For your non-reading, non-pleasure – while you no doubt enjoy the Huddersfield/City and Spurs/Mighty Whitey double bill on NBCSN:

Son of Spam

NFC: Rams over the Saints because I’m an unabashed homer (mmmm…beer…) and the Gumbo offense has been kinda mediocre for a while. Let’s say 106-20.

AFC: Chiefs beat the Evil Empire by 10, and the world rejoices. Pat Mahomes is great and fun to watch and will outplay son-kisser to set up a reeeel fun Superb Owl. I AM READY FOR SOME FOOTBALL STOP ASKING ME THAT QUESTION TEEVEE.

Senor Weaselo

NFC: RAMMIT would be more fun, and again, no nice things allowed. Take the Saints and we all watch the Superb Owl blowbang on mute.

AFC: There’s an eclipse which I think makes Tom Brady his strongest. Or weakest and solar eclipse the strongest. I didn’t play that Castlevania. Either way someone needs to drive a stake into Brady’s heart (figuratively, and possibly literally, considering if he doesn’t age he must be a vampire, and as he hasn’t been burnt to cinders in day games, one of them sparkly Twilight ones), and I don’t trust Andy to not eat it medium rare. Also we’re not allowed to have nice things. So we’d like to say it’ll be the passing of the torch soon but Brady’ll drink Mahomes’s ketchup blood or something and gain his vitality and the P*ts win.

Beer Guy Rob

NFC: Aqib Talib can’t steal enough chains to slow down the Saints. GUMBO! 30-14.

AFC: It’s either “Fuck you, Tom Brady” or “FUCK YOU! Tom Brady.” Chiefs 20-10.

Brett Favre’s Colonoscopy

NFC: I’ll preface by saying I will be pulling for the Rams and Chiefs, but the world is a cruel place.  Breesus and St. Michael Thomas heal the offensive anemia and throw up 40+ in the dome; Jared Goff, like Jared Kushner, can’t keep it up and fails to emerge victorious.

AFC: The Chiefs at home under a lunar eclipse should be good, but Reid thinks it’s a moon over my hammy and returns to form, Chefs 17, evil empire 24. Great googily moogily.

Game Time Decision

NFC: I’m expecting a shoot out and last posession wins. Thinking old man Brees wins this and the superb owl and goes out on top. I’d bet the over if I had any money. I cannot wait for some fun gadget and trick plays from both sides as they’ll both need ever point and yard they can get to keep up with the other,

AFC:  I think that as much as I want KC to win, NE is going to ground and pound them into submission. The football will be a brick and KC’s offense won’t be able to air it out like they are used to and then the KC defense won’t be able to keep NE off the field. Also Reid will make up for his last few weeks of good timeout management and really really fuck it up this week.

Balls of Steel and Fury

NFC: As for the Rams, I do think they have a real decent shot to win and i’m prepared to pay the $100 and the money for the whiskey bottle. Home field advantage for the Saints will be big though and may turn out to be the difference.

AFC: I said it from the beginning: NE v NO. Nothing is getting in the way of, as Hippo calls it, The Narrative Bowl. FWIW, it would be nice to have KC win so we can have Pats Schadenfreude Day early, but Belichick has a way of game-planning that turns rookie QBs doing well into rookie QBs. It’s Sinderella time and by that I mean it’s time to watch porn instead of football.

King Hippo

NFC: I could see this game playing out a zillion different ways, with 90% of them being “decided on the last possession” close.  As much as I love the CJ Anderson storyline, I think N’Awlins is able to stop the run at home better than DAL did in LA last weekend.  I also don’t buy that Gurley Man is anywhere close to healthy.  Breesus really wants this one, and thy will be done.  Saints 41, RRRRRRRRRRRAM IT!! 38.

AFC: Here?  Here I see things more clearly.  Frigid Arrowhead, tonight, is where the Andy Reid meme dies.  He finally has his QB, and as he showed in the snow v. the Humps – he has no fear, is not affected by the elements, and embraces the spotlight and the pressure of the moment.  Damien Williams is a quiet hero for KC, and is every bit the equal of NE’s platoon system.  But throwing the ball, I do expect Old Man Brady to feel the cold more, and he really only has JEWKAH! as a real weapon now.  Reid will take him away, or at least sharply limit his production in a way that Clippers du Merde laughably failed to even attempt.  Torch passed.  Chefs 34, P*ts 17.

Litre_Cola: Rammit v Breesus et al, I think this will be lower scoring than most anticipate and if the RAMMITS can cover Thomas with Talib then I am taking LA +3.