is a step up in difficulty (even at the Etihad).  Thomas Frank seems like he’d make himself quite the pest in this spot.  Plus, he’ll be angry to be awake so early.

Villa/Beesus are in “must win or things feel itchy” territory in the 10:00 window, and Burnley hosting Sunderland might end up interesting (as an alternate watch).  yeah right’s plucky Cherries should annihilate Wolves, though.

Leeds are away to Arsenal in the spotlight dance (12:30, NBC), and I will be interested to see if Eze makes the King’s Afrikan Water Pistols‘ bench or not.  Will be fascinating to see how Handasome Mikel deploys his new toy.  For the record, I do NOT think Leeds are worth two shits.  Everton just had to set up very meekly, with no healthy fullbacks available (and still should have taken a point, guh).

Speaking of those delightful, perpetually disappointing Toffees?  Ditching the Old Lady for New Sidepiece on Dick Hill is formally complete, with the opening of our new ground (against Brighton, 9:00 Sunday, USA).  Absolutely would be happy with a point here. Not happy with Moyes’ moaning about the transfer window, nor that he agitated for fucking Grealish.  Afterward, Mighty Whitey welcome Men Untied (11:30, USA) in a fairly compelling weekend finale.

Early days, for sure.  But you’d rather show some life early, rather than running all season trying to catch up.

Cornpone State (+3.5) v. Unded Bill Snyders (Noon, ESPN – Farmageddon Potatoe Famine Edition)

I love when a Week Zero, overseas opener is a league matchup, with real stakes.  Talk about running to catch up, imagine having no margin for error in the Big Twaaaaallllvvvve, and it ain’t even September for NINE MOAR DAYS.  But that’ll be the fate of one of these two interesting squadrons.

Balls will take us home this evening, don’t forget about Kansas/Fresno (Fox, 6:30) and Stanford/Hawaii (CBS, 7:30) to warm up for next week’s full slate.  See y’all in the comments!

They Surf Together!