Draaaaank: Tuesday Open Thread

I enjoy a good cocktail. I enjoy a good red wine. I really enjoy a good beer. But these are times that call for the strongest of Strong Drink.

Whether you are a Yankees fan staring down an ignominious sweep at home, a Jets or Giants fan needing something to get you through the six months before you draft a QB, or just a New Yorker trying to ignore the creeping realization that there are literally a hundred other American cities where you could live and not have to deal with 8 million other New Yorkers, sometimes you need to drown your New Yorkness in hard alcohol.

Sorry. Just spent three days driving in NYC and I’m still healing.

AAAANYWAY, you may be looking to stock up for the six day gauntlet between Halloween and Election Night. Here are some recommendations:

HALLOWEEN: Monkey Shoulder!

Our old friend. Relatively cheap, very cheerful, plus “Do you want to touch my Monkey?” is a great Halloween party come-on line.

NOVEMBER 1: ROKU GIN!

I don’t like gin. For all the rhapsodizing my friends do about how different is can be because of different botanicals, they still fall on my taste spectrum from “Pine-Sol” to “Endust”.

But I liked this one. Not enough to drink more than a pour, but it was good. November 1 always struck me as a day of solemn meditation on the gathering darkness of Fall, and so maybe a self-limiting drink is appropriate.

NOVEMBER 2: MALÖRT!

Yeah, all that stuff about solemn meditation? Fuck that. It’s time your tongue learned the depths of your self-hatred that your liver has known for years.

You have to work to get drunk solely on malört. It takes Committment. Be steadfast- you’re upregulating your physiology for the trial to come.

NOVEMBER 3: Marie Duffau Napoleón Armagnac

Cognac is the one that gets all the attention, but a good armagnac is hard to beat. Betting Jefferson was ripped on this stuff while drafting up the Declaration of Independence.

NOVEMBER 4: Fortaleza Anejo Tequila

Straight tequila gets a bad rap in the US as a “drinking as a performative act” beverage- either you’re downing it to get drunk fast or (if you’re a single woman) to show how Fun and Free-Spirited you are. But good tequila can be sipped for enjoyment AND to get blitzed. This one is a little Fancy, but delicious and (clocking in at a very reasonable 40% ABV) will give your liver a brief respite before:

NOVEMBER 5: Dealer’s Choice!

I will likely rotate through a couple as the night progresses, the quality varying in response to the election returns. But since it is also Guy Fawkes Night, I will likely start with this fine fellow and watch V for Vendetta to remember the comfortable, cozy days when we all thought The Halliburton Presidency was as bad as it was gonna get.

NFL NEWS:

–Richardson OUT! Flacco IN! The 4-4 Colts, faced with an emminently winnable AFC South and a quarterback with accuracy stats on par with Imperial stormtroopers, decided to bench Anthony Richardson in favor of Joe Flacco. I get it- Richardson’s completing only 44% of his passes this year. He’s also facing conditioning and “mental toughness” questions after he took himself out of the game for fatigue in a very winnable division game against Houston. All in all, he’s looking like what we expected last year: an extremely raw but talented player who is not ready for the NFL game and should not be starting yet. We all got blindsided by his brief-but-bright start before his injury last year. If this were baseball, Richardson would be sent to the minors to work on his mechanics. Since the Colts can’t send him back to college, this is the next best thing.

-Stefon Diggs’ two touchdown catches against said Clots will be his last for the year, and possibly his last with the Texans. His right ACL noped out like…well, like Diggs after four years with a team. He’s going to be a 31 year old free agent next year, and I wish him luck in New Jersey.

-Dionte Johnson finds himself moving up in the world, paroled from Carolina and on his way to Baltimore. Johnson and a sixth round pick are on their way to the Ravens in exchange for a fifth. Given how the teams are likely to finish, the Panthers effectively move up 10-12 draft sports. Another sterling performance from the Carolina front office.

-Charvarious Ward lost his little girl. Keep them in your thoughts.

WHAT ARE WE WATCHING:

Great British Baking Show. No, it’s not the gentle delight that it was in the Sue-Mel-Mary Berry days, but it still fills a niche in my dark little twisted soul that I didn’t know was there. Watch contestants actively helping each other is just good television.