Alright folks, I’m going to level with you. Over the past three weeks, I’ve had my fair share of mishaps. First, I injured my back while trying to stop ToddlerZilla from dashing off impulsively into the streets. Then, three days ago, I slipped and tumbled down a concrete hill, leaving my left leg looking as purple as Barney the dinosaur, with what seems like a second knee cap beneath the real one. I’ve just taken some prescription meds for the pain, so let’s see how much I can get through before they knock me out.Now, let’s talk about the Miami Dolphins’ 2022 season:
The Miami Dolphins 2022 PREDICTION: 9-8, just miss the playoffs because the O-Line is so bad that Tua’s brain will work as well as Terri Schiavo’s by the end of the season.
2022 REALITY: 9-8, just made the playoffs and lost a close one to the Bills; Tua’s brain works as good as John Madden’s before he retired.
Wakezilla says: Take the over!
Now, let’s set aside my historical skepticism about the Dolphins, because this year feels different. This year, it’s all coming together, baby!
Starting with the defense, the Dolphins are almost as scary as Ron DeSantis running the state of Florida. Christian Wilkins is a stud and is the d-line’s leader. Jevon Holland is a 23 year old hoser who is already an excellent leader and communicator at safety. Games are won and lost in the middle of the field and Raekwon Davis is a bad, bad man with lots of untapped potential. Just like Marge Simpson, Bradley Chubb has a motor that just won’t quit. Jaelan Phillips has unlimited potential as an elite pass rusher. And I haven’t even gotten to Xavien Howard and Jalen Ramsey (who starts the season on IR). David Long will be a starting linebacker, and look at the football intelligence he has. When was the last time a Dolphins linebacker could do something like this?
DAVID LONG JR!!!!!!!! WHOAH!!!! #FinsUp pic.twitter.com/B9pUNjqU6j
— Big E (@ian693) August 19, 2023
On the offensive side, Miami is like a Hennessey Venom F5. – fast as hell and ready to put up points.
At quarterback, Hawaii’s own Tua Tagovailoa is under some hot ground with all the pressure he is under. However, he is ready to roll and has a slew of weapons to attack from out of nowhere. Don’t be shocked if he throws for over 5200 yards this season. How is that possible, you ask? Well, Tua has taken jiu-jitsu classes to learn how to fall safely, and it appears to be paying off.
Tua Tagovailoa purposely rolling to the ground instead of hitting his head on the turf. #FinsUp pic.twitter.com/gUnuh9q6AH
— Big E (@ian693) August 19, 2023
In the running back department, Miami plans to use a committee approach, featuring De’Von Achane (currently out with an injury), Myles Gaskin, Raheem Mostert, and possibly even Johnathan Taylor if the rumors are true. Miami aims to run the ball more to protect Tua and has plans for more quick screen passes.
The tight ends group, consisting of Higgins, Saubert, and Smythe, might not be elite, but they could surprise with defenses focusing more on the explosive wide receivers and pass-catching running backs.
Now, onto the cream of the crop – the wide receiver corps. Having Hill and Waddle on the same team almost seems unfair. If he isn’t already, Waddle will be considered the best WR2 in the league by season’s end. Braxton Berrios as WR3 is just the icing on the cake because he’ll capitalize on teams ignoring him to cover Hill and Waddle.
But now, my brain feels as foggy as Tua’s did after his third concussion last season. It’s time to discuss the elephant in the room: the offensive line.
Pray for Tua this season https://t.co/sA6W1fjrJ8
— Barstool Sports (@barstoolsports) August 9, 2023
Oh.
Oh! (Terron Armstead intends to be available for week 1).
And to make matters worse, Robert Jones is now sidelined with an MCL sprain. OH NO!
Prediction:
None drugged out Wakezilla is screaming 7-10 because the Dolphins can’t stay healthy. But just like Toddlerzilla, I’m going to ignore him.
Drugged out Wakey says the Dolphins are going 13-4 to win the AFC East. Tua is going to win the MVP, Hill is going to finish as the runner up after he finishes with 2000 receiving yards, and Jevon Holland is going to win the Defensive Player of the Year. Then, not only will Miami win their first playoffs game since 2000, but the Dolphins will win the Superb Owl, with Tua being named the MVP.
Fins up!
“DDUUUUUUUUVVVVAAAALLLLLLLLL!!! THEY’RE AIN’T ENOUGH ROOM IN THIS STATE FOR TWO DIVISION CHAMPS…
*takes a good look at the map of Florida*
ALRIGHT, I STAND CORRECTED, THERE IS ENOUGH ROOM IN THIS STATE FOR TWO DIVISION CHAMPS!!!”
“DUUUUVVAAAAAALLLLLLLLL”
Give it five years and there’s won’t be enough room, at least in terms of land.
Dolphins should be an interesting follow for a few months. Personally, I’m glad to see MIA taking a swing for relevance. If they win the SB this year, you might as well just wipe all that Brady/tampering nonsense off the record bc it’s clear that stunt was just part of their shotgun blast approach to trying to win — which is something I whole-heartedly endorse as a fan.
Hope springs eternal in the human breast:
Man never is, but always to be blest.
The soul, uneasy and confined from home,
Rests and expatiates in a life to come.
Bless your heart, Wakey!
“Someone say drugs??”
I am indeed very, very proud of Wakey.
Wakey you still livin in this fair city? If so and you ever want to head to a Cavs game or meet at the pub for some morning Saturday footy let me know.
Yes! Litre, I’ve been wanting to contact you.. It’s just been a tad hectic. Meeting up for some footy should be able to happen soon now that both mini Zillas are moving on from morning Kidstrong classes
LB David Long, formerly of TEN, is a helluva player. May he contribute mightily to this version of the Fins–which I like a lot. Mike McDaniel may be my fave head coach, hands down.
He broke down the play that I posted above. Unfortunately, it was in a link I couldn’t remember and was too lazy to find and to credit. He’s so intelligent about how can read the O-Line.
Great write up. If we can’t all be this all in on a team (even under the influence… no… lemme take that back… Especially under the influence) then just GTFOOH.
Couple weeks folks.
And to everyone doing these previews a no kidding thanks. I am enjoying them all. Like sushi on a warm lap.
Great googily moogily!
Hippo greatly enjoyed this preview and wants to know your source.
Of drugs, of course.
My family doctor was on vacation so the sub was this Scottish doctor who honestly came across as someone who finished last in their grad year. ha ha.