Las Razones Por Que Su Equipo Chupando: Paraguay Edicion

Paraguayan National Football and Competitive Barbershop Quartet Team 

First off, I’d like to apologize to our Spanish-speaking DFOers for my atrocious butchering of a beautiful language.

Second off, I’d like to apologize to our non-Spanish-speaking for exposing you to Spanish.  According to my aunt’s Facebook posts, having to listen to even as little as “Para Español, oprima 2” makes us all Less Free.

Third off, I’d like to apologize to our non-English-speaking DFOers, because Monkey table compass nuts.

Now that this is all out of the way, we can proceed with the business of the day: PARAGUAYAN FUTBOL FEVER

GET TESTED FOR IT!!!!!

Ok, that ends the fun portion of the preview. Otherwise, it’s just going to be a parade of busty South American women in (and I use the term “in” loosely) tops that make them like look like either barber poles or pokeballs. And no one wants that, right?

So no one is really giving Paraguay much of a chance, and frankly it’s easy to see why. They have had some historical success. They made the 2010 World Cup quarterfinals, largely on the strength of having a group consisting of Slovakia, New Zealand and a self-destructing Italy.  They are remarkable primarily for having reached the 2011 Copa America Final despite not winning a single game- all ties and later penalty kicks. Hurray for soccer!

Paraguay are very much in the back-middle of the pack based on everything I’m seeing- their betting odds are hovering somewhere between “not likely” and “at least they’re better than Qatar.” They are headlined (for my anglophone-centric purposes) by Miguel Almiron, who has the distinction of making it to the Premier League AFTER playing in MLS instead of before he was washed up and missing key limbs.  Almiron was sold to the Premier League for a record $21 million after helping Atlanta win a “title”.  Unfortunately for him, he signed with Newcastle, did relatively little in 10 games then got injured.  He’s back in time for the tournament, but expectations are not high. West Ham’s Fabián Balbuena is also on the squad, which also features twins Angel and Oscar Romero. Cuz twins are cool.

So yeah. I guess the Albirroja (White and Red) are…um…plucky? I mean, at least they don’t have that Suarez asshole, which automatically makes them the better Guay.

Frankly, the entire country deserves better than the shallow and poorly-researched “preview” I’ve given it. It is one of only two landlocked countries in South America and has largely been picked on throughout its history- Argentina, Brazil and Uruguay signed the Treaty of Triple Alliance in 1865 for the express purpose of fucking Paraguay’s shit up, which in turn lost better than half its population in the resulting war.  Its 100% hydroelectric. Guarani, the pre-Spanish language of the region has largely been preserved, with 95% of the population understanding it. It’s the world’s second largest producer of tung oil, which is significantly less sexy now that I’ve learned what it actually is. Still, it deserves our respect.

So yeah. Paraguay is passionate about its football but not very good at it right now, which I suppose makes it perfect for a Bills fan like me to adopt. The tailgates are probably good…