Off We Go To Australia! An NFL First

Does Goodell’s monomaniacal desire to expand the game and line his pockets at the same time know any bounds? I think that question lies on rhetorical grounds. Related: Did I take tomorrow off?

So here we are in Melbourne and I’ll just get this out of the way-I’m happy for the fans of the league/pro sport that reside there and I’m quite sure they’ll show up large. Good for them.

But the site of this tilt brings up another question for me: what are the producers going to do to highlight the local flavor of the community? In Seattle it’s salmon tossing, in Vegas it’s escorts rifling thru a passed-out date’s wallet, in Cincy it’s some poor soul emptying the contents of his stomach on the doorstep of a Skyline Chili establishment, and so on. Perhaps we could be blessed with a shirtless mate right-hooking a wayward kangaroo, seems right.

To The Game!

Niners/Rams:

-Aaron Donald will not be playing this fair evening. (game time is around 8am in the host country. Who is up for a Bloody Mary with a shrimp on the rim?) Those brittle 35 yr. old bones could barely stand a half-day of flight time, never mind 10-15 plays over a three hour period.

-We had some injuries last night and the substation-adjacent Niners are raring to add to Week One’s total. I have Trent Williams with a strained bicep on my bingo card.

-Fatt Matt (he could be in the best shape of his life but some things just stick to you) is 4-9 vs Los Niners but if he throws a couple of TD’s he ends up tied with Phil “Never Ending Stream of Semen” Rivers for sixth place all time.

Enjoy the game.

 

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fleshwound_NPG

good job netflix cameraman, there was no need to see that celebration

jjfozz

I’m never met an Aussie I didn’t immediately love. (No homo)

King Hippo

how does one say “spot of bother” in Aussie?

Col. Duke LaCross

https://twitter.com/Blitz_Burgh/status/2098104215855943877?s=20

It’s a real he said/she said situation…

Aaron: Shailene said “before we get married, I gotta go fuck this guy”

Shailene: Before we get married, I gotta go. Fuck this guy.

SonOfSpam

Shailene: “Before we get married, I wanna go fuck some random guy”

A-aron: “Way ahead of you”

Gatoraids

if I fucked Matt LaFleur so can you
-aaron

Spur

It was me. She didn’t like having to wear those shoulder pads in bed with Rodgers and asked me for some regular old fornicating

King Hippo

hahahahahahaha CUCK

/Pat McAfee can resume his erotic dreams too

Col. Duke LaCross

Aaron Rodgers two days into the 2026-2027 NFL season: “My dick game is trash. Just thought you all might want to know.”

Unsurprised

Netflix has the movie and the lack of contract strings they could have hired anyone for these games.

At least it’s not the usual dickbags.

King Hippo

Noah Eagle is pretty good. Keuchly is mid, but I’ll take that over the alternatives

jjfozz

It’s amazing Eagle didn’t suffer permanent brain damage from all of the swirlies he got in high school and college.

SonOfSpam

WOO PUKA TREATING THAT DB LIKE A JErk

Jimbo

He really chewed up yards after the catch.

SonOfSpam

I don’t like the announcers saying “Melbun”

SPEAK ENGLISH LOSERS

Sharkbait

Sharkette still calls it that. Someone at the airport said that’s how locals say it and she started calling it “Melbun” ever since

jjfozz

Fuck the world. And everyone in it.

Present company excluded.

King Hippo

ah wish to subscribe to your newsletter, Imaginary Balmer Pal.

jjfozz

Subscriptions are free and we welcome humorous stories from our subscribers, as long as someone gets an axe in the head or has their faced burned with acid.

King Hippo

I mean, as one DOES

litre_cola

Wasn’t Puca supposed to be suspended or something, or did I dream that?

King Hippo

The Ginger Hammer is letting him twist in limbo

herodotus450

Gonna order that he’s to be left behind in Australia, as a recognition of their culture as a colony of criminals.

Gatoraids

musta got lucky spinning the wheel

Sharkbait

Damnit. Now I wanna go back to Melbourne even more than I already did.

litre_cola

Every damn day of my life.

Don T

Stafford’s obviously disyracted. Only thinking about protein deficiency and the halftime egg custard.

King Hippo

Maybe he can’t get Crisco down there. Disgusting fat bastard.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Koala, DRINK!

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Stafford should have looked for a man down under on that one

/shows self out

King Hippo

/yeah I heard that thunder

//was just Fatthew’s thighs

Sharkbait

Ok the referee doing the AFL goal sign is pretty awesome

ballsofsteelandfury

Should have gone with the “behind” signal, but we’ll take it!

BrettFavresColonoscopy

I made the same joke to my team, it was a minor score!

King Hippo

on extra point, maybe?

also Judges Balls in WASP

Gumbygirl

GTD is gonna kill me with Mike Evans. Crikey.

Spur

Those Sub Station electromagnetic beams just hit the ionosphere. Evans is safe until the start of the 4th.

litre_cola

I pray you are right.

Sharkbait

First half? First quarter.

Sharkbait

There is a bar on the other side of that bridge pylon. I went when I was in Melbourne last year. It’s awesome

https://www.ponyfishisland.com.au/

Last edited 9 hours ago by Sharkbait
Brick Meathook

Departure MSP

IMG_5678
BrettFavresColonoscopy

Christ, what an asshole

Gumbygirl

Don’t tell Brick, but I laffed!

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

The dog wants to go for a walk. The Dr. Mrs. wants to go for a walk. It is still 98° here, it is TOO HOT to walk the dog right now.

WHY WON’T ANYONE IN THIS HOUSE LISTEN TO ME?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

It’s too hot! She’ll burn her paws on the sidewalk!

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Can’t you attach one or both of them to a vacuum and let it do the work?

litre_cola

Does the neighboUrhood need vacuuming?

King Hippo

bass line intensifies

King Hippo

(wait, shit, that’s Midnight Oil again)

something something vegemite

King Hippo

The Canadia should have ads on this broadcast. But instead of tourism promotion, they’d just say Go Fuck Yourself, eh?

Spur

surprised its not in Hindi

clint greasewood

Hippie grandma with the leaves, acoustic national anthems, random drunk Australians?

Did they really need to leave California for this?

SonOfSpam

Wait, the Aussie national anthem isn’t Big Balls?

Spur
Gatoraids

SHIELDED ALOT OF RESTRAINT NOT HAVING THE JETS ON TONIGHTS GAME

Spur

Infinity Song?? How long is this rendition going to last?

Spur

Did Shanahan drive the Team bus on the right side?

King Hippo

wait, is this lady Midnight Oil??

SonOfSpam

THE TIME HAS COME
TO SAY FAIR’S FAIR
TO PAY THE RENT
(Cutler voice) DON’T CAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRE

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“Lubrication in the middle of night? Sounds like a hoax to me.” – Ben Shapiro

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Is there still a Bosa on the Niners? I hope the Indigenous land acknowledgement gives him an aneurysm.

Spur

comment image

litre_cola

She is and has always been fucking amazing.

clint greasewood

How the fuck does Micheal Irvin keep getting employed?

LemonJello

Nobody can get those scissors away from him?

Gumbygirl

He provides the drugs.

Spur

He’s got a pair of scissors and he’s not afraid to use them.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Would you tell him you’re sorry but you’ll be hiring someone else?

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Ok, I haven’t had a drink since last week. Nominations for this game’s tipple? Leaning toward busting out a tasmanian whisky

King Hippo

Ether. Smithers left the rag

Spur

Those Koala’s are crawling with chlamydia. She’s being responsible smart guy

fleshwound_NPG

elle duncan is from atlanta, and worked for some of the clubs and hangouts in atlanta

during the crunk era

so the answer to that question is, correct

ArmedandHammered

After last nights snore fest I’ve decided to watch a movie. “Nefarious” about a serical killer who claims to be a demon. Psychiatrist jumps to his death before the opening credits. Good start.

Spur

Myles Garrett leaves Ohio and suddenly he’s jet setting to Melbourne.

fleshwound_NPG

snuck out of the factory of sadness in a box labeled “SHIP TO AUSTRALIA”

LemonJello

If it shipped from the Factory of Sadness, he’s lucky he didn’t wind up in Austria.

Spur

Sir, it says Expedited Shipping only – Shedeur Sanders
Am not paying for that! Poke some holes in box – Jimmy Haslam

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Goddamit, Nermal

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Don T

Reached the Gotta Eat Something stage, can only pray for kickoff NOW WHY WHY DO IT!1!11

Spur

Folks

BrettFavresColonoscopy
Redshirt

In his defense, have you seen the Reds pitching this year? Our catcher has pitched more games than our ace.

IMG_4165
fleshwound_NPG

baseball was designed to drink/smoke/snort while you work

Brick Meathook

Here’s the view out the window of a Delta B757, MSP to LAX.

IMG_5658
LemonJello

Probably need to gain a little altitude there, Brick.

litre_cola

When I lived in Melbourne the Superb Owl was early in the morning on the Monday, my buddy and I went downtown to the Crown Casino where we knew the game would be on. Proceeded to drink A LOT buckets of MGD at 6 am.

When the Eagles eventually lost to the Tom Brady’s we played a game to get back to our neghboUrhood. We call it the left hand or right hand rule. During your walk back any bar on the side you choose, you have to go in for a shot or beer. We got leathered on the 8 km walk from the casino to the pub.

We then met up with my buddies at one of our locals and got very drunk in the sun as it twas summer. As I was sitting in the Prince of Wales hotel bar, I was very much wobbling on my barstool, and my mate Wazzy stuck a key in my mouth that had speed on it to get me on track. It just made my brain work fast and my motor skills were still drunk and wasted.

The guy I went with originally was so drunk he walked into a tree outside the bar I worked at and my bartending partner ran out from behind the bar to pick him up and point him in the right direction.

Last edited 10 hours ago by litre_cola
King Hippo

proper story, lad! Tell that one to Deci

King Hippo

Had a brief migraine nap (which fortunately helped Imitrex do its thing), but already sleepy again. Why couldn’t this be Qards/LOLfins or some shit?

LemonJello

No country deserves a Qards/LOLfins match as their inaugural NFL tilt.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I dunno, I feel like Bonesaw Arabia does.

Gumbygirl

I’m surprised you don’t have Michael Hutchence hanging around

Gumbygirl

Without the chlamydia!

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“Not so fast. I think the doctor might have some followup questions though.” – mammogram technician

Redshirt

I would wish Australia a very happy Friday Morning Football but they didn’t warn America about 9/11 and they are 14 hours ahead of us!

Last edited 10 hours ago by Redshirt
King Hippo

That’s why we didn’t send them Mina Kimes for this fixture. Pepperidge Farm REMEMBERS, fuckweasels.

Don T

There’s Japanese Iron Chef* to drink before most long-awaited kickoff. What an age of lodshury, praise Gamblir.

* Kandagawa v. Sakai, 100th episode WAAAAAAA 🤩

herodotus450

Fukui-san!!

Don T

yes Ohta

herodotus450

The challenger appears to be–yes, he’s added fermented sea slug roe to this pot which also contains water, cabbage, foie gras, and our featured ingredient, fish gallbladders!

LemonJello

comment image

Don T

You sound like Dr. Yukio Hattoei 🤣😅

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Ha ha, or Professor Tanaka Kubayashi!

/is making stuff up to sound cultured.

Don T

Sakai won. Oh the surprise 😑

NotShogunButShogun

Seafood? He was unbeatable.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

BFC says NO to Wednesday Night Football but G’Day! to Friday Morning Football in Australia

ballsofsteelandfury

$10 says they show a koala and a kangaroo.

King Hippo

Hear me out – a Barbie doll made entirely of shrimp!

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Even Ohtani’s translator isn’t dumb enough to take that action.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

$10 says they show the Sydney Opera House at least once despite this game being played in Melbourne.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I’m not taking either of these bets.

Redshirt

Hopefully they don’t show a dingo and a baby.

LemonJello

Is Crocodile Dundee still alive?

WCS

Bringing this over from the previous post, since I didn’t realize how close we were to starting tonight’s festivities…

https://x.com/RoyalCaribbean/status/2098049274512818674

Royal Caribbean has some ideas how to spend the winter if you’re a fan of The Pauls, J-E-S-T, Vertically Enhanced Persons, and Don T’s Glorious Tits.

King Hippo

So help me BLEERGH, but my Maths Is Hard team sucks so badly that I am starting Deebo Samuel. Also 2 TEs. And BOTH Raiders’ RBs.

Seriously, I didn’t used to be THIS bad at fantasy fitbaw.

litre_cola

What the hell were you doing during the 4 hour draft?

King Hippo

wasting away in my pill-addled sloth

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Weird way to spell “Margaritaville”

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Merck-aritaville?

comment image

Last edited 10 hours ago by Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Don T

Netflix pregame desk taeks:

-Nick Folk! 😃

-Michael Irvin hair: 🤔
those gotta be extendions

-3rd guy, great suit + hair

-Elle Duncan’s b/w croupier outfit + bare arms + black gloves
🫡

Don T

PSA: ISIS Toyota is closed tomorrow

https://youtu.be/fPCEjURvaX0?is=j-8i7WY9XdDkaHO8

Last edited 12 hours ago by Don T
Unsurprised

Syria remains open

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