As all of you know…okay, as anyone who has joined us for a session of Request Line knows…ahem, as anyone who actually reads the intros to Request Line knows…

[looks around, sees a bunch of confused faces]

Okay, let’s start over.

Two seasons ago I used Request Line as a vehicle to explore the concept of a time loop.  Specifically, the idea that a “save point” is created, and at some specific point (or indeterminate point) in the future something happens that causes this loop to reset.  In the case of DJ 3000, his robot (and cyborg) friends, and humans John DiMaggio and Todd Marinovich, this was caused by a recursive loop that DJ 3000 added to his programming that caused the gang to experience the same 24 hour period again and again.

Fairly recently, I encountered this clip from Rick and Morty…

…and it got me to thinking about the time loop concept applied to my own life. If I could choose to relive a single year of my life on an infinite loop, which 365 days would it be?

The correct answer, of course, would be any 365-day span inside the seventeen-year window that ends today and begins on September 7, 2008, which is the date that the Dr. Mrs. and I first met in order to watch Serena Williams dismantle Jelena Jankovic in the women’s final of the U.S. Open.  Any twelve-month span within that window would tie ever other span within that window as the happiest year of my life, and I would gratefully relive it on an infinite loop until the end of time itself.

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The end.

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That’s it, that’s the end of the post.

Seriously?

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[looks around furtively]  Okay.  Cool.  There’s no way she would have scrolled down this far.

So, let’s be honest, while the above is certainly true, this is a sports blog.  And this is the Monday Morning Mock Draft.  So in order to prevent this draft from descending into complete chaos without one of those Rudy-Goberteque-cricket-bat-appendages that Horatio tells himself serves as a guiding hand, we’re going to lay down the important criteria that this 365-day span must be based on sports.  External events such as relationships and politics and other concerns should be extremely minor factors, if considered at all.  That should simplify things.

The “topic” is simple: select a 365-day window of sports events that you would choose to live on an infinite loop forever.  You won’t have a memory of any previous loops, and you’ll never find out what happens subsequent to the loop resetting (for example, if you choose a loop that includes Super Bowl XLVII, you will never have your memories of Justin Tucker’s clutch kicks in the fourth quarter tainted by finding out about his penchant for sexual misconduct).  You can choose any specific date and time to begin, and it will end exactly 365 days later*. The basis for your decision is yours alone to evaluate – if you want to live a loop driven by triumph, that is up to you.  If you want a loop that is entirely fueled by delicious, nutritious, nourishing schadenfreude, that is also completely within your purview.  An A+ pick, obviously, is one that maximizes both.

After a great deal of consideration (seriously, you have no idea how much time I wasted putting together my draft board) I will be using the #1 pick to select a start date of 12:01 a.m. on January 10, 2004.  This puts us on the first day of the divisional round of the NFL playoffs – an incredible weekend featuring four one-score games, including the Carolina Panthers beating the St. Louis Rams in double overtime and the Indianapolis Colts overcoming the Kansas City Chiefs.  Here’s what happens during the remainder of the year.

February 1, 2004: Super Bowl XXXVIII. New England defeats Carolina in arguably the most exciting Super Bowl ever played. This is while the Patriots were still transitioning from somewhat likeable into the completely insufferable juggernaut they would become.

March/April 2004: UConn men’s basketball secures its first-ever NCAA tournament championship, including a come-from-behind victory over Duke in the Final Four. The UConn women win their third consecutive national championship.

May 2004: LIVE SPORTS! The Cape Town Stormers score a late try to overcome the Natal Sharks and secure themselves a spot in the postseason.  Probably the most fun I’ve ever had at a live sporting event.

June 2004: Kobe Bryant and the heavily favored Los Angeles Lakers are humiliated in the NBA Finals by the Detroit Pistons by 4 games to 1.

Also June 2004: England carries a one-goal lead into stoppage time against their arch-enemy France in the group stage of the Euro tournament, and blows it.  I don’t like France and definitely don’t hate England, but it was one of the funniest late-game collapses I have ever seen.

October 2004: The Boston Red Sox lost the first three games of the ALCS to the New York Yankees, but then…

…and then…

…and then…

…and finally…

…also I got some smooches from a lovely German traveler one of those nights. The Red Sox then went on to end their 86-year curse by sweeping the St. Louis Cardinals in the World Series.

And as much as I wish I could close out my loop with some joy from the Raiders, it wasn’t meant to be – they started off the 2004 season 2-1, but that’s too early a cutoff point to include the ALCS and World Series. But there’s still a little joy to be had in the final few days of my loop year:

January 8, 2005: The New York Jets defeat the San Diego Chargers in overtime.

January 9, 2005: The last remaining AFC West team – the Denver Broncos – get obliterated by the Indianapolis Colts by a score of 49-24.  One last gulp of haterade before the loop resets.

And now…it’s YOUR TURN! I guess regular rules apply regarding rounds (wait ten picks or half an hour between picks) and, uh, if your time loop overlaps someone else’s I guess that’s okay, just try not to pick the exact same set of events as someone else.

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*366 days later if it happens during a leap year.