The sun is setting as tWBS approaches the small villa where balls has instructed him to go….

balls: Get there and knock as the sun is setting, but make sure to knock BEFORE the sun fully sets.

tWBS:  And what happens if I knock after the sun sets?

balls:  Knock before the sun sets.

tWBS, remembering balls’ words, turns and looks to the west.  He can see only about 1/3rd of the sun as it attempts to dip below the horizon.  He runs from the street and up the sidewalk and knocks on the door of the small humble home.  After a moment, the door opens.  tWBS walks inside and closes the door behind himself.  He squints to adjust to the dim light inside.

tWBS: ¿Hola?  ¿Mónica?

Mónica:  Hello my dear.  You needn’t worry about your horrible Español here.

tWBS:  Whew, that’s a relief.  Wow, this place is amazing.  It feels a lot bigger inside than outside.

Mónica:  Phrasing, my dear.  And also….I’m hoping you’ll feel bigger inside as well.  Also, IT may feel bigger inside of you as well…but don’t be frightened.  Now, please….come upstairs and let me….show you a few things.

tWBS:  It?  Well, there’s obviously no hidden meaning there!!!!  Heck yes!!!!!!!

–

[Next morning, 9:00 AM, just outside Dave]

balls: So, how did it go?

tWBS:  I don’t want to talk about it.

balls:  Did you at least have fun?

tWBS:  I don’t want to talk about it.

balls:  Well, at least was Mónica satisfied?

tWBS:  Yes, now I don’t want to talk about it any more.  Where are we going?

balls: Ok.  We have to get to San Felipe.  There are two ways to go.  We can go south through Rosarito and Ensenada or east through Tecate and Mexicali.

tWBS: What’s the difference?

balls:  South we have lobster and seafood.  East we have beer and wine.

tWBS:  Coin toss?

balls:  Go for it.

tWBS:  Ok, heads we go south. Tails we go drink.

tWBS flips the coin.  It lands heads.

balls:  Eh…

tWBS:  Two out of three?

balls:  Yeah!

tWBS flips the coin.  It lands heads.

balls: So… beers then?

tWBS:  Yup!  And you’re driving.

tWBS tosses the Dave keys to balls.

balls:  Why am I driving?  And why are you suddenly doubled over?

tWBS:  I don’t want to talk about it.

The duo drive off towards the airport and the road that hugs the US border towards Tecate. The sun shines bright even though it’s still early in the morning.

balls:  So, I noticed you’re walking kinda funny.

tWBS:  I don’t want to talk about it.

balls:  Ok, fine.  You’re welcome, by the way.

tWBS (glaring):  Grrrr.

balls:  What?

tWBS: Nothing.  Hey do they have food there?

balls:  Oh yeah. I forgot to tell you.  I brought this for you.

tWBS:  What the fuck is that?!?

balls:  Tostilocos. They’re tortilla chips topped with cueritos, cucumber, jícama, lime juice, Valentina hot sauce, chamoy, tajín chile powder, salt, and Japanese peanuts.  I told the guy to take out the cueritos, though.  I didn’t think you could handle them.

tWBS:  What are they?

balls: Marinated pig skin.

tWBS:  I’ll have you know, I can handle anything!  But yeah, good call on leaving them out.  This looks disgustingly good.

balls:  Have at it!

tWBS: Is my asshole gonna burn later?

balls:  Isn’t it already from last night?

tWBS:  I told you…I don’t want to talk about it.  And “burn” isn’t exactly the word I’d use.

balls (laughing):  I don’t know why you still won’t tell me what you did last night?  You think I don’t already know?

tWBS: Fuck you.

balls (laughing harder):  Well, at least THAT didn’t happen!!

tWBS:  You’re not nearly as funny as you think you are.  Now shush and lemme eat.

tWBS eats his morning snack as they continue down the road.  Fairly quickly, more quickly than they anticipated, to be honest, they arrive at Tecate.  Immediately, they head to the Tecate brewery‘s beer garden.

balls:  Ok, I’ll get our beers, You wanna hit the souvenir shop and see what they have?

tWBS (doubled over again):  Later maybe.  First I gotta hit the head.  Like right now.

tWBS sprints (sort of) off looking for relief, unaware he’s sprinting in the wrong direction.  balls giggles to himself and waits where he is.  Five minutes later tWBS sprints past him going in the opposite direction.

tWBS (less sprinting now than lurching):  You knew I was going the wrong way didn’t you?

balls says nothing, only laughs, and turns and walks in the direction tWBS is now headed.  A few minutes later he pushes the Men’s room door open and walks in.

balls:  Oh Dude?!?!?!?!  What is that smell???

tWBS (inside bathroom stall):  If you can’t tell, I can’t help you.

balls turns quickly to leave but before he can get out the door he hears the distinct clink sound of metal striking porcelain.

balls:  Ummmmmm…what the hell was that?

tWBS:  You said you knew everything that happened last night.

balls:  I might have been wrong.  I’m going to wait outside.

tWBS:  I think that’s probably best, yes.

20 minutes later, tWBS exits the Men’s room.  He quickly finds balls waiting patiently, nearby.

tWBS:  Ooooofff….sorry ’bout that.

balls:  No worries.  I knew you took one for the team.  I suppose I just underestimated Mónica’s….inclinations?

tWBS:  Yeah, that makes me feel better.

balls:  Maybe some retail therapy would help?  You wanna buy some stuff?  They’ve got a cool gift shop….

tWBS:  Yeah, sure.  Why not?

After about ten minutes, tWBS comes back with a large black plastic bag full of stuff.

balls:  What the fuck did you buy?

tWBS:  Oh, nothing. Just a few things.  They’re loading the rest onto Dave.

balls:  Seriously?

tWBS:  Dude, have you seen the exchange rate?  It was practically free!

balls: Ok, here’s your beer. Remember to put the lime and salt on the rim.

tWBS:  Phrasing!

balls:  Shut up.

tWBS:  Hey, I got you this:

balls:  Cool! 14 year old me will hang it on my wall!

tWBS: Fuck you.

balls:  I’m kidding.  It’s actually pretty nice.  Thanks!

tWBS:  Is that the first nice thing you’ve said to me this trip?

balls: No.  Shut up and drink your beer.

The duo drink a couple of more beers and then get back into Dave.

balls:  Ok, we’ve got a long drive ahead. Do we want to stock up on provisions?

tWBS:  Like what?  Food?

balls:  Nah, alcohol.

tWBS: Right.  Yeah, we might as well.

balls: If we take the road south, we’ll pass through the Valle de Guadalupe, which is Baja’s wine country. The only problem is that takes us back to Ensenada and then we have to cross the peninsula again to get to San Felipe.

tWBS:  Oh heck yes, let’s go that way!!!  I LOVE those things!!!!

balls:  Ummmm…what things?

tWBS:  Empanadas.  You just said we’d get some before we hit San Felipe.

balls:  No, I didn’t.

tWBS:  Well that’s what I heard.

balls:  Why am I not surprised?

tWBS:  Fine then….. What’s the other option?

balls:  We hit up the Comercial Mexicana in Mexicali, load up on hard alcohol and snacks, and head south on the 5.

tWBS:  Let’s take I-5.

balls: The 5.

tWBS:  I-5.

balls:  The 5.  Look, it’s Mexico so don’t give me that Eisenhower bullshit.

tWBS:  Fine, then what if I told you that Pancho Villa would say “I-5″…you know if he was here and not all dead n junk.

balls says nothing for a moment.

tWBS:  What?

balls:  I don’t get it.

tWBS: What’s not to get?

balls: Pancho Villa?

tWBS: Yeah,  you said Eisenhower,  I’m going with Villa.

balls: You realize Villa was not a president,  right?

tWBS:  Really?  Does it matter?

balls: I guess not. Let’s make a deal: If Salma Hayek ever calls it I-5, I’ll go along with it.  Ok?

tWBS: Ok, can we at least call it El 5?

balls: La 5.  Roads are feminine.

tWBS:  Dave likes that.

balls:  Oh Jesus.  Just drive.

The duo continue east on La 2 towards Mexicali.  They load up the shopping cart with tequila, mezcal, rum, and beer.  Plus some potato chips. And a couple of packs of peanuts. And water. And Jarritos.

balls:  Ok, you pay for this and I’ll meet you in Dave.  I’ve got to get something from the farmacia.

tWBS:  Hey, I still got the Viagra from TJ!

balls:  That’s not what I’m getting.  Don’t worry about it.

tWBS: Every time you tell me “Don’t worry about it”, I can’t help but worry about it.  And wait, why am I still paying for this shit!?!

tWBS thinks about the exchange rate.

tWBS (to himself):  Well, at least it’s super cheap…

Back inside Dave, balls and tWBS crack open a Mango Jarrito and get ready for the long road ahead. La 5 is a desolate road hugging the border of the Reserva de la Biósfera Alto Golfo de California y Delta del Río Colorado.  It is beautiful country, but there are few people along the 116 mile path and even fewer gas stations. One car fuckup and you’re, well, proper fucked.

balls:  Dave is in good shape, right?

tWBS:  I take that as an insult!  Dave got me 2500 miles to your place, he can get us anywhere!  I’ll show you the service records…right here, right now!!!

balls:  Ok, fine.  Sorry to have asked.  You’re very defensive about your…”equipment”….?

tWBS:  Don’t you worry yourself about my equipment.  Dave is five by five….trust me.

Ten miles later, Dave gets a flat tire.

tWBS:  SHUT UP! THIS WASN’T DAVE’S FAULT!

balls:  I didn’t say anything.

After changing Dave’s tire, the duo continue down the road. This time, they crack open a beer to calm their nerves.

tWBS:  Hey, isn’t this illegal?

balls (laughing):  Dude, it’s Mexico!  But yes, you probably want to hide that if you see a policía.  I doubt we will, but you never know.

Ten miles later, the duo get pulled over.

tWBS:  DAMMIT!

balls:  Relax, I’ll handle this. Buenas tardes, oficial. ¿Cómo le va?

Federale:  Mucho mejor que ustedes.  ¿No sabe que es ilegal tomar cerveza y manejar?

balls:  Si, señor, fue un error.  ¿Cuánto es la multa?

Federale:  Eso depende…

balls:  ¿Ésto es suficiente?

balls shows the Federale the contents of his luggage bag.

Federale:  ¡Ay, perdón, señor!  No sabía.  Siga, por favor.

balls: ¡Muchas gracias!  (to tWBS) Drive!

tWBS drives away.

tWBS:  What the fuck was that?

balls:  Don’t worry about it.

tWBS:  OK…if I can’t say “phrasing” anymore, you can’t say “Don’t worry about it” anymore.  Deal?

balls (laughing):  Nooooooo….no.

tWBS:  Fine.  BTW, did I ever tell you about the time I was in Nogales, totally not going to strip clubs or buying illegal narcotics and trying to mule them back across the border, when a pair of Federales tried to shake me down?

balls:  Yes.

tWBS:  I didn’t understand what they were saying…my Mexican isn’t as good as it used to be…

balls:  First….it’s called Spanish.  Second….You’ve told me the story at least a dozen times and frankly….

tWBS:  And I was really scared.  They were being really mean.  If it hadn’t been for a kind hearted fella who interpreted for me, who just happened to be sitting there drinking out of a paper bag on the corner….

balls:  Dude…you’ve told me the story.  Trust me, I get it.

tWBS:  Sorry.  It was scary.

The sun starts to set as the duo finally get within sight of San Felipe. A dirt road that heads towards the Gulf of Cortés is on the left.

balls:  We’re here.  Make a left on that road!

tWBS: Where the fuck are you taking me?

balls:  My beach house.

tWBS: YOUR beach house?  How the fuck do you have a beach house?  In San Felipe?!?  Which I’m now very aware you’ve never invited me to before?

balls:  Don’t worry about it.

tWBS:  Every time you say that……seriously.

The dirt road ends at the top of a cliff overlooking the beach.  On the edge of the cliff is an ultra-modern glass-walled villa with an infinity pool and a built-in barbecue pit.

tWBS:  Holy shit, dude!

balls:  Nice, right?

tWBS:  Um, yeah.

balls:  Your room is on the basement level. The fridge should be fully stocked.  Let me know if you need anything.

tWBS stops a bit to look at the view..

tWBS:  Holy shit.  I could get used to this.

balls:  Right?  But don’t get too settled…we might not be here long.

tWBS:  Why?

balls:  Don’t worry about it.

tWBS:  DAMMIT!!

To be continued…