[EXTERIOR, Minneapolis]

[Six bedraggled figures, backs stooped and all but one swathed in many layers of mismatched clothing , huddle in a doorway to try to avoid the worst of the bone-cracking wind. As the camera zooms in, it becomes clear that it is a family, with two adults and four children of varying ages.]

LARGEST BUNDLE: I dunno, Mother- it’s getting dark. It’s time to find a place to bed down for the night.

SECOND BUNDLE: And where would that be? We can’t be sleeping rough tonight, and we can’t be goin’ to the shelter onna count of they won’t let us in with Tiny Tawm’s condition, donchaknow?

TINY TAWM:

Fahkin’ agent couldn’t get me that sweet SNL Dunkin’ cahmmercial and now this? Warst cameo evah. NO ONE DENIES THIS!

LARGEST BUNDLE: Well we have to do something- the windchill is gettin’ up,and we can’t all keep warm on just Narraganset beer and a clinical-strength persecution complex.

[The group is approached by a well-dressed stranger with a friendly demeanor]

RICK SPIELMAN: Hello! I can’t help but notice that it’s a little chilly out.

SECOND BUNDLE: You betcha.

SPIELMAN: Well, we can’t have you and your lovely family staying out here tonight. Why don’t you come with me and we’ll find you a nice warm place in the 300-level.

LARGEST BUNDLE: You mean…at the stadium?

SPIELMAN: Oh yes. Mr. Wilf is a great believer in helping out his fellow Minnesotans in times of need.

SECOND BUNDLE: Doesn’t he live in New Jersey?

SPIELMAN: Among many, many other places. But that’s not important right now. The only question is whether you’ve ever beaten any of your children on their back and genitals with a switch?

LARGEST BUNDLE: Only Tiny Tawm.

TINY TAWM: Jesus, that switch was wicked pointy….

SECOND BUNDLE: Does that mean we’re not allowed in?

SPIELMAN: Depends- can you run the football? Ha! Just kidding- we don’t really care. What is important right now is getting out of the cold and getting some hotdish into everyone.

BUNDLES: HURRAY!

TINY TAWM: And Gawd bless us, every fahkin’ one.

[Family walks off with Vikings staff member towards the giant creepily-glowing stadium.]

[SPIELMAN heaves a satisfied sigh and begins to walk. A figure who has seen the entire exchange runs up to SPIELMAN]

JAKE NYBERG: Mr. Spielman! Mr. Spielman! My name is Jake Nyberg, and I couldn’t help overhearing. What an incredible gesture by Mr. Wilf and the team, to invite the homeless in on these bitterly cold nights.

SPIELMAN: Well, as I said, Mr. Wilf wants to make sure the homeless are taken care of. I mean, it would be the height of arrogance and selfishness to accept $498 million in public financing for a stadium and then refuse to help out those same communities.

NYBERG: Mr. Spielman, you have to let me do a story on this. The public needs to know what incredible good works you and Mr. Wilf and the team are performing.

SPIELMAN: Are you a reporter?

NYBERG: No, but I am a schmuck with a Twitter account. Which President Trump says is better than being a reporter. Plus, I’ve got this one friend, Dave Dellanave, who’s got that little blue checkmark thingy on his Twitter account.

SPIELMAN: Well then, I guess it can’t hurt. Come on, I’ll take you on a tour.

[INTERIOR- DOME.]

NYBERG: Wow. This is great, Mr. Spielman,  but where is everyone?

SPIELMAN: Oh, they’re all up in the kitchens.

NYBERG: Oh, getting something to eat. I get it. And why is everything covered in plastic?

SPIELMAN: So that they can eat their hotdish without worrying that they are going to spill on anything.

NYBERG: Oh. I guess that makes sense. You know what, I’m going to start tweeting right now, and I’ll do follow-ups as we go.

SPIELMAN: Sounds great. We really want to get the word out to the Twin Cities’ needy that they can come here and we’ll take care of them. The homeless are all on Twitter, right?

NYBERG: Well, the prematurely released mental patients certainly seem to be.

SPIELMAN: Good! Would you like to meet Zygi?

NYBERG: Of course!

ZYGMUNT WILF: Hey, nice to meet you.

NYBERG: Mr. Wilf, it’s such an honor. The work you are doing here, it’s just…it’s just amazing.

WILF: Well, I’ve been fortunate. I’ve been interested in the homeless ever since I bought the team and found out that we’d had a homeless guy living in the Metrodome for more than twenty years.

Old Red McCombs gave him a job, and that inspired me to think about how we could really take care of the homeless problem.

NYBERG: By putting them to work?

WILF: Not quite. Do you want to see what I have created?

[INTERIOR, KITCHEN]

NYBERG: Where is everyone?

WILF: Oh, they’re around. The real work gets done in the next room. You may want to put these on.

[Hands NYBERG a plastic poncho and hardhat]

NYBERG: Why do I need…

WILF: Alrightly, in we go…

NYBERG: Oh God…oh God…so much blood…blood everywhere…. And the meat hooks..strung up like slaughtered hogs….

WILF: See? We’re finally putting the homeless population to good use. We give them a good meal, and then we make them a good meal. “Get’em off the streets and into a pan”, that’s my motto.

NYBERG: How…how can you do this? What kind of monster are you? I thought you were a humanitarian!

WILF: As opposed to a vegetarian? I am.

NYBERG: You won’t get away with this. I was going to tell the world how wonderful you were…now I will tell them what a devil you truly are! [Runs out]

[INTERIOR, SEEMINGLY ENDLESS PURPLE AND GOLD HALLWAY. NYBERG FRANTICALLY DIALS ON HIS CELL PHONE]

NYBERG: Dave! Dave! It’s Jake. You have to kill the story on the Vikings letting the homeless stay in the stadium! I don’t care…make them think it was some sort of fucked-up backward political statement or attention-grab.  We CANNOT let any more victims get drawn in here. Get the word out. Hotdish is people! IT’S PEEEEEEOOOPLLLLLLE!

[BACK IN THE KITCHEN]

SPIELMAN: Aren’t you afraid he’ll go to the police or the real press?

WILF: Oh, I think our new head of security will see to that. Right?

MR WINKLES: Snarlchompgrowlsnarl snarl!! [takes off after the fleeing Nyberg]