Instant Hippo Thoughts – Week 15, 2016

Forgive me if I am curt with my analysis, my head hurts like it’s on fire, and the WORST of the barometric pressure changes comes tomorrow. So…there’s a good chance I will be dead by my own hand then.

There will be no discussion of the Donks loss. It sucked.

I was highly encouraged that two coaches had the stones to go for two late, and the win. For one, it seemed they were actually doing maths! Windy conditions made the 33-yard kick a dicier proposition than normal, skewing the odds markedly in favour of the 2-yarder with the offense.

Also, for teams like the Iggles…the fuck they really have to “lose” anyway? Take a fucking chance! But in reality, one should coach like this ALL THE TIME. Right is right, don’t be scared of media second guessing. Alas, Balmer stopped the try to win the “Which Shitty Place Would You Least Like Your Company Make You Move To?” bowl, 27-26.

The Titans didn’t make it, either. I would be especially sad, because I hate the Chefs, and how Andy Reid so boringly sat on his early 17 points and tried to run out the clock all game long. KILLER OF JOY as he is KILLER OF BUFFET TABLES (and their poor goddamned plastic chairs). But there was around 3:15 left, so TN at least could get the ball back. Then they (stupidly, I thought) kicked it deep…with no timeouts. Meaning that the BEST they could reasonably do was get it back in their own territory with 70 seconds left, in bad kicking conditions.

Which is what happened. Mariota completed 3 passes over the middle, then spiked it to give Succop a chance from 53 (as DonT no doubt rushed to find the right candle to light). He was short as Andy Reid called timeout to “ice” him. But of course, that really only warmed his leg up, and the one that counted was perfect. 19-17, good guys.

Da Bearistocrats! actually had a legit chance to beat Green Bay with a late, mad scramble comeback. But Foxy got a little too cute and went away from Jordan Howard inside the 5 and settled for the tying FG, then his shitty secondary got beat deep down the middle in the dying seconds to set up the kill shot. Because…Da Bearistocrats!!

Marvin Lewis sat on his early lead just as foolishly as Andy Reid, and Karma paid him the same visit, in the form of many, many FGs in a game I otherwise remember almost nothing about. The AFC North has produced some real dull shit this season. Christmas afternoon Thursday Night Football needs to make up for that, and not just by breaking the space/time continuum.

Speaking of dull shit…HAI Browns!! Even making Buffalo look competent, how nice of you. I saw maybe 3 plays of this, which felt like overkill.

Looks like Buttchinski has finally had enough Brock Lobster (even the dance re-mix!!) and is going with Let’s Be Savage instead. Their hearts were racing, finally racing, inside the whateverdome, as the Jaguras very gradually allowed the home side to re-take the one point lead, then hold it. At 8-6 along with the Titans, Week 17 should be the decider.

The loss also got Gus Bradley fired, which, howere deserved, is dumb as fuck. Two things can happen. One, you have a “dead cat bounce” rally effect, which may cause players and some local pressure to keep the interim guy around. Very, very rarely is this actually a good idea. Plus, you fucked up your draft positioning!! For twosies, discipline can break down completely as the inmates realize nobody REALLY is in charge of the asylum, and you get a complete clownfraud show on your hands (like Ram It!!). Just let the poor schmuck lose his way through the end professionally and with some dignity, dying with his boots on. Unless he’s coming to work at like 2pm, naked and on meth or some shit like that. In JAX, one can’t rule it out.

Though Indy is mathematically still there after beating the everloving shit out of the one-would-expect-to-be-desperate-for-a-win Vikings. In Minnesota. I don’t think there’s a harder team to figure out what to expect from than the Humps. Some weeks they show up, some weeks they don’t. Completely sans rhyme nor reason. Minny just sucks all of a sudden, and I really dunno why.

Jim Caldwell’s Fuck Lions of Destiny hit an unfortunate speed bump in the Meadowlands. Fat Stafford’s finger owie, and the red-hot combo of OBJ and the Giants’ D were just too much for even a proud franchise like this one. But one knows one can trust Caldwell not to blink, even with Rodgers charging from the rear.

The Saints and Cardinals combined for 89 points today. Suffice to say, betting the over was a good idea. Breesus Christ is risen. He is risen, indeed!

The 49ers? Still dogshit. The Falcons? Still vaguely, unimpressively competent. I would bet extremely heavy on Los Gigantes in the Wild Card round.

With the KC loss, OAK had its division destiny in its own hands again. But as usual, the Boltmen put up a fight. In particular, San Diego’s D has gotten much, much better. But yet again, a crucial mistake (Farrow fumbre) at the worstest of times turned it around, and the Raiders (with most of the “home” crowd on its side) fly back to Alameda 19-16 victors.

I started writing at halftime of what had been a terrible SNF matchup. DAK! and pals were cruising, and only 2 misses (albe-them very long) by reliable Dan Bailey kept things deceptively close. But Rapey Jameis struck hard and unexpected (teehee) in the 3rd quarter, and all of a sudden this fixture’s primetime status made sense. Unfortunately for the MRSA-friendly community, Q4 raped Jameis right back.