Upon popular request (wait, is Spam popular???)
I had intended to do a longer piece explaining some of Lesser Footy’s HippoSPEEK. But I had too much stupid work to do this week, and my mind is forked beyond recognition. Hate week, though. I do have time and hate in my heart for The Satan’s Taint Licking Redshite.
By which, I mean Liverpool. You know, that “tourist/plastic Club” that every member of England’s footy media feel the need to fellate, every second of every day. One might gesture indignantly towards tomorrow’s Owl, when Dreamboat will no doubt fellate BOTH himself and Mahomes every other sentence. But Liverpool are really worse than the P*ts and Chefs COMBINED. Really, they are U*NC on steroids.
Obnoxious? Check. Head-patting condescention towards “little clubs?” Oh, fucking CHECK. An unwarranted smug sense of superiority, because every Norweigan Wal-Mart carries their stupid “Standard Chartered” red kit?
Oh, you get the point. The coloUrs are just a little reversed, like how they use “red” for lefty political parties (unlike our use for the New Brownshirts).
Maybe not my best Evertonian memory…but DEFFO Top Five…Steven Gerrard falling flat on his arse, costing his team a result that would keep them from winning the League. Slippy G’s next trip to Goodison featured this on the stadium PA:
They call us “Bitter Blues” like that is such a cutting insult. FUCKIN’ A RIGHT I AM BITTER.
Anyway, Liverpool can fuck off, and I will start watching general Prem footy again once they aren’t sleepwalking to the easiest Title in history. Today? Enjoy rando FA Cup action on ESPN+, especially Toffees/Cherries at 10 EST.
…
“And what the fuck is up with measuring your height? I know how goddamned tall I am!” – Doug Martin
“But you do get a lollipop after its all done!”
-Eli Manning
Owls are space aliens
Reminder, birds aren’t real.
They all live in Wyoming, which also isn’t real
Makes sense. The burrow owls certainly know what the queers are doing to the soil to build landing strips for gay Martians.
“Interesting. Have you ever had nocturnal dreams of compromising your local, state and/or your federal governments?”
-future question on a civil service entrance exam
What an odd looking bird…
Obviously you’ve never been to Singapore mate…
J. Sparrow, CPT
I really am thinking about advising at least one of my daughters to get a handgun and pratice shooting regularly. Problem is, the other two have certain impulsivity/RAGE tendencies, so I wouldn’t give them the same advice. Seems like HippoDad would be asking for trouble.
So, last night I said something about being a quisling for our machine overlords. I was incorrect, I will be “good life”. Who gets the reference?
*raises hand*
Not me!
I do not, but quisling is a most excellent word and should be used as often as possible.
I used it in class yesterday to describe 51st Staters in Canada.
THIS LOAD OF LAUNDRY I JUST WASHED I CALL IT DATE NIGHT IN BEN SHAPIRO’S HOUSEHOLD BECAUSE NOT EVERYTHING THAT WAS SUPPOSED TO GET WET ACTUALLY DID.
I love Singapore, but not sure I could handle having this be the weather year round.
“If you think this weather is constant year-round, YOU MIGHT BE LIVING IN A SIMULATION!”
-Jeff Foxworthy, adapting to the times
As someone that barely follows the footy, I assumed that it was Man United that was most hated, but will hate these guys too
They were when Fergie and Rooney were there. It has transitioned a bit.
–Transitioned a bit. Caitlin J.
Two of my best sports predictions?
2007-told my heavy gambling bean sprout supplier that he should take the Giants to beat the spread and to double down on the money line. (the amount of money he put on those bets after listening to my advice made my head spin)
2015-told all my buddies on the Troy Nunes Syracuse basketball site that the only team that could beat undefeated Kentucky was Wisconsin.
Hope you got some free sprouts out of the tip!
I was gifted a massive bottle of very expensive scotch, the cost of which was far less than 1% of what he won. That he thought to give me anything surprised me.
In grad school, I was kicked out of the Geography and Geology Department’s annual NCAA Tournament bracket challenge after winning twice in a row (2007 and ’08).
“Other people want to win.”
Guess those pinko-commie-terrorists HAET WINNING like SOY BOY CUCK SNOWFLAKES
DEI Tournament bracket.
https://midbaynews.com/post/rocky-bayou-christian-school-teacher-arrested-accused-of-molestation
Hey, another GOD FEARIN PATRIOT who just WANTS TO KEEP THEM GEYS AWAY FROM KIDS can’t stay away from kids.
Stop me if you’ve seen projection and awfulness before.
Under twelve — yeesh man.
Is Matt Gaetz looking for a wingman?
Why are so many dudes so bad at using airplane lavs? It’s not difficult, you put the lid down and press a button.
I prefer to pee outside on the beach.
A true surfer pees in his wetsuit.
I’ve never worn a wetsuit. Maybe one day when I go out for Big Wavestm.
Would I need one to surf MX? We’re going to Puerto Villarta next weekend for my neighbors wedding and i saw they have the New Blax Addiction (crack is so 80’s). Why PV? We can’t see any other time we’d visit so….
“I’ve Never Worn A Wetsuit” is the name of my Ben Shapiro substack.
The internet says that water temperature is 75°, so you definitely won’t need anything more than a rashguard.
Previous Occupant, dramatization:
Because most people are idiots
“How would anyone know it’s me?”
I giggle the folding door back and take my seat, awaiting the pre-flight briefing.
I always make sure to leave like some pretty lady will be waiting next at the door… and greatly appreciate my chivalry.
Agree to disagree, I guess.
WAKE UP any decent, caring human now say Bag Experiencing Douchery smh
GFieribag fits!
Pour one out for the last coach to win the old NFC Central
“Jauron was hands-on, out of the box problem solver. Last Monday his agent told him work on increasing his Q rating and, well, you know…”
It’s going to be exciting to see who else besides Dick Jauron is on Ginny McCaskey’s list of servants that have been designated to accompany her to the afterworld.
TIL-Virginia and Qin Shi Huang had an long-standing bet as to who could assemble the largest Terracotta Army.
“Where’s his AR? Pussy.”
-Idiots everywhere
Well I certainly enjoyed Toffees Cherries.
Got like 11 hours sleep on the plane, about 3.5 hours out of Singapore now and they turned the cabin lights on, breakfast soon!
It’s 1:30 am Singapore time, a perfectly cromulent time for breakfast right
“Bacon, eggs and three fingers of scotch , please.”
Not something you’d hear JPP order…
How can you sleep that long on a plane?
Teach me!
I’ve always been good at sleeping on planes, and now with business class plus being sleep deprived for the past week or two it was easy to pass out after dinner and sleep.
I can still sleep pretty long in an economy seat, but it’s not a restful sleep.
I could never get decent sleep on a commercial flight. But a cargo plane with a ton of shit piled on me and 60-100 snoring farting friends… like a baby…
Lunesta, and don’t be stingy.
I can’t sleep 11 hours in my own bed. Impressive!
The longest I’ve ever slept was when I was 17, I got home from Woodstock 99 and slept a solid 20 hours
Makes sense, recovering from trenchmouth is rather exhausting.
Breakfast noodles!
Gonna have so much kaya toast tomorrow!
On to the next round where will for sure draw Citeh
Moar like Bye Citeh.
I need a vacation.
Only three guys offside on that disallowed goal for Wigan.
“In for a pound” at that point.
This Wigan/Fulham tilt is animal crackers.
No, Eli! Those are not for breakfast!
— Olivia M.
Man, these muthafuckin’ Cherries ain’t fucking around. Legitimate dry-bumming here.
Our defense has gotten fairly legit.
I was reading about corrupt popes during a period of papal history called ‘The Pornocracy’ (related, huge history nerd) and I discovered the best thing ever: there was a Pope Lando!!
Colt .45 in the baptismal font for everyone!!
My favorite pope name is Sixtus the Fifth, or Sixtus V if you’re JD Vance.
I approve of George Carlin’s call for a Pope Corky
Medici?
Never mind – Litre fine now.
Was a tough few minutes there.
Permission requested to refer to Wigan as “Wiggum”. And I guess in that case their mascot would be the “Chiefs”.
Great response.
Someone check on Litre – Wigan just tied Fulham.
Deci may have taken his phone, is what I’m thinking.
Probably for the best.
Wigan? Wigan.
By which, I mean Liverpool. You know, that “tourist/plastic Club” that every member of England’s footy media feel the need to fellate, every second of every day.
Only because Fergie isn’t around to give them candy & compliments anymore.
mornin’
This is literally every Trump voter I know. And you can’t tell them any different.
hey now some are also in the “If I just bend down hard enough, one day that will be me” crew
I’m like, “So I’ve figured it out. X, Y, and Z are your fatal errors to succeeding in the world you claim to want. So if you want to succeed, stop holding yourself back with X, Y, and Z.”
They all like, “Yeah maybe….” which means, no.
But one of these days they’re gonna prove that minor expenditures are greater than major expenditures. I look forward to saying i was right until disproven by a Nobel Prize winner.
How’s the phrase go? “Temporarily embarrassed millionaire.”
https://youtu.be/JY3duDtPOTw?si=LIKBRb4AvkV62Zd3
Man City can’t put [checks notes…checks notes again] Leyton Orient away because of course they can’t.
Good god, they’ve brought on big guns Foden and Broom as subs in the 72nd minute.
Annnnd Broom delivers the dagger.
Literally, the millisecond Hippo switched feeds…
merde, I been watching Leeds/Millwall like some kind of chump!
As I mentioned before, I was diagnosed not merely with a common cold, nor that Covid thing that all the celebrities are dying of, but no I got fucking pneumonia.
They took chest X-rays and nose samples and cheek samples and one doctor even asked if I would like a vibrator shoved up my ass. I politely thanked him for the offer and declined and said hey man maybe another day. This ain’t my first rodeo.
So I’ve got a prescription inhaler and an antibiotic that has warnings not to eat or drink anything while taking it. They even had a pharmacist come out and go over the warning sheet with me. I asked “Can I still drink Jim Beam straight?” She looked at the sheet and said “I don’t see it here so I guess that’s okay.”
But “dry mouth” is listed as a side effect, and boy were they right. It just happens out of the blue. It’s not just a dry mouth feeling, it’s as is there is no longer any water in your body, or certainly not your mouth. It feels like concrete curing, and everything is suddenly going to stick together.
Good thing I keep the jug of Jim Beam handy. Pray for Mojo.
I once got diagnosed with pneumonia twice the same winter. The docs could scarely believe I was a “never-smoker” in my 30s.
Thank Sweet Baby Jeebus for Tussionex.
Jeez man get better soon. I though the only thing you needed to avoid eating while on antibiotics was eggs. A whole list? I’d violate that too Buddy, except maybe the eggs, Italian mother’s usually know what they are talking about.
#BrickStrong
Have some more Beam ASAP
Look at Mr Got-Approval-For-A-Diagnosis-From-United-Healthcare over here with his connections.
Must be nice not to have to carry a list of all the executives of every organization i do business with….err….you do business with.
Don’t hold back Hippo. And do enjoy your day.
I have re-looked at this pic soooooooo many times this morning
Really?
I only needed the one time.
That’s nothing I ever seen at no Tiki Hut in Hawaii!