While divvying up the team previews for this here edition of the World Cup, somehow both the finest an most corrupt of the international tournaments, (which is saying something if you’re familiar the judging in Olympic boxing), we here at DFO Enterprises forgot a couple of or five countries.  Nothing major, just Poland, The Netherlands, the literal host country Qatar, and two teams who’ve had a modicum of success in the past called, (checks notes)…GERMANY AND BRAZIL!?  We forgot Germany and Brazil!?  Jesus, how high did we get las…you know what?  Never mind.  With apologies to the citizens of these fine countries, Horatio Cornblower Productions presents a mashed up preview for each team.

POLAND

The Eagles are in Group C with Argentina, Mexico, and Saudi Arabia. Argentina will win the group, and possibly the whole thing.  Saudia Arabia, outside of massive corruption, isn’t getting out of the round-robin play.  So call it 50-50 they advance.  Barring some FIFA officials buying solid-gold mansions, second place comes down to Poland or El Tri.  One review, linked to above, indicates it’s unlikely the Poles advance, because Robert Lewandowski is old, because they’re defensively weak, (sort of like a submarine with a screen door) (is beaten to death with the Cliche Hammer), and because they’re “simply mediocre.”  Ouch.  This review likes them to advance, citing Lewandowski and his being complimented by a couple of guys who play winger in Serie A, but mostly because Mexico is in shambles and Saudi Arabia isn’t very good.

In conclusion, Poland is a land of contrasts.

THE NETHERLANDS

The Dutch are in Group A, with host country Qatar, Senegal, and Ecuador.  The Dutch could sleepwalk their way to the next round.  They have a pretty clear run to the quarters, where they’d meet Argentina.  That would be a hell of a game, but I would agree that Messi and Co. would not allow his dream of a World Cup to die that early.  While some may try to limit expectations, (note that link comes up as not secure, but I did want to cite them.  Click or don’t, you’ve been warned), realistically the Oranje should win this group without too much trouble.

QATAR

Your host with the most (money available to bribe enough FIFA officials to allow a tournament involving massive physical exertion in an outdoor environment to take place in a goddamn desert) makes its first appearance in the World Cup.  The Maroons are favored to, well, to not advance, but it’s funny how often the host country manages to advance in the face of overwhelming odds when FIFA is involved.  Damned odd, that.  Qatar does have an experienced team, (albeit one made up largely of naturalized citizens, and they are the reigning Asian Cup champions, but they also are on an 0-6 streak against World Cup-level teams. Clearly the weakest team in Group A, Qatar probably won’t do much against the Dutch, because that would be too obvious, but if Senegal and Ecuador think they’re getting out of games with Qatar without one or two red cards I suspect they’ll be disappointed.  And quite possibly thirsty.

GERMANY

Die Mannschaft, (ah German; the language of love), is coming off a tremendously disappointing effort in Russia, (something that sounds awfully familiar), failing to advance out of the opening round after coming in as one of the favorites and in fact the reigning and defending 2014 champion.  Coming into this Cup they’ve reinstated Thomas Muller, because any time you have a chance to have a leader primarily known for screaming and crying like a child whenever someone so much as breathes on him, you have to do it.

I do note that the SI article I linked to up there doesn’t have Muller starting.  Good.  I hope he doesn’t, I hope he gets frustrated and takes it out by being drunk in public, and I hope gets thrown in a Qatari jail for it.  Fuck Thomas Muller.

Anyway, in addition to relying on that Charmin-soft SOB, Germany had added some younger players with significant promise, particularly Jamal Musiala, (“Ach!  Sounds kind of ethnic!” says your Uncle Curt with the problematic collection of WWII memorabilia), possibly the next German breakout star.

Being in Group E doesn’t do Germany any favors.  This tournament’s Group of Death, they have to deal with Spain, Japan, and Costa Rica. Germany and Spain are the clear favorites to advance, but neither Japan nor Costa Rica are pushovers.  I’d expect Germany and Spain to prevail over both in tough games, (probably not easy to watch, either), then play patty-cake with each other before each advances to the next round.  That game will be interesting only if there’s a decided advantage to finishing first in the Group in terms of the next round match-up, and frankly I’m not being paid enough to look that up.  Also Mrs. Cornblower wants to go to dinner.  Let’s wrap this up.

BRAZIL

They’re going to win the whole thing and Neymar’s a fucking weirdo.