Waiting for Goodell: Tuesday Open Thread

Now is the summer of our discontent/made glorious autumn by the return of Real Football,/ And all the clouds that loured upon our stadiums/
In the deep bosom of the hobo buried.

I mean, yes, it’s still in the mid-90s here in America’s Skinfold, but there is at least a metaphorical crispness to the air as we approach the rain-slick precipice of Another NFL Season. Am I as excited as I have been in years past? No, as I have embraced a no-expectations approach to my dear Dumbass Bills, and the only things I like about my fantasy teams are their names (Jed York’s Criminal Tool and Jerry Jones’ Ethically-Sourced Hoes). But still- it’s nice to know Oktoberfest is right around the corner.

RANDOM NEWS AND THOUGHTS:

-Aaron Donald is finally officially a Ram, but will not be playing Week 1 in Australia. Presumably this is related to his comments about feeling “a little rusty”. Now, I love Aaron Donald- please understand that. But this is horseshit. Did Old Man Rivers take a redshirt week coming back into the league? Joe Flacco? The did the heroic Tommy Lee Jones and his fellow Space Cowboys ask for their vital shuttle mission to be postponed while they “got their space legs back”? Absolutely fucking not. Get your giant, violent ass on the plane, Aaron!

-Comrade Baker Mayfield has fallen under the influence of the Western Bourgeoisie and abandoned the Great People’s Struggle, signing a three year extension purportedly worth $165 million. There is reason to be suspicious of the details here, as:

1. By AAV, it is the third-highest in the league. While QB contracts don’t directly reflect value, this is so far out of whack as to raise Questions
2. It was reported by Schefter and Rappaport, who have the critical discernment of a Trump social media director and
3. The sides originally broke off negotiations when the Bucs held firm on a 2 year, $50 million offer. Unless you believe Baker has shown enough in training camp to convince Jason Licht that he’s actually worth more than twice that much per year, I’m thinking there’s a $80 million non-guaranteed salary in Year 3.

-Roger Goodell signed an extension to remain Public Handpuppet for the league through 2030.

-Patrick Mahomes is on track to start for the Chiefs, but they appear not to have a functional left tackle. It’s a Bold Strategy for facing the Broncos while your franchise keystone is recovering from multiple knee ligament crabmeatification.

-No word on whether Jed York will be in Australia for the 49ers-Rams game. Just in case, two tips for the Niners owner: 1. $160 comes out to about AU$220.

2. “Tie Me Kangaroo Down, Sport” isn’t what you think it is.