A bit of wisdom has been bouncing around my head for several weeks: we can’t change the past, and dwelling on past mistakes is suffering by folly. I thought that sounded like Seneca or Cicero, but I didn’t consult AI for fear of taking down an electrical grid about a hunch on assigned books that I didn’t read in university. Besides, it was from a meme ad from an alpha male social media account, so pshht. Let’s briefly recap the Titans 2024 season, if only for exorcism purposes:

• TEN finished 3-14 last year—but,
• I looked at the 2025 roster, and
• my body yearns for huffing paint remover.

I saw some of the ’24 games and got the laptop viruses to prove it. Believe me: Tennessee earned the 2024 first draft pick. (With an assist from Joe Milton and a heartfelt “Fuck. You. New England” by lame duck head coach Jerrod Mayo. Spites are persistent mosquitoes buzzing around your brain’s ears, sure. But as payback fodder?! Uf, glorioUs.)

Anyway rails, rails… Ah yes. Judging by ’24, defensive line is Tennessee’s strength. Jeffrey Simmons is a beast and plays like he’s on fire. T’Vondre Sweat had an amazing rookie year, but reports from camp were that he was out of shape. He’s still listed at under 400 pounds, so I’m not worried. Sebastian Joseph-Day was signed as new DE. He’s surely tougher than Jonathan Livingston Seagull. Please continue and wait until the end to boo.

The Titans in 2024 dented my soul in a very specific way: I was forced to support QB Mason Rudolph. This was the most conflicting sports fan experience I’ve had, topping my elementary school’s bully being the star player in our basketball team. All NFL fans know of Rudolph: him getting his helmet ripped by Miles Garrett, and then Garrett striking at Rudolph’s head with the helmet—damn. Badass and poetic, thoroughly.

Anyway, Rudolph was recalled and [refreshes Google alert] still contained within Steeler jurisdiction.  On the field in ’24, Mason Rudolph was the best QB for the Titans. To be clear, Rudolph sucked thoroughly.

duh

Goddammit, TEN is infamous for this shit: giving the most career starts to “backup for obvious, obvious reasons” QBs. For proof: enter “Clipboard Jesus” on Pro Football Reference, like I just did.

Rudolph was incapable of winning me over. Hell, last year I saw Rudolph get hit after throwing a 13-yard bomb (incomplete), he got up and then helped the tackler get up. That’s something I appreciate, especially from QBs: shows toughness and taunts; fully weaponized sportsmanship. By Mason Rudolph tho?

The other TEN QB in ’24, of course, was Will Levis. Levis had season-ending surgery a month and a half ago. (You: “In which body part?” Oh, lookit Dr. Frank Jobe over here. Tch.) Point is, Levis is undergoing rehabilitation, and he’s a tough dude. I have zero doubts that Levis is attacking rehab fully motivated and yearning to come back to the field. To play NFL football, under a player contract. He’s under contract now, mmm…

From the bottom of my heart: I wish Levis takes advantage of every surgery, scope, follow-up procedures, liberally spaced physical therapy, counseling on football being only a game and–really–not that important in the scheme of things if you think about it. In short, I hope Levis, at this critical juncture, rekindles the fire for more accolades to what has been, to date, a stellar academic career. Góspid Maio Boi, de cora’ [taps chest ethnically].

For 2025, the backup Titan QB is Brandon Allen, with Monkey Trev on the practice squad. [Sniff sniff] Smell that? Whenever I remember that Rudolph and Levis are off the team for 2025, my soul feels like it’s getting a gentle spray of ocean breeze Clorox.

Rookie Cameron Ward takes over at QB for TEN in 2025. This is all I know about him. Ward arrives at 5 AM every day to the team facility, is one of the last to leave, and is a W*ngst*p spokesman. The preseason most notorioUs story was that Ward got into Jeffrey Simmons’ face after a practice TD pass, which is my kind of stupid, impulsive bravery. Plus no turnovers in 3+ preseason quarters, so I like what I read. Furthermore, it’s a fact

that Cam Ward was the top QB prospect on the 2025 Draft. Well done, we’ll see.

Even the punting—the punting—sucked for the Titans in 2024. Since the days of the Old Country (KSK), more than eleven years ago, I’ve thrown flowers at the TEN punting game because it has been the sole, consistent area of team excellence. Brett Kern earned The Weapon tag. And then the Titans going from Kern to Ryan Stonehouse in ’22 was a Brett Favre to Aaron Rodgers scenario. But in ’23, Stonehouse lost the season after a having a punt blocked for the second time in the game against the Clots. He came back in ’24, and there was a string of four or five games when a punt was blocked at least once. Special teams coach Brock Landers Colt Anderson lasted the whole season in TEN–a stand for cronyism everywhere. It got better after midseason and Stonehouse’s leg became a prominent Red Zone feature. Because, you see, “outkicking the coverage” is real and usually means Red Zone return highlights.

For 2025, TEN has a new special teams coach, John “Bones” Fassel. Fassel’s reputation and career debunk catchy ♫Nepo bay bee *clap clap clapclapclap*♫ x 3 chants. There’s a new punter, Johnny La Pierna Hekker. Will 2025 TEN punting capture my heart again?

Ripped Joey Slye is the K, which is fine.

As to the rest of the defense, linebacker might be a problem. Converted safety James Williams Sr. was drafted in the 7^th round last year, and Arden Key beat a doping charge on appeal last year–which still makes me shudder with admiration; nobody knows how that happened, which furthers the legendary aspect. The secondary is thin, but not quite Karen Carpenter thin. There are good safeties (Amani Hooker & Xavier Woods, with new signee Quandre Diggs). At CB, there’s Roger McCreary and other fellas that, you know, they do their best. Plus L’Jarius Sneed, a stud for the Chefs until ’23, but who played about five games for TEN in ’24 before injury. For 2025, Sneed is not on IR, yet. Yeah that sounded curt. Sa ree.

For 2025, Tennessee redid the offensive line. The new LT is Dan Moore Jr, who everybody says was waaay overpaid—which tracks like guac. 2^nd year JC Latham is the ‘25 RT, where he played all of his college career. So, of course, in his rookie year in ’24, Latham played left tackle because O-line coach Brian Callahan is such a visionary genius and certainly not the reason Tennessee’s GM Ran Carthon was fired after only one year. TEN also signed RG Kevin Zeitler from Detroit, good, good. LG Peter Skoronski was great last season and center Lloyd Cushenberry, who is solid, returns after a season ending injury. All in all, I am confident that, for 2025, the Tennessee OL will easily be in the top 30.

All of those signings were engineered by the new GM, Mike Borgonzi–this guy:

[pic source: deluded optimism]

As to receivers, TEN has Calvin Ridley—sorry, let me start again.

Team Captain Calvin Ridley leads an otherwise “Ermmm…” receiver room. Rookie Elic Ayomanor has buzz, Van Jefferson has something to prove, and Bryce Oliver is… On the team. The name signing for ’24 was Tyler Lockett, which, yeah. As to veteran receivers, the Titans have not so much a history but a mausoleum of impressive final stop jerseys: Andre Johnson, Randy Moss, and Julio Jones.

RB Tony Pollard was solid, truly a highlight in professionalism for the ’24 Tits. My forecast is that this OL will not get him killed; before Week 8. TEN is slim at RB otherwise. Julius Chestnutt is more brawn that speed, and good-to-great Tyjae Sharpe will be out for the first four weeks, at least. Chig Okwonko is the regular TE, and this rounds out the relevant fantasy positions. Should you pick any for your team?

The head coach is Brian Callahan, the consensus NFL’s worst per the Internet. Callahan Jr ain’t the problem; that much I’m sure about. But this is the National Football Lee and the present GM did not hire Callahan. This means that another bad season (let’s say < 5 wins) could signal another coaching change. Especially if Cam Ward gets killT by Callahan Sr.’s offensive line. Well, I saw that movie before, during Marcus Mariota’s rookie year. Mariota lost the season in a gruesome knee injury that got then head coach Ken Whisenhut fired before Movember (which was a thing). And with that last piece of Titans past I hereby exorcise the present: no more, par favaaar. 

As to the schedule, it’s all Sunday games. Plus, the Titans play the Saints again. What the hell? It’s been like four games the last six years! Hey, I’ll take it; competition with fellow questionable teams, together with four games against the Jax and Clots… That’s gotta be at least two wins and a DRAW there for TEN in ’25. Otherwise, TEN is a damn travesty.

Saving grace: Cam Ward will be a reason to watch whenever he takes the field. Reportedly, Ward is a gutsy, confident, and disciplined pro already. And, AND, he endorses the kinda fried chicken that’s almost all skin—now THAT is prime son-in-law material. Just don’t tell some of my uncles that I said it, please, because that is a pleasure reserved for me and only for me. Oye tío, es un chico ejemplar. Perfecto para [The Heiress’s nickname]. Se llama Cameron. Es de Estados Unidos, multimillonario, muy famoso. Déjame enseñarte una foto”.

 Yeah, I’m sorry. My apologies. But in Spanish, it’s quotation mark first, then period.

FINALLY,

I went to the sportsbook last week to check the odds and saw the win total line on TEN at 5.5, with -150 for UNDER.

All my life I’ve gambled on what I want to happen, not on what I think will happen. Which is stupid because I’m a well-renowned brooder. So if 5.5 is still there by Wednesday, I’ll bet the under and stand to profit from what I don’t wanna see. Losing money on a happy outcome might be my way to wellness.

Benner from “El Topo”.