Muy buenos días, ladies and degenerates, minors without parental supervision, sociopaths all. I will be subbing this AM because King Hippo picked this weekend to cram all the continuing Donks re-education courses, per Sean Payton’s overhaul of the franchise into a constitutional theocracy. Hippo showed me some Powerpoint slides, and I’ll say this: it’s a tad much replacing the Holy Trinity with “WalMart, Sean Payton, and Sean Payton”. Still, I think Kevin James would make a personable Jesús. Pair him with a waaay over His league Mary Magdalene and oh my god why the hell am I talking about anything that is not fútbol right now?

Folks, we are at the zenith of the Summer of Soccer (copyright Steel & Fury Inds. Ltd.). Yesterday was WOW. A brief recap.

Bow to Canada

This is how the 2026 World Cup hosts have done so far. México, done. What a mess. Total goal tally, one, against Jamaica. The rest was an extremely sorry showing that sank into the quiet quitting against a very chill Ecuador in the last group game. In a gif, Estimado El Tri:

Turning to the U.S.A., 🤮. The 2024 Copa América host started with a 2-0 win against Bolivia, which was good—but also, the climax. In the second game, against Panamá, Timothy Weah got a red car at 18’ for a blow to the head so blatant that not even a Mexican player would have tried it. For a must-win against Uruguay B, the U.S.A. could not do much and got eliminated with Pulisic acting like a whiny widdle beatch. No gif for the U.S.A. Beyond pathetic.

As to Canada,

Oh yeah, there’s lotsa Canada love. Canada lost to Argentina in the first game 2-0. Then Canada defeated Perú 1-0 and tied with Chile, which is more than respectable considering that Canada was the only CONCACAF nation* shafted with being in a group with three Suramericanos—including the current World Champion and Chile (no slouch; Chile won two of the last three CopaS América).
*Ed. Note: Costa Rica too. (See? I’m not drunk. Yet.)

Yeah, Canada got only one goal on the group stage. Know who’s also gotten a lot of mileage out of only one group stage goal? France, at the 2024 Euros. And that was on a penalty!

And then there was yesterday, Canada v. Venezuela in the quarterfinal. Venezuela is no slouch; it tied Brazil IN BRAZIL in December of last year and is fourth in the 10-team South American Mundial qualifying table. Winning in penalties to reach a Copa América semifinal is Big Deal times two. The semifinal will be the rematch, Canada vs. Argentina, and ARG don’t look fearsome at all, despite getting a Candy Land route towards the final (against BRA, COL or URU). I think the Canada wave is strong. Bow to the true king of CONCACAF.

Unless Panamá beats Colombia, by which time I expect to walk out the door and see pigeons mating with cats. And that’s all I’ll say about the Copa América because I don’t wanna dickstep on Balls’s evening post, to which I am really looking forward. Will there be another spite banner pic? Je jeje. Pasemos a Europa.

España, Giver of Life

I’m on record re, hating the Spanish on account of conquest and racism. But I have also praised Spain for really nailing down the way to live a chill and sybaritic life, plus giving the world Spanish, the most wonderful of languages (second most wonderful: fan

, via here). Add to the “good” list, national fútbol team.

Spain delivers, especially in results, but very especially on quality. As has been tradition in this century, most of Spain’s players are built like strong middle schoolers who are fucking everywhere on the pitch. The current version has several actual kids (including with braces ffs!) who nevertheless always seem to be on the right place at the right time. This time around, in the 2024 Euros, these españolitos seem more interested in looking to score than to play the maddening keep-away that was the signature of the champion Spanish teams.

Yesterday at Germany, Spain moved the ball at will in most of regular time, not scoring more against Germany because Manuel Neuer is still a freekin’ giant at the position. Germany’s tying goal at the end of regulation was expected, given the way GER kept on hammering the Spanish defense plus, you know, traditional Deutsche voodoo. But you saw both teams and the contrast was clear: Spain was busy and focused, never rattled or much rushed. Just playing their game, professionally, at a very high level. I knew Spain would not play for pennos at extra time, and I have the time-stamped text to my cuz as proof 😇.

Said it before, I say again: Spain is must-watch. Which is great because

France: What a God Damned Eyesore

France is an undeniable soccer power and may just win the Euros doing a late-period Floyd Mayweather: frustrate your opponent, take the easy stuff only. France has played five games and only conceded one goal, a penalty against Poland. Griezmann, usually Superman when wearing Les Bleus, looks shot. The only chance of flair by France is for Mbappé to get inspired, but he’s developed a Cyrano-like obsession with his own nose. As to Poutugal,

The web slobberwads did their overpraising as to Cristiano (39) and Pepe (41), [spits on ground], and I add: Pepe played like a man on fire, meastly. Cristiano also played like a man on fire, but the helpless, waving arms, wailing “AAAIIIEEE” type of man on fire. The kowtowing to CR7 by the coach and fellow players was evident and sickening, given Cristiano’s very reduced role as a kinda-roving jogger who hung around the opponent’s box and din’t do D, be it “defense” or “dick on offense”.

2024 Euro Quarter Finals

 All times Central

11:00 AM – ENGLAND v. SWITZERLAND

The Swiss blew away Hungary in the first group game 3-1 and from there on, meh. The Swiss defeating 2-0 that Italy team in the knockouts was good, but only technically an accomplishment.

England, on the other hand, were bleh the whole tournament until Bellingham tied Slovakia with a wonder strike four minutes into injury time in the second half. And there were strong “flow like cava” vibes from Englen after Harry Kane got off his own personal slump and scored a minute into extra time. In the scorecard, the goals go like this:

Kane 91’

Bellingham 90’ + 5’

I’m glad tWBS did not live to see this clock insanity because it would have killed him out of frustration and acid reflux. But I think we can all agree that, currently, Slovakia is ground zero of “This fucking sport WHYYYY?!”. But enough digresh.

The game’s at Düsseldorf Arena, home of the flying beer cup, and the ref will be the Italian skinny guy who looks old on standard definition TV.

Predicción: ENG 2 : 1 SWI

2:00 PM – HOLLAND v. TURKEY

I did not believe in reincarnation. Then I got high and identified my dream reincarnations. If animal, a clam; if human, a Turkish diplomat, on post at NATO, the European Union, the European Parliament, etc. Speaking publicly on behalf of Turkey, I would insert the phrase “Just the tip” at every European continental forum. Surely that bit will be a winner with Hungarians and male Italians. Heh, “the”.

The only other reason I like Turkey it’s because it is a team of hotheads. And with the Dutch being infamous malcontents as well, I’d say this game has a 75% chance of blood. In and out of the pitch; Dutch and Turkish ultras are top five in Europe in stadium contraband flares and knives (source: Racial Stereotype Quarterley). I’m just excited to see this one.

Predicción: NED 3 : 2 TUR, five yellow cards.

And this is just half of a dynamite quadruple bill. I may take off my robe, but there’s no way I’m leaving the house today. Woo, hoo.

Gifs from giphy.com. I think I love too much the beaver gif.