Ah, September. The most glorious month of all. Football returns. Humidity abates. This is our last Saturday full of footy. But worry not, October pretty much kicks ass too. SLEEPING WEATHER!!

But first, your EPL morning. I know you all must be heartbroken that Everton is slated for England’s version of MNF (3:00pm, NBCSN) this week. I know I am!! And it’s not that bad a matchup, I had no idea West Brom were on 8 points. I always assume they are sucking hind teat. Anyway, I digress. Manchester City plays the ass-crack of dawn (7:45 EST, NBCSN) fixture, and will take out their anger on the poor Hot Spurs of Tottenham. It’s a good test of whether City are truly mortal, or just had one of them days last week against the suddenly 3rd place Hammers (who try to avoid a trap fixture against mid-table but quite meh Norwich at 10 on Extra Time).

The main 10:00 MSNBC game is kind of a dog, 2nd place Manure against dead last Sunderland, but the team frustrated contenders have learned to call “Fuckin’ Sunderland, man” over the past two years is anything but predictable. Fortunately, USA has your back with a cracker matchup of 4th place Leicester and 5th place Arsenal.

You are free to switch to JV footy at noon this week. Woof.

Watford and Palace square off (11:00, NBCSN) in the only Sunday fixture, and that one could be well worth your time. Palace is considerably more progressive and interesting, but each side is on 9 points so far.

[JV Footy Door Flies Open]

BYU at Michigan (noon, ABC)

Have you ever seen a group of pissed off Mormons? This may be your chance. I like that mental image, combined with that of Harbaugh suffering. Worth a look-see.

Georgia Tech at Duke (noon, ESPN2)

This game will set back offense 50 or 60 years. The winner of this game will be in the driver’s seat of its division, and thus a seat in the championship game of a so-called major conference. The world, it just makes no fucking sense. Still, anyone but U*NC.

Central Florida at South Cakalaky (noon, ESPNU)

I just wanted to point out that this is a nationaly televised game. The teams’ combined record is 1-5. The only team vanquished is U*NC. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA

Maryland at West By God Virginia (3:00, FS1)

This has always been, and by transitive properly, always shall be, an entertaining shitshow. Nobody fears the turtle. You think WCS ain’t gon drank?

Tennessee at Florida (3:30, CBS)

Remember when this game mattered? Yeah, I old.

TCU at Texas Tech (4:45, Fox)

I like that this game starts at such an odd time, on a major broadcast network. My brain is a strange place. TCU scored 82 on the Red Raiders last year. Guns up, indeed.

NC State at South Alabama (8:00, ESPN News)

OH YEAH! We finally made the broadcast version of the ESPN family of networks. And we get to break into full Communist mode. DOWN WITH USA!! Capitalist pig dogs!!!

UCLA at Arizona (8:00, ABC)

Wait, you wanted a REAL game to watch? Probably go with this one, then. I’m not sure if either team is any good, really. But there will probably be ample scoring.

Utah at Oregon (8:30, Fox)

Also a real game, also from the Pac 12. A good chance to see just how shitty Oregon is this season. I could see Utah really shitting all over them, if what I saw during the Sparty game is any harbinger of teh future.

USC at Arizona State (10:30, ESPN)

For young people, insomniacs, and various tweakers. I will probably DVR it, since they is no early EPL fixture.