[INT. – Natick Mall Christmas display. Despite the ongoing COVID pandemic, we see lines of happy shoppers, as well as a gaggle of small children eagerly awaiting their chance to meet Santa Claus.]

SULLY THE ELF: Listen up all youse kids! Santa’s just runnin’ a couple minutes behind sched but should be here-ah pretty soon.

[A belch is head somewhere offscreen.]

SULLY THE ELF: Ah, dere he is now!

[SANTAWMMY FROM QUINZEE lumbers into the atrium, scratching his ass, beard askew on his dirty face. He spits his dip on the ground as he slowly lowers himself down onto his Santa Claus chair.]

SANTAWMMY: OK LISTEN UP YOU LITTLE FACKS. WHO’S GOIN’ FIRST HERE-AH?

[A small boy, about five years old, flashes a big smile and steps forward.]

SANTAWMMY: MAKE IT QUICK, KID. SANNA’S GOTTA GET BACK TA THAH… UH… NAHTH POLE… BY SIX. GOTTA SEE HIS… UH… PAROLE ELF.

LITTLE BOY: Wow, Santa, you smell bad.

SANTAWMMY: KID SHUT THE FACK UP AND JUST TELL ME WHAT THE FACK YOU PUT ON YAH LIST.

LITTLE BOY: You’re using a lot of naughty words, Santa. But fine. This year I reeeeeeeeeeally want a complete collection of Pokemon branded NFTs. They’re sooooooo cool!

SANTAWMMY: WHAT THAH FACK IS AN NFT? AND AIN’T THEM POKEYMONS THOSE LITTLE DUMB CAHTOON ANIMALS OAH WHATEVAH? WHAT THAH FACK YOU GONNA USE THOSE FOAH?

LITTLE BOY: But Santa… NFTs are the future of finance! My dad works at ChaseBank! He said so!

SANTAWMMY: YOU STILL AIN’T TELL ME WHAT THAH FACK THEY AHH. WHY NOT SOMETHIN’ COOL LIKE A FOOTBALL OAH SOMETHIN’?

LITTLE BOY: Dad says that I might get hurt. Also, he’s a Colts fan, so he’s tired of being disappointed all the time. He says finance is a much better hobby.

SANTAWWMY: YOUAH DAD DOESN’T KNOW SHIT ABOUT FOOTBALL. FACKIN’ KIDS DOIN’ FINANCE INSTEADA RUNNIN’ AROUND? THIS IS WHY THAH GREATRIOTS AHH GONNA WIN IT ALL AGAIN! THEY JUST GOTTA KEEP THAH PRESSAH UP AND NEUTRALIZE THAH RUN GAME… DAT JONATHAN TAYLAH THOMAS OAH WHOEVAH NEEDS TAH GO BACK TAH HOME IMPROVEMENT. THAH COLTS CAN FACK OFF BACK TA THEYAH TUBS OF LAHHD!

LITTLE BOY: I don’t think you’re the real Santa. You don’t even know what an NFT is.

SANTAWMMY: NOBODY KNOWS WHAT THE FACK THEY AHH, KID. NOW GET LOST.

[As the LITTLE BOY leaves glumly, a LITTLE GIRL, probably about seven years old, saddles up next.]

LITTLE GIRL: OK, Santa, here’s the deal. I just have one thing to ask you… but it’s very important that it HAS to be pink. If it’s not pink, I will SCREAM.

SANTAWMMY: [disinterestedly] YEAH, WHATEVAH. SHOOT.

LITTLE GIRL: This year, I want my very own custom Bitcoin and Ethereum MINING RIG! And remember… it has to be PINK!

SANTAWMMY: [aside, to himself] WHAT THAH FACK IS WRONG WITH KIDS THESE DAYS? [back to LITTLE GIRL] SANTA HAS NO IDEA WHAT YAH’RE EVEN TALKIN’ ABOUT, KID.

LITTLE GIRL: [sniffling now, eyes welling up] But Santa… I’ve been so good this year! I aced online school and I did all my chores and my crypto portfolio is up 350% since June!

SANTAWMMY: OK DON’T CRY. CUT THAT OUT. STAHP IT. FINE. I’LL TRY. BUT WHAT THAH FACK IS CRYPTOCURRENCY? CAN I EVEN SPEND THAT ON REAL SHIT? CAN I PAY BILLS WITH IT? ‘CAUSE I FACKIN’ HATE BILLS, ESPECIALLY MY CHILD SUPPAHT AND ALL BUFFALO RELATED ONES. REMEMBAH DAT IF YOU JUST KEEP RUNNIN THE BILLS CAN’T FIND YA… DAMIEN HARRIS AND RHAMONDRE STEVENSON PROVED THAT IN WEEK THAHTEEN.

LITTLE GIRL: Santa, are you telling me you’re not mining Ethereum? Not even Litecoin or Dogecoin? Nothing?? I’m disappointed. The inflation of fiat currency is a serious problem, and I’m worried about the rising cost of Christmas presents for kids across the globe…

SANTAWMMY: OK TIME’S UP. MOVE ALONG. ALMOST SIX. GOT TIME FAH ONE MOAH. LET’S GO.

[A child steps up to Santa. They won’t remove their coat, hat, or mask. It’s unclear if they even want to be in the lineup to meet Santa.]

SMALL CHILD: [whispering something inaudibly]

SANTAWMMY: SPEAK UP KID. WE AIN’T GOT ALL DAY HEAH.

SMALL CHILD: [still inaudible but slightly louder]

SANTAWMMY: LOUDAH!

SMALL CHILD: [in a deep, rumbling, horrifying voice] I WISH FOR YOU TO ABOLISH GENDER THIS HOLIDAY SEASON.

[SANTAWMMY and SULLY THE ELF exchange a confused, scared glance at each other.]

SANTAWMMY: YOU’AH SCARIN’ THE SHIT OUTTA ME RIGHT NOW, KID. DO YAH MEAN GENDAH ROLES?

SMALL CHILD: [in a deep, rumbling, horrifying voice] NO. I WISH TO ABOLISH GENDER IN ITS ENTIRETY. ONLY WHEN WE FREE OURSELVES FROM THE PRISON OF PHYSICAL BODIES CAN WE TRANSCEND THIS PLANE OF EXISTENCE INTO A HIGHER FORM.

SANTAWMMY: KID I WILL DO WHATEVAH THAH FACK YOU ASK BUT I NEED YOU TO LEAVE RIGHT NOW BECAUSE I HAVE THAH FACKIN’ CREEPS.

[The SMALL CHILD evaporates into thin air.]

SULLY THE ELF: Trevah Lahhrence is kinda a longhaiyahd nancyboy, ain’t he, Tawmmy? Maybe the Pats’ D-line just needs to go out and pound him intah chowdah when they play the Jags in Week 17 to keep that weiahd happy?

SANTAWMMY: I MEAN THEY AIN’T GONNA HAVE A LOTTA TROUBLE ON THAT FRONT SULLY BUT I AIN’T THINKIN’ ‘BOUT ALL THAT ‘CAUSE IT’S GOT ME ALL FACKED UP NOW. LET’S CALL IT A NIGHT PAL.

[One last small boy rushes up as SANTAWMMY and SULLY THE ELF get ready to leave the mall setup. He has a look of pure desperation on his face.]

SMALL BOY 2: Santa, WAIT! Please! I wanna football an’… an’ a Mac Jones jersey! Please!!!

[SANTAWMMY whirls around.]

SANTAWMMY: OK WELL THAT’S MOAH FACKIN’ LIKE IT! KID, YOU GOT A DEAL IF YOU CAN GET ME SOME TIX TO THAH DOLPHINS GAME. I THINK THEY’AH GONNA GET REVENGE DIS TIME. WAY DIFFERENT TEAM THAN WEEK 1, YA KNOW. DEFINITELY A PLAYOFF BYE IN THAH MIX THIS YEAR-AH!

SMALL BOY 2: Say, Santa… you look a lot like my dad, I think… I haven’t seen him in a long time.

[The SMALL BOY’s mother appears out of the crowd. She also notices SANTAWMMY.]

MOM: Thomas???

SANTAWMMY: [screaming frantically] CANDICE??! FACK!!!! I PAID DAT CHILD SUPPAHT!!

MOM: That’s a MONTHLY payment, not a one-time thing, you ASSHOLE!

[SANTAWMMY and SULLY THE ELF make a mad dash for the exit.]

SMALL BOY: Santa’s not real, is he?

MOM: And neither is happiness. But at least when you’re young, you can use stupid stuff like sports to distract you from that fact. [She sniffles quietly.] Let’s go home, kiddo. Mommy needs some alone time. [Exeunt.]