Man, some days, weekends, TIMELINES are just a giant pile of liquid shit.  Why not join the party, Week 3?

Soundtrack of the earlies:

But who would finish the JORB?  Well, the P*ts, committing FIVE turnovers in a very dumb loss to Yinzburgh, 21-14.  I shall say no MOAR.

RRRRRRRRRRRRAM IT!!??  Yep.  They improbably went into Philly and dominated the first half.  But 4 FGs meant that 19-7 kind of flattered the Iggles on the day.  Then, LA took the 2nd half kickoff and immediately converted for 7.  26-7 feels quite a bit more comfortable, particularly against a passing offense that’s been popgun all season.

But the home team converted late on 4th and goal, missing the two but still leading 27-26.  A blocked chip shot FG certainly came back to haunt.  Except that Philly went soft prevent, and Karty had a try at the gun for redemption, from 44 yards out.

Blocked again, run back for an unnecessary 6 from a fat dude.  Philly wins – and backdoor covers in all-time fashion – 33-26.

Green Bay tried REALLY hard.  Despite making #ThePauls’ unflavoUred offense look silly all day, they only led 10-nil in Q4.  Cleveland had a beyond-fucking-nuts futile drive, running like 10 plays in the red zone (including like 3 from the 1) before somehow settling for a 35-yard FG.  Under 4 to play, could that possibly matter?  Well, if Love throws a pickerception, run back to the 5?  SURE!  After a DPI to the 1, #ThePauls actually found the end zone and tied things at 10.

Still, though.  They’re #ThePauls, and the Packers drove into chip shot FG range.  Couldn’t burn quite all the clock (confused me, but I wasn’t playing great attention), but inside the 20 with like 27 ticks left.  Seemed safe enough…but Cleveland blocks it and runs it back over midfield.  Flacco managed one of the quickest 7-yards and a spike plays you’ll see, setting up a 55-yarder for the win…which he MAKES.  13-10, and CLE is off the schneid.  Just terrible game management from Green Bay.  They’ve got some shit to clean up.  Shout out to Shogun, our Packers supporter who totally called this outcome from the jump.

RedZone hadn’t even really been covering Jest/MRSA Men, as it was uncompetitive most of the way.  Once Tampa went up 3 scores, it seemed over.  Somehow, NYJ managed to claw back to 26-20, burned all their timeouts at the 2-minute warning, forcing a long FG attempt.  Starting DE Will McDonald leaped cleanly over the line, blocked the kick, picked it up, and scored untouched.  HOLY SHIT, another late 27-26 lead.  That defense must have been tired, because they offered fuckshit resistence as Baker set up the game-winner from 36.  No block this time, MRSA Men somehow go to 3-0, with the 29-27 win.  Not.  Convinced.

London’s pride and joy kept letting the 500s hang around, missing multiple opportunities to expand a 10-3 lead.  Finally, Stroud-to-wide-the-fuck-open Nico Collins tied things up.  But Prison Girlfriend tossed her hair back, and drove down for the 17-10 winner.  Houston’s nightmare season spirals to 0-3, and they’s in big trouble.

Big exhale.  The rest barely are worth mentioning.

In the battle of backup quartered backery, it was Dakota Jeebus >>> Elizabeth Barrett Browning, as the Vikings blew Cincinnati to smithereens, 48-10.  It was 48-3 after Q3, so consider this a mercy killing.

Forward, Comrades!  The Mariota Commies did just fine, marching right down the visiting Raiders’ throats.  It finished 41-21, and I really don’t know much about the details.  I’m sure I’m sorry, eh?

Fat Humps 41, DonT’s still developing Tits 20.  Indy did have to punt at least once, so Tennessee can salvage more pride than Weeks 1 and 2 foes.  That means the Humps are also an unconvincing 3-0 (but less unconvincing than the MRSA Men).

Haven’t mentioned the Black Panthers, and maybe we’ll FREE HUEY after all?  Perhaps the most unexpected outcome of the day, Charlotte pitches a 30-nil shutout, where Wee Bryce didn’t even fuck anything up.  Penix was pretty limp, though.  QB selection and development are right difficult, y’all.

Four in the late window, and I had to pay attention (at least somewhat) to Donks/Clippers.  I don’t recommend that experience for the neutral.  Denver got basically all of its production on one play at the end of Q2, and one drive at the start of Q3.  But after a FG swap, they still led 20-13, with 40% of the Spanoi OL ded.  It didn’t matter.  Herbert led the tying drive, followed by s Donks 3-and-out and then Dicker for the 23-20 win.  Ouch, but Denver remains out of synch on offense and deserved their fate.

The Saints had been remarkably cromulent in the first two weeks.  Emphasis on had been, as the SeaTruthers pushed their shit in.  In Q1 alone, SEA ran a punt back for a TD (after a false start wiped away what would have been a Saints 4th-and-1 failure near midfield), then blocked a 2nd punt, down to the NO 10 and already up 14-zip.  I paid no more attention to this tilt.  SEA rolls, 44-13.

Man, the Qards almost had a game winning safety, via BLEERGH.  But they managed only one first down after the free kick, and they needed two.  The Gimpy Legend of Bay Area White Mac redeemed himself with an admittedly excellent, textbook 2-minute drill drive for the winning placemen.  16-15, Tomsulas, but the Qards just might be relevant after all.

LMAO, they made Dickweed Brady go to Chi**** for Bearisticrats! and Cowpersons.  Christ, I can smell the stank all the way down here.  Dallas came back after a slow start to tie things up at 14…then never troubled the scoreboard again.  Caleb spread the love around, and didn’t fuck anything up for once.  31-14, and there’s real trouble in the Metroplex.

Am I staying awake for Chefs/Vertically Enhanced Persons?  Am I, fuck!