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Shtupping the Light Fantastic! Tuesday Open Thread

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

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,

Ever get so mentally exhausted that you have to make a conscious effort to blink? And then after a while, that feels like too much effort?

I shan’t belabor the point. It’s better than the alternative, when you don’t have enough to think about and your brain starts chewing on itself for sustenance. But at this point, all I have is the theme song from Sanford and Son rattling through my head on infinite repeat.

Relatively busy times for The Off Season. I note with some relish that the Lakers were swept last night. The Celtics have their own appointment with the abbatoir this evening. I also found a place that sell blasting gelatine, so getting rid of these tree stumps shouldn’t be quite as laborious as the last one.

NFL NEWS:

-A.A.RON NEEDS AN A.A.MBULANCE! Well, probably not, but a boy can dream. Participating in his first Organized Team Activities since the Trump Administration, Rodgers “tweaked his calf” in conditioning drills and sat out. He characterized the injury as not “too serious.” What he is not counting on is the effect a near-40 body and the JEST medical staff can have on even the most minor injuries. Look for this to result in Zach Wilson making multiple starts this season.

-EKELER KNUCKLES UNDER: Chargers running back Austin Ekeler has given up on his efforts to get paid in accordance with his value, signing a revised contract effectively paying him $8 million for the final year of his contract. Dropping his prior trade demand, Ekeler added $1.75 million in “reachable incentives” on top of his $6.25 million normal money. For context, the franchise tag number for running backs is a fully-guaranteed $10 million.

It’s actually not a bad deal, given the overall RB market’s sorry state. It just annoys me when the Chargers ‘win’.

-DONKS KICK KICKER: Brandon McManus, the last living remenant of Broncos’ 2015 Super Bowl, was summarily kicked to the curb. Kinda weird timing. I assume he made fun of Condi’s tooth-gap.

-WAR ON KICKOFFS CONTINUE: The league, in a very reasonable move to reduce the most dangerous on-field play* in the NFL, passed a one-year rule that any fair catch on a kickoff fielded inside the 25 is basically a touchback. Needless to say, special teams coaches are livid. Not because of the rule change- it just frankly seems that 99% of special teams coaches are psychotic.

*the most dangerous off-field play is pulling up to a red light next to Jalen Carter.

-DAMAR!: Damar Hamlin participated in some individual drills today for the Bills.

 

WHAT’S ON TONIGHT:

BAAHSTAN CELTICS VS. MIAMI “HEAT” (TNT, 7:30 DFO Time): I’m torn. I want to watch the Celtics play an entire game with the “I wonder what snacks are in the locker room” energy they had for much of Game 3 and get ignominiously swept out of my life. On the other hand, I really want the bed they shit to be parquet, with 19,156 chapped-ass New Englanders booing them so hard the little leprechaun drawing midcourt comes to life. Fed by the malignant energy of the crowd (a la Ghostbusters II), Lucky becomes a rampaging monster, leaving a bloody trail of destruction from there to Wooostah.

Sorry, what were we talking about?

VEGAS GOLDEN SHOWERS VS. DALLAS STOLEN VALOR (ESPN, 7:00 DFO Time): Eh. Everything is Hot Weather Hockey and therefore Wrong. BRING BACK THE WHALE

Question for the Evening: Why aren’t otters more popular as pets? What semi-wild animal would you like as a pet, notwithstanding the immorality?

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BugEyedBoo

Columbus is moving up to the big time. Lately we started a collection of our very own Kia Boys, juvies who are stealing Kias and joyriding them. Usually when they’re done they smack them into a building or something and take off running. For some reason they get busted, and then released. Yesterday they drove through a city park, just like John McClain did in Die Hard III.

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WCS

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Doktor Zymm

I WILL NOT start another game of Civ. There is zero chance of getting to bed at a reasonable hour if I start another game. C’mon sensible me, BE SENSIBLE. Although…on an easy setting, small map, highest speed….maybe…

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Mr. Ayo

You don’t have a job. No such thing as a reasonable bed time.

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Doktor Zymm

Except I’m waking up at 5:50 am to go to the gym for personal training, followed by a riding lesson, then home to shower and change before flying to Chicago

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Mr. Ayo

I sometimes forget you’re not a recluse like some of us around here.

Definitely an itinerary to get to bed for.

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Doktor Zymm

It’s actually way easier to get to sleep when it’s in support of stuff I actually want to do. Go figure

2
SonOfSpam

Two things:

Rev, love the post title

And:
FUCK YEAH TROUT
(either me watching the Angels game or a bear any time ever)

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SonOfSpam

Also Trout tied DiMaggio on the all time HR list which means he gets to do Ana De Armas.

Last edited 2 years ago by SonOfSpam
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BrettFavresColonoscopy

Evening. Done playing spades with friends but NAWT yet done drinking

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Doktor Zymm

I miss playing spades, hugely fun game, hope you had a great time

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BrettFavresColonoscopy

Twas a virtual game with college friends, but zoom helps. And we won 3/4 so that was nice.

2
Mr. Ayo

Did you shoot the moon?

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BrettFavresColonoscopy

That’s hearts, you savage

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blaxabbath

Man i cannot tell you how burnt i am. Zymm mentioned her Bears game which reminded me that i met her before the Raiders Browns game. That was when the kid was just born and i cut it to like a 24hr trip and i was all jacked up THEN! And now he’s almost 5.

This is weak.

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Doktor Zymm

We old. At least the Raiders managed to not Raider themselves while the Browns still Brownsed

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2Pack

Good thing for you guys. I read that Raidering leads to complications later in life.

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The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

“Later in life” meaning 40

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2Pack

Evening folks

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WCS

Mike Glennon’s younger brother in high school?

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Senor Weaselo

Volpe walks it off!
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Horatio Cornblower

He seems like the real deal.

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WCS

He’s no Springy.

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Doktor Zymm

Anyone else feel like the debt ceiling thing is going to end more poorly than usual this time? They need to just get rid of the damn thing since US politicians are clearly far too busy making inaccurate metaphors to household finance to nawt totally fuck things up

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Horatio Cornblower

Don’t they have an agreement in place? I’m barely paying attention to it this go round because I’ve finally learned that, as a straight, upper-middle-class white male, none of this means anything to me.

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Doktor Zymm

Nope, they’re not even close, still having stupid ‘meetings’. Biden came back early from the G7 and delayed the first trip by a sitting president to Papua New Guinea for this shit. If the GOP destroys the world economy to win in ’24 I am gonna be so pissed, although on the plus side I’ll probably be able to stay unemployed for longer via the barter economy.

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Horatio Cornblower

Not Papua New Guinea. NOT PAPUA NEW GUINEA!!

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Doktor Zymm

I know, it’s a TRAVESTY!

They were being super cute and excited too, they declared the visit a national holiday and now they have to settle for Modi, pfft.

2
Dunstan

Oh Lord, I’m stuck with Modi again

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blaxabbath

I don’t know. It’s performative. And the GOP is a zillion percent in on making things ‘feel’ real anymore.

Or Boebert is gonna demand a debate with Biden on Hunter before this is over. Unless Mitch steps in.

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Horatio Cornblower

I don’t think the GOP will crash the economy. That’s a real thing that could be traced to them. They’re much better at focusing on things like why “Are You There God? It’s Me, Margaret?” are destroying America.

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Doktor Zymm

Eh, I don’t know, enough people might blame Biden for them to think it’s worth it. After all, it’s way easier and more effective than trying to get a mob to murder Congresspeople, just the small risk that we might have to sell a few flyover states to Canada in order to appease the mobs of elderly looking for their social security checks

1
Senor Weaselo

Oh no, whatever will we do without North Dakota?

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Dunstan

Traced to them by who? The right-wing media will back them 100% and blame Biden for any economic collapse. “Centrist” media will run a thousand pieces on “what went wrong?” and “why couldn’t Biden get a deal done?”

The only real hope is that the GOP donor class will tell them to knock it off.

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Doktor Zymm

Even getting this close to the deadline without an agreement is harmful. Performative or not there’s a real cost here.

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BrettFavresColonoscopy

The GOP don’t give a fuck about anything other than owning the libs. They all deserve to die of gonorrhea and burn in hell.

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BugEyedBoo

My daughter got fucked over by the last debt ceiling crisis. The Eighth Grade trip to DC happened right when it started. They shut down all of the Smithsonian museums and the National Zoo. No dinosaurs and pandas for you, young lady.

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Mr. Ayo

I stopped reading right before the word “over”.

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BugEyedBoo

Don’t tell her boyfriend, he might get upset.

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Horatio Cornblower

I think this Aaron Judge character just might have a future in this sport they call “baseball”

0
Senor Weaselo

THIS AARON JUDGE I CALL HIM GREG JENNINGS BECAUSE HE PUTS THE TEAM ON HIS FUCKING BACK.

1
WCS

Trouble brewing in Dallas.

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Mr. Ayo

Remove the fans!

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Mr. Ayo

Nevermind, most of them are leaving of their own accord.

Losers.

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Horatio Cornblower

-Jackie Kennedy

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SonOfSpam

Did Sue Ellen fuck Bobby?

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herodotus450

If I were a hockey franchise in the North Eastern North American Continent, I would simply keep my superstar players and win my own Stanley Cup commemorative trophy

1
litre_cola

I want an emotional support Capybara so bad.

5
WCS

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Doktor Zymm

Of all the giant rodents, they’re my favorite

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scotchnaut

“Score Update: The Knights are up on the Stars 3-0. Also, Hartford once had a hockey team a long time ago.”

-H. Cornblower, sports reporter and unrepentant midget lover

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SonOfSpam

It’s a tough love.

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Horatio Cornblower

Not to mention unrequited.

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The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

“There was a dream called Hartford…” M. Aurelius

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Doktor Zymm

Think I’m going to go see a Bears game this year while they’re still in Soldier instead of the soul-killing suburbs. The Bears are soul-killing enough without help from a dismal location

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scotchnaut

Perhaps you should give “Applebees, Brought To You By Home Depot In Partnership With Roto-Rooter Stadium” a chance? Just sayin’.

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blaxabbath

I’m glad to have gone to that game at The Colesium. Rich history, as laughable as it also is.

What game would you want to see on this year’s schedule?

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Doktor Zymm

Funnily enough, the Raiders on Oct 22

2
LemonJello

Our friends’ son made it onto Little Danny’s Jug Band again, so we’re getting free tickets to watch Da Bears shit on FedEx Field in October. AND it’s a TNF game!

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SonOfSpam

Dirt Argos put up 20 on the Dirt Buccaneers. Bummer about the missed XP.

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scotchnaut

Dallas down three goals-starting goalie is sent off to Dealey Plaza to think about what he’s done before the inevitable headshot.

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King Hippo

He’s always had issues with back, and to the left

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scotchnaut

Not gonna lie-would love for the Lakers and Celtics getting swept. #embracesortachaos

0
WCS

I GAVE THOSE WEIRDOS ON SKATES THE OL’ DOUBLE HOOKERS BLOW PREGAME PARTY AND THEY’RE PLAYING LIKE DEION AND MIKE IRVIN USED TO HHHEEEEEE—HHHAAAAWWWW I AM REEEEAAAALLLY FUCKIN CRAZY

Last edited 2 years ago by WCS
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scotchnaut

Rodgers is going to get torn a new asshole by the NY media and I look forward to him scampering over to Pat McAfee to whine and complain about his treatment.

/you wanted a bigger platform? You just got a bigger soap opera

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King Hippo

They should re-brand the ESPN daytime programming. This afternoon, after Shouty Black Guy, the WWL brings you…Shouty WHITE Guy!

1
WCS

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King Hippo

Coming home from a dope run, I saw one of the thugsyoung Black dudes who live across the street scrunching down on the sidewalk. He was absorbed into petting my grandson Noodles because cats aren’t raycess.

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scotchnaut

Much like dogs, cats don’t see color.

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Horatio Cornblower

They’re also indiscriminate in what they’ll kill. Literally anything smaller and slower than them.

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Doktor Zymm

Doesn’t have to be smaller

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blaxabbath

I don’t get the War on Kickoffs. It really is an out of place play in the modern NFL game. I understand that it’s fun but would like to note that approximately 2.5 hours of the average NFL broadcast is already not fun and will not become so as a result of this change.

You want to know what kind of people a responsible for things moving slowly just for the sake of things moving slowly? Guys who are into two men screaming at each other and colliding for entertainment woops.

They’re dumb. I want to live in a future that includes my knees.

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Doktor Zymm

If you have any left over explosive gelatin can you make a really exciting jello mold dessert?

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BrettFavresColonoscopy

Part of me wants the Celtics to win it all in honor of Bill Russell but fuck that fan base, they didn’t deserve him (and were as racist towards him as you’d expect)

https://www.bostonglobe.com/2022/08/01/nation/1987-essay-by-bill-russells-daughter-detailed-racism-family-faced-mass/

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blaxabbath

Yeah — they don’t need it.

Boston Marathon Bomber 2 maybe…..

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scotchnaut

It’s behind a paywall for me but if memory serves he moved into an ‘exclusive’ neighborhood after he was signed to a contract worth $100,001. (because Wilt Chamberlain had recently signed the first contract that was worth $100,000-a story of extraordinary pettiness that isn’t often repeated) He received the ‘usual’ death threats and shunning that one would expect from rich white people in the suburbs.

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Horatio Cornblower

If an athlete of Bill Russell’s level moved into my neighborhood I’d be tickled shitless.

And also wonder if he got lost.

1
King Hippo

I can’t recall who it was, but it was a dude who grew up and went to college in the Deep South (like Alabama and Mississippi – so THE SOUTH). He was drafted by the Celtics, and the first week after moving in, a cop pulled him over for nothing and put a gun to his head.

Said Bahstahn was easily the most racist place he’d ever experienced.

1
scotchnaut

There’s a guy on YT that gives tutorials on what to do when you’re pulled over. Basically, place your open hands on the top of the steering wheel and ask for permission to access your license from your wallet or glove compartment. You know, like how you’d act if a toddler with a loaded pistol asked for ID.

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scotchnaut

Dee Brown is the winner!*

*actually, the loser

1
King Hippo

yup, that’s it. Think I read it in Sporting News, back when one still had actual, honest-to-fuck magazine subscriptions

1
scotchnaut

Inside Sports, Sport, Street and Smith, Sporting News, Parade(?) maybe? And of course Sports Illustrated…

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King Hippo

I had SI first, then TSN. I also cancelled SI first, because the quality of writing went down (though the photography remained excellent). I kept TSN all the way until they either quit publishing or quit in the weekly format.

2
scotchnaut

Oh Hey! I just remembered-there was a guy by the last name of Hollander that put out a paperback book every year that reviewed every NBA team’s chances and had an assessment of every single player that was on the roster.

2
King Hippo

Was it Athlon that did the “every D-1 conference” college football team recap/preview gazette each summer? I read the fuck out of that.

2
scotchnaut

Yes! Totally forgot about them!

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Doktor Zymm

Seems like it’s only dangerous to drive in the proximity of Jalen Carter if you’re already driving drunk and highly susceptible to peer pressure. They should ask about that on the driving test.

I wonder if Qaaron is getting leg cramps in his sleep and passing it off as an activity injury? It’s a super common aging thing. I bet his next injury is going to be a neck issue incurred while changing his socks.

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blaxabbath

He’s just sitting out. He’s a primma donna. Dude has lost it.

2
scotchnaut

“Many people are calling Rodgers stint with the Jets, ‘Performative Quarterbacking’. Others aren’t so sure. [Tucker Carlson’s replacement] will spoon feed you the answer, next, after the news.”

-Fox

1
blaxabbath

Do please let us know how the blast gel works. Lapping the yard, I’ve probably got about 5 stump bastards to destroy. None too sizeable (maybe green though) but quite inaccessible for equipment.

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BrettFavresColonoscopy

If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it 50 times: otters are evil–

https://www.vox.com/platform/amp/2014/4/24/5640890/otters-rape-baby-seals-monsters-bad

1
Doktor Zymm

They really are, and that excellent article only scratches the surface. There was one year where everyone was finding tons of headless birds around Monterey Bay because otters had decided that popping the heads off living creatures that they don’t eat was a super good time.

1
WCS

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King Hippo

yeah but how were them baby seals DRESSED, huh??

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