Apologies in advance- religious discussion incoming. Please feel free to skip. It represents the fairly heretical views of the author only, and not particularly intelligent views at that. If you find this offensive for any reason, please take comfort in the following:

1. I am not intending to offend. That’s way too much effort.

2. My education is sparse and questionable, to the extent that I actually understand the major Christian schisms way better than Talmudic commentary

3.  I am most likely wrong,

Additionally, please note that “Jews” and “the State of Israel” are not synonymous. I am one of the majority of American Jews who was taught that “Never Again” applied to genocide against anyone, no matter who it was perpetrated by. If Thursday is the Day of Judgment and Bibi is still upright at the end of it, God has some questions to answer.

Strange times at the Mayhem House. The period between Rosh Hashanah (start of the year) and Yom Kippur (The Big Sorry) is a weird liminal space for many Jews, including shitty ones like me. The “Ten Days of Awe” are a period for reflection, repentance and seeking to make amends for the wrongs you previously committed- all good concepts! And getting all your confession and expiation done for the year in a single day? Take that, Catholicism!

However, ancient rabbincal authorities decided to up the ante by deciding that God opens the Book of Life for the coming year on Rosh Hashanah and determining whether you’re going to die that year. Fair play to God- He’s eternal, omnipotent and omnipresent, but getting the busywork out of the way at the start of the year is just a good strategy overall. Here’s the complication those ancient rabbis introduced: if you repent hard enough, God might CHANGE HIS MIND and decide NOT to strike you down that year.

That’s right. There is One Weird Trick that can subvert the Divine Will.

To the credit of the well-meaning parents who taught our religious school classes growing up, they never actually kicked me out. In a religion that values education and a legalistic interpretation of holy scripture, it’s not surprising that relatively young kids will ask Very Difficult Questions in Hebrew School.

But even 8 year-old me spotted that this was kind of bullshit. So when I asked “Since God knows everything ahead of time, how can He change his mind? Like, why didn’t He just make the right decision in the first place?” I was politely but firmly directed to shut up and eat my apples and honey.

Being a pedantic little shit even back then, I kept asking the question whenever this comes up during the Torah (“Old Testament” for you splitter Christians). Hell, Abraham straight up NEGOTIATES with God about the destruction of Sodom (moving the line for sparing the city from 50 righteous men to 10). That doesn’t seem like the actions of a being with full foreknowledge of all facts, circumstances and occurrences. Never did get a satisfactory answer- even if He did give us free will, he would still know what choice we were going to make, right?

It wasn’t until high school that I learned that pursuing this line of reasoning to its logical end is how you get Calvinists.

I’m still uneasy in my faith, but I find it is still worth exploring. I find value in many teachings of Judaism, even as they are contradicted by other parts of the Torah (The Book of Joshua is a horror show). And I refuse to believe that damnation awaits any person who uses the basic reasoning God gave them to analyze the rules we are told to live under.

But for now, I ask forgiveness. Because what’s the downside?

NFL NEWS:

-Speaking of divine retribution, Tyreek Hill is out for at least the year after sustaining what certainly looked like the Full Willis McGahee on his knee. Not so funny when it’s your limb getting pulped, is it Tyreek?

-Jaguars head coach Liam Coen and Niners defensive coordinator Robert Saleh got into it postgame, in response to Saleh’s comments about Coen’s skills at “legal sign stealing”. Apparently a man of such upstanding and honest character as Liam Coen couldn’t abide even an allegation of legal conduct. The exchange, per CBS Sports:

Coen: “Keep my name out of your mouth. Keep my name out of your mouth. Keep my name out of your f—ing mouth.”

Saleh: “I was trying to compliment your ass. I will f— your world up. You don’t wanna f— with me. I will f—ing end your f–ing life.”

Two things:

a. Liam Coen is a sniveling, cowardly fuckface. He was a pissant even before his Dishonest Sneaky Horseshit around returning to the Bucs versus taking the Jaguars head coaching job. Afterward, he’s got about as much credibility as a Trump Administration trade negotiator. Saleh could have called him a midfield sheepfucker and I’d have kept an eye on the 50 yard line all game.

b. On the note of credibility, I 100% believe Robert Saleh would comprehensively destroy a man’s entire existence if given adequate provocation. Like, full out John Wick. Zero doubt.

-The Cleveland Browns are starting to work their way down the World’s Longest QB Depth Chart, apparently benching Ancient Joe Flacco in favor of fun-size rookie Dillon Gabriel. I get it- Kevin Stefanski needs to look like he’s doing something (see my diatribe about the New York Giants last week) to have any hope of keeping his job, and plugging in a rookie QB is a cheap and proven way to try to juice the ratings. But his first game will be in London, against a still-very-stout-against-the-pass Vikings team. The team will basically be making excuses for him from the first snap of his first game.