I don’t fucking feel like in-depth writing (fuck off, world and everything in it), so here is a list of weekend European Euros matchups and a half-assed thought on each:

Don T: But first hi, HI. The King opened the floor to write about the European Euros and with me being high on life and a bit disoriented, yeah. Let’s do it. This is relatively new stuff I’ve seen on the 2024 Euros:

-Two teams playing and then both celebrating after the game ends, definitely new thing. It happened in Slovakia 1 : 1 Romania. Dueling, real celebrations with hamming and showboating and exuberance and everything, none of that sober sportsmanship handshakes and unemotional crap. This was because of the

-Biggest Group Play Shaftening: Ukraine.

It had to happen to a country fighting a war of invasion at home, which seems graver than an NFL wild card runner-up having a better record than the winner of the NFL South divisions. Falling to 4th place eliminated Ukraine, no matter the points. This is the sort of 100% automatic application of a clear rule that seems fair in theory, until the worst-case scenario materializes. And as long as fútbol continues its abhorrent practice of outlawing attorneys from whatabouting knockout seedings on behalf of countries, there will be injustices galore. Galore!

Truth be told, the last 15 minutes of SLO : ROM seemed a bit collusion-y, a tiny smidge collusion-y. Mmhumm.

-Only team captains may bitch to the Ref about calls, or it’s a yellah. This is a new thing, and I like it. I don’t remember a player being on the ref’s face ever being effective or entertaining. This keeps the action brisk and is amusing when a total whiner like Cristiano Ronaldo is team captain.

Ballsy: ¡Hola! A mi también me dieron oportunidad de agregar mis opiniones. Eso de sólo hablar con los capitanes es una idea genial. Ya era hora.

-Shit thrown on the field: In old videos (for example, the ’78 Mundial in Argentina), you could see the players going through toilet paper, blackjacks, used condoms, and other stuff thrown on the field. 1993, flares get banned, again. Then for a while nothing happened–until now, Euro 2024. In almost every corner kick, you can see cups being thrown and several on the pitch. Buffalo, NY, it’s now up to you to export the dildo toss. Well, the dildo toss IP; there’s gotta be plenty of fake dicks at the Germany Euros right now.

-It’s raining, men. Is it me or has there been rain in most games? I don’t remember seeing much gaffes brought about the weather. I expected to see a wet ball going through a keeper’s hands. Still waiting. In sum, rain’s fine, not awesome or nuthin’–yet.

-The Serbs were offended by the chant “Kill, kill, kill, kill the Serb” and heh, threatened [snickers] to withdraw from

Stop it! Aaaaah. 😅 Anyway, the Serbs played on and left the Euros for vanilla fútbol reasons, not snowflakiness. A happy ending: the Serbs’ image* remains intact.

*Mass murderers to be burned about that until fielding an interesting or successful fútbol team. Why can’t you be like those nice German Volk?

-O.G.Palooza: Own gosls up every wazoo! Though I have the feeling that we’ve been here before. 2018 Russia Mundial? May check later.  Anyway, own goals wooo! I like ’em.

[lights extra incense on Bielsa shrine]

Switzerland v. Italy (Noon, FS1)

King Hippo: I don’t particularly care for either side, but at least the Eye-Ties gave us a moment of magic, salvaging their lives on matchday 3 with the very last kick of the ball.

Don T: For the Swiss in Euro 2024, Shaqiri already scored his goal–look away, Scotland fans:

With this, Switzerland burned out all of its potential flair at fútbol. Italy has yet to impress offensively, and will not in this game. This is a perfect game to have in the background while filling out expense reports or doing other dull but necessary work. The tWBS goes to Italy, 1-0 after a quick counter of a Swiss errant pass.

Ballsy: Italia va a ganar feo. Yo digo 1-0 y TWBS se ríe entre dos baristas.

Germany v. Denmark (3:00, Fox)

King Hippo: Home-team Krauts get the butch side of the draw, but at least they won’t have to worry about missing out on the Flacco Eight.

Don T: I read somewhere that the German coach, whatshisname former Bayern guy (Needleman?), has been the best coach of the Euros. Still, Germany is hawt, can confim. I saw Denmark’s first two group games. I was unimpressed, leaning towards apathy. Now I’m angry that they went to the knockouts. GER 2 : 1 DEN (on O.G. Danes can’t even score on a Middle School. At soccer. You’re fucking sick.).

Ballsy: Alemania va a ganar este torneo. Es obvio. La única pregunta es cuántos goles anotarán. Yo digo que hoy meten 3.

Inglen v. Slovakia (Sunday Noon, Fox)

King Hippo: Oh boy howdy, is this ever gonna be a shitty match.  Cuck LioUns will get a first half goal, then hide up their own arseholes the rest of the way.

Don T: To sum up: England has the 2024 scorer of the year in the Bündesliga (Kane), the 2024 Player of the Year in Spain (Bellingham), and the 2024 Player of the year in the EPL (Foden). And yet, England play… It’s an insult to the word “play”, which implies games, fun, diversions–everything that is the opposite of the nervy, tight, stressful, and fearful performances to date. In the last Euros, Luis Enrique’s Spain faced a serious dry spell. Luis Enrique said his players were talented and all they needed was one goal, and the rest would flow thereafter “like cava”. Well England’s wines suck and if they wanna play scared, fuck them.

Slovakia defeated Belgium 1-0, the Belsh being another “It” team with high expectations but crappy on the pitch. I think Englen will play looser AND suffer for it, and revert to blah. ENG 1 : 1 SLO (Englen advances on PKs).

Ballsy: Inglaterra tiene el peso del mundo encima de ellos. Es como si las novias les están constantemente diciendo, “¿Porque no te pones duro? ¿Ya no me quieres?” Demasiada presión. O pierden hoy o pierden en el próximo juego, pero van a perder.

Spain v. Georgia (Sunday 3:00, Fox)

King Hippo: I was looking forward to this one, before seeing that Espana beat the Fightin’ Stalins 7-1 earlier this year.  In Tblisi..

Austria is really the only hope for anything legitimately fun to watch and get behind.

Don T: Around halftime of the game against Italy, I recanted on my Spain hate and underestimation. Right now, España is the best watch at the Euros. I’ve seen all three Georgia games. In the first game, against Turkey, Jawja was playing back and careful and shit, until the got scored on 1-0 at 25′. Then Georgia loosened and attacked the rest of the game, the 3-1 being on an empty netter. Georgia plays to score and to win. The recent 2-0 win was against Poutugal B+, but half the second team of POR is pretty damn good. But yeah, it was a low stakes game for POR. This game will be great. ESP 3 : 2 GEO. Thanks Hippo!

Ballsy: No hay quinto malo.

King Hippo: As for Los Euros Sudamericano, there are two legitimate, pretty badass teams (Uruguay, Colombia) and a whole fuckton of fucking dross.  Murrika’s weather, empty cavernous stadia, and stupid teeny pitches don’t help matters none.  I really don’t care. so long as Bielsa sends Team USA out of el torneo.

Ballsy: Uruguay es el mejor equipo de este torneo. Tal vez sean el mejor equipo en el mundo ahorita. Va a ser sorpresa si pierden un juego. ¡Más les vale que le ganen a Estados Unidos!