Good morning and welcome to the lab!

At the suggestion of our own Litre Cola, brother DJ TAJ and I decided, “Well why the fuck not?” and we ordered and consumed the new menu offering from KFC.

The “Chizza.” 

Pronounced “Cheat-za” this, uh thing, is another in a long line of “gimmick” foods from KFC. Much like Taco Bell – yet another “Yum Foods” brand – KFC is completely unafraid to throw random shit menu items at the wall to see what sticks.

Turns out to the surprise of exactly nobody that this motherfucker stuck.

Remember the caloric war crime that was the “Double Down?” This thing?

[Upon further research, turns out KFC has this abomination on the menu again as we speak]

This is proof positive that KFC gives exactly zero shits how you feel about insanely unhealthy calorie bombs being featured on their menu.

If you are willing to buy the damn thing, they are unabashedly willing to sell you the damn thing.

Obviously the “Chizza” is another fearless offering by the restaurant that formerly didn’t need to be named an acronym.

Our banner image up there shows you exactly what you are in store for if you’re willing to put aside calories and a very healthy amount of shame to order and consume this absurd Frankenstein Food Freakshow.

You get the goddamn picture. It’s a couple of fried chicken breasts topped with some marinara, shreds of mozzarella and a scattering of pepperoni slices.

The inspiration is obvious. One of those hybrid KFC/Pizza Hut combo restaurants had a couple of folks smoke massive amounts of weed and then proceeded to turn the ovens back on after the restaurants closed for the evening.

I will accept no other origin stories than that!

Undecided on a meal one random recent Saturday we discussed and gave a healthy “Fuck it” out loud and we ordered. 

Oh we ordered some regular chicken and sides too just in case of abject “Chizza” failure.

Here’s what we got after having it delivered.

The scattered pepperoni makes for a nice touch.

If you look close there are 2 slabs of chicken and those slabs are healthy slabs. That’s a great big wad of…”that” right there.

We split the order in half and dove in.

FOR SCIENCE!

Here’s my share.

Yep. It’s exactly as advertised. They didn’t go crazy with the marinara. In fact it’s barely even there. Pepperoni was standard issue. Not anything special or spicy, just kind of there. And the “mozzarella” cheese really didn’t do much of anything.

The chicken was damn solid though. I’m pretty sure it’s the same chicken breast that would go on their chicken sandwich.  It’s got some heft.

Honestly, I didn’t hate it. It was much better when still warm. I didn’t really get much marinara on mine. More of a “hint” of marinara. I don’t know if that is a YUM Brands kitchen decision or something that’s controlled by each franchise.

I will say that although it’s been over 20 years since I’ve had anything from Pizza Hut, this just felt like it was Pizza Hut marinara and mozzarella.

It was OK. Again, the chicken slab is a damn tasty piece of chicken.

For the record I DID NOT pick this up barehanded and try and eat it like a slice of pizza. That just sounds pretty goddamn stupid actually. I used a fork like a civilized fucking human.

For a gimmick food it was fine.

I would NOT order again. Not that it was terrible but if I’m crossing the KFC calorie Rubicon I’ll just order their regular fucking chicken thank you very much.

Take it away DJ TAJ!!!

Before we get started, I need to ask a question, do you have an unobstructed view of a chicken’s asshole from where you are?

Yes? Good, clarity is essential for this unhinged derangement.

What is that?

It’s chicken.

No really, what is it?

Seriously it’s a twist on chicken that the kids are all into, give it a try before you whine.

Well I’m grousing now for you see I did indeed give it a try. Probably should have tried the turd instead.

Where do bad ideas come from? The subconscious mind? That moment just before sleep takes you under? The realm of dreams? This one came from “Yeah Right” I have no thought on what happened in his world to force this mess on me.

Having sufficient alcohol to need sustenance the idea for fried chicken floated past.

THAT’S A NICE CHICKEN

“Hell yes I want some” I chirped.

How about KFC? Came the famished reply.

“Boogie, boogie” I added, “I’ll take a three piece with mashed and biscuit please.”

So YR orders up and I go back to watching Memphis get the crap kicked out of them yet again. What a waste of a promising season, great talent, just too many mistakes. Perhaps a new coach is finally in order. When knock on door disturbs reality.

Ooh chicken has arrived, super neato.

I get pushed out of the way and will be forced to wait my turn. When my time arrives YR says I grabbed something that some folks have been talking about and him being the “food” guy felt it necessary to give his opinion on said new dish so order one he did. In turn I got a shot at it also.

Let me try to describe what beheld my rapt attention.

The first thing noticed was a single slice of pepperoni sitting atop some (marinara?) sauce. Kind of looked like an eyeball floating in congealed blood. Then some slimy white goo that looked kind of like water cheese? Upon a piece of chicken breast this mess sat, for all to see, like it was not an detestation in any way, but it was.

I stopped saying no to trying new foods when I was very young, so I opened my maw and stuffed the atrocity right in, absolutely appalling. First thing I noticed was the sauce.

“This tastes like Pizza Hut!” I (barfed?) barked and everybody (buddy at work asked me when was the last time I had eaten there and I said I couldn’t remember, he said maybe I should try it again, so I kicked him in the pecker) everywhere knows that place sucks dead baby dumplings.

YR says it’s a new thing.

What is it?

It’s called The chicken shits or something. My mind just couldn’t comprehend what that bite did to my mouth, confusion reigned. That Goddamn sauce, Jesus, can still taste it. Piss shivered just writing that. The chicken that wasn’t turned into an abortion? Was very fresh and tasty.

Some misaligned mind came up with this dish, but who and better yet why? Maybe it just needed some ketchup.

To put simply, I hated it.

Now if you have tried this and enjoyed?  Please forgive my intrusions and preposterous utterances.

Yeah right here again, in final summation if you’re insistent on riding the Shame Train all the way to KFC station?

Stick with this instead.

See y’all next week!

PEACE!