Good men and women of DFO, rejoice, for I have heard your cry.

Deep in my Timeless Slumber, though empires and eons passed me by, I heard the wailing of my people. “When?” you cried, to each other and to the uncaring sky, beating your chests in a vain attempt to Feel Something, “When, Shan’klor, when will be our time? Why must we suffer without our weeklyish installment of submediocre penal humor? Why hath CrimeBeat! forsaken us?”

But I heard you.

I heard you and have awoken from the Sleep That Is Like Unto Death.

I heard you and have scoured the interwebs for the finest nuggets of Crime News I Can Use for delivery straight through your electronical devices and into your sweet, sweet visual cortices.

REPENT, SINNERS! WEEP AND BEAR WITNESS, FOR CRIMEBEAT! IS REBORN UNTO THIS WORLD!

…

So it’s been a few weeks. Sorry about that. Apparently, the downside of finally finding a job you like is that you need to do an assload of work because you want to keep it. On the downside, I had to drink waaaay too much coffee and thought my aorta would rupture. On the upside, I was able to perceive the curvature of space-time.

But you don’t care about that. That’s not why you’re here. You’re here for that delicious velvety  coverage of the seedier side of Our Beloved Game. Well actually, according to the site analytics, a non-trivial number of you are here because you searched for “bottom men bubble butt gif”. I’m not sure we can fulfill your…needs….but we’re glad that Lycos or Webcrawler or whatever pointed you our direction.

BRING FORTH THE ACCUSED!

MATT ELAM

CHARGE: Horning in on Sebastian Janikowski’s Turf

Matt Elam was allegedly pulled over in Miami and arrested, after weaving his dark blue Range Rover in front of an unmarked police car, driving erratically, and accelerating away when said cop tried to pull him over. Apparently a “big cloud of smoke” emerged from the car when he finally did pull over, and the 5-0 found a Gucci backpack full of weed (126 grams), oxycodone, a Rolex and almost a thousand bucks in cash. He’s facing a couple of felony charges, the most interesting being possession with intent to distribute.

And I have to give credit where credit is due- I didn’t think Elam had this kind of baller arrest in him. I’m going to defer to our both our Canadian and  more… pharmacologically-inclined… Kommentists, but 126 grams of pot sounds like a fairly decent amount. I mean, prior to this, the guy was known for two things: being tied for the second-longest field goal in NFL history and co-writing Monday Night Jihad. Suddenly, he’s the kicker equivalent of Nate Newton and Scarface rolled into one.

[whispers from off camera]

Ravens? The fuck you mean, Ravens? He played for the Broncos. And then his corpse played for the Falcons, of course. You sure you don’t mean Matt Stover?

[more whispers]

Matt Elam. Not Jason Elam. You sure?

Well this is just fucking ridiculous. If I wanted to run a story about a first-round bust with drug issues, I’d just ask for the Standard Manziel. Fucking hell…

TREVONE BOYKIN

CHARGE: Being fucking lame without a permit

Ok, I’ll be honest- I was really excited when I saw the headlines of Seattle Quarterback Arrested For Intoxication and Drugs After Crash Into Crowded Bar. I mean, this kind of story that you get into Shitty Internet “Journalism” for, what you dream of when you’re a little kid and you’re playing Tabloid Newspaper while the other kids are pretending to bat in the bottom of the ninth of the World Series.

But, as with so much in life, it was all a lame fuckaround. Turns out it was Trevone Boykin. And it turns out he was just a passenger in the car. And it turns out that the bar was in Dallas, so it’s not even like anyone who would be missed got hurt.

But again, Uncle Hunter has words of wisdom for these hard times: “No no, calm down. Learn to enjoy losing.”

So anyway, Boykin was allegedly the passenger in a car (or truck- I’m too disappointed to do my normal Highly Exhaustive Research on the matter) that backed out of a parking garage in Dallas at high speed, hopped onto a sidewalk, ran over seven patrons of the Side Bar (and one bartender inside the bar). The female driver was arrested on two counts of felony Intoxication Assault With A Vehicle With Serious Bodily Injury. Boykin was charged with public intoxication and possession of marijuana, both misdemeanors.

You may recall Boykin as the Other Quarterback Who Fucked His Draft Position last year, eclipsed only when DAK! got popped for drunk driving pre-draft. Boykin was a star quarterback at Texas Christian University and was tabbed as a potential mid-to-high-round draft pick until he punched a cop in a drunken bar brawl a few days before the Alamo Bowl. He missed the game, pled down his felony to a misdemeanor, and went undrafted in last year’s Annual Anticompetitive Meat Auction. He actually did not utterly suck in mop-up duties for Russell Wilson, going 13-18 for 145 yards, a touchdown and an interception. It’s unclear whether he’s good enough for Pete Carroll to overlook significant life issues in the name of proving he is the Smartest Man Ever.

When asked for comment, community leaders in Seattle threw a bunch of fish to each other.

DAVID PARRY

CHARGE: 19th Hole Abuse

Ahhhh, there we go. That’s the good stuff.

Indianapolis Colts starting defensive tackle David Parry was arrested in Scottsdale, Arizona at around 2:30 a.m. on a Saturday for allegedly assaulting the driver of a golf cart in which he was a passenger and stealing said golf cart.

I love you, David Parry.

The former Stanford Tree was apparently a passenger in the golf cart with two others and the “driver”. After the other passengers were dropped off, Parry allegedly beat the cart driver when he got out to collect money for the ride and then took off in his cart, GTA: Vice City style.

So they use golf carts like taxis in Scottsdale? What the fuck kind of decadent and depraved “city” is this? Do they have freelance caddies driving around using some sort of World’s Saddest Uber to undercut the hardworking immigrant taxi cart drivers?

Also, I have never seen a golf cart where you would have to get out in order to accept payment. Is the job that dangerous that they have to put in bulletproof plexiglass to isolate the driver’s compartment? Should I be changing the setting of my gritty crime drama script from Detroit to the Mean Streets (or Links) of Scottsdale? SO MANY QUESTIONS!

Anywho, police arrested  the 6’2″, 310 pound lineman after he crashed the cart into a gate and was found on a nearby sidewalk. Initial reports were that he “appeared drunk,” which is an early contender for the 2017 No Shit Sherlock Award. Apparently not content with his work up to that point, he was heavily belligerent with the po-po, calling one officer a “bitch”, another a “fat fuck”, and threatening to “come after” essentially everyone in the police station. TMZ Sports (gah) has the video, which I am not going to embed because fuck those swine. That being said, it is a pretty decent vid- you can decide whether to patronize their shrill brand of vapid idiocy by clicking here

The third-year player was drafted out of Palo Alto in the 5th Round of 2015. He has started every game since then for the Colts, which is a more damning indictment of Ryan Grigson’s roster-building than the actual indictment of Parry for felony robbery, felony unlawful use of transportation and misdemeanor threats. Originally, Parry was charged with DUI, to which I say “if driving a golf cart blind drunk is wrong, I don’t want to be right.”

The NFL head office has declined to comment on a potential discipline. Under the league’s Personal Conduct Policy, he faces a suspension of between 2 and 400 games. However, under the NFL Jim Irsay Policy, it is considered a de minimis offense.

BONUS COVERAGE

REUBEN FOSTER

CHARGE: Fucking up the unfuckupable

Yes, this is way, way late. But I do love me some Combine Draftee Hijinks. They are timeless, like a Twinkie.

Alabamy inside linebacker Reuben Foster was not going to work out at the NFL Scouting Combine in Indianapolis due to recent shoulder surgery. Nor did he need to- he is the reigning Butkus Award winner for best linebacker in college football, pivot of the perenially-vicious “Tide” defense  and already being tabbed as a top-12 pick in most mock drafts. For form’s sake, he did make an appearance at the Combine, where (again, despite not actually doing any of the physical activities) he managed to fuck his draft stock.

After a round of interviews with teams Friday morning of the Combine, Foster allegedly went to Methodist Hospital for his “pre-exam” medical workup. Apparently he felt that he was kept waiting to long, so he started bugging hospital workers. At this point, he allegedly trotted out Reverend Mayhem’s favorite escalation instrument, the “Do You Know Who I Am?” Gambit. A male hospital worker apparently saw him and raised him a “Do You Know How Little I Care?”, telling Foster he would wait his turn like everyone else. According to Peter King nuggetlet Robert Klemko, “Foster warned the man that he’d put hands on him, and the employee said, simply, ‘Do it.'”

Now, I’d like to take a moment to appreciate this unnamed hospital employee. Hell, for all we know, he was just as big and just as fit as Foster. But still, when a dude who tells you he’s about to be drafted into the NFL threatens you physically, it takes some reasonably metallic cajones to toss out a Rocky-Balboa-to-Ivan-Drago one liner. Yes, you probably would be in line a a million-dollar civil suit if he did fuck you up, but it’s reasonably difficult to enjoy kobe beef when you have to sip it through a straw.

The argument apparently did not go much farther. Foster was kicked out out of the Combine so fast you’d have though Lord Ray-El had promised him a spot on the Seahawks. Alabama, ever the sleazy shitbird program in the Saban era, attempted to play it off as “leaving for personal reasons.” Yes, if being a gigantic fuckwit who can’t keep his shit together for one goddamned weekend is a “personal reason”, I suppose that qualifies.

The effect this may have on Foster’s draft stock is questionable. Allegedly the interviews before the incident did not go swimmingly, which would have hurt him as well if NFL owners and GMs were not tweenage boys getting uncontrollable erections over measurables. “Sure, Cade McNown is an entitled bully fuckwad without two brain cells to rub together, but he LOOKS LIKE A QUARTERBACK!!!!”

Perhaps bad interviews plus bad “optics” will dissuade teams from drafting him as highly as they might. But the bigger issue here is one that we seem to need repeated time and again: Do Not Screw With Methodists. They Will Fuck Your Shit Up.

And as always, Foxborough delenda est.