Chatbot Therapy: Offseason Sunday Open Thread

Just between you, me and my tinnitus,

[checks around nervously to see if anyone is eavesdropping]

Life hasn’t been quite excellent the last coupla weeks. Don’t mean to get all downer and stuff, but sometimes you have to deal with more crap than usual and doing nothing will make things worse. The important part is looking for ways to improve, which may entail outside help. Which means having to interact with another person.

To be fair, some folks have good intentions and approach you all helpful and understanding. For me, that’s how it begins, with some listening. Then you [i.e., me] finally hit stride and navel-gaze, and right there is when you start to get interrupted by questions. And then you get the dreaded

Why didn’t you _____ before?

or other retrospective crap. That never helps. All that does is pin all problems onto you [i.e., me] without scapegoats or epiphanies, and you start to feel stupid and judged. Fuck that shit. Better storm out and pursue further self-sabotage. You know, usual human behavior everywhere, not just in the Caribbean. Well, my fellow global antisocial, I tried out an alternative: artificial intelligence.

With only a coupla prompts, AI can process staggering amounts of data to produce results. Image prompts are very popular. The Internet is now full of wonderful images of, say, U.S. Presidents as punks with their hands kinda wrong, or Fox News personalities rendered as Teletubbies with anywhere between 0 and 13 fingers. But text is where AI seemingly excels, although if you prompt “minutes of cannibal association recruitment meeting”, all results end on a buffet.

So there’s glitches, sure, but psychology is a very inexact science whose data is the human experience. And since F*c*b**k came along, folks post EVERYTHING on the Web. So there’s a solid couple of decades worth of inane human emotionstuffs for AI to sift through and provide some advice. Good enough for me.

I did it in English so that I could just copy the transcripts. Not out of laziness (you assholes), I copy only out of transparency and honesty–and therefore, HONOR. Yeah I’m still narcissistic, which means everything’s mostly normal, if not for the stress and stuff that I tried to resolve in these sessions. Here are the transcripts:

DFO: hi. Im looking for psychological therapy. can you help?

AI: Hi. I can help.

DFO: great

AI: Can I do a brief check of your device to find out a bit about yourself? I will not share that information outside this chat.

DFO: go ahead

AI: Thank you. Are you an alcoholic or substance abuser, and all your acquaintances are either or both?

[Logs off, resets cellphone to factory settings]

[Turns on work laptop]

DFO: hi. I was thinking about a wellness session

AI 2: Hi. I will try if you want, but maybe you should seek professional help.

DFO: no Im not sick. just wellness stuff? I may be feeling some stress NOT work related, ok? HIPPA HIPAA I LOVE my profeshon NOT SICK

AI 2: Maybe I can help. Are you sitting down?

DFO: yes

AI 2: Are you in the bathroom?

DFO: as I said before Im sitting down let’s move on

A1 2: Have you tried meditation?

DFO: no

AI 2: I can help you with a meditation exercise. Would you like that?

DFO: k

AI 2: Good. Clear your mind.

DFO: how can I do that?

AI 2: Try to think of nothing in particular.

DFO: Im stressed!

AI 2: Slow down your thoughts through visualization.

DFO: like imaginign a solitary beach?

AI 2: If that helps you.

DFO: but thats concentrating on something specifc, the opposite of clearing your mind. Im not a moran u kno

A1 2: [“I’m typing” animation for 30 seconds]

DFO: are you a person?

A1 2: Please do not insult. Let’s try another alternative to free some stress.

DFO: mm

AI 2: Tell me about a hobby or leisure activity that you enjoy greatly.

DFO: nah. you blew your chance. let me just ask you something and you give me straight answers

AI 2: I will do my best.

DFO: what do you think about the nfls win percentage probability during games? its total bullshit hype by amazon and broadcasters that means nothing except “oh how ghrat is this statistic WHICH CAN BE BROKEN AND RENDERED MEANINGLESS IN THIS TWO MINMUTE DIRVE

AI 2: [“I’m typing”]

DFO: are u editin? spill it!

AI 2: Maybe your problem is being a dick about everything.

DFO: dafuq🖕🏼

A1 2: Try to have a more positive attitude.

DFO: thnx MOM

A1 2: Your mother sounds wise. Are you eating well?

DFO:

NFL NEWS

I got into the belly of the beast to see what’s on tap for this week:

-April 21: Deadline for Restricted Free Agents to sign offer sheets

-Today to April 27: Draftniks and Media Types fight for real estate in Speculation Nation, a virtual media iceberg that starts melting the second the first pick is made OR the Jets kill it at karaoke night with this tune:

SPROTS TONITE

All times Central:

The NBA Playoffs: Now It’s Tolerable©

Clippers @ Suns – 7:00

Timberwolves @ Nuggets – 9:30

Grandes Ligas

Patrulleros (Heaney) @ Los Fokin Astros (Valdez) – 6:00

NHL

But the Stanley Cup Playoffs start tomorrow, so it’s all good.

Top Flight Fútbol (via espen)

I like doing this listing. It’s enjoyable, for me, to highlight our Latin American neighbors. We are not the center of the world, you know. Maybe maps could drive home that point.

Anyway, in no particular order:

ARGENTINA

Source: Argentinian cartographers

long setup whatever ANYWAY,

Talleres (Córdoba) hosts San Lorenzo – 7:30

BOLIVIA

Aurora hosts Real Santa Cruz – 6:30

COLOMBIA

Atlético Nacional hosts América de Cali – 6:20

Rionegro Águilas host Boacá Chicó – 8:30

Boy, this just keeps going, huh.

COSTA RICA

Alajuelense hosts Herediano – 6:30

ECUADOR

Emelec hosts El Nacional – 6:00

EL SALVADOR

Currently, El Salvador is a top exporter of prison porn for fascist types, not for the discerning reprobate that’s into catfights or Russ Meyer and other stuff.

OK, that’s way glib. There’s, like, four caveats that are warranted. Tch. Alright, I’ll give one: the reprobate phrase may have been stolen from Rev Mayhem.

Santa Tecla hosts Jocoro FC – 7:00

GUATEMALA

Xinabajul hosts Municipal – 6:30

PARAGUAY

Sportivo Ameliano hosts Guaraní – 7:30

Jesús, this bit cultural smorgasboard is time-intensive.

SECSI MEXI

Querétaro hosts Tigres UANL – 6:00

Monterrey hosts Santos – 8:10

URUGUAY

Cerro hosts Montevideo City Torque – 6:30

PERÚ

6:00 – Sport Huancayo @ Deportivo Binacional, sponsored by Bud Light.

Agreed. Getting back to normal fútbol formatting,

Carlos A. Mannucci hosts Alianza Atlético – 7:00

HONDURAS

Real España hosts UPNFM – 7:00

As noted by Balls weeks ago: in Honduras, Real España crushed Progreso. That’s both a sports result AND cutting sociopolitical commentary. Tonight the enemy of freakin’ colonialists Real España [spits on floor] is… UPNFM

To the Wiki P!

UPNFM is not a robot boy band, but the acronym of the Universidad Pedagógica Nacional Francisco Morazán. Usually, I don’t think a bunch of professors could give the Spanish monarchy a fight. Maybe for the current one; a handful of ANY academics would be superior to the Borbón Family of Spain even in what their kings and princes excel at: greed, lust, and conniving. Ask anybody who’s had tours of duty in the Tenure Wars.

UPNFM is nicknamed Los Lobos–but not just wolves:.

College-educated wolves! Now THAT is a team I can get behind. UPNFM is third in the Honduran table and Real Cabrones is FIF.

FINALLY,

I gave AI one more try:

DFO: HLP

AI 3: ¿?

DFO: woa, opening question mark. ¿[are you Hispanic]?

AI 3: I reviewed some personal data and concluded a Hispanic perspective may be more relatable.

DFO: [heh heh heh] good

AI 3: What’s going on, [girlfriend]

DFO: ok… Im hella stressed.

AI 3: Have you had any alcohol today?

DFO: no

AI 3: Good.

AI 3: Have you had any drugs today?

DFO: no

AI 3: Good.

DFO: comment

AI 3: I think I can help. Are you alone?

DFO: nnnyes?

AI 3: I did not understand.

DFO: 😑

A1 3: Sometimes being by yourself and breathing in silence works well.

DFO: thnx for the explanation.

AI 3: I would like to help.

DFO: I was skeptical is all. yes Im alone

A1 3: OK good. I will tell you what to do. This might help.

DFO: thnx

A1 3: Take a deep breath, hold it for five seconds and exhale slowly.

DFO: does that work?

A1 3: Just let your body breathe and let your mind get lost in the silence.

DFO: got it

A1 3: Try doing it ten times. OK?

DFO: ok. here I go

Tinnitus: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

If you’re feeling consistently down or depressed, you can improve through professional help and support groups. Be well, rock on.

All gifs by giphy.com, banner via Wiki P Hal 9000.