Monday Morning Mock Draft: The Line Approaches

(featured image likely results in a Dallas punt)

Or something like that.  Not exactly the profound effect I was going for as we enter the last month of the long national nightmare that is the off-season.

Rest assured, however, that soon you’ll be watching meaningless pre-season games, followed by meaningless in-season games if you root for, say, the Dallas Cowboys.

Can’t wait for off-season baseball, when hopefully Aaron Boone learns how to file for unemployment.

Anyway, we’re almost there, so dig those fingernails a little deeper into the edge of your chairs and get ready for the last few drafts before Hippo comes back to tell you all about the games the previous day in a language linguists the world over remain baffled by.

With that…

Guten Tag, drones!

As promised, today we draft defensive linemen.  If they played tackle or end, in the NFL, you can draft them.  It’s that simple.  Kinda like it’s real fucking simple to resign your best defensive player, and a generally All-World talent, like, say, Micah Parsons, but apparently not everyone gets that.  So just do your best.

Jason Pierre-Paul counts as 3/5 of a pick.  NOT FOR THAT REASON, FOR THE OTHER ONE!!

You’d think I’d be taking a Dallas Cowboy, who’ve had a plethora of talent on the defensive line over the years, and rest assured I will, but with the first pick I’m taking one my favorite players from the days of my youth, Tampa Bay Buccaneer DE Lee Roy Selmon.

Was it the Creamsicle?  Was it that I could pretend I was Lee Roy and make my younger brother have to be Lee Roy’s less-talented, (but still decent) LB brother, Dewey Selmon?  Was it that Lee Roy was just generally awesome?

Let’s go with “yes.”

I even have a personalized Lee Roy Selmon creamsicle jersey, thanks to the good folks at (-name deleted because I can’t afford the tariffs-) and some ambitious Vietnamese children with nimble fingers.

The rest of you are on the clock.