Monday Morning Mock Draft: Let’s Get Ready To Pander (Again)!

Guten tag drones!

Welcome to the penultimate mock draft of the 2026 off-season.  Hippo will be hoping we get that thing he sent us a mere two Mondays from now, and I’ll have 5-6 months to come up with topics for the 2027 off-season!

Feel free to contribute.

This week we look back to my notes, (I literally have a note pad in my office desk drawer labeled “mock drafts” with potential topics running 3-4 pages; if Mrs. Horatio ever finds them I will likely be committed.  Frankly, I could use the time off), and note that at some point I scribbled the word “boobs” followed by the name “2Pack.”

From this we can deduce that, at some point in the not too distant past, commenter 2Pack suggested boobs as a draft topic, and at roughly that same point I thought enough of that to write it down.  Today, we make that draft happen and, at long last, focus on women’s breasts.

For the sake of fairness, and for our female readership, men with appealing chests are also eligible for this draft.

Eligibility is straightforward:  Is it a chest?  Do you admire that chest?  If you can answer “yes” to both of those questions, congratulations, you’ve got yourself a draft pick.

I’ll throw some rules in, just so you all have something to ignore, as is tradition.

Rule The First:  The chest must belong to an adult.  You are not casting for the cover of the next Scorpions album here.  Yes, Traci Lords had a great rack, but she had a better fake ID, so let’s just not even go there.

Rule The Second:  Do not ignore Rule The First.

Rule The Third:  The usual DFO rules about nudity apply.  In other words, no nipples for those draft picks of the female persuasion.  Underboob and sideboob, however, are allowed and encouraged.  Men’s nipped are fine; no one cares.

Rule The Fourth:  The boobs in question must be, to the best of your knowledge, real.  If I wanted to draft aftermarket parts we’d do a ‘NAPA Inventory’ draft.  Also it makes things a little more difficult.

Rule The Fifth:  You have to have a name to go with the chest.  Don’t post a Vegas chorus line and say “fourth from the left.”  Unless you know her, (or him; these days who knows), in which case go for it.

2Pack didn’t give me a pick, (or more likely I didn’t write it down, but I have full confidence he’s going to be able to figure one out.  With the first pick I will reach back in time, to a time before tractor-trailers were required to have safety bars on the back, and take Jayne Mansfield:

When Sophia Loren is side-eying your rack, your parents did something right.

The rest of you are on the clock.