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Saturday Night Off-season Open Thread 8

ballsofsteelandfury

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In these Off-season Open Threads, I’ll sum up the week that was, provide you with TMI-style information, and throw some random spaghetti at the wall and see if it sticks.

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My favourite time of year starts tonight. It’s Day One of the Stanley Cup Playoffs, the greatest tournament in all of sports, no matter how hard Gary Bettman tries to ruin it.

Everyone’s favourite team, the LA Kings, are going to try to capture their third Stanley Cup. They probably won’t get it, but they’ve improved tremendously over the last couple of years. I will be watching intently to see how they do.

I am hoping a decent performance this year will propel them further next year.

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Today, I played in a Tournament at my new golf club that I told you about last time. The one with the major international airline. I’ll let you know how it went on a future Balls Magazine post.

***

I’m continuing with Round 5 of my Iron Curtain workout program and doing well so far. I’m also incorporating some HIIT cardio on my off days to try to get back into cardio shape.

The first week was a bitch, but each subsequent week has gotten easier. I’ll have a Beach Body yet! To that end, I’m wearing less and less clothes on the weekends. Remember the DFO rule is No Pants unless forced to by work.

***

A list of Life Skills that I learned in High School that I don’t think are learned anymore by kids that age:

  • How to tap a keg
  • How to change a tire
  • How to play pool
  • How to make a mixed drink / bartend
  • How to drive a manual transmission car
  • How to play darts with a metal-tipped dart as God intended

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One more topic for discussion: Who do you think will win the Stanley Cup? NotTheLeafs is a perfectly acceptable answer.

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Your weekly Psych gif:

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Your weekly hot girl pic:

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Your weekly music video:

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I’m assuming there are other sports on tonight, but honestly I don’t care.

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Mr. Ayo

Folks, we are just over 1 hour until the next F1 race! Will Verstappen win? Of course!

Can Mercedes have 1 car in the top 10? Doubtful!

Will Ferrari trip over their own dicks? No, that was last year’s theme.

So what should you watch for? ALONSO! Ole Fred (that’s his nickname, I’m not going to explain it here) is the oldest driver on a nepo team (Stroll owns the team, his son is the other driver on the team and is super slow), but the intrigue here is FRED is starting 3rd along side Lando Norris. Now Lando is a great story, and great person by all accounts, and in a better car. So the fun here is which of them finish on the podium.

Anyway, tune in and watch with me.

2
ballsofsteelandfury

My burning question: Were Mr. And Mrs. Norris big Star Wars fans or too chickenshit to call him Charles?

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Mr. Ayo

Siblings: Cisca Norris, Oliver Norris, Flo Norris

Absolutely chickenshit parents

1
Mr. Ayo

Holy shit, Yao Ming is a giant

1
Mr. Ayo

I have to admit, as boring as it is, having Perez in 2d is the satisfying. Again, the joy is watching from 3d on down in the order.

1
Mr. Ayo

And of course, the Virtual Safety Car has changed everything. Well, not the top two of course, but everyone behind them.

1
Mr. Ayo

Full Safety Car has further fucked all the strategies. To not detriment to the top two Red Bulls of course.

1
Mr. Ayo

Also, fuck safety cars. That’s 15 minutes of my life I won’t get back

1
Brick Meathook

Here’s a self-portrait of myself (the only kind of self-portrait worth taking) in case some of you wondered what I look like:

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Mr. Ayo

Wow, you’re really great at photography

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2Pack

I’m no doctor, but this might work for a stroke also.

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ballsofsteelandfury

It’s my method

1
2Pack

Well it goes without saying (so he will say it) that since learning to drive a manual transmission vehicle is a lost skill, knowing how to push start one is ancient folklore.

3
Gumbygirl

I had a car in Scotland that frequently needed a push start. Scottish guys are verra helpful for that, there always seemed to be a couple around whenever I needed them.

3
2Pack

I had to help a Romanian guy with 3 dancers, dressed in tight short dresses and high heals. It was 6 in the morning and I ran by, he had the hood up and looked at me like he needed help. I guess they let the battery die sitting at this popular overlook listening to the radio. He didn’t know how to pop the clutch so he asked me to do it. Then he roughly demanded all the lap dancers get out and help push. I so wish I had a picture of that.

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Brick Meathook

I hate when that happens.

3
yeah right

To this DAY I always park facing down hill.

2
2Pack

A pro Tip worth knowing. Also, never buy shoes in the morning. Us old dudes know these things.

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ballsofsteelandfury

That’s a GREAT tip! I wonder if people understand the reason why…

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Mr. Ayo

Never heard of that. But in my research I did find this, which has caused considerable swelling.

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2Pack

Yeah basically your feet swell as the day goes on. You are about a size larger at the end of the day.

1
Mr. Ayo

Not what my past girlfriends claim.

1
Brick Meathook

Also tie an onion to your belt.

1
blaxabbath

I started the hawaii house hunt in official (not too be confused with full) effect. I take notes, not photos, so the most worthwhile image I have to share is below and that’s only because I’ve never been able to understand the stoke FAST stuff (T = [Time to] Call 9-1-1? STFU).

Rather than just going, “when you see someone, as you know it, ‘stroking out’ just call 9-1-1.” They MADE IT MORE COMPLICATED!

The BE FAST for Stroke campaign is the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim of PSAs.

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Last edited 2 years ago by blaxabbath
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Gumbygirl

This made zero sense to me. WAIT, AM I HAVING A STROKE?

Nope.

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blaxabbath

When you give me a list of six things, I better see three of them before this is anything more than a case of a “busted labia, pussy.”

And that’s why it is a mistake to make one of the six things, ME Calling 9-1-1.

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Gumbygirl

Yeah, I get it. If it’s the speech difficulty one, you’d have to insist they say Saskatoon Sasketchewan or something funny like that, mostly for the lulz, before anyone is a buzzkill and calls the EMT’s.

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Senor Weaselo

Sounds like it’s time for a best/worst HS/college mixed drink idea:

I’ve enjoyed a Commie Bastard. (Mountain Dew Code Red & vodka). Less good was what I called a Volt Tackle (Mountain Dew Voltage & vodka).

0
ballsofsteelandfury

Mountain Dew with any alcohol is a wonderful idea

0
Senor Weaselo

Except gin. That’ll fuck you up, which I unfortunately know from experience. (Not mine, but Hermana Weaselo’s.)

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Brick Meathook

Mountain Dew with alcohol and firearms is always a winning combination.

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blaxabbath

Agent Zero Did the Dew.

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BallsofLacrosseAndMapleSyrup

I’ve always liked regular Mountain Dew with vodka. this was before the Canadian version was just green caffeine. Not sure I could handle that much caffeine

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Gumbygirl

Vodka and Squirt is prettay damn good.

1
BugEyedBoo

Didn’t have a name – pink lemonade kool-ade and grain alcohol. I have memories of being draped over the porch railing by my mom’s boyfriend, barfing my guts out.

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Gumbygirl

Grape koolaid and grain was called Purple Jesus back in the day.

3
yeah right

Vodka and warm German wine was not a good idea.

1
Gumbygirl

It’s practically a French 75, except it’s disgusting.

1
Mr. Ayo

VODKA!

Never had it in high school though. Instead I learned to never ever drink Goldschlager again.

1
yeah right

That’s a pretty goddamn good rule of thumb.

1
Brick Meathook

My first concert. My mom drove me there.

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7
yeah right

That is special.

3
herodotus450

Maple Leafs are losing, that’s good!
Bruins are winning, that’s bad.
Maple Leafs are losing, that’s good!
Bruins are winning, that’s bad.
Maple Leafs are losing, that’s good!
Bruins are winning, that’s bad.
//help
Maple Leafs are losing, that’s good!
Bruins are winning, that’s bad.
Maple Leafs are losing, that’s good!
Bruins are winning, that’s bad.

2
BallsofLacrosseAndMapleSyrup

Fuck the Leafs

2
BugEyedBoo

What do we mean by ‘mixed drink’? It seems like there’s a continuum from Run and Coke to Tequila Sunrise to some of the things we see on Friday afternoon. I mean, shit, I still don’t know what’s in a Manhattan.

As for some of the other things on the list? I’m not convinced my daughter’s boyfriend has ever lifted anything heavier than a fork.

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ballsofsteelandfury

I think anything with more than two ingredients would be considered a “mixed drink”. Rum and Cokes, 7 & 7s, Gin n Juice are all pretty easy to make.

Last edited 2 years ago by ballsofsteelandfury
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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Actually, according to the interwebs, a “mixed drink” consists of two ingredients, whereas a cocktail must consist of at least three. But all the things you listed are absolutely mixed drinks.

0
herodotus450

I still don’t know what’s in a Manhattan.

About 4 million Puerto Ricans!!!

4
Senor Weaselo

They like to be in America.

1
rockingdog

Found a funny:

billboard: hey look at me
me: can’t I’m driving
billboard: come on look
me: eyes on the road
billboard: pls it’s important
me: fine what is it
billboard: drive safely lol

10
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

How to make a mixed drink / bartend

This is the only one I take issue. The only “mixed drinks” that high school kids should be consuming are Snapple/Gatorade and whatever liquor they managed to get their hands on.

1
ballsofsteelandfury

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DJ TAJ

Elaine Thompson took my hand and pulled me towards my future saying you have to try this, I did, freshman year in high school, 1975

7
BugEyedBoo

Damn, Taj, how old are you? 106?

(Class of ’79)

4
yeah right

Proud class of 1979 raising a toast to you good sir!

2
Gumbygirl

I’m pretty sure Taj is Class of ’78, like me and the Gumbster.

1
yeah right

You would be 100% correct.

1
Brick Meathook

Class of ’80 rules.

2
Gumbygirl

We used to give you guys swirlies.

3
Brick Meathook

And we liked them.

3
DJ TAJ

Where am I?

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3
Gumbygirl

Under an old roller coaster.

3
DJ TAJ

Step right up and claim your Kewpie Doll young lady, that is one heck of a guess!

I would tell you but it’s for a a story shooting down the pike.

1
LemonJello

You’re at the old content mines! Don’t let OSHA catch you there!

6
Doktor Zymm

Kids today are very supervised, they don’t get to learn that sort of thing because they might hurt themselves. Quite a few don’t even learn to drive the exact minute they’re legally allowed to because they’re happy having their parents drive them around. No wonder they’re all anxious, they’ve been taught that everything will kill or maim them.

3
Senor Weaselo

Hey, I didn’t fuck up the 2nd violin solo in Metamorphosen like I did yesterday in rehearsal! And with that,

/Walks in with Knicks bandana around wing-wang and Timbs

YERRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

4
DJ TAJ

Mr Pickle says ?

Mr Pickle.jpg
5
yeah right

I have a date appropriate question for the crowd.

In what year did you first smoke weed?

I’ll go first.

1978

2
LemonJello

I have never partaken of the Devil’s Lettuce.

1
yeah right

Well I’ll be damned.

2
Gumbygirl

Never once? Wow. Want some?

3
LemonJello

That’s how it starts. First one’s free…tell your friends.

2
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

You’ll be cool if you do it.

3
Gumbygirl

Go ask Alice.

2
BallsofLacrosseAndMapleSyrup

I’ve never smoked it. Had some editables, does that count?

2
yeah right

Judge Mills will allow.

0
Gumbygirl

1974.

3
yeah right

It was a festival at Angel Stadium.
Sammy Hagar.
Van Halen – their first big festival ever
Black Sabbath
Boston

I had no chance. I was 17.

2
Gumbygirl

It was the fall of ’74, my sister was a freshman at Pitt and we were at the apartment of some guy she got her weed from. He had a couple of crates of albums, and I sat on the floor and put them in alphabetical order and played DJ. One of the records I played was 12 Dreams of Dr. Sardonicus. It’s amazing I still remember that. Fuck, it was almost 50 years ago!

2
Gumbygirl

The guy’s name was Jeff Fear. My sister’s roommate was Sherry Berry. I can’t remember what I had for dinner last night, but I remember that!

2
yeah right

That’s a good memory pull.

As a computer guy I think of it as pulling an old disk pack that’s like 6 feet tall and walking it to the main frame. Then plugging it in. Activate VSE Power.
Load in the background segments first.
Then load in VTAM and VSAM and kick start this motherfucker and see what she’ll do!

1
Gumbygirl

It’s more like the squirrels in my head kicked over an old suitcase and it spilled out with the dirty underwear and mildewed bathing suit.

3
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

1993 or thereabouts. My junior year of high school – we smoked in the park and then went to a dance. I was pretty blazed and had a pretty great time.

2
BugEyedBoo

’75 or ’76? The date is kind of hazy for some reason.

3
Mr. Ayo

1995

2
Doktor Zymm

1998 I think

2
Senor Weaselo

2011? I remember hanging out with my boys and we were playing the Scott Pilgrim video game.

3
blaxabbath

2000 or 2001?

I wasn’t cool. But I did spend a lot time alone running in the desert.

2
yeah right

I’m thinking the Rangers for the cup this year.

Bastards.

Think I’ll join you kooky kids for this 420 thing.

Hiya folks!

3
ArmedandHammered

That banner image has caused me to hurriedly propel myself from the Marika bandwagon.

1
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

You’re not alone.

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