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Potty Mouth

montythisseemsstrangetome

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I’m a fan of the Freakonomics podcast and they recently had one about public restrooms. The main question was, Why isn’t there music playing in all public restrooms? If ever there were a venue that screamed out for some kind of masking noise, this is it. I don’t like hearing what’s going on in the stall next to me, and I don’t want others hearing what’s going on in my stall. Can you at least try to distract me with Tom Jones’ “What’s new pussycat? Whoa whoa whoa”?

The podcast never really came up with an answer (one of the beautiful things about the Freakonomics guys is that they are hailed as geniuses even though they never really answer the questions they pose). But I have thought about it just about every damn time I’ve been in a public restroom since then. I have stumbled upon a couple restrooms that have music playing and I do find that I feel a little more comfortable when I’m in one.

I think it’s worse when it’s at work, because you probably know the person in the next stall. Depending on how many people work in the office, you might recognize the shoes (don’t tell me you don’t look). And then if you actually see the person outside the stalls and make eye contact… [Gob Bluth voice: Oh, COME ON!]

A couple other points about public restrooms. DO NOT BRING YOUR COFFEE MUG INTO THE RESTROOM, LET ALONE INTO THE STALL WITH YOU. I can’t believe I have to tell you people this. On the other hand, how in the hell could you possible go #2 without having your phone out these days? Man, we are such conditioned creatures.

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WhyEaglesWhy

One thing I’ve learned in my many years on this Earth is that every workplace has a secret bathroom. Find it. Use it. Make it your own.

I currently work in a mall (no, really, this mall has office space too), and the staff bathroom is always clean and empty. It is also mine.

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King Hippo

The 18 months I worked in DC, our firm’s Tyson’s Corner office was in the mall. Or in a tower where I could go to the mall food court for lunch without going outside, at least. Surreal experience. Never found the secret shitter, though.

Wasn’t this concept in an episode of The Office? They were trying to keep Kevin from finding it?

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Darkest Timeline Zack Morris

I put myself through college working at a video game store in a mall. We had a turlet in our store, but there is absolutely a hidden, employee powder room in most malls. If things were going to…go badly, I would use the Mid Rivers Mall secret lavatory to make sure that others were punished for my food court Panda Express and Sbarro’s combo, not me.

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Old School Zero

Secret bathroom? You mean Debra’s desk?

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Covalent Blonde

Okay, so I end up spending a lot of time vomiting–let us not dwell on the how’s and why’s of that but its medical not cosmetic–I cannot tell you how many times I have spent taking off my shoes, pointing them in the other direction and trying to time my retching with the bodily functions of the other occupants so that no one notices that I am heaving next to them. When my timing attempts fail all I can assume is that the other person(s) must assume I have the most violent and episodic shits in the world.

But fuck yeah, I need music. For nothing else, to drown out the mobile phone chatter in stalls (for fuck’s sake, people!)

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King Hippo

Anytime I have experienced a reversal (competitive eating euphemism WOO) at work…I always use the handicapped restroom. Since the recent remodel, that is it’s own little unisex room, so totes private. I got used to using it when I was in a walking boot post-foot surgery.

There are no ACTUAL handicapped people on my floor, so I don’t feel like I was causing any kind of incident. Plus, there are still handicap-accessible stalls in the regular men’s and women’s rooms in case a random showed up during said reversal.

DON’T JUDGE ME!!!

This post is now segue-ing into which of the “Heathers” we most identify with, isn’t it? Dear Diary, my teen angst now has a body count…

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ballsofsteelandfury

I think the best music to go to the bathroom to would be heavy metal. The screams would mask a lot.

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laserguru

In my building at work there are two departments that share one men’s room and one ladies room. There is one woman in the building and 15 guys.
The men’s room has one stall, one urinal and one sink. The urinal is about 4 feet from the toilet and they share a common wall. There is a small partial wall dividing the other side of the urinal from the sink. They are all so close together that my left shoulder brushes the wall between the urinal and the toilet and I can almost reach the sink while I’m standing at the urinal.
Needless to say, if the stall is in use I won’t use the urinal.

Not so quick story: One of the guys from the other department is large. Very large. I don’t like to judge but he’s probably 5′ 8″ and 350. He also eats off of the catering trucks at least once a day and usually twice.
His wife also packs him a lunch with usually a salad and some fruit, which I guess explains the food truck thing.
I need to tell you that this guy is actually a wonderful human being with a great sense of humor and a great guy to talk to.
But he’s large.
I close and secure the building when I leave at 7:00 at night and he closes his department around 5:30 – 6. He usually takes one last toilet visit around 5:30 and I’m not kidding here, they usually last between 20-40 minutes.
Anyway, he carries a small aerosol can of Ozium with him. I recognize the scent from years of hiding the smell of pot from my parents. The Ozium completely eliminates the bathroom smell.
I find this unbelievably considerate and equally terrifying.

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VonTazeMeBro

Catering trucks? What are you, a movie star?

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laserguru

It’s an L.A. thing they’re everywhere.
You can’t swing a dead hooker without hitting one.

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Covalent Blonde

Dead hookers are also an LA “thing”

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Horatio Cornblower

Challenge accepted.

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VonTazeMeBro

I know no one likes to think about girls going #2, HOWEVER, there are just 2 stalls at my work and 15 women, so odds are that someone will have to do that at some point between 8 and 5. There are three ladies who are so poo shy that they’ve taken to walking across the street to use the restroom at the bank so no one here at work will know they poo. Ya know, except for when we notice them leave for ten minutes and can see them walk away from our all-window façade office…..

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King Hippo

My guess is that there are also some that think about it TOO MUCH ,, smgdh.

It does bring to mind that awkward phase of every relationship, back when I used to date. When is it safe to admit that yes, sometimes you do have to shit? As a guy, I was always mortified to go at a special ladyfriend’s house, or in a shared hotel room. I would go use the lobby loo if it was presentable, seriously.

/am weird

//not exactly alpha material

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

One time I used a gas station bathroom and it absolutely REEKED of pot. And I said to myself, “man, I wish EVERY public bathroom smelled like this.” And I was absolutely serious.

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King Hippo

Unless it’s really skunky, it’s a perfectly pleasant odor in a reasonably sized room. Certainly by gas station comparison.

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King Hippo

I could write an entire angry book about shitting at work.

Dunno what spawned this trend of the office toothbrushers, but if’n you must, why would you not just take a cup of water back to your office and do it there? Worse, I have seen people lay out their toothbrush, paste it up, then leave it on the counter while they (and perhaps countless others) take a shit FIRST.

WHAT IS FUCKING WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?

The social contract is not any less real just because you refuse to acknowledge it. And men used to understand that unwritten bathroom rules were punishable by death. Now I AM SOMEHOW THE ASSHOLE for not returning your creepy goddamned small talk WITH EYE CONTACT while taking a piss.

/not contesting that I’m an asshole, just not for that reason.

For the beginning professional, I offer two pieces of advice:

1) Get and maintain a shitting redweld. A folder with reading material (magazine, printed out long news articles, etc.) You never know when your phone might get piss poor reception, bathrooms in high rises are unpredictable that way. Also, you should really bring your TP from home. Charmin Plus Aloe, bitches. Treat yo asshole with respect.

2) Always, always, ALWAYS keep a second pair of pants in your office. Everyone over 35 knows what I mean. Don’t learn this lesson the hard way.

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ballsofsteelandfury

I smell your first post! 🙂

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Old School Zero

I’d like to do an official study to demonstrate what I hypothesize to be a STRONG POSITIVE CORRELATION between bathroom toothbrushing people and serial killers.

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Horatio Cornblower

I brush after lunch. I use the bathroom. I don’t talk to anyone unless they’re from my office, and if someone initiates conversation with me I grunt and then spit. I would never let my toothbrush leave my hand in the rest room and the toothpaste stays in my office.

As for reading material I try to bring the NY Times to work with me. If I get through the A section in one sitting I know it’s time to see the doctor.

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Old School Zero

Serial killer.

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ballsofsteelandfury

I shit you not (intended), one guy at work was singing/humming to himself while doing his business and then, when he finished, said this to himself in a sing-song-y voice:

“Now be a sweetie and wipe the seatie!”

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His Right Honorable Lord Lordship the Lordly

So this is where you bastards have absconded to…

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laserguru

You haven’t given us time to hide!

Welcome oh Great Lord Revis.

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ballsofsteelandfury

Nice! Welcome!

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Horatio Cornblower

Given the context here I think “shitters” would be more appropriate.

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laserguru

Music does seem like a natural fit for the rest room.
My only concern would be that those in the stalls might want to “play” along with the chorus. Especially if the song features brass or woodwinds.
It could add a whole new trombone section.

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sunrisesunrise

Having your phone out is one thing. Having a conversation while doing your business is another.

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Cuntler

The Europeans get this one right with the stalls that extend all the way to the floor, or even bathrooms that have individual toilet rooms.

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