Raiders at the Bye: Hope Springs Eternal

EXT. COUNTRY CLUB PATIO LOUNGE – DAY

Three well-dressed gentlemen sit comfortably in chairs around a circular table. A splendid array of hors d’oeuvres sits in front of them. A waiter arrives with a tray of cocktails and sets them down.

XAVIER: [takes a sip of his Vesper martini] Ah, bye week.

HENDRICK: It’s quite the welcome respite from the tedium of the regular season.

WINCHESTER: Indeed, indeed. Though I must admit I am feeling considerably less demoralized than I was last season.

X: Quite so. Young Master Carr is progressing quite nicely.

H: At the moment, he’s looking to be the top quarterback in his class. Eight touchdowns to only three interceptions, and one could make arguments to excuse him of culpability for each of the three. His arm was hit on the first, the second was bobbled by his receiver directly into the arms of a linebacker, and the third whistled right past an oblivious Seth Roberts’ head on a hot read.

X: A costly mistake. Were it not for that reversal of fortune and Sebastian Janikowski’s shocking lapse of competence, the Raiders might have been able to beat our alpine nemeses.

W: It’s a far cry from the drubbing to suffered at their hooves last year.

H: Or the year before that.

W: Or 2012. Xavier, do you recollect how your broker attempted to persuade you to divest some of your holdings in anticipation of the Mayan apocalypse?

X: And in the same breath predicted a Raiders win? Ha ha, the cocaine-addled fool! I ordered my solicitor to move my accounts over to King Street Capital within the hour.

H: Gentlemen, let’s not dwell in the past. Let’s look to the future! Which I believe that young Master Carr represents for this franchise. He’s shown considerable development, and now that he has a pair of genuine weapons in an as-advertised Amari Cooper and a resurgent Michael Crabtree, he’s looking stronger each week. He continues to take good care of the football, but he’s also eschewing the checkdowns that defined his 2014 campaign and taking more shots downfield. Although I find the metric to be dreadfully archaic, Carr is sporting a quarterback rating of 93.9 for the season thus far.

W: Very respectable. I feel that his drive against Baltimore in their first win of the season marked a genuine turning point for the franchise.

X: Of course, with the pass protection the Raiders’ offensive line has provided, any quarterback would have a chance to excel.

H: They have been magnificent thus far. Particularly left guard Gabe Jackson.

W: Indeed, but as a unit they have been lacking somewhat in the run game. Latavius Murray hasn’t turned out to be quite the bell cow* they had imagined would lead the team to finer pastures, but he’s been adequate. Assuming, that is, you discount his attempt to single-handedly torpedo their game against the Bears.

H: Many of our fellow fans are venting their spleens about that particular loss, but I’m unperturbed. It’s difficult to win two games in a row while on the road, and in their comeback against Kansas City, the Bears proved that they’re not ready to give up on their season quite yet.

X: I’m happy to celebrate the victories that they *do* have at this point. Aside from an embarrassing defeat at the hands of a Bengals team that looks poised to finally deliver some postseason success, the Raiders have played competitively in every game this year.

W: Their defense, though…

H: Now Winchester, take heart! Although the defense looked frightfully incompetent through the first three games of the season, the coaching staff has shown themselves willing to learn from their mistakes and make appropriate adjustments. Inserting rookie Neiron Ball into the lineup to help with coverage worked brilliantly against Denver, and he should see more snaps going forward. Recent acquisition Aldon Smith seems to have found his footing, and after a slow start Khalil Mack has resumed performing at the expected level. The defense hasn’t given up a touchdown in the last six quarters of play – surrendering only five field goals in that time.

W: And let’s not forget how much of a bright spot Ron Charles Woodson has been, despite his age.  One would suspect the man’s biography had been penned by Oscar Wilde.

X: What do you gentlemen see for the remainder of the upcoming season?

W: I’m hoping that rookie tight end Clive Walford will begin to play a bigger role. He was injured throughout most of training camp, and I anticipate that he’ll be able to contribute at a high level going forward.

H: I think the team has already turned a major corner. I think over the remainder of the season we’ll see fewer mistakes, and I think the odds are good that they finish at 7-9. I’d like to see Mario Edwards Jr. moved into a rotation on defensive line; I feel he has a lot to contribute and with his help the starters can stay fresh further into games.

X: I’m optimistic as well. As much as I’d love for us to compete for a playoff berth, I don’t think we’re quite there yet.

W: A shame we don’t play in the AFC South!

X: Ha ha ha! So true. I do think the Raiders have an excellent chance to finish second in their division, and as long as our young players continue to develop, the franchise finally has a future to look forward to.

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Law-abiding Raiders fan, pet owner, Los Angeles resident.
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ballsofsteelandfury

I want an ounce/bottle of whatever you were smoking/drinking when you wrote this. Truly inspired work.

King Hippo

I still see this team making the playoffs at 9-7. And winning the re-match at Mile High.

Old School Zero

THESE RAIDERS I CALL LAMAR ODOM BECAUSE THEY’RE MY DYSFUNCTIONAL SLEEPER PICK RIGHT NOW!

Porky Prime

“A fine jest, but you need to work in the whores.”

–Rob Ryan

Big Black Richard

OSZ, I’m actually ashamed of myself for not being as horrible a person as you are. Bravo, good sir.

entropy

I basically pictured these guys:

http://www.legana.org/e-newz/images/2014/08aug2014/2014aug31/grumpy_old-statler-and-waldorf.jpg

And the Blue Eagle dude as the three characters here. Made an already entertaining read that much better. Thanks.

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

Sam. Sam the American Eagle.

entropy

Thank you. I couldn’t be bothered to look him up.

blaxabbath

I do enjoy seeing the Raiders improve. Unless they make it to LA. Then I hope they turn a 180 and go back to being the JaguRaiders.

sunrisesunrise

Did Charles Woodson change his name to Ron and I didn’t notice? Or did he get suspended and the Raiders signed his twin brother that no one knew he had all this time?

sunrisesunrise

I believe in telling not spelling as much as the next person here but that was too far off the mark. Actually looked to see if it was Rod Woodson but alas it was Charles that is still in uniform.

laserguru

Shit, if I didn’t write while drunk I wouldn’t be able to contribute at all.

Why Thank You Eddie

Lester Hayes: Umm, a little help here?

H: Old Chap would you kindly pass the bath salts, I have some hankering for some vagabond meat. Would you care to join me for a hunt?

X: Righto, old boy, I think that sounds delightful, let us get the hounds!

W: I’ll fetch the cleavers!

montythisseemsstrangetome

Pretty sure Randolph had to pay Mortimer $1 after reading this post.

nomonkeyfun

Ah, so that’s the explanation behind the second Art Shell hiring.