CrimeBeat!: Celebratory Edition

Alright kids- turns out I am doing this week’s CrimeBeat!, because my Dad ended up defying expectations and not dying on the operating table. Go modern medicine!

I am exhausted and jubilant and incredibly pissed off that clients don’t seem to understand the term “family medical emergency” when they really need the settlement agreement they’ve been sitting on for two months executed NOWNOWNOWIWANTITNOWIAMTHEONLYPERSONINTHEUNIVERSEWHOACTUALLYMATTERS!!! I swear to Jeebus, I should have been a daycare worker for the Children of the Corn.

We’ve had a lot of medical scares in our brief time as a Dick Joke Collective, from spousal aneurysm to BFC’s Mystery HantaAIDS, and more eloquent folks than me have put it better, but just as a reminder: hug your loved ones. Take a few minutes to think of fond memories of anyone you’ve lost. It’s nourishing for the soul, and to help keep perspective on the day-to-day stressors.

Enough of this “All the Feels” shit: BRING FORTH THE ACCUSED!

LES SNEAD

CHARGE: Illegal U-Turn

So Les Snead, architect of the should-have-been-franchise-changing RGIII draft trade in 2012, has decided to explore what it felt like to be Bruce Allen. The Rams have allegedly traded for the top pick in the the NFL Draft this year, moving from 15th to 1st and giving up two second-rounders (43 and 45 overall) and a third PLUS their first and third-rounders next year.

“Conventional wisdom” holds that the only reason to do this dramatic a deal, essentially gutting the top of their draft for the next two years, is to get the ever-elusive Franchise Quarterback. That same conventional wisdom seems to think it will be Carson Wentz, because NFL GMs are the biggest size queens in the universe (“Giiiiiirlll look at them 10-inch hands….mmmmmmhhhmmmm!”) As a reminder, the RG3 trade was swapping first rounders (2 to 6) plus a second rounder and two more first round picks the following years. As of today, that has yielded one good player (Michael Brockers), two adequate players (Alec Ogletree and Greg Robinson), Steadman Bailey and a continued succession of losing seasons. So now they’re going to try it the other way- take a big chance, mortgage your future draft picks, forsake the gift second-rounder you got from Chip Kelly in the Bradford trade. It’s not like you have the talent-evaluation capacity to draft well with those picks anyway…

Have you learned absolutely nothing from the Republican Primary, Les Snead? If you get caught in a mistake or a lie, you don’t fucking backtrack, you don’t prevaricate, and you sure as shit don’t reverse course. Admitting you are wrong is Feminist-Socialist-Librul quittertalk, and the NFL does not stand for that. Call your opponent a convicted felon when they don’t even have a speeding ticket? Double down and call them a gay Muslim too. Deny any connection between CTE and football, and then have your own expert admit it in front of Congress? Have your two most mentally-fucked owners shout into the nearest microphone about how harmless it is.  If it jams, force it, and if it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.

I get it. Les has got to be on his last strike as general manager, after managing to spin that many high draft picks into low-end mediocrity. New city, new market, Kroenke wants to make a big splash. Gotta get those Cali girls wearing their cut-off unis. Maybe this buys him an extra year of employment. And if it doesn’t, well, the lack of draft picks is the next guy’s problem. And the RG3 Experiment almost worked for Washington- although I don’t subscribe to the “He would be better than Luck except for Shanahahanahan and the knee injury” narrative, he very well could have been a franchise quarterback.

But seriously- the Rams are not one QB away from being competitive. Large pieces of that intermittently dominant defense left this off-season. The line is shit, Gurley will likely regress toward the mean, and Kenny Britt is your big-play threat. Either you are gambling on hitting big on all your late-rounders, or you are assuming free agents will drop their panties for the chance to play in LA. Or perhaps the intellectual echo-chamber of NFL management has CTE’d your brain to mush and the only remaining thought in your head is “It’s a passing league…it’s a passing league…”

SHAWN OAKMAN

Charge: No. Just…just no.

So another Baylor player is in trouble for alleged sexual assault. He was projected to be an early-round draft pick. There is nothing funny about this.  In compensation, here is a non-rapey oak-man