[6:24pm, Gilbert, Arizona]

The two have now spent hours at the golf course eating, drinking and looking at girls and have predictably lost track of time…

balls:  I just want to apologize again about being mean to you about golf.  I never knew…

balls:  Are all golf courses like this?

tWBS:  Noooo…no no.  It’s a crapshoot to a degree, for sure.  In truth, on most courses you’re much more likely to have to look at old man butt for four hours.  But most courses DO have drink cart girls these days at least…

balls:  Great invention, btw.  Bravo.

tWBS (laughing):  Indeed.

tWBS’ phone begins to ring….

tWBS (looking at his watch):  Oh, shit.

balls:  What’s wrong?

tWBS (picking up his phone):   (to balls) … We’re late.  (answers phone) …  I know, I know.  I’m sorry.  We got ummm……delayed … yeah, traffic, right…

balls (absently, still watching girls):  Yeah, LOTSA traffic.

tWBS (still on phone):  ….lotsa traffic.  Wanna just hit Cooper’s?  Yeah, that’ll work, coupla hours.  Oh, I’ve got a surprise for you, too.  I’ve got a friend with me.  Nooooo, not him.  Don’t worry, it’s a surprise.  Cool, see ya then.

tWBS hangs up the phone.

tWBS:  We gotta go.  Sorry.

balls:  Can we come back here again someday?

tWBS:  Yes.  Yes we can.

They hop in Dave and drive toward PHX.  tWBS exits at 7th street and heads for downtown.  It takes his cheap ass a few minutes to find free parking, but eventually Dave is settled in and the duo is on foot.  tWBS points some things out as they walk.

tWBS:  Over there is Bank One Ballpark…

balls:  Ummmmm…it says “Chase Field”.

tWBS:  Oh right, they changed the name.  I forgot.  Well over there is the US Airways Center.  That’s where the Suns and Rattlers play.  The Coyotes played there for a while but they moved to the west side with the Cards.  Just as well, this was a shitty arena for Hockey.  It used to be called America West Arena when it was first built and….

balls:  It says “Talking Stick Resort Arena”, dude.

tWBS:  Well shit, when did THAT happen?

As daylight is beginning to fade the two hear thunder in the distance and turn to look…..

balls: That doesn’t look good.

tWBS:  Don’t worry.  We’ll be fine.  Even with that, I’d bet we don’t get any rain.

Ten minutes later….

balls:  WTF is that ?

tWBS:  That, my friend, is a Haboob.  They are not fun….

tWBS:  ….and we will be going the fuck inside now.  Our place is just around the corner here.

The two pick up their pace, and just as the dust storm overtakes downtown Phoenix, they duck inside….

balls:  What is this place?

tWBS:  Alice Cooper’s fantasy sports/rock/booze themed…place.  It’s become pretty cliche, especially during baseball season.  Yuppie central, more or less.  But on non-game days it’s still pretty cool.  He’s still even here sometimes.

The two sit at the bar.

balls:  Wow, this is pretty cool.

tWBS:  On NFL Sundays, it has the feel of a Vegas sportsbook.  (winking slyly at balls now) … Though no one is allowed to bet here, of course.

Bartender:  Yeah, at least that’s what we tell people.  Welcome back tWBS.

balls (dumbfounded):  Nooooooooo…..

tWBS:  Well I’ll be damned.

tWBS and Alice Cooper hug it out.

tWBS:  How the hell you been you old fucker?

AC:  How do I look?

tWBS:  OK, moving on…

They both laugh.

tWBS:  This is my good friend balls.  We just happened to be passing thru and there was no way we were leaving without me showing him your place.  But shit, I didn’t expect you’d be here.

AC:  Yeah, I’m trying to slow down some and enjoy life.  Are you still playing golf?

tWBS:  Trying.

AC:  You fix that duck hook yet?

tWBS (laughing):  Fuck you, asshole.

AC (to balls):  Fucker likes to talk a big game.  But any dogleg left, you can bet your ass he’s gonna overplay the right to left off the tee and duck hook it straight into the woods.  Or the water.  You know, whatever’s there.  It’s always fun to bet him double on those holes….only makes it worse.

tWBS:  Alright, alright.  Don’t you have customers or something?

AC (laughing):  Actually yes.  You guys have fun.

Alice Cooper leaves the bar area and moves table to table, giving the guests the experience.

balls:  You’ve played golf with Alice Cooper?

tWBS:  You’d be surprised some of the people I’ve played golf with.  Sadly, he’s right about my over excitability off the tee on doglegs to the left, however.  He’s a real smart ass sometimes.  Anyway, let’s eat….

balls:  What’s good?

tWBS:  Well, I’ve never had anything here that wasn’t good.  Depends on what you’ve got a taste for.  I know you like big weiners, so maybe The Big Unit is your thing.  It’s like the biggest hot dog I’ve ever seen.  It’s named after Randy Johnson, the “used to be” DBacks pitcher.

tWBS:  But fair warning….. I would stay away from Sammy Hagar’s Green Chile Burro.  I spent a weekend in the bathroom one time after that and…

balls:  That’s fine….I don’t need to hear anymore.  If it’s got Sammy Hagar in the name…

tWBS:  Smart.

The two place their order.  balls selects the Mike Myers Yeah Baby Sandwich.  tWBS goes for the Barkley Chili Burger.  As they wait, they sip their beers.

balls:  So who are we meeting?

tWBS:  I told you, it’s a surprise….

Voice From Behind Them:  Surprise!!!!!!

The two turn around slowly.  tWBS immediately bursts into hysterical laughter.

tWBS (laughing still):  WTF dude?  I told you it wasn’t him.  Holy shit, what’s wrong with you?

Blaxabbath (laughing, removing the SS uniform):  Yeah, I know.  I was hoping you were just trying to throw me off.  (To Alice Cooper) …  Hey Alice!!!!  It didn’t work…Imma just put this shit back behind the bar for next time.

AC:  No problem.  Good try tho!!!!

tWBS (still giggling):  Blax, this is balls.  balls, Blax.

balls (to Blax):  Just out of curiosity….what if I had been….

Blax:  Had been what?

balls:  Not what….who…?

Blax:  Whom?

balls:  Never mind.

Blax (to tWBS):  So did you warn him about Sammy Hagar’s…

tWBS:  Ohhhh, yeah.

The three sit at the bar eating, drinking and laughing for quite a while.  They watch the screens above the bar as the D-Backs, Suns and Coyotes complete the nightly losing trifecta.  At least the Cards weren’t playing, right?  Eventually, they decide to call it a night…

Blax (looking at his watch):  Oh shit….I’m a dead man.  I gotta get outta here.  The last train is about to…

tWBS:  You came in on the Light Rail?

Blax:  Yeah, I’m not fighting rush hour to get down here anymore.  Why?

tWBS:  Well, it’s just gonna take you forever to get home.  I’m parked around the corner.

balls:  Yeah….we’ll give you a lift, save you some time, and maybe save your ass….?  Sound good?

Blax:  Sure, let’s do it.

They pay their bill and exit into the Phoenix night.  Soon they are inside Dave and headed to Blax’s house.  As they pull up, Blax says…

Blax:  OK, this was fun…see ya!!

tWBS:  Whoa, whoa.  What?

Blax:  Sorry.  It’s just that.  Well, how can I say this?  I don’t want to offend you guys, but I don’t trust you guys enough to let you in my house.

tWBS:  Wow, really?

Blax:  It’s just that, well….

balls:  OK, how about this….just let us use the bathroom and we’ll get out of your hair.  We’ll be quiet, we won’t get you in any hot water with the missus.

Blax (sighing):  Fine.  Just be quick.  AND quiet.

They all file out of Dave and head inside, being very careful to be quiet.  tWBS heads to the bathroom first, then balls.  While balls is in there, tWBS begins looking thru Blax’s DVD collection.  Blax looks nervous, but says nothing.  balls returns just as tWBS pulls a film from the shelf…

tWBS (excited):  Holy shit, man!!!!!!!  We have to watch this!!!!!!!!!

Blax (whisper yelling):  Dude!!!!!  Shhhhhhh!!!!  You said you’d be quiet.  Now you want to watch “Jaws” at (looks at watch) … Almost 1am?????

tWBS:  WE HAVE TO!!!!!  balls, tell him!!!!

balls:  Oh FFS.  (to Blax) … Sorry, it’s a whole weird thing that he’s….

tWBS:  WEIRD??????  YOU STARTED THIS WHOLE THING, NOT ME!!!!!!

Blax:  Dude, seriously.  Please keep it down.

tWBS (opening DVD case now):  Besides, when are we going to get another chance to watch….

When tWBS opens the DVD case, a disc falls out…

Blax:  That’s not mine!!!!!

Voice from the hallway:  Sweetheart, is everything OK?

Blax (now whisper yelling again):  Dammit, now you’ve done it.  tWBS, I hate you.

tWBS:  We’ve covered this…get in line.

Emerging from the shadows is the lovely and talented Mrs. Blaxabbath.  At once it is easy to see she is both more attractive, more intelligent……and more fun-loving!!!! ….  than her…..  other half….

MrsBlax (giggling):  Hey you guys!  What’s going on here?  What are you doing with my U2 disc????  You scamps!!!!!

Blax (cowering):  No honey…I’m soooorrrrrryyyyy!!!!

tWBS:  Is he OK?

MrsBlax:  I’m honestly not sure anymore.

tWBS:  You know MrsBlax??  That was funny as fuck!!!!!

MrsBlax and tWBS high five….energetically!!!!

Blax:  Oh Christ…this is going even worse than I thought possib…..

MrsBlax:  Oh you hush now Blaxxy.  Let me play them my favorite track…..why are you always such a poop????

Blax:  Kill me now, God.  Please, kill me now.

MrsBlax (laughing):  What a poop you are!!!!!  (pops CD in and clicks FF key once)  Here it is….

balls and tWBS look at one another.

Together:  OH.  SHIT.

–

An hour later, as balls and tWBS climb into Dave, Blax and MrsBlax stand on the porch.  MrsBlax is smiling as she waves, bidding our heroes adieu.  Blax only looks nauseous.

MrsBlax:  Such sweet and fun-loving boys.  Why didn’t you tell me you had such fun friends?

Blax:  They’re….not my friends.

MrsBlax:  Well they should be.  You could do a lot worse.  Now go wash your face and brush your teeth.  It’s late.

Blax:  Yes, Dear.

Meanwhile, in Dave.

balls:  So that MrsBlax is a good dancer, huh?

tWBS:  Great dancer.

balls:  I presume we’re not gonna start driving at … (looks at watch) …  HOLY SHIT!!!!

tWBS:  Yep, great dancer.  And no, we’re not.  We’re gonna get out of the city and get a hotel then drive first thing in the morning.  How’s Tempe sound?

balls:  Well, ummmm…..if we’re gonna be in Tempe anyway, I have another favor to ask.

tWBS:  Yes, we’ll do the obligatory campus stalk.  Relax.

balls:  Yay.

The two quickly find a vacancy, check in, and crash.  At 10am the next morning, they awaken.

balls:  Shit, we overslept.

tWBS:  Don’t worry about it.  Let’s go do the creepy old guys on campus thing.  Then, I know a short cut to Joshua Tree anyway, so we’ve got time.

balls:  No, you don’t.  And no, we don’t.  There is no short cut to Joshua Tree.

tWBS:  So you’re telling me you want to skip the campus thing?

balls (thinking):  No, I am not telling you that.

tWBS:  Didn’t think so.

The two shower and dress quickly and are in Dave, heading north toward campus within a short time.  tWBS hangs a left onto University Drive…

balls begins to get very excited in the passenger seat.  He’s like a kid on Christmas morning…

balls (excitedly):  Did I ever tell you that when I was trying to choose a college, me and my family….

tWBS:  Yes.

balls:  … came here for a campus visit and…

tWBS:  Yes.

balls:  … and all of the girls and….

tWBS:  Yes.

balls begins to tear up, just a tiny bit…

balls:  Ohhhh…it’s just like I remembered.

tWBS:  It wasn’t my favorite bike route for nothing.  Yeeesh.  But we kinda gotta get moving.  We good?

balls:  Yeah…I guess.

tWBS:  I know, I know.  We can come back here too at some point.

balls:  Promise?

tWBS:  Yes.  Now let’s get going.  If I don’t find that secret entrance before dark, I won’t be able to find it again until morning.

balls:  Seriously dude, there’s no secret…..   You know what?  Let’s just go.

tWBS guides Dave out of Tempe and back onto the highway.  Soon, they have left Phoenix’s urban sprawl behind them and the road gets boring.  They drive for awhile until they hit California, then tWBS begins slowing way the fuck down.  The duo continues heading west on I-10 (La 10).  But even in spite of balls’ insistence, tWBS continues driving very slowly while searching for something that isn’t there….

tWBS:  I’m sure there was an entrance on this side.

balls:  There’s no entrance on this side.

tWBS:  No, really.  Last year, I drove thru here.  I KNOW I saw an entrance on this side.

balls:  No really, you didn’t.  I already told you that.  I already told you that you didn’t see an entrance on the south side.

tWBS:  How do you know what I did or did not see?  Huh?

balls:  I don’t know what you did see.  But I know you didn’t see a park entrance on this side because it doesn’t exist.   Just relax and drive.  All we have to do is just circle around.  We’ve got plenty of time.  That being said, it would be very helpful if you’d drive faster.  What’s wrong with you?

tWBS:  Well, I don’t want to stress the new-old Dave too much.  He’s had a difficult coupla days and….well…

balls:  You’re joking.  Please tell me you’re joking.

tWBS:  Fine…. maybe you have a point.  You hungry?  Need a potty break?

balls:  Potty?

tWBS:  Well…. I’m trying to, you know….be more socially acceptable n stuff.

balls:  Well, while I do admire your efforts….it’s gonna take a lot more than that to make YOU socially acceptable.

tWBS:  Well, that’s just mean.  I don’t think I like your tone mister.  How would you like to get out and walk?

balls:  It couldn’t be any slower than this.

tWBS:  Fine.  How about we don’t talk for a while?

balls says nothing.

tWBS:  I said….

balls:  I heard what you said.  I just already started.  How’s about you try it?

tWBS:

tWBS cries for a few minutes, then sets Dave’s cruise control.  The two drive, silently, for another 45 minutes when all of a sudden, Dave careens across all lanes and into the median….

balls:  WHAT THE FUCK DUDE?????

tWBS:  Fuck if I know…I was asleep.

balls:  ASLEEP????

tWBS:  Hey…big picture here for a moment….LOOK!!!!

balls looks over at tWBS.  He now sees that tWBS is neither steering Dave, nor controlling the brake/gas pedals.

balls:  DUDE!!!!!!

tWBS:  Trust me…just wait.  He does this sometimes.  Usually it turns out….mostly well.

balls:  WTF are you talking about?????

Dave accelerates thru the median and turns to head east on the opposite side.  Once he’s on the dry pavement and steady, he guns it.

balls:  What are you doing????

tWBS:  I told you.  It’s not me it’s Dave.  Sometimes he gets….antsy.

balls:  Antsy???????

tWBS:  Remember when you asked me if I thought Dave could drive himself home?

balls:  Holy fuck, so you’re not insane?

tWBS:  Well, let’s not get ahead of ourselves here.  Don’t dismiss the preponderance of evidence just because of this one data point….  you know what?  Just hold on!!!!!!

balls:  Way ahead of you!!!

Dave’s speedometer climbs steadily as he accelerates.  Weaving in and out of traffic, he passes everything in a blur.  After a moment, Dave eases into the slow lane and begins to slow his pace.

balls:  Dude, no shit….WTF just happened?

tWBS:  OK, every now and again Dave kinda gets a mind of his own.  Fighting it only makes it worse.  That’s how I got this scar…see?

tWBS points to a spot above his left eye.  balls says nothing.

tWBS:  So now, whenever Dave gets antsy, I just let him go.  Like I said usually it goes….mostly well.

balls:  Mostly?

tWBS thinks for a moment then says…  “Yes…mostly”.

Dave slows his pace even more as he approaches the vehicle directly ahead.  He does not pass it.

tWBS:  Ohhhhhhhhhh…shit.  Yeah, I get it now.

balls:  You get what?

tWBS:  I get why Dave just went mental.

balls:  Mind filling me in?

tWBS:  Yeah, no problem.  Dave’s horny.

balls:  Dave is….horny?  He’s a goddamned truck.

tWBS:  Yeah man.  I know.  But that’s Agnes.  Dave KNOWS Agnes.

balls:  Come again?  That’s not my idea of filling me in.

tWBS:  That’s what your mom said to….

balls:  GODDAMMIT THIS IS NOT THE TIME!!!!!!

tWBS:  Hehehe…sorry.  Hey, pull my finger?

balls:  I will fucking murder you right here right now.

tWBS:  Fine, fine.  But like I said….THAT’S Agnes.  Dave is a hopeless romantic.  Sorry, I should have told you.

tWBS points directly ahead toward the small SUV Dave is now tailing much too closely.

balls:  And how does Dave know that?  Or that Agnes is even in that truck?  Wait….he can’t see her……can he?

tWBS:  No man.  You’re not getting it.  OK, just watch this…

balls:  I really hate when rednecks say that.

tWBS:  Fair point.  Here, hold my beer.

balls:  That doesn’t make it better, you know?

tWBS:  Hehehe…..But don’t drink it…I’ll definitely need it back after this.

tWBS surrenders his half empty beverage and turns off cruise control.

tWBS:  Oh lookit that.  Cruise control was on.  Maybe that explains it….?

balls (sarcastically):  Ha fucking ha.

tWBS:  Sorry, too soon.  OK, here we go.

tWBS takes the reigns and eases over just ahead of an 18 wheeler, which is currently trying to pass on the left.  He mashes the accelerator and passes the silver FJ Cruiser they’d been tailing much too closely.  As they pass the vehicle, the driver flips them off.  tWBS doesn’t see it, but balls does.  He’s about to return the gesture when…..

balls:  Ummmmm, Dude….?

tWBS:  Inorite????

balls:  No really, this might not be a good idea.  I think you need to…..

tWBS:  TOO LATE!!!!!

tWBS swerves Dave hard (giggity) into the right lane and hits the brakes.  Unable to swerve left  (up yours, big truck) the silver FJ swerves hard right and onto the shoulder.

tWBS eases Dave over just ahead of the FJ and comes to a stop.

balls (angrily):  OK, what the hell was that?  You do realize who that is that you just….?

tWBS (nervously looking in rearview mirror):  Yes.  Yes I do.  This wasn’t my idea.

balls:  OK, I get that, but you still just almost killed us.

tWBS (still nervously looking in rearview mirror):  True.  But I didn’t.  And if you want to continue enjoying the benefits of still being alive….I’d lock that door if I were you.

balls:  Yeah…that’s a good point.

balls reaches up and locks his door.  A split second later, there is a violent banging sound as the driver of the vehicle behind them reaches the now locked passenger side door, demanding retribution.

balls:  What do we do?

tWBS:  Just give her a second or two.  It’ll register eventually.

Angry Driver:  You son of a ********ing *****.   I will ****ing murder your ****ing family.  I will rip you dog’s head off and **** down his neck.  I will rape your…..  (realization dawns….sort of) … Oh hey…it’s you guys.  Da Fuq you doing out here?

balls:  Ah, there it is.  Safe now.

tWBS:  Define “safe”.  You get out first.

balls:  Flip for it?

tWBS:  Nooooo, no way.  Get out.

Angry Driver:  Guys?  Hello? 

balls:  I don’t wanna get out.

tWBS:  Well we have to eventually.  Run for it?

balls:  Run for it!!!

tWBS:  On three?

balls:  Count it…

tWBS:  1….2….

balls:  What happened to 3?

tWBS:  Gimme my beer back first.

balls:  Why?

tWBS:  You might need your hands free.

balls hands tWBS his beer back.

tWBS:  Thanks.  And also…….3!!!!

On the count of three, both open their doors.  balls’ door hits the angry driver knocking her off stride for just a moment.  balls takes advantage and runs straight into the desert screaming like a girl, slamming the Dave door behind him.  tWBS remains seated, closes his door, relocks Dave, sips his beer and just waits as the angry driver sets off in pursuit of balls.

tWBS:  Right?  Like I’M the fucking dumbass.  Fancy a nap, Dave?  They’ll be back soon.

tWBS listens for a moment to a voice only he hears.

tWBS:  Nah, it wasn’t your fault.  He’ll be fine.  Probably.

tWBS listens again.

tWBS:  Oh right, sorry.  That WAS the whole reason for this.  Wasn’t it?

tWBS looks in his side mirror and sees no approaching traffic.  He cuts the wheel left, shifts to reverse and guns it out and around Agnes.  He pulls Dave back around to the shoulder, shifts again, and pulls up as close behind Agnes as he can.

tWBS:  Yeah you’re right.  She does have a really sweet ass.

–

Twenty minutes later, tWBS stands outside of Dave, leaning on the passenger side of the bed, drinking a fresh beer.  In the distance, off in the desert, he sees a lone figure approaching.  As the figure gets closer, he sees that it’s balls.  tWBS kills his beer.

tWBS:  Are you OK?

balls:  Yes, no thanks to you.

tWBS:  Sorry man, I had to.

balls:  No, it’s alright.  I get it.  You can’t help being a pussy.

tWBS:  Hey!!!!  Yeah, no…that’s fair.  So how’d you lose her?  I mean I presume you….

balls:  I didn’t lose her!!  She ran me down like a dog and tortured me, you asshole.  It was like fucking Fallujah out there.

tWBS:  Whaddya mean?  Then where….is….she…..?

balls:  Payback’s a bitch.

tWBS:  Dammit!!!!

tWBS turns slowly.  Standing on the opposite side of Dave’s bed is Covalent Blonde.

CB:  Hello Asshole!!!!!

tWBS begins to back up slowly, away from Dave.

CB reaches into the Dave bed and pulls out a large and very heavy Officially Licensed Tecate red glass water bong.

CB:  You ran me off the road you ****.

balls:  Sorry man, I had to tell her.  She wouldn’t stop hitting me.

tWBS (still backing up slowly):  Heh heh…ok…everybody take it easy.  Let’s just be cool and talk about this and….

CB:  I am going to beat you to death with this….this…..what the fuck is this thing?

tWBS:  It’s an Officially Licensed Tecate red glass water bong.  And also please don’t break it.  It’s kinda rare.  The guy at the store said it was one of only….

CB:  Shut Up!!!!!

tWBS:  OK…ok.  But just be cool.  The bong didn’t hurt anybody.  Just put the innocent bong down, step away from it slowly, and let’s talk about this like calm rational adults….  huh, there’s a sentence I never thought I’d say.

CB:  Why would you even buy this crap?  WTF is wrong in your brain?

tWBS (nervously):  Well see we were in Mexico, and the exchange rate, and metal in my ass and….

CB (to tWBS):  OK, just stop.  Please.  You’re giving me a headache … (Turning to balls) … What is this dimwit talking about?

tWBS:  Besides it was Dave’s idea.

CB (angrily back to tWBS now):  Who the fuck is Dave???

Angry now, tWBS shakes his head in disgust.

tWBS:  How dare you?  You should know better …  (to Dave) … DAVE????

Dave’s horn honks, startling CB.  She drops the Officially Licensed Tecate red glass water bong and it breaks on the graveled roadside into thousands of tiny red glass shards.

tWBS:  Awwwww, man!!!

balls:  Dude….big picture.  Remember?

CB (to balls):  Is he like, mentally challenged or something?

balls (sighing):  If you only knew how many times I’ve been asked that recently….

tWBS (giggling now):  Inorite????????

balls (still speaking to CB):  ….and yes, I think so.  But he is right about this.  It was spooky.

CB:  What was?

balls (to tWBS):  You wanna tell her?

tWBS:  Fuck no.  She broke my bong.  You tell her.

–

Half an hour later, balls and Covalent Blonde sit along the roadside talking, while tWBS leans against Dave sulking about his now dead Officially Licensed Tecate red glass water bong.

CB:  So what you’re telling me is that the two of you have been driving for over a week now, pretty much non-stop…

balls:  Yes.

CB:  All over the desert of California, Mexico and Arizona?

balls:  Yes.

CB:  And you’ve been following these dumbass clues for no reason at all….?

balls:  Yes….wait, no.  I mean yes we’ve been following the clues.  But not for no reason.

CB:  And tell me one more time why?

balls:  To find HER.

CB:  Her….  And Ricky Retardo over there…..you say his truck is named Dave and it came alive and ran me down.  Is that truly what I’m hearing?

balls:  Well when you say it like that….

CB:  Because it’s in love with Agnes.

balls:  Well, I don’t think Dave would like you referring to him as “It”.  But…yes.

CB:  Wow balls…you know I expect this kinda stupid shit from him.  But you….?

balls:  Hey now, that’s not….

CB:  No balls.  I’m serious.  You’re driving around the desert with that shitmonkey, and he’s telling you his truck is alive and is in love with…

tWBS (quietly from a distance):  Ummmm…guys….?

CB:  …my truck.  Then you let him endanger not only your lives, but also mine and everyone else he passed….

balls:  No, it wasn’t like that…

tWBS (louder now):  Hey Guys!

CB:  And then you sit here and try to hand me some bullshit story about how….

tWBS:  HEY GUYS!!!!!!

Both Angrily:  WHAT????

tWBS points at Agnes.

tWBS:  Come look at this.

The two join tWBS at Agnes’ rear end (giggity).

tWBS (pointing):  What is that?

CB:  What’s what?

tWBS leans over and points at a particular decal on Agnes’ bumper.  CB leans in for a closer look.

CB:  It’s a pass, from some weekend when I was climbing.  They all are.

tWBS:  Yes, but this one in particular?

CB:  Ummmm….one weekend at Joshua Tree…I think?

balls and tWBS look at one another.

balls:  Where specifically did you climb that weekend?

–

balls and Covalent Blonde hug it out.

balls:  She’s leaving now.

tWBS:  Yeah, I can see.

balls:  You wanna say goodbye?

tWBS:  Fuck no.  She broke my bong.

CB:  Well fine then you whiny fucking bitch.  I owe you THIS, at least, for running me off road anyway…

Covalent Blonde punches tWBS in the chest…HARD.  He goes down in a heap, losing his breath.  After a moment he gasps the words…

tWBS:  You..  Also..  Owe..  Me..  A bong..

CB (laughing):  Yeah, OK numbnuts.  Good luck with that.  And also I’m taking all of this stuff….

tWBS tries to stand and object, but balls grabs his arm.

balls:  Dude, just stay down.  Pick your battles…ya know?

Covalent Blonde reaches into the Dave bed and takes both surfboards, a Tecate wall clock, a Tecate mirror, a Tecate shot glass variety pack, and 3 different inflatable Tecate lawn figures.  She loads her haul into Agnes, slams the tailgate closed and climbs into the driver’s seat.  She speeds off without looking back.  Our heroes stand in stunned silence for a few moments, then tWBS finally says…

tWBS:  I’m sorry she beat you up.

balls:  She didn’t beat me up.

tWBS:  Yeah sure…ok.

balls:  I’m sorry she took all the stuff.

tWBS:  Meh.  It’s just stuff.  We’ll get more.  You OK?

balls:  Yeah.  You?

tWBS (smiling):  Yeah, I think I am.  Let’s go.

As the two go to get back into Dave, tWBS looks into the Dave bed and pulls out a Tecate T-shirt variety 3pack.

tWBS:  Hahahahaha…joke’s on her.  SCORE….!!!!

balls can only laugh.

balls:  Get the fuck outta here?

tWBS:  Get the fuck outta here….indeed.  We’ve got more important places to be.

 

To Be Continued…..