Football Actually

For some reason, I always get inspired in the shower.  This morning, for some unexplicable reason, my thoughts turned to the worst movie ever made:  Love Actually.  I thought of all those despicable couples and how their stories are all intertwined and so lame and no one really stands out for being any good.   So, of course, I saw the link to the 2015 NFL season instantly.

In no particular order, here are the love stories in Love Actually translated into this year’s NFL teams:

Plot from IMDB:  With the help of his longtime manager Joe (Gregor Fisher), aging rock and roll legend Billy Mack (Bill Nighy) records a Christmas variation of The Troggs’ classic hit “Love Is All Around”. Although he thinks the record is terrible, Mack promotes the release in the hope it will become the Christmas number one single. The song does go to number one; after briefly celebrating his victory at a party hosted by Sir Elton John, Billy recognizes that Joe is the love of his life and suggests that he and Joe celebrate Christmas by getting drunk and watching porn.

NFL Team:  Green Bay Packers.  The gay jokes write themselves, folks.  Billy Mack is Aaron Rodgers and Joe is Mike McCarthy.   I mean, he even looks like him!

After a few trials and tribulations (tribulations always follow trials, btw), the team of two gets to #1 before another song takes the top spot.  Similarly, the Packers will win their division and crash out of the playoffs.

Plot from IMDB:  You know what, fuck it, we all know the story.  Creepy McCreeperston lusts after Kiera Knightley even though she just married Peter (/black dick joke!) and creates a wonderful meme:

NFL Team:  Houston Texans.   God, I wish this storyline didn’t exist in the same way the Texans don’t.  Kiera, of course, is the defense, headed by J.J. “I’m pretty and perfect except not really” Watt and Brian Hoyer and T.J. Yates are her suitors.  I hate all these people so so so so much. She is fucking weak and strings both of them along.  The truth is they are both horrible choices and the whole triangle is an abomination.  For some godforsaken reason, a lot of people like this storyline, which I equate to the fact that this team is in the AFC South and SOMEONE has to get into the playoffs.  This team and storyline can go die in a monster truck tire fire.

Hugh Grant plays the Prime Minister while Natalie is played by … a nameless somebody.  They basically break every HR rule yet completely get away with it, their love is allowed to flourish and everyone praises them and thinks they’re the best.  Yep, they’re the New England Patriots!

This is one of the saddest stories.  Sarah is on the verge of having it all.  The new guy she likes and has been lusting for all these years is interested in her and they finally go back to her place and things are getting good when, like clockwork, her mentally ill brother snaps her dream and takes her back to reality.  New dude can’t deal and Sarah is left loveless again.

NFL Team:  Cincinnati Bengals.  Poor Andy Dalton.  Yeah, she’s a ginger too…

Colin can’t buy a break.  He does incredibly poorly in his own country and thinks that if he can only leave and go to another one, his chances will increase and he can actually score.  This being a horrible movie, of course he does, but he’s still a dipshit.

NFL Team:  Jacksonville Jaguars.   Hey, those sex cabanas have to be good for something…

By far my favorite couple and really the most realistic out of all of them.  They get the fundamentals of relationships right in that they are really good at doing the important things right yet are a little bit shy about taking the next step.  They go slowly, but darn it if those kids are not going to make it after all!

NFL Team:  Carolina Panthers.

I can’t stomach anymore.  Your suggestions in the comments…