Slouching Towards Passaic: A Giants Preview (with bonus game thread that will illustrate many points!)

Before I get into the meat of the preview I would like to say that anything positive typed below should be offset by the fact that the schedule begins with Commies, Cowboys, Chiefs, Chargers, Saints, Eagles, Broncos and Eagles again.

General Outlook:

I’m just so glad that Saquon and Dimes have been sorted out and are in the rearview mirror. What transpired with both of them seemed to be a rock around the neck of the franchise that weighed heavily on all moves/trades/signings done afterwards and it was tiring. Also, I bear no ill will towards Saquon and the amount of success he’s had. Maybe I’ve just seen so many other players, good and bad, come and go. And Daniel Jones? He’s a starter again! Is the o-line above average? The reason I ask is because the poor (not in the pocketbook) kid has not played behind a competent line since high school. That is not hyperbole.

The Draft:

If Abdul Carter is half the player he seemed to be in camp there’s another wrecking ball on the line to accompany Dexter Lawrence. Some contrarians regarded him as the most gifted athletically in this draft, better even than that two-way kid. The consensus is that there will be four starters from this class along with five other guys drafted last year. I’m of the opinion that a strong d-line improves a secondary and vice-versa. The theory being that if pressure can be put on the qb quickly the lousy corners don’t have to guard their fella for as long. And it works the other way as well-a few shutdown corners can give pass rushers extra time to get to the qb or at least disrupt his processing. Dexter, Carter, Thibodeaux, Burns and Nunes-Roches are a fantastic unit-perhaps the D will finish in the top 20!

The QB Room/The Offense:

Look, Wilson is a shadow of his former self. He can’t/won’t run, he loves the short pass and refuses to throw to intermediate routes. Yes, he still has that “Moonball” of his which is the long pass outside the hashmarks so Nabors and Slayton should be happy but the happiest of all will be Wan’dale Robinson, all 186 pounds of him. Last year he had 140 targets (insane) and 93 catches for, well, he had to have a 1000 yards with that kind of volume, right? Nope, he didn’t reach 800. (799, but still) What that means is he caught the ball, got tackled, caught the ball, got tackled. There will be a lot more of the same this year until he gets injured. Wilson was named starter but there is a race to get Jaxson Dart onto the field as soon as possible. Do you think Daboll is going to sink or swim with Charmslinger after the finagling they did to get the Ole Miss alum? C’mon man! Oh right, say goodbye to that Cutlet kid, there’s not enough room in the kitchen.

Coda:

In summation, the Giants are going to be an improved team but [nods towards first paragraph] it won’t result in many more wins. The only games that look ‘easy’ are those vs the Pats, Bears and Raiders and the Giants are more than capable of dropping those. But they could steal a game here or there as well. My guess is 5-12.

Exhibition Ball:

Steelers/Panthers: 7pm EST

Pats/Giants: 8pm EST

Have at it.

 

 

 

 

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blaxabbath

I needed this update because I ain’t got a clue what has been going down in with the Jetstown Giants.

WCS

DangeRuss is currently on Jimmy Fallon.

It’s kind of strange.

Redshirt

First Gutfeld, now this? Cancel Tonight Show!

Actually that’s not fair to Gutfeld. At least he showed last week on Fallon that unlike Wilson, he could read the opposition and adapt his gameplan and strategy to increase the chances of success.

jjfozz

My mother on behalf of herself and my sisters, “We’re still dealing with the fact that your father died.”

Me: “That was almost a year ago, it’s time to move on.”

I mean, the old man would have said the same thing.

It’s hard being the cold hearted bastard in the family.

ballsofsteelandfury
Doktor Zymm

I massively failed at a one-handed recycling maneuver today and got a bunch of cardboard cuts on the inside of my wrist that make me look kind of like a really wussy emo kid that can’t self-harm correctly and also sting like a bitch. I think I’m ready to play QB for the Raiders

Gumbygirl

Paper cuts always burn! They suck. I’d rather have a big cut than a small paper cut, but I’d rather have either of those than a steam burn.

I almost said I’d rather have a big gash, lol. This crew would be all over that. Always lobbing the softballs. That sounds dirty too!

1000005333
Horatio Cornblower

You know who else had a big gash?

Lucy Mancini, of course: we covered that during Monday’s mock draft.

2Pack

Recycled from a couple days ago, but subject appropriate.

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Brick Meathook

There is entirely too much of that stupid bearded Harvard chode on the tee-vee.

Horatio Cornblower

You’re gonna need to narrow that way, way, way down.

Brick Meathook

That Giants QB depth chart is . . . interesting.

Doktor Zymm

We should do a mad libs!

The Browns QB depth chart is *adjective*

Horatio Cornblower

FELONIOUS!

ArmedandHammered

Unsettling

BallsofLacrosseAndMapleSyrup

Shallow

Jimbo

Pitiful

WCS

there

King Hippo

unflavoUred

Gumbygirl

Hilarious

jjfozz

Un-elite

Redshirt

.

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WCS

Big omission, Orangevest.

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Mr. Ayo

Great

Just for the disaster viewing experience

Horatio Cornblower

Nevada South Carolina is down 5-3. They get a walk. Their big home-run hitter strides to the plate. He’s the tying run.

We cut to the Nevada South Carolina dugout. The kids are gathered in a prayer circle, asking for some Divine intervention.

And the pitcher throws one behind the batter, it gets past the catcher, and the runner from first advances to 2b! The catcher throws to 2B, for no reason, but God reaches down and shoves the runner off the base, the the 2B for Nevada reaches over and tags the kid out. The batter strikes out two pitches later, and South Carolina goes home.

Let that be a lesson to you, South Carolina. The Universe is a cruel and indifferent mistress, there is no God, and slide into second, you fucking morons.

Last edited 6 months ago by Horatio Cornblower
ballsofsteelandfury

Was Nevada actually up? Because I don’t see how South Carolina goes home in that scenario you described

Horatio Cornblower

The post has been fixed. Our editor regrets the error, and can’t even blame being drunk for it.

BeefReeferLives

drunk on sweet, sweet schadenfreude, maybe..

Redshirt

The Religious answer is God has more important things to do than to help bail you lazy asses out!

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Evening. I’m very frustrated with work so it’s about to be beer o clock.

Doktor Zymm

May I also suggest a snack with that?

BrettFavresColonoscopy

No.

BeefReeferLives

so is it now about beer:15?

Horatio Cornblower

I love these dog food ads where the dog gets finicky and grabs the gourmet bag.

If I didn’t haul my dog away from them he would eat every pile of horseshit we encountered on the trails.

BeefReeferLives

Well, what do you think the secret ingredient in the fancy dog food is?

jjfozz

We don’t have any horseshit around here, luckily my dog considers her feces to be on par with prime rib

Horatio Cornblower

“Favorite Meme: Homer Simpson Disappears Into Shrubs”

GET THIS KID A DFO JUNIOR MEMBERSHIP, STAT!!

Horatio Cornblower

Nevada kid should have been called out on a clear strike 3, belts a 3-run HR on the next pitch to give them a 2 run lead in the 6th.

Remember, folks, these umpires are all volunteers. And not very good, either.

Redshirt

I thought they retired number 300 years ago. And don’t get me started on #99S!

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Redshirt

We’ve now reached the part of the preseason where the players are practice squad members, UFL and Arena Football players and the occasional drunk guy who wondered onto the field.

Last edited 6 months ago by Redshirt
litre_cola

The Eagles secondary used to be Jenkins and 3 guys they picked up at the home depot on the way to the game

Horatio Cornblower

Well, ICE has likely put a stop to that.

Doktor Zymm

Or at least a stop to that being kinda reasonable. Now it’ll be Chad who huffs eggshell latex paint

WCS

When the same back-up lineman is called for his third penalty of the game (second holding call)…

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Horatio Cornblower

“Favorite food: Filet Mignon”

That kid is not 13.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Or working class

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

It would be a plausible answer for one of the Fairfield kids.

Last edited 6 months ago by Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Horatio Cornblower

I’d be stunned if any kid involved in higher-level LL ball was working class anymore.

if they are they’re being subsidized from some insane local booster.

WCS

/UFL MVP Bryce Perkins has entered the chat

Horatio Cornblower

The kid currently batting for South Carolina lists his dream job as “banker” and my god, what are his parents even doing?

Doktor Zymm

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Redshirt

Happy Base Throwing Day to all those who celebrate!

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Doktor Zymm

I’m weirdly looking forward to watching Giants/Cows in week 2 (although think how terrifying giant cows would be). Nothing against Dak, but it would be really neat if the giants D is good enough to get 10 sacks in that game.

ArmedandHammered

I think they were called aurochs.

Horatio Cornblower

Just switched to the LLWS from the Yankees-Red Sox on Fox, because John Smoltz is that goddamn bad.

Redshirt

Least they could do is give the career backups a moment in the spotlight.

“While we were having that interview with Russell Wilson about that bratwurst he had for dinner, the Giants scored a 97-yard WR Reverse Flea Flicker touchdown by…one minute, we just received word that Drake Maye put ketchup on his hotdog. We now go live to the studio to discuss how this affects his season projections and his fantasy football draft options.”

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Went swimming this afternoon and had the entire pool to myself. There are six lanes – let’s number them 1-6 from left to right. I choose Lane 2. Someone else arrives, she ignores the entire half of the pool she could have to herself and chooses Lane 3. After a while she decides she’s unsatisfied with it so she switches…to Lane 1. #ConnecticutProblems

Horatio Cornblower

The correct decision for her was 4 or 5.

ballsofsteelandfury

That logic applies if it was a dude.

She’s probably pissed off Rikki didn’t try to pick her up

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

120 Minutes Playlist Project Status:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yd-k77q6me0

WCS

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Gumbygirl

Ugh, I don’t like Rudolph. And I suspect we’re going to see a lot of him, when Ancient Aaron gets broken.

Horatio Cornblower

Settle down, Bltizen, you’re gonna need that kid one of these foggy nights.

Gumbygirl

No, I’ll just harness up Skylar Thompson!

Redshirt

Desmond Ridder may be available in a week, based on the playing time he got last week.

Redshirt

🎶 Rudolph with your nose so bright / Won’t you defeat the Browns tonight?

Doktor Zymm

They’re letting him play their reindeer games? That’s DEI for ya

BeefReeferLives

I would hope not. To my untrained eye Thompson has outperformed Rudolph in every preseason game so far… (said after watching the 1st half so Skyler will probably throw three picks in the 2nd)

ballsofsteelandfury

I actually really like Skylar. He should be the #2

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Don’t play your games

BeefReeferLives

It occured to me that I don’t remember seeing Jalen Hurts in many, if any commercials recently. Doesn’t the QB who just won the SuperBowl usually get commercial gigs?

Wondering if his refusing to go to the White House has something to do with that, or is this just my conspiratorial brain working overtime?

Gumbygirl

He has endorsement deals with Sprite, Hulu and Nike.

Gatoraids

think he’d at least get an ad for Ex Lax for when your tush needs that extra push

Redshirt

My God, how does that advertisement not exist?!

Doktor Zymm

I am stealing this joke and will tell it to random people in bars for years and years, even when AI does our pooping for us and young people will be confused by the reference

BeefReeferLives

Of course, maybe I am just thinking of the constant drumbeat of Peyton Manning EVERYFUCKINGWHERE after he won…

Jeez, whatta shill.