Bashing New Country in its Head with a Cudgel

We need to drop 98 tons of nuclear waste on Nashville.

And I’m not sure that’s enough to kill every fuckstick who is responsible for “new country.” If it doesn’t, I can perform a HALO jump with a group of mercenaries – known as the Black Light Brigade – to ensure everyone gets a good and complete murderin’.

Now, don’t think that I am a diehard fan of “old country.” Sure, I like Johnny Cash (if you don’t like him you suck ass) and maybe Willie and okay, Merle Haggard because that man didn’t give one single fuck about anyone or anything. I can appreciate that. They call country music “white man blues”, which makes me cringe. Jesus god in heaven, do we have to hijack every fucking thing created by black people?

Whoa, hold on Fozz. If you hate this music, how do you know anything about it? Because members of my family like this dreck. My brother in law loves it, and he’s converted my sister and his daughters. This is a disaster. I love all these people, but I’m tempted to cut them out of my life.

But let’s get serious about new country. I want to punch it right in the face because it’s not true to its roots and is devoid of any creativity or feeling. You could get better lyrics throwing a pack of paper and typewriters into a room of Trump supporters. That’s been done by Nazi skinhead bands. Shit. Most of these “songs” are about a redneck at the beach or something and he’s all drunk and just a-havin’ fun. Sometimes he flouts the rules of modern society, what a rebel! What a diseased prick.

These country singers appear to be metrosexuals who are decked out in jeans and t-shirts and straw cowboy hats. These hats are the equivalent of wearing a blinking neon sign which says “asscrack”. It’s prepackaged, homogenized, and banal – shockingly the Dumb of America eat it up like a Value Meal.

(If you are a woman and you are wearing a straw cowboy hat with the sides up, I can only guess that your vagina is the size of a Big Gulp cup and your breasts are hanging bags of silicon that would frighten Dracula. I can buy you two margaritas and then treat you like a farm animal for a few hours.)

New country has also given rise to another fucking pet peeve of mine – Salt Life. I went to the website and I had to down a pint of bourbon to dampen the blind rage I felt. Now I know why every wannabe redneck and airhead bimbo has one of these stupid fucking stickers on their car. Because, like most brands today, the entire idea is based on a lifestyle that fucking doesn’t exist.

(Well, if you’re Jimmy Buffet, it exists and you’re a lucky motherfucker because you are rich and spend a lot of time in nice places fucking young, randy girls. You probably smoke the very best weed in the world. Fuck you, Jimmy.)

This genre is just so prepackaged, combed out nice, and shiny. Do you think Johnny Cash ever used skin care products? No. He was too busy gobbling down handfuls of Black Betties and chasing them with moonshine and whisky. That little putz on the Allstate commercials singing about fucking people buying insurance has probably never even had a beer. He looks like a skinny version of the lead singer of House of Pain. I want to douse that dude’s beard with kerosene and set it on fire.

As for the women who sing new country, they’re bright and shiny and slim and Barbie like. Most of them got their start by blowing Simon Cowell after a taping of American Idol or X Factor or whatever the fuck talent show is airing these days. Maybe they climbed atop Howie Mandell’s ping pong smooth head and shined it up with their bare beavers. Who in fuck knows.

On the other hand, Minnie Pearl was a dowdy country bumpkin with a fucking price tag dangling from her hat, and was as unfuckable as Rosie O’Donnell. Dolly Parton was a dirt-poor lass who later became a glossy superstar, but her giant rack trumped that fact. It still does. Tammy Wynette came from the sticks, penned one of the best fucking country tunes ever.

(Tammy Wynette isn’t in the Grand Teton level on the Fozz Jug-O-Meter, but she has decent enough cakes to get a Bill Clinton nod of approval.)

New country, go  eat a big helping of shit pie. You have contributed nothing to society and given dipshits a soundtrack for their stupid lives.

Thing that made me smile

Guardians of the Galaxy Pt 2 trailer. Little Groot is outright hilarious.