FFS, It’s Tuesday Again?: Open Thread

Whelp, here we are: the long, slow march between New Years and Valentine’s Day. Nothing good happens here, save (hopefully) some good NFL Playoff Football. If time is a map, this is the big blank spot in the middle. Only instead of that meaning “unexplored”, it’s a literal representation of the landscape.

For those people who suffer Seasonal Affective Disorder, this is where it really starts to really take hold. For us Professional Depressives, every day is a contest to see whether our moods are bleaker than the forecast. To quote St. Lewis the Black:

[T]he weather is gray, rainy, gray, sleet, snow, gray; every day it just gets grayer and grayer and grayer! You wake up one day and you go ‘I’m not coming into work today!’ Your boss goes, ‘Why not? You sick?’ ‘No! Its too gray!’ Then you wake up and its the grayest day you’ve ever seen! And the next day it’s even grayer! And that’s usually Valentine’s Day.

Even MLK Day is kind of a bummer, since 1. it’s largely been reduced to mouthing empty platitudes for mainstream White America, 2. Madison Cawthorn or one of his tribe will say something idiotic like “MLK would be horrified by mask mandates and the John Lewis Voting Rights Act” and 3. you can’t really think about it without the assassination part. I’m legitimately shocked that some grandstanding governor cockweasel hasn’t tried to rename it “Robert E. Lee White Pride Day”.

What’s that, Wikipedia? Alabama and Mississippi call it “Robert E. Lee/Martin Luther King Birthday”?

Well shit.

NFL News:

*Slow day overall. Michael Gallup is indeed out for the year with a torn ACL. Ben Roethlisberger has likely HARFED his last HARF in Pittsburgh. Kirk Cousins remains a twatburger. No real surprises.

*Minor CRIMEBEAT! Action: Titans linebacker Bud Dupree was charged with assault for fucking up a Walgreens employee. No, he was not searching for home COVID tests. Apparently the employee was filming Dupree, and he did not appreciate that. Feel free to speculate in the comments on what sort of medication pickup Dupree might not have wanted filmed. I’m going with anal wart cream.

*Baker Mayfield is finally getting shoulder surgery, about 3 months too late.

*WFT has announced an announcement! After not-quite-two years of being The Washington Football Team, they will announce their new name (which will not be Wolves) and logo. The remaining candidates are: Armada, Presidents, Brigade, Red Hogs, Commanders, Defenders and Football Team. Undeniably, every one of these sucks. Like, Arena League 2 level shit. I am literally having trouble choosing the worst.

1. Presidents? Neither fun, cool or intimidating.

2. The average WFT fan doesn’t know what an “armada” or a “brigade” are.

3. Defenders…what? Are they going for a double act with the Cleveland Guardians of the Galaxy?

4. Red Hogs? I appreciate a sly social commentary on pork-barrel spending as much as the next average American, but for football?

5. I pledge to you now- if they become the Commanders, every single post I write mentioning them will have the following video or a gif equivalent:

Now, the best one for our comedic purposes is likely Football Team. It preserves our WFT WTF dynamic, and there’s something beautiful about an NFL franchise holding a big press conference to announce its new name is…it’s current name! Like a giant gender-reveal stunt where the fireworks are green and just spell out “IT’S A BABY!”

Then a deadly fire ensues. Yeah, totally on-brand for WFT. How are those safety railing renovations coming along, by the way?