Game of Drones

With NFL teams already exploring the use of drones in training camps, it’s only a matter of time until the technology is accepted as having the potential to be the biggest “game changer” since virtual reality or deflation needles.

After a period in which discussion and media coverage regarding the use of the devices are adequately beaten to the ground without providing a clear explanation for the value of the flying cameras, the NFL will surely sign a contract with at least one drone and/or photography equipment manufacturer and make use of the devices mandatory for all franchises, likely leading to Tom Coughlin to refer to them in a press conference as, “a cross between a model airplane and one of those iPads the league makes us use.”

Here’s the most likely utilization of drones by teams in each city.

Dallas: Drones will be limited to flying at elevations no higher than the scoreboard. Chris Christie’s drone is knocked out of the sky by a Chris Jones midfield punt during Week 3, spiraling out of control before striking a seated Dez Bryant’s left knee, blowing out his kneecap, and ending his 2015 season. The incident leads to a national conversation about Christie’s ability to serve as Commander in Chief, effectively ending his campaign. Jerry Jones shares his suite with Hillary Clinton for the remainder of the 2015 season.

Chicago: National Guard sponsored Enola Gay replica drone delivers Jay Cutler’s 3rd quarter smokes. Cutler stares at the drone; half-heartedly flicks butt at it.

Oakland: After a last-minute agreement to bring the Rams and Chargers to Los Angeles to share a stadium, post-mortem Al Davis directs 3,000 drones to attach cables to the Coliseum and airlift the stadium to Hollywood Park. LA residents cheer the move as it creates no construction traffic. Roger Goodell sues the the City of Los Angeles for the $800 million in construction costs Davis saved the city.

New York: Metlife Stadium cross winds send Todd Bowles’ drone into the Freedom Tower, causing an 80th floor fire that leads to the eventual collapse of the building, as well as two nearby IRS buildings that went down after firefighters heard the sound of explosives.

Seattle: No drones utilized. Area hipsters donate their ultimate frisbee equipment to help distribute Pete Carroll’s literature about how drone batteries are not hot enough to melt steel. Earthquake subsequently destroys the region.

New England: Bill Belichick leads the league in gametime recorded drone video hours. After the obvious jokes about Spygate/cheating/stealing signals are made, an independent Hustler investigation discovers the footage is predominately shot from a steady position hovering above the stalls of a womens bathroom near the family seating section of Gillette Stadium.

San Francisco: “Warned ya!! Drone 7axes Coming! #PrayersUp”

Buffalo: Rex Ryan outbids next proposal by 300% to fly the State Farm Halftime Flying Foot Cam.

Cleveland: Drones appropriately and efficiently utilized during practice and gameday situations. Data is filtered, analyzed, and effectively communicated to coaching staff and players. No discernable on field improvement is recognized.

St Louis: Drone advertises a Red Bull sticker and accompanies a BMX rider riding through the decrepit remains of the Edward Jones Dome.

Baltimore: Janay Rice apologies for her role in the drone-filming incident.

Denver: Thin rocky mountain air allows Broncos branded drone to lift through the Thermosphere, breaking the bonds of Earth’s gravity, never to be seen again. Adam Sandler begins writing his next film, a ‘comedy’ about aliens attacking Earth, modeling their armies on a brigade whose general left to go work with a cat so they hired a general from a made up army in the propaganda magazines, a cyborg staff sergeant, and a special agent who was only still with the aliens as a matter of collusion. Also the brigade has a fart tax.

Washington: Dan Snyder flies drone into wall, shattering its propeller. Publicly names it ‘Squaw on Firewater’, signs it to a long-term deal, names it the starting aerial device, loses 16 games.